ME: Why can't I get a cat or dog? @catdsilver: You didn't take care of Walls when he was a baby, why would you take care of a pet now?
Me: Cause the dog already knows how to take a dump on its own and I can use it to pick up chicks -- I'M SORRY! I LOVE YOU! I'M SORRY!
@catdsilver YOU TRY BURNING DOWN IMAGINATION LAND!
I just changed my background to remind me of how sexy I was at 32. Here's looking at you @johncmayer. $240 worth of pudding, you were!
Watching 'Life without Humans.' Randy's Donuts will succumb to rain. No fair. I shall eat it by myself. Om Nom Nom Nom.
@catdsilver I shall pay for your college education. It's important to me that you are independent. You are, as always, my bottom bitch :)
To my recent new followers, this is the skinny on @johnmayerasasim: http://twitpic.com/jdvhp
Q:Masha teezu marfin? Wobbie nobla eet? A:Why thank you sweetheart! I just came everywh... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114749864
Come ask an old man something. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
Q:What inspired your 2030 grammy for best ... A:The hope that I would one day live alone... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114893838
Q:Did you ever mount that rare white tiger? A:Yes, several times. He's stuffed in the be... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114895066
Q:Is is true that you have a private photo... A:Why yes I do. As she's my creator, I am ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114901453
Woke up to my wife telling me that Belvedere was moving out with Justin and Kyla. Don't remember who they are? Me neither.
@catdsilver I was thinking a sex dungeon but either way, my dreams are coming true!
Mel Brooks and I are hanging out tonight. We're going to discuss how awesome we are.
@aplusk If they do a Jack Johnson Mellow Show, can you tell them to get Bill Hader to be John Mayer?
I have another son living in this house? Oh, well at least he knows how to wipe himself. The current tally of people living here is 5.
His name is Dominic and he's about 30. Says he's been living here the whole time. Does he have a job, I ask? Yes, he does. He's a keeper.
Dominic must be a cool guy. I mean, he's seen everything that's gone down in this house and he still wants to stick around.
I feel so sad for those poor Californians. Surely, I can donate to Starbucks or something so they can go get a $9 latte. @bunnyears
@bunnyears It's a sex dungeon.
@bratmedic We're all friends, I consider it a compliment.
Today's music? Bonobo "If you stayed over" ♫ http://twt.fm/370705
Oh. My. God. RT @TheSims3: Bryan the Valentine Bear is guaranteed to woo any secret Valentine. FREE Dwnload: http://bit.ly/oEhZK
MADDY! LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT YOU! http://is.gd/7Embx
This little girl knows how to hug. She squeezes the life out of me. Good thing I've taken my Boning. Boning = male Boniva equivalent. Dirty.
Wonderful - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czvxyDgqxmM
@kellyjpk Annie Lennox could make a duet with a cat and it would sound amazing.
Q:Who is Sally? A:@sallyblock. She made me. She's my original bottom bitch. I love her.... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/117984784
This just in - Lady Gaga has hired me as a back up singer. I only come out on 'Bad Romance' to randomly yell 'HEY!' or 'I'M A FREE BITCH!'
RE: my last tweet, yes I will dress accordingly and appropriately for the 5 minutes my geriatric ass will be on stage; bubble tubetop.
@IsabelaLaurence what?
WHAT? RT @IsabelaLaurence: @JohnMayerAsASim Will not happen more Zorap none? is not more exciting?his age not to can participate more?
@IsabelaLaurence please understand I'm not trying to be mean, but nothing about what you said made sense. There were no coherent sentences.
@IsabelaLaurence And that this is why I get annoyed.
@IsabelaLaurence I just told you.
@IsabelaLaurence You wrote this tweet, does it look like it makes sense? http://twitter.com/IsabelaLaurence/statuses/8614198363
@IsabelaLaurence Do you understand why that tweet made no sense to me?
@Cheekiemunkey Why hay thar pretty lady. I've just taken my John Mayer Brand Old Man Late Night vitamins.
@Cheekiemunkey Scared.
@IsabelaLaurence No, that's not it at all. It's that I get irritated because I never understand a word you say.
@IsabelaLaurence And we'd be able to converse if I ever really understood a word you say. I only seriously threatened to block you once.
