Damn near tripped over my balls getting out of the shower. Why do I bother anymore?
@bearheadedgirl I'm going to smack you in your face. I'm old, it's all bones.
@VannyDel I'm just really fanatical about hitting things with anything bone-like.
House party at my place. The wife has gone to visit her family. Taken everyone else but me because I hid in the imaginary studio!
What should I do tonight since the family is out of town? Suggestions welcome.
Little Cross Dressers and the Women Who Love Them on the next Sick Sad World!
@sugarplumkelly I vaguely recall hearing you say you might have a suggestion for me
@VannyDel and I'd get away with SO much more. I'd have like, 30 more wives
@vannydel If only everyone lived according to this philosophy, my life would be easier.
@VannyDel You are a beautiful woman. I shall call upon you when I'm lying on my deathbed. It'll be from a motel six.
@VannyDel That's awesome considering my plan to live forever and scare my children's children's children.
Well @sallyblock I figured that since you were sleeping, you really weren't going to be needing that wrist anyway.
@circusizedpnuts @vannydel if any of you do that to my Maddy, you'll be dead in the morning and your head will be replaced with a horse.
@VannyDel I was just making sure it was clear and official.
@VannyDel And it's not sundown here. I can't go walking around with a midget in my pants cause you've decided to speak the language of lurve
Maddy and I spent the last hour making faces at each other. Promised they wouldn't stick. I mean, look at me. Oh...Fuck.
@VannyDel Secret Trufax: those hit the prostate in just the right place.
@circusizedpnuts We are definitely going to play Las Vegas now.
@benjamin__linus come out from your bunker. it's showtime soon.
If you live in a different time zone and don't want to be spoiled about LOST, then don't read me. There. Now you can't complain. STFD.
This is some very shitty pea soup. I'm going to kill the waiter.
Going clothes shopping at the Gap with Maddy after this. I'm buying her everything in the store. She doesn't know it. Happy Birthday, baby!
@STINGYBee I would give up everything I've ever owned for her.
Maddy runs around #GapKids, asking 'Can I get this?' 'What about these?' I say 'Maybe,' 'I don't know.' The store associate tallies all.
Maddy: Grampa, I dunno which color of this shirt I like best http://is.gd/7AnHN Me: You can put all 4at the register & decide later
Me: Maddy, you should grab some socks to go with those galoshes. And some bootcut jeans to go beneath them. I dunno what kind works best.
No, her parents don't know I've taken her shopping. They think we went to a movie. Yeah right, like I'd pay $20 to nap in public.
'MADDY! MADDY, WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?! This is for you. Yes I'm sure. Wear it tomorrow. No, nobody will pick on you.' http://is.gd/7ArlI
So Maddy, what do you want? Oh you want that? You want that dress? Ok. Those jeans. Okay. What about those ones. You want those ones too?
Why not add that jacket? That PARKAH? THOSE SHOES? THE WHOLE STORE?
u90459#deu!t&t Hard to update, Maddy knocked me down with hugs/kisses at the register. What's that? No, I don't need a #gapcard. I have one.
@IsabelaLaurence maddy's very conscientious and almost shy about asking for stuff.
Maddy and I are home. She's sleeping. I'm settling down with my John Mayer Brand Old Man Drinks so I can fully enjoy 'LOST'
Seriously, how is #LOST not trending now? I'm disappointed in all of you.
@GKie Good, I hate being an angry old man.
Yeah, I would kick Jack in the head too. What a fuck stick. He's like one of my ex-wives' new husbands.
@ShenaniganJenn Your ability to complain about John Mayer is greatly diminished when you openly admit to watching American Idol.
Oh look, a bad idea at 4 o'clock #LOST
Sorry you had to see me like that. Interesting, I say that to my wife every morning as an apology for the previous night.
Really glad I was an old dirty bastard ® the other night and watched the first hour of #LOST or else well no, I'd still be just as fucked up
Whenever Sawyer looks at Jack, this is all I see: http://is.gd/7AIht
I'm #justsayin, if someone loses my dead body, I'm coming back from the dead, locating myself and murdering everyone in sight.
@Pixolita Whassup with all this sexual chocolate coming my old man way? I should sell John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate.
John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate. Available exclusively at Walgreen's.
@VannyDel John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate is the generic.
@VannyDel I'm so happy to hear about this.
@ShenaniganJenn it's a unisex product.
Is Miles fucking the ground?
@caitinlv John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate
Isn't this where they saved Ben? I always liked that name. If I ever have more kids. Wait, what? God dammit.
I don't know, I think that'll do any day of the week. RT @SugarPlumKelly: @RonVMyers Oooops! I wasn't even close.
The sheer amount of times Jack gets pwned in this episode gives me pleasure. Thank you ABC. You've set the bar so high #LOST
I love my saucy blonde bitches. Thank you, Lost.
@meeshell78 cherry wheat beer. Good stuff. saved me last week.
yeah, fLocke? Now you know how I feel about my family on any given day.
