No no, hold back. No need to be mean this evening. Being cantankerous is enough. That'll do.
"No we didn't use protection! She was 110!" #SNL
@johncmayer I love that you've become a celebrity match maker. It's just another wonderful thing you bring to the table.
@johncmayer My girl @catdsilver met you the other night outside the Sunrise show. The simplest handshake made her night. Passing it on!
@cwm76 That's how I feel about Kristen Wiig.
http://twitpic.com/11u73p - We both know he's really Steve from Tough Love. But ok, right, he's my son.
@MCSafetyScissor cause she is goddamned annoying and over used
"Rock and roll always endures...unlike my prostate." Wisdom from SNL
Tonight's final SNL skit foreshadows what's going to happen at Maddy's wedding.
@bearheadedgirl http://twitpic.com/11usol - I am not putting that into the will.
Fuck the super bowl. My family let me sleep all day.
@NaughtyRev that's the cutest god damn thing I've ever seen. I look forward to it every year.
Thanks family! Today was a complete waste of a day.
@NZAfro They also need black lines and shit.
@NZAfro You know, for that hard core edge
Watching 'Inglourious Basterds' in the study. No, Maddy is not here. She's too young.
I'm writing the sequel to Inglorious Basterds. It'll be called "Inglourious Basterds 2: Return of the Giant Pipe."
A short piece, "Inglourious Basterds II: Return of the Giant Pipe" will feature 8 old Jewish men sitting, smoking ridiculously large pipes.
@Nick_Sydney I'll see what I can do.
The way Brad Pitt says 'The Bear Jew' makes me feel all tingly inside. Oh how I miss the 1940s.
From now on, I shall speak in third person to my family members whenever I want something. My example will be in my next tweet.
For example: Old, elderly Johnny wants a blow job and a half eaten watermelon. Oblige him.
@circusizedpnuts teehehee
@ellebees I love the taste of jears. They taste like Baileys in your favorite Starbucks drink.
@VannyDel Once again, just came.
@VannyDel And it was during Donny Donowitz's bloody bat scene.
@ivanahumpalott In that case, mah wife @catdsilver
"No we didn't use protection! She was 110!" #SNL
@johncmayer I love that you've become a celebrity match maker. It's just another wonderful thing you bring to the table.
@johncmayer My girl @catdsilver met you the other night outside the Sunrise show. The simplest handshake made her night. Passing it on!
@cwm76 That's how I feel about Kristen Wiig.
http://twitpic.com/11u73p - We both know he's really Steve from Tough Love. But ok, right, he's my son.
@MCSafetyScissor cause she is goddamned annoying and over used
"Rock and roll always endures...unlike my prostate." Wisdom from SNL
Tonight's final SNL skit foreshadows what's going to happen at Maddy's wedding.
@bearheadedgirl http://twitpic.com/11usol - I am not putting that into the will.
Fuck the super bowl. My family let me sleep all day.
@NaughtyRev that's the cutest god damn thing I've ever seen. I look forward to it every year.
Thanks family! Today was a complete waste of a day.
@NZAfro They also need black lines and shit.
@NZAfro You know, for that hard core edge
Watching 'Inglourious Basterds' in the study. No, Maddy is not here. She's too young.
I'm writing the sequel to Inglorious Basterds. It'll be called "Inglourious Basterds 2: Return of the Giant Pipe."
A short piece, "Inglourious Basterds II: Return of the Giant Pipe" will feature 8 old Jewish men sitting, smoking ridiculously large pipes.
@Nick_Sydney I'll see what I can do.
The way Brad Pitt says 'The Bear Jew' makes me feel all tingly inside. Oh how I miss the 1940s.
From now on, I shall speak in third person to my family members whenever I want something. My example will be in my next tweet.
For example: Old, elderly Johnny wants a blow job and a half eaten watermelon. Oblige him.
@circusizedpnuts teehehee
@ellebees I love the taste of jears. They taste like Baileys in your favorite Starbucks drink.
@VannyDel Once again, just came.
@VannyDel And it was during Donny Donowitz's bloody bat scene.
@ivanahumpalott In that case, mah wife @catdsilver
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
@johncmayer If your music weren't around I probably would've offed myself years ago. Even happier that you have the personality to match it!
What is up with all this cock chat tonight? I don't know where to start...
Why does my damn neighbor insist on mowing the lawn at 5am? I don't understand kids these days.
@caitinlv why aren't you in zorap talking dirty to me?
@caitinlv Ahhh
Trufax: Judd Nelson and I used to hang out and discuss hair products.
Goddammit, I love the movie 'Robots.' Watching it with Maddy on the couch.
Dear Sarah Palin: Do you think that every country singer lives Nashville? Suck my dick and go away.
So Sarah Palin wants people who have no experience to come out and run for office. Why not? She did. See how well that worked out.
@ebertchicago Sarah Palin wants people who have no experience to come out and run for office. Why not? She did. See how well that worked out
@ebertchicago Tips for speaking like Sarah Palin: 1) repeat yourself in trifold and 2) occasionally toss in the word 'God'
@angrymom80 Yeah, and he was, like totally a TV sports caster and a beauty pageant queen before being elected President. Totes agree.
Oh Sarah Palin: Saying "We Win, They Lose" isn't a plan when asked what your plan is. How very specific of you.
Also Sarah Palin, I guess you like food for dinner, drinks when you're thirsty and fun for when you're bored.
Of course, Sarah Palin, it's the media's fault that you're controversial. Why would it ever be your fault? Sorry.
Best word ever heard on MSNBC right now, though I had to make Maddy leave the room to fully enjoy it, 'Abortocentrism.' Love it.
@angrymom80 Get an education and stop picking fights on twitterland. Not engaging, thank you.
@MCSafetyScissor Take some pictures for me, I'll be there in 3 days with my walker.
The reason why Sarah Palin wasn't given any hope and change is because she isn't smart enough to handle any of it.
@caitinlv oh my Las Vegas Betty
What is up with all this cock chat tonight? I don't know where to start...
Why does my damn neighbor insist on mowing the lawn at 5am? I don't understand kids these days.
@caitinlv why aren't you in zorap talking dirty to me?
@caitinlv Ahhh
Trufax: Judd Nelson and I used to hang out and discuss hair products.
Goddammit, I love the movie 'Robots.' Watching it with Maddy on the couch.
Dear Sarah Palin: Do you think that every country singer lives Nashville? Suck my dick and go away.
So Sarah Palin wants people who have no experience to come out and run for office. Why not? She did. See how well that worked out.
@ebertchicago Sarah Palin wants people who have no experience to come out and run for office. Why not? She did. See how well that worked out
@ebertchicago Tips for speaking like Sarah Palin: 1) repeat yourself in trifold and 2) occasionally toss in the word 'God'
@angrymom80 Yeah, and he was, like totally a TV sports caster and a beauty pageant queen before being elected President. Totes agree.
Oh Sarah Palin: Saying "We Win, They Lose" isn't a plan when asked what your plan is. How very specific of you.
Also Sarah Palin, I guess you like food for dinner, drinks when you're thirsty and fun for when you're bored.
Of course, Sarah Palin, it's the media's fault that you're controversial. Why would it ever be your fault? Sorry.
Best word ever heard on MSNBC right now, though I had to make Maddy leave the room to fully enjoy it, 'Abortocentrism.' Love it.
@angrymom80 Get an education and stop picking fights on twitterland. Not engaging, thank you.
@MCSafetyScissor Take some pictures for me, I'll be there in 3 days with my walker.
The reason why Sarah Palin wasn't given any hope and change is because she isn't smart enough to handle any of it.
@caitinlv oh my Las Vegas Betty
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
@catdsilver That's secretly how I met my first wife
Hey @bobmaron, your presence is requested in Florida.
@bobmaron wearing an ascot, of course.
So my wife met the real thing tonight. Super glad to hear it as well.
@ivanahumpalott my girl @catdsilver met @johncmayer tonight outside the buses at the Florida show
@circusizedpnuts I've been telling you time and again that you'll die of heat exhaustion if you come into this sauna fully clothed.
Tonight I'll be watching Dr. Parnassus.
@catdsilver You are definitely not in the minority in loving Steve Jordan. Several people can back you up in loving his fabulousness.
*steps out of character for the next few tweets* barring any emergency circumstances, I think I'm going to keep this format
And remain tweeting as Elderly John, the younger John cartoons being his flashbacks or something.
Okay just letting y'all know what the game plan is from now on. Didn't think I'd make it a week under this format. As you were! *back under*
UPUSSY
@catdsilver Wife, you'd better start making sense soon or else I'm going to spank you in public. But I forgot you like that.
@VannyDel *trembles*
@VannyDel I'm at a starbucks with Maddy. Stop that.
At a Starbucks with Maddy, treating her to a decaf short caramel macchiato so she can get used to the taste. We're going to play checkers.
What taste does Maddy have to get used to? THE TASTE OF AWESOMENESS AND HAPPY.
@circusizedpnuts Nope, I was referring to your quoting the lyrics of that 80's song.
I had a dream about Darth Vader last night. Someone tell me what this means. Please.
@circusizedpnuts I'll be there in a half hour. The pictures we send to the internets will be incredible and worth a shitload of monies.
@bearheadedgirl They've been sent to my newly built sex dungeon. Let me redirect them.
@Uilos I always love it when you come to my house. You clean up after yourself and you don't mooch. Plus, you don't ask to be put in my will
@Uilos And just so everyone knows, NOT asking to be put in my will increases your chances of gettin IN my will. Foolish exwives and bastards
@VannyDel Why you gots to be making fun of us old men. We are nasty but...oh wait.
@VannyDel THIS IS NO TIME TO TALK THE DIRTAY DIRTAY! I'M STILL AT THE GOT DAM STARBUCKS WITH MADDY!
@VannyDel THAT'S IT! I'm going to take a cue from Pootie Tang, my favorite movie of all time, and call you Dirty Dee.
@VannyDel Thanks, Dirty Dee. You just knocked it out of place. Time to get that replaced on Monday.
@yearinla http://twitpic.com/11kad0 - I'm sorry I left those behind when I stopped by on my John Mayer Brand Old Man Tour of the South, Spon
@k8thompson @caitinlv If it's someone in my house, I'm going to shoot myself in the dick with a pistol.
This old man needs some questions http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
@yearinla those belong to someone else. It's very hazy.
YES! RT @LuizaVilleneuve: Your dream of Darth Vader was a premonition about the launch of limited edition helmets yesterday in value $ 900.
Whenever Maddy is home from school, I will be her teacher. She will watch this to keep up to date on her classes: http://is.gd/7MwrG
Q:Ever thought of branching out in your pr... A:They must all have my name on them. I me... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/127188375
Dear Livejournal server: what wrong witchu? I'm trying to post some more fanfiction about myself, er, um, read about my friends' day! Work!
@LuizaVilleneuve I might buy it. It seems rather pricey. But people already know to fear my wrath so what's the point? ;)
@LuizaVilleneuve Fuck Perez Hilton.
@LuizaVilleneuve He's just so full of shit. He could use his site/presence for good and he doesn't. So self important. needs to shut up.
@LuizaVilleneuve You can talk about Perez, just not TO him. It'll be okay.
@LuizaVilleneuve Yes, very much so.
@LuizaVilleneuve You live in florida?
@LuizaVilleneuve k
@LuizaVilleneuve Maddy gets scared of planes. I'd better not. But thank you!
@LuizaVilleneuve Very close to it. In between Los Angeles and Never NeverLand.
Got Merle Haggard's 'Sweethearts or Strangers,' Please email it to me at JohnMayerasaSim at Gmail Dot Com. Maybe I'll put you in the will?
@NaughtyRev The fact that they haven't done so yet is fucking abominable.
I'm going to just randomly friend 10 people on 10 random twitter lists. See if they follow me back. Awesome.
According to Ellen, it's Fist Pump Friday. I'm scared. Hip replacement Monday is coming. Don't injure me.
That last tweet goes out to all the Single Ladies on my feed. You have been warned.
@caitinlv Bones aching.
@caitinlv I MEANT JOINTS, I MEANT JOINTS!
@LuizaVilleneuve One day your prince will come.
@13thwitness That's very hipster of you.
@LuizaVilleneuve YEP! You're welcome!
@LuizaVilleneuve I didn't mention Valentines Day at all. That day needs to be set aflame. Celebrate love every day. With sex and chocolate.
@LuizaVilleneuve Hooray for you! I haven't seen @johncmayer since November and it was a great show. Enjoy it!
Hey @bobmaron, your presence is requested in Florida.
@bobmaron wearing an ascot, of course.
So my wife met the real thing tonight. Super glad to hear it as well.
@ivanahumpalott my girl @catdsilver met @johncmayer tonight outside the buses at the Florida show
@circusizedpnuts I've been telling you time and again that you'll die of heat exhaustion if you come into this sauna fully clothed.
Tonight I'll be watching Dr. Parnassus.
@catdsilver You are definitely not in the minority in loving Steve Jordan. Several people can back you up in loving his fabulousness.
*steps out of character for the next few tweets* barring any emergency circumstances, I think I'm going to keep this format
And remain tweeting as Elderly John, the younger John cartoons being his flashbacks or something.
Okay just letting y'all know what the game plan is from now on. Didn't think I'd make it a week under this format. As you were! *back under*
UPUSSY
@catdsilver Wife, you'd better start making sense soon or else I'm going to spank you in public. But I forgot you like that.
@VannyDel *trembles*
@VannyDel I'm at a starbucks with Maddy. Stop that.
At a Starbucks with Maddy, treating her to a decaf short caramel macchiato so she can get used to the taste. We're going to play checkers.
What taste does Maddy have to get used to? THE TASTE OF AWESOMENESS AND HAPPY.
@circusizedpnuts Nope, I was referring to your quoting the lyrics of that 80's song.
I had a dream about Darth Vader last night. Someone tell me what this means. Please.
@circusizedpnuts I'll be there in a half hour. The pictures we send to the internets will be incredible and worth a shitload of monies.
@bearheadedgirl They've been sent to my newly built sex dungeon. Let me redirect them.
@Uilos I always love it when you come to my house. You clean up after yourself and you don't mooch. Plus, you don't ask to be put in my will
@Uilos And just so everyone knows, NOT asking to be put in my will increases your chances of gettin IN my will. Foolish exwives and bastards
@VannyDel Why you gots to be making fun of us old men. We are nasty but...oh wait.
@VannyDel THIS IS NO TIME TO TALK THE DIRTAY DIRTAY! I'M STILL AT THE GOT DAM STARBUCKS WITH MADDY!
@VannyDel THAT'S IT! I'm going to take a cue from Pootie Tang, my favorite movie of all time, and call you Dirty Dee.
@VannyDel Thanks, Dirty Dee. You just knocked it out of place. Time to get that replaced on Monday.
@yearinla http://twitpic.com/11kad0 - I'm sorry I left those behind when I stopped by on my John Mayer Brand Old Man Tour of the South, Spon
@k8thompson @caitinlv If it's someone in my house, I'm going to shoot myself in the dick with a pistol.
This old man needs some questions http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
@yearinla those belong to someone else. It's very hazy.
YES! RT @LuizaVilleneuve: Your dream of Darth Vader was a premonition about the launch of limited edition helmets yesterday in value $ 900.
Whenever Maddy is home from school, I will be her teacher. She will watch this to keep up to date on her classes: http://is.gd/7MwrG
Q:Ever thought of branching out in your pr... A:They must all have my name on them. I me... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/127188375
Dear Livejournal server: what wrong witchu? I'm trying to post some more fanfiction about myself, er, um, read about my friends' day! Work!
@LuizaVilleneuve I might buy it. It seems rather pricey. But people already know to fear my wrath so what's the point? ;)
@LuizaVilleneuve Fuck Perez Hilton.
@LuizaVilleneuve He's just so full of shit. He could use his site/presence for good and he doesn't. So self important. needs to shut up.
@LuizaVilleneuve You can talk about Perez, just not TO him. It'll be okay.
@LuizaVilleneuve Yes, very much so.
@LuizaVilleneuve You live in florida?
@LuizaVilleneuve k
@LuizaVilleneuve Maddy gets scared of planes. I'd better not. But thank you!
@LuizaVilleneuve Very close to it. In between Los Angeles and Never NeverLand.
Got Merle Haggard's 'Sweethearts or Strangers,' Please email it to me at JohnMayerasaSim at Gmail Dot Com. Maybe I'll put you in the will?
@NaughtyRev The fact that they haven't done so yet is fucking abominable.
I'm going to just randomly friend 10 people on 10 random twitter lists. See if they follow me back. Awesome.
According to Ellen, it's Fist Pump Friday. I'm scared. Hip replacement Monday is coming. Don't injure me.
That last tweet goes out to all the Single Ladies on my feed. You have been warned.
@caitinlv Bones aching.
@caitinlv I MEANT JOINTS, I MEANT JOINTS!
@LuizaVilleneuve One day your prince will come.
@13thwitness That's very hipster of you.
@LuizaVilleneuve YEP! You're welcome!
@LuizaVilleneuve I didn't mention Valentines Day at all. That day needs to be set aflame. Celebrate love every day. With sex and chocolate.
@LuizaVilleneuve Hooray for you! I haven't seen @johncmayer since November and it was a great show. Enjoy it!
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
Taking my John Mayer Brand Old Man Sleepy Pills = Benadryl. Take them for the sleep, stay awake for the lolz.
Come on and ask an old man something. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
RIP Alice Horton
Oh let's fall asleep with our makeup on. Why was I wearing makeup? MADDY! CAT! Oh what a day this will be.
I've just discovered @StefanoDiMera has a Twitter. Finally someone out there in twitterland who understands me and my plight.
Now for sale: John Mayer Brand Old Man Bladder. IT ANGERED ME! I mean, it works fine but I might be getting a new one for Hanukkah.
Why hello there, @stefanodimera! Now that we're following each other, why don't we start up a boys club?
Q:If I brush my teeth, will you play 3x5? A:I wish that you would, but I haven't played ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/121500083
Q:Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling? A:Not since I started taking my John Mayer ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/121501659
@LuizaVilleneuve No, a boys club is just for men.
Come on and make an old man laugh. Ask me something http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
Aww, @benjamin__Linus. Come join me, @stefanodimera and @circusizedpnuts. We've created a Men's club. Singing in Vegas tonight at the Palms.
RT @TheEllenShow: Who’s feeling lucky? Tweet “I wanna win @TheEllenShow’s #WinterWinStorm http://su.pr/1BVbe3” to win a bunch of prizes!
Hey @johncmayer! My wife @catdsilver is coming to see you tonight. Make sure you treat her right. Our future depends on it!
I wanna win @TheEllenShow’s #WinterWinStorm http://su.pr/1BVbe3
Nobody takes an old man like me seriously. *sighs* *falls asleep face first into his Baileys Vanilla mixed with Ensure*
Q:Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra? A:None of these! JOHN MAYER BRAND OLD MAN DICK PILLS!... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/122056945
Q:How many lovers do You have?What is it t... A:Just one: @catdsilver - the curvy blonde... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/122070847
Rhapsody in Blue is one of the best songs ever composed. Ever. Just believe it. Don't question it.
@bunnyears Teach me how to use it to escape my family?
I got an old man half pinch. RT @Vanessa_Rose: I dont care if the whole world gets a boner over Valentines Dat...I still dont give a shit.
@Vanessa_Rose but to be fair, it was just from your language in that tweet.
@bunnyears The kids who just moved the fuck out have decided to come over for dinner? What? Like they can't afford McDonalds?
THIS IS NOT THE JOHN MAYER BRAND OLD MAN HOUSE OF WAFFLES! Though, JMBOMHOW does have a nice ring to it and would compete well with IHOP.
@bunnyears I make fabulous pancakes, waffles, sausage links. I'm not shocked they can't stay away but they can't spend the night.
@SugarPlumKelly who do you mean?
Come on and ask an old man something. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
RIP Alice Horton
Oh let's fall asleep with our makeup on. Why was I wearing makeup? MADDY! CAT! Oh what a day this will be.
I've just discovered @StefanoDiMera has a Twitter. Finally someone out there in twitterland who understands me and my plight.
Now for sale: John Mayer Brand Old Man Bladder. IT ANGERED ME! I mean, it works fine but I might be getting a new one for Hanukkah.
Why hello there, @stefanodimera! Now that we're following each other, why don't we start up a boys club?
Q:If I brush my teeth, will you play 3x5? A:I wish that you would, but I haven't played ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/121500083
Q:Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling? A:Not since I started taking my John Mayer ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/121501659
@LuizaVilleneuve No, a boys club is just for men.
Come on and make an old man laugh. Ask me something http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
Aww, @benjamin__Linus. Come join me, @stefanodimera and @circusizedpnuts. We've created a Men's club. Singing in Vegas tonight at the Palms.
RT @TheEllenShow: Who’s feeling lucky? Tweet “I wanna win @TheEllenShow’s #WinterWinStorm http://su.pr/1BVbe3” to win a bunch of prizes!
Hey @johncmayer! My wife @catdsilver is coming to see you tonight. Make sure you treat her right. Our future depends on it!
I wanna win @TheEllenShow’s #WinterWinStorm http://su.pr/1BVbe3
Nobody takes an old man like me seriously. *sighs* *falls asleep face first into his Baileys Vanilla mixed with Ensure*
Q:Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra? A:None of these! JOHN MAYER BRAND OLD MAN DICK PILLS!... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/122056945
Q:How many lovers do You have?What is it t... A:Just one: @catdsilver - the curvy blonde... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/122070847
Rhapsody in Blue is one of the best songs ever composed. Ever. Just believe it. Don't question it.
@bunnyears Teach me how to use it to escape my family?
I got an old man half pinch. RT @Vanessa_Rose: I dont care if the whole world gets a boner over Valentines Dat...I still dont give a shit.
@Vanessa_Rose but to be fair, it was just from your language in that tweet.
@bunnyears The kids who just moved the fuck out have decided to come over for dinner? What? Like they can't afford McDonalds?
THIS IS NOT THE JOHN MAYER BRAND OLD MAN HOUSE OF WAFFLES! Though, JMBOMHOW does have a nice ring to it and would compete well with IHOP.
@bunnyears I make fabulous pancakes, waffles, sausage links. I'm not shocked they can't stay away but they can't spend the night.
@SugarPlumKelly who do you mean?
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
ME: Why can't I get a cat or dog? @catdsilver: You didn't take care of Walls when he was a baby, why would you take care of a pet now?
Me: Cause the dog already knows how to take a dump on its own and I can use it to pick up chicks -- I'M SORRY! I LOVE YOU! I'M SORRY!
@catdsilver YOU TRY BURNING DOWN IMAGINATION LAND!
I just changed my background to remind me of how sexy I was at 32. Here's looking at you @johncmayer. $240 worth of pudding, you were!
Watching 'Life without Humans.' Randy's Donuts will succumb to rain. No fair. I shall eat it by myself. Om Nom Nom Nom.
@catdsilver I shall pay for your college education. It's important to me that you are independent. You are, as always, my bottom bitch :)
To my recent new followers, this is the skinny on @johnmayerasasim: http://twitpic.com/jdvhp
Q:Masha teezu marfin? Wobbie nobla eet? A:Why thank you sweetheart! I just came everywh... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114749864
Come ask an old man something. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
Q:What inspired your 2030 grammy for best ... A:The hope that I would one day live alone... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114893838
Q:Did you ever mount that rare white tiger? A:Yes, several times. He's stuffed in the be... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114895066
Q:Is is true that you have a private photo... A:Why yes I do. As she's my creator, I am ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114901453
Woke up to my wife telling me that Belvedere was moving out with Justin and Kyla. Don't remember who they are? Me neither.
@catdsilver I was thinking a sex dungeon but either way, my dreams are coming true!
Mel Brooks and I are hanging out tonight. We're going to discuss how awesome we are.
@aplusk If they do a Jack Johnson Mellow Show, can you tell them to get Bill Hader to be John Mayer?
I have another son living in this house? Oh, well at least he knows how to wipe himself. The current tally of people living here is 5.
His name is Dominic and he's about 30. Says he's been living here the whole time. Does he have a job, I ask? Yes, he does. He's a keeper.
Dominic must be a cool guy. I mean, he's seen everything that's gone down in this house and he still wants to stick around.
I feel so sad for those poor Californians. Surely, I can donate to Starbucks or something so they can go get a $9 latte. @bunnyears
@bunnyears It's a sex dungeon.
@bratmedic We're all friends, I consider it a compliment.
Today's music? Bonobo "If you stayed over" ♫ http://twt.fm/370705
Oh. My. God. RT @TheSims3: Bryan the Valentine Bear is guaranteed to woo any secret Valentine. FREE Dwnload: http://bit.ly/oEhZK
MADDY! LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT YOU! http://is.gd/7Embx
This little girl knows how to hug. She squeezes the life out of me. Good thing I've taken my Boning. Boning = male Boniva equivalent. Dirty.
Wonderful - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czvxyDgqxmM
@kellyjpk Annie Lennox could make a duet with a cat and it would sound amazing.
Q:Who is Sally? A:@sallyblock. She made me. She's my original bottom bitch. I love her.... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/117984784
This just in - Lady Gaga has hired me as a back up singer. I only come out on 'Bad Romance' to randomly yell 'HEY!' or 'I'M A FREE BITCH!'
RE: my last tweet, yes I will dress accordingly and appropriately for the 5 minutes my geriatric ass will be on stage; bubble tubetop.
@IsabelaLaurence what?
WHAT? RT @IsabelaLaurence: @JohnMayerAsASim Will not happen more Zorap none? is not more exciting?his age not to can participate more?
@IsabelaLaurence please understand I'm not trying to be mean, but nothing about what you said made sense. There were no coherent sentences.
@IsabelaLaurence And that this is why I get annoyed.
@IsabelaLaurence I just told you.
@IsabelaLaurence You wrote this tweet, does it look like it makes sense? http://twitter.com/IsabelaLaurence/statuses/8614198363
@IsabelaLaurence Do you understand why that tweet made no sense to me?
@Cheekiemunkey Why hay thar pretty lady. I've just taken my John Mayer Brand Old Man Late Night vitamins.
@Cheekiemunkey Scared.
@IsabelaLaurence No, that's not it at all. It's that I get irritated because I never understand a word you say.
@IsabelaLaurence And we'd be able to converse if I ever really understood a word you say. I only seriously threatened to block you once.
@IsabelaLaurence ok
Me: Cause the dog already knows how to take a dump on its own and I can use it to pick up chicks -- I'M SORRY! I LOVE YOU! I'M SORRY!
@catdsilver YOU TRY BURNING DOWN IMAGINATION LAND!
I just changed my background to remind me of how sexy I was at 32. Here's looking at you @johncmayer. $240 worth of pudding, you were!
Watching 'Life without Humans.' Randy's Donuts will succumb to rain. No fair. I shall eat it by myself. Om Nom Nom Nom.
@catdsilver I shall pay for your college education. It's important to me that you are independent. You are, as always, my bottom bitch :)
To my recent new followers, this is the skinny on @johnmayerasasim: http://twitpic.com/jdvhp
Q:Masha teezu marfin? Wobbie nobla eet? A:Why thank you sweetheart! I just came everywh... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114749864
Come ask an old man something. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
Q:What inspired your 2030 grammy for best ... A:The hope that I would one day live alone... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114893838
Q:Did you ever mount that rare white tiger? A:Yes, several times. He's stuffed in the be... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114895066
Q:Is is true that you have a private photo... A:Why yes I do. As she's my creator, I am ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/114901453
Woke up to my wife telling me that Belvedere was moving out with Justin and Kyla. Don't remember who they are? Me neither.
@catdsilver I was thinking a sex dungeon but either way, my dreams are coming true!
Mel Brooks and I are hanging out tonight. We're going to discuss how awesome we are.
@aplusk If they do a Jack Johnson Mellow Show, can you tell them to get Bill Hader to be John Mayer?
I have another son living in this house? Oh, well at least he knows how to wipe himself. The current tally of people living here is 5.
His name is Dominic and he's about 30. Says he's been living here the whole time. Does he have a job, I ask? Yes, he does. He's a keeper.
Dominic must be a cool guy. I mean, he's seen everything that's gone down in this house and he still wants to stick around.
I feel so sad for those poor Californians. Surely, I can donate to Starbucks or something so they can go get a $9 latte. @bunnyears
@bunnyears It's a sex dungeon.
@bratmedic We're all friends, I consider it a compliment.
Today's music? Bonobo "If you stayed over" ♫ http://twt.fm/370705
Oh. My. God. RT @TheSims3: Bryan the Valentine Bear is guaranteed to woo any secret Valentine. FREE Dwnload: http://bit.ly/oEhZK
MADDY! LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT YOU! http://is.gd/7Embx
This little girl knows how to hug. She squeezes the life out of me. Good thing I've taken my Boning. Boning = male Boniva equivalent. Dirty.
Wonderful - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czvxyDgqxmM
@kellyjpk Annie Lennox could make a duet with a cat and it would sound amazing.
Q:Who is Sally? A:@sallyblock. She made me. She's my original bottom bitch. I love her.... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/117984784
This just in - Lady Gaga has hired me as a back up singer. I only come out on 'Bad Romance' to randomly yell 'HEY!' or 'I'M A FREE BITCH!'
RE: my last tweet, yes I will dress accordingly and appropriately for the 5 minutes my geriatric ass will be on stage; bubble tubetop.
@IsabelaLaurence what?
WHAT? RT @IsabelaLaurence: @JohnMayerAsASim Will not happen more Zorap none? is not more exciting?his age not to can participate more?
@IsabelaLaurence please understand I'm not trying to be mean, but nothing about what you said made sense. There were no coherent sentences.
@IsabelaLaurence And that this is why I get annoyed.
@IsabelaLaurence I just told you.
@IsabelaLaurence You wrote this tweet, does it look like it makes sense? http://twitter.com/IsabelaLaurence/statuses/8614198363
@IsabelaLaurence Do you understand why that tweet made no sense to me?
@Cheekiemunkey Why hay thar pretty lady. I've just taken my John Mayer Brand Old Man Late Night vitamins.
@Cheekiemunkey Scared.
@IsabelaLaurence No, that's not it at all. It's that I get irritated because I never understand a word you say.
@IsabelaLaurence And we'd be able to converse if I ever really understood a word you say. I only seriously threatened to block you once.
@IsabelaLaurence ok
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
Damn near tripped over my balls getting out of the shower. Why do I bother anymore?
@bearheadedgirl I'm going to smack you in your face. I'm old, it's all bones.
@VannyDel I'm just really fanatical about hitting things with anything bone-like.
House party at my place. The wife has gone to visit her family. Taken everyone else but me because I hid in the imaginary studio!
What should I do tonight since the family is out of town? Suggestions welcome.
Little Cross Dressers and the Women Who Love Them on the next Sick Sad World!
@sugarplumkelly I vaguely recall hearing you say you might have a suggestion for me
@VannyDel and I'd get away with SO much more. I'd have like, 30 more wives
@vannydel If only everyone lived according to this philosophy, my life would be easier.
@VannyDel You are a beautiful woman. I shall call upon you when I'm lying on my deathbed. It'll be from a motel six.
@VannyDel That's awesome considering my plan to live forever and scare my children's children's children.
Well @sallyblock I figured that since you were sleeping, you really weren't going to be needing that wrist anyway.
@circusizedpnuts @vannydel if any of you do that to my Maddy, you'll be dead in the morning and your head will be replaced with a horse.
@VannyDel I was just making sure it was clear and official.
@VannyDel And it's not sundown here. I can't go walking around with a midget in my pants cause you've decided to speak the language of lurve
Maddy and I spent the last hour making faces at each other. Promised they wouldn't stick. I mean, look at me. Oh...Fuck.
@VannyDel Secret Trufax: those hit the prostate in just the right place.
@circusizedpnuts We are definitely going to play Las Vegas now.
@benjamin__linus come out from your bunker. it's showtime soon.
If you live in a different time zone and don't want to be spoiled about LOST, then don't read me. There. Now you can't complain. STFD.
This is some very shitty pea soup. I'm going to kill the waiter.
Going clothes shopping at the Gap with Maddy after this. I'm buying her everything in the store. She doesn't know it. Happy Birthday, baby!
@STINGYBee I would give up everything I've ever owned for her.
Maddy runs around #GapKids, asking 'Can I get this?' 'What about these?' I say 'Maybe,' 'I don't know.' The store associate tallies all.
Maddy: Grampa, I dunno which color of this shirt I like best http://is.gd/7AnHN Me: You can put all 4at the register & decide later
Me: Maddy, you should grab some socks to go with those galoshes. And some bootcut jeans to go beneath them. I dunno what kind works best.
No, her parents don't know I've taken her shopping. They think we went to a movie. Yeah right, like I'd pay $20 to nap in public.
'MADDY! MADDY, WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?! This is for you. Yes I'm sure. Wear it tomorrow. No, nobody will pick on you.' http://is.gd/7ArlI
So Maddy, what do you want? Oh you want that? You want that dress? Ok. Those jeans. Okay. What about those ones. You want those ones too?
Why not add that jacket? That PARKAH? THOSE SHOES? THE WHOLE STORE?
u90459#deu!t&t Hard to update, Maddy knocked me down with hugs/kisses at the register. What's that? No, I don't need a #gapcard. I have one.
@IsabelaLaurence maddy's very conscientious and almost shy about asking for stuff.
Maddy and I are home. She's sleeping. I'm settling down with my John Mayer Brand Old Man Drinks so I can fully enjoy 'LOST'
Seriously, how is #LOST not trending now? I'm disappointed in all of you.
@GKie Good, I hate being an angry old man.
Yeah, I would kick Jack in the head too. What a fuck stick. He's like one of my ex-wives' new husbands.
@ShenaniganJenn Your ability to complain about John Mayer is greatly diminished when you openly admit to watching American Idol.
Oh look, a bad idea at 4 o'clock #LOST
Sorry you had to see me like that. Interesting, I say that to my wife every morning as an apology for the previous night.
Really glad I was an old dirty bastard ® the other night and watched the first hour of #LOST or else well no, I'd still be just as fucked up
Whenever Sawyer looks at Jack, this is all I see: http://is.gd/7AIht
I'm #justsayin, if someone loses my dead body, I'm coming back from the dead, locating myself and murdering everyone in sight.
@Pixolita Whassup with all this sexual chocolate coming my old man way? I should sell John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate.
John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate. Available exclusively at Walgreen's.
@VannyDel John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate is the generic.
@VannyDel I'm so happy to hear about this.
@ShenaniganJenn it's a unisex product.
Is Miles fucking the ground?
@caitinlv John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate
Isn't this where they saved Ben? I always liked that name. If I ever have more kids. Wait, what? God dammit.
I don't know, I think that'll do any day of the week. RT @SugarPlumKelly: @RonVMyers Oooops! I wasn't even close.
The sheer amount of times Jack gets pwned in this episode gives me pleasure. Thank you ABC. You've set the bar so high #LOST
I love my saucy blonde bitches. Thank you, Lost.
@meeshell78 cherry wheat beer. Good stuff. saved me last week.
yeah, fLocke? Now you know how I feel about my family on any given day.
@bearheadedgirl I'm going to smack you in your face. I'm old, it's all bones.
@VannyDel I'm just really fanatical about hitting things with anything bone-like.
House party at my place. The wife has gone to visit her family. Taken everyone else but me because I hid in the imaginary studio!
What should I do tonight since the family is out of town? Suggestions welcome.
Little Cross Dressers and the Women Who Love Them on the next Sick Sad World!
@sugarplumkelly I vaguely recall hearing you say you might have a suggestion for me
@VannyDel and I'd get away with SO much more. I'd have like, 30 more wives
@vannydel If only everyone lived according to this philosophy, my life would be easier.
@VannyDel You are a beautiful woman. I shall call upon you when I'm lying on my deathbed. It'll be from a motel six.
@VannyDel That's awesome considering my plan to live forever and scare my children's children's children.
Well @sallyblock I figured that since you were sleeping, you really weren't going to be needing that wrist anyway.
@circusizedpnuts @vannydel if any of you do that to my Maddy, you'll be dead in the morning and your head will be replaced with a horse.
@VannyDel I was just making sure it was clear and official.
@VannyDel And it's not sundown here. I can't go walking around with a midget in my pants cause you've decided to speak the language of lurve
Maddy and I spent the last hour making faces at each other. Promised they wouldn't stick. I mean, look at me. Oh...Fuck.
@VannyDel Secret Trufax: those hit the prostate in just the right place.
@circusizedpnuts We are definitely going to play Las Vegas now.
@benjamin__linus come out from your bunker. it's showtime soon.
If you live in a different time zone and don't want to be spoiled about LOST, then don't read me. There. Now you can't complain. STFD.
This is some very shitty pea soup. I'm going to kill the waiter.
Going clothes shopping at the Gap with Maddy after this. I'm buying her everything in the store. She doesn't know it. Happy Birthday, baby!
@STINGYBee I would give up everything I've ever owned for her.
Maddy runs around #GapKids, asking 'Can I get this?' 'What about these?' I say 'Maybe,' 'I don't know.' The store associate tallies all.
Maddy: Grampa, I dunno which color of this shirt I like best http://is.gd/7AnHN Me: You can put all 4at the register & decide later
Me: Maddy, you should grab some socks to go with those galoshes. And some bootcut jeans to go beneath them. I dunno what kind works best.
No, her parents don't know I've taken her shopping. They think we went to a movie. Yeah right, like I'd pay $20 to nap in public.
'MADDY! MADDY, WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?! This is for you. Yes I'm sure. Wear it tomorrow. No, nobody will pick on you.' http://is.gd/7ArlI
So Maddy, what do you want? Oh you want that? You want that dress? Ok. Those jeans. Okay. What about those ones. You want those ones too?
Why not add that jacket? That PARKAH? THOSE SHOES? THE WHOLE STORE?
u90459#deu!t&t Hard to update, Maddy knocked me down with hugs/kisses at the register. What's that? No, I don't need a #gapcard. I have one.
@IsabelaLaurence maddy's very conscientious and almost shy about asking for stuff.
Maddy and I are home. She's sleeping. I'm settling down with my John Mayer Brand Old Man Drinks so I can fully enjoy 'LOST'
Seriously, how is #LOST not trending now? I'm disappointed in all of you.
@GKie Good, I hate being an angry old man.
Yeah, I would kick Jack in the head too. What a fuck stick. He's like one of my ex-wives' new husbands.
@ShenaniganJenn Your ability to complain about John Mayer is greatly diminished when you openly admit to watching American Idol.
Oh look, a bad idea at 4 o'clock #LOST
Sorry you had to see me like that. Interesting, I say that to my wife every morning as an apology for the previous night.
Really glad I was an old dirty bastard ® the other night and watched the first hour of #LOST or else well no, I'd still be just as fucked up
Whenever Sawyer looks at Jack, this is all I see: http://is.gd/7AIht
I'm #justsayin, if someone loses my dead body, I'm coming back from the dead, locating myself and murdering everyone in sight.
@Pixolita Whassup with all this sexual chocolate coming my old man way? I should sell John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate.
John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate. Available exclusively at Walgreen's.
@VannyDel John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate is the generic.
@VannyDel I'm so happy to hear about this.
@ShenaniganJenn it's a unisex product.
Is Miles fucking the ground?
@caitinlv John Mayer Brand Old Man Sexual Chocolate
Isn't this where they saved Ben? I always liked that name. If I ever have more kids. Wait, what? God dammit.
I don't know, I think that'll do any day of the week. RT @SugarPlumKelly: @RonVMyers Oooops! I wasn't even close.
The sheer amount of times Jack gets pwned in this episode gives me pleasure. Thank you ABC. You've set the bar so high #LOST
I love my saucy blonde bitches. Thank you, Lost.
@meeshell78 cherry wheat beer. Good stuff. saved me last week.
yeah, fLocke? Now you know how I feel about my family on any given day.
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
Uriel Jones looked a lot like Samuel L Jackson. Way to go Grammys for making me think that Jackson died this year AND that he was a musician
@circusizedpnuts I can't remember who you are or why I'm following you but you are delightful.
Yes, we're both in that club that meets every Tuesday The Big Penis Club RT @circusizedpnuts: @JohnMayerAsASim I'm also hung like a Rhino.
Yes, always has. More so salt than pepper these days, though. One day, it was oregano and I was confused @circusizedpnuts
I'm in the livingroom and mine are still in the bathroom @circusizedpnuts @bearheadedgirl
Don't listen to her, @circusizedpnuts. @bearheadedgirl's jumbo yummies are fluffy and fun and stacked. My favorite kind.
Quite the opposite, @circusizedpnuts I try to keep things toned. I work out fifteen minutes a day.
@circusizedpnuts It's very clear that you and I should have a Las Vegas show.
@circusizedpnuts I've met him once. He wrote 'Danke Schoen' about my giving him one of my ex-wives.
@circusizedpnuts it only counts if they succeeded
@johncmayer That sounds great, Jack Donaghy!
@circusizedpnuts Make sure it's gold. I patented it back in the day. 24 carats. Polish one out for the extra shine.
Today is Maddy's birthday. She turns another year cuter!
I miss Fred Gwynne. We used to golf and drink together.
http://twitpic.com/10yn7b - Photos from Maddy's birthday party and others!
http://twitpic.com/10yo1z - Pics from Maddy's birthday. And others. I mean it this time!
This is the reason my family hates me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmkqFoExHMA
@MCSafetyScissor i'll be in after my late night John Mayer Brand Old Man shower
@VannyDel I'm going to toss out all my Viagra and just listen to you speak from now on before getting into bed. My wife will be pleased.
@VannyDel I just came. Time to take my john mayer brand old man shower and pass out for the night.
@circusizedpnuts I can't remember who you are or why I'm following you but you are delightful.
Yes, we're both in that club that meets every Tuesday The Big Penis Club RT @circusizedpnuts: @JohnMayerAsASim I'm also hung like a Rhino.
Yes, always has. More so salt than pepper these days, though. One day, it was oregano and I was confused @circusizedpnuts
I'm in the livingroom and mine are still in the bathroom @circusizedpnuts @bearheadedgirl
Don't listen to her, @circusizedpnuts. @bearheadedgirl's jumbo yummies are fluffy and fun and stacked. My favorite kind.
Quite the opposite, @circusizedpnuts I try to keep things toned. I work out fifteen minutes a day.
@circusizedpnuts It's very clear that you and I should have a Las Vegas show.
@circusizedpnuts I've met him once. He wrote 'Danke Schoen' about my giving him one of my ex-wives.
@circusizedpnuts it only counts if they succeeded
@johncmayer That sounds great, Jack Donaghy!
@circusizedpnuts Make sure it's gold. I patented it back in the day. 24 carats. Polish one out for the extra shine.
Today is Maddy's birthday. She turns another year cuter!
I miss Fred Gwynne. We used to golf and drink together.
http://twitpic.com/10yn7b - Photos from Maddy's birthday party and others!
http://twitpic.com/10yo1z - Pics from Maddy's birthday. And others. I mean it this time!
This is the reason my family hates me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmkqFoExHMA
@MCSafetyScissor i'll be in after my late night John Mayer Brand Old Man shower
@VannyDel I'm going to toss out all my Viagra and just listen to you speak from now on before getting into bed. My wife will be pleased.
@VannyDel I just came. Time to take my john mayer brand old man shower and pass out for the night.
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
I'm in a video chat room where half the women are married. Hello future wives!
Red wine and Viagra, I'm getting stiff again. It's Heartbreak...Oh wait. Not it's not.
@bunnyears Beer was the chaser this evening.
@karenrowena I've seen the filth of your tweets before. I'm simultaneously slightly turned on and very scared...
@meeshell78 Why hello there. I will chase you. Pop some pepto bysmol. I'll be over in a half hour.
Why am I so bad so late at night? I'm not always like this. What is my wife slipping me? I should paper cut her. So confused.
@KarenRowena There is nothing bad about you or what you do
@caitinlv Do you know how long it takes an elderly man like me to get 'she's like the wind' out of his mind? Forever. Thanks.
@caitinlv Oh lady. You know how to sweet talk me. I'll be there in three days.
@caitinlv I'll even show off some of that fancy cane work I've been working on.
@caitinlv Make that six days. I have to go to NYC and smack Kristen Wiig around a bit for being so awful. Then I'll be there.
@yearinla Let's go to NYC and smack Kristin Wiig around. I don't even care enough to spell her name the same way twice.
@yearinla Well then, young lady, you shall be her only defense.
@johncmayer Toyotathon is only what you make of it, young man. Like Christmas and the Bath and Body Works semi-annual sale.
Why do they have dramatizations in a toilet paper commercial? I don't need to see toilet paper shards on a bear's ass.
Where are my questions, children? http://www.formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
Q:Where do you look for downloads for your... A:http://mysims3blog.blogspot.com/ - it ha... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/100715308
Q:What in your opinion caused the crash of... A:Electromagnetic issues with the island i... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/100722312
Look at these late night infomercials thinking they're getting my money. Cash for cotton? How silly.
That was actually me in the hit 80's film 'Coming to America.'
Must invest in more Steve Martin's All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream. However, must remember it does not work on my face.
Yeah, I knew I'd get more followers for mentioning the word 'Penis' in a status update.
One word stories: Prostate
Taint
@KarenRowena Dear Lady: you shouldn't speak so dirty.
Which one of you sent me back to the 80s? They're playing Iko Iko at the Starbucks my family brought me to. I feel like Rain Man.
Definitely gonna kill someone, def-definitely forgot my denture cream, gotta watch porn tonight. Maddy and I are getting out of here. Crazy.
@IsabelaLaurence I don't get to watch a lot of porn these days, too many people in this stupid house with me.
@IsabelaLaurence 3D porn is a sign of the Apocalypse. Run. Never bring this up again. I need to drink more Ensure w/Bailey's.
@cwm76 People should be shot execution style for their illegal use of the ellipses.
@danewhite007 I assure you, I watch porn. I just have to watch it on my John Mayer Brand Old Man Ipod, which is 8x8 inches wide w/subtitles.
Now in stores: the John Mayer Brand Old Man Ipod, 8x8 Inches with Subtitles standard (not optional). So basically, it's a smaller iPad.
Tomorrow I'm going to take Maddy to the playground. If the other kids tease her, I'll buy the playground and fence them out. Charge a cover.
http://twitpic.com/10rzbk - Maddy will fuck your shit up. I swear.
Now taking suggestions for what to accept as a cover charge on the playground for kids who may tease my princess http://twitpic.com/10rzbk
@IsabelaLaurence yep she is and no i don't.
http://twitpic.com/10rzbk - And that's just a Ken Doll. Hopefully she'll remember this when boyfriends piss her off.
@IsabelaLaurence I have 4 children, 1 grandchild. I don't understand the second half of your question.
I can't watch the #grammys with all these screaming family members running around. Why are you using my 23 grammys as spice holders?
Yes, I said it: 23 Grammys.
@IsabelaLaurence why are you telling me this? I do not know her
@IsabelaLaurence Okay, granted. But Beyonce is talented and deserves recognition. She's earned that.
@IsabelaLaurence I completely disagree with you in the case of Beyonce.
@IsabelaLaurence No. It's because Battle Studies came out too late for it to meet the eligibility dates for Grammy Nominations. Google it.
@IsabelaLaurence I'm going to have to block you if you continue to ask me things that you can easily find out on the internet.
@IsabelaLaurence I'm sorry. Something always gets lost in translation.
@jason_mraz so glad you won. You are truly one of the kindest out there! so deserving and amazing!
Why does Mary J. Blige have to cover every song that makes me cry? First U2's 'One' and now 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'?
@caitinlv I want to hire her to sing in my bedroom while my wife and I get it on. What will she sing? DVD installation instructions.
@catdsilver There's something happening in my pajama pants, come quick! Nevermind, it stopped once I looked at Roberta Flack's face.
Red wine and Viagra, I'm getting stiff again. It's Heartbreak...Oh wait. Not it's not.
@bunnyears Beer was the chaser this evening.
@karenrowena I've seen the filth of your tweets before. I'm simultaneously slightly turned on and very scared...
@meeshell78 Why hello there. I will chase you. Pop some pepto bysmol. I'll be over in a half hour.
Why am I so bad so late at night? I'm not always like this. What is my wife slipping me? I should paper cut her. So confused.
@KarenRowena