@IsabelaLaurence ok
Me: Cause the dog already knows how to take a dump on its own and I can use it to pick up chicks -- I'M SORRY! I LOVE YOU! I'M SORRY!
@catdsilver YOU TRY BURNING DOWN IMAGINATION LAND!
I just changed my background to remind me of how sexy I was at 32. Here's looking at you @johncmayer. $240 worth of pudding, you were!
Watching 'Life without Humans.' Randy's Donuts will succumb to rain. No fair. I shall eat it by myself. Om Nom Nom Nom.
@catdsilver I shall pay for your college education. It's important to me that you are independent. You are, as always, my bottom bitch :)
To my recent new followers, this is the skinny on @johnmayerasasim: http://twitpic.com/jdvhp
Q:Masha teezu marfin? Wobbie nobla eet? A:Why thank you sweetheart! I just came everywh... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114749864
Come ask an old man something. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
Q:What inspired your 2030 grammy for best ... A:The hope that I would one day live alone... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114893838
Q:Did you ever mount that rare white tiger? A:Yes, several times. He's stuffed in the be... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114895066
Q:Is is true that you have a private photo... A:Why yes I do. As she's my creator, I am ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114901453
Woke up to my wife telling me that Belvedere was moving out with Justin and Kyla. Don't remember who they are? Me neither.
@catdsilver I was thinking a sex dungeon but either way, my dreams are coming true!
Mel Brooks and I are hanging out tonight. We're going to discuss how awesome we are.
@aplusk If they do a Jack Johnson Mellow Show, can you tell them to get Bill Hader to be John Mayer?
I have another son living in this house? Oh, well at least he knows how to wipe himself. The current tally of people living here is 5.
His name is Dominic and he's about 30. Says he's been living here the whole time. Does he have a job, I ask? Yes, he does. He's a keeper.
Dominic must be a cool guy. I mean, he's seen everything that's gone down in this house and he still wants to stick around.
I feel so sad for those poor Californians. Surely, I can donate to Starbucks or something so they can go get a $9 latte. @bunnyears
@bunnyears It's a sex dungeon.
@bratmedic We're all friends, I consider it a compliment.
Today's music? Bonobo "If you stayed over" ♫ http://twt.fm/370705
Oh. My. God. RT @TheSims3: Bryan the Valentine Bear is guaranteed to woo any secret Valentine. FREE Dwnload: http://bit.ly/oEhZK
MADDY! LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT YOU! http://is.gd/7Embx
This little girl knows how to hug. She squeezes the life out of me. Good thing I've taken my Boning. Boning = male Boniva equivalent. Dirty.
Wonderful - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czvxyDgqxmM
@kellyjpk Annie Lennox could make a duet with a cat and it would sound amazing.
Q:Who is Sally? A:@sallyblock. She made me. She's my original bottom bitch. I love her.... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/117984784
This just in - Lady Gaga has hired me as a back up singer. I only come out on 'Bad Romance' to randomly yell 'HEY!' or 'I'M A FREE BITCH!'
RE: my last tweet, yes I will dress accordingly and appropriately for the 5 minutes my geriatric ass will be on stage; bubble tubetop.
@IsabelaLaurence what?
WHAT? RT @IsabelaLaurence: @JohnMayerAsASim Will not happen more Zorap none? is not more exciting?his age not to can participate more?
@IsabelaLaurence please understand I'm not trying to be mean, but nothing about what you said made sense. There were no coherent sentences.
@IsabelaLaurence And that this is why I get annoyed.
@IsabelaLaurence I just told you.
@IsabelaLaurence You wrote this tweet, does it look like it makes sense? http://twitter.com/IsabelaLaurence/statuses/8614198363
@IsabelaLaurence Do you understand why that tweet made no sense to me?
@Cheekiemunkey Why hay thar pretty lady. I've just taken my John Mayer Brand Old Man Late Night vitamins.
@Cheekiemunkey Scared.
@IsabelaLaurence No, that's not it at all. It's that I get irritated because I never understand a word you say.
@IsabelaLaurence And we'd be able to converse if I ever really understood a word you say. I only seriously threatened to block you once.
@IsabelaLaurence ok
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