@bearheadedgirl I'm going to smack you in your face. I'm old, it's all bones.
@VannyDel I'm just really fanatical about hitting things with anything bone-like.
House party at my place. The wife has gone to visit her family. Taken everyone else but me because I hid in the imaginary studio!
What should I do tonight since the family is out of town? Suggestions welcome.
Little Cross Dressers and the Women Who Love Them on the next Sick Sad World!
@sugarplumkelly I vaguely recall hearing you say you might have a suggestion for me
@VannyDel and I'd get away with SO much more. I'd have like, 30 more wives
@vannydel If only everyone lived according to this philosophy, my life would be easier.
@VannyDel You are a beautiful woman. I shall call upon you when I'm lying on my deathbed. It'll be from a motel six.
@VannyDel That's awesome considering my plan to live forever and scare my children's children's children.
Well @sallyblock I figured that since you were sleeping, you really weren't going to be needing that wrist anyway.
@circusizedpnuts @vannydel if any of you do that to my Maddy, you'll be dead in the morning and your head will be replaced with a horse.
@VannyDel I was just making sure it was clear and official.
@VannyDel And it's not sundown here. I can't go walking around with a midget in my pants cause you've decided to speak the language of lurve
Maddy and I spent the last hour making faces at each other. Promised they wouldn't stick. I mean, look at me. Oh...Fuck.
@VannyDel Secret Trufax: those hit the prostate in just the right place.
@circusizedpnuts We are definitely going to play Las Vegas now.
@benjamin__linus come out from your bunker. it's showtime soon.
If you live in a different time zone and don't want to be spoiled about LOST, then don't read me. There. Now you can't complain. STFD.
This is some very shitty pea soup. I'm going to kill the waiter.
Going clothes shopping at the Gap with Maddy after this. I'm buying her everything in the store. She doesn't know it. Happy Birthday, baby!
@STINGYBee I would give up everything I've ever owned for her.
Maddy runs around #GapKids, asking 'Can I get this?' 'What about these?' I say 'Maybe,' 'I don't know.' The store associate tallies all.
Maddy: Grampa, I dunno which color of this shirt I like best http://is.gd/7AnHN Me: You can put all 4at the register & decide later
Me: Maddy, you should grab some socks to go with those galoshes. And some bootcut jeans to go beneath them. I dunno what kind works best.
No, her parents don't know I've taken her shopping. They think we went to a movie. Yeah right, like I'd pay $20 to nap in public.
'MADDY! MADDY, WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?! This is for you. Yes I'm sure. Wear it tomorrow. No, nobody will pick on you.' http://is.gd/7ArlI
So Maddy, what do you want? Oh you want that? You want that dress? Ok. Those jeans. Okay. What about those ones. You want those ones too?
Why not add that jacket? That PARKAH? THOSE SHOES? THE WHOLE STORE?
u90459#deu!t&t Hard to update, Maddy knocked me down with hugs/kisses at the register. What's that? No, I don't need a #gapcard. I have one.
@IsabelaLaurence maddy's very conscientious and almost shy about asking for stuff.
Maddy and I are home. She's sleeping. I'm settling down with my John Mayer Brand Old Man Drinks so I can fully enjoy 'LOST'
Seriously, how is #LOST not trending now? I'm disappointed in all of you.
@GKie Good, I hate being an angry old man.
Yeah, I would kick Jack in the head too. What a fuck stick. He's like one of my ex-wives' new husbands.
@ShenaniganJenn Your ability to complain about John Mayer is greatly diminished when you openly admit to watching American Idol.
Oh look, a bad idea at 4 o'clock #LOST
Sorry you had to see me like that. Interesting, I say that to my wife every morning as an apology for the previous night.
Really glad I was an old dirty bastard ® the other night and watched the first hour of #LOST or else well no, I'd still be just as fucked up
Whenever Sawyer looks at Jack, this is all I see: http://is.gd/7AIht
I'm #justsayin, if someone loses my dead body, I'm coming back from the dead, locating myself and murdering everyone in sight.
@Pixolita Whassup with all this sexual chocolate coming my old man way? I should sell John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate.
John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate. Available exclusively at Walgreen's.
@VannyDel John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate is the generic.
@VannyDel I'm so happy to hear about this.
@ShenaniganJenn it's a unisex product.
Is Miles fucking the ground?
@caitinlv John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate
Isn't this where they saved Ben? I always liked that name. If I ever have more kids. Wait, what? God dammit.
I don't know, I think that'll do any day of the week. RT @SugarPlumKelly: @RonVMyers Oooops! I wasn't even close.
The sheer amount of times Jack gets pwned in this episode gives me pleasure. Thank you ABC. You've set the bar so high #LOST
I love my saucy blonde bitches. Thank you, Lost.
@meeshell78 cherry wheat beer. Good stuff. saved me last week.
yeah, fLocke? Now you know how I feel about my family on any given day.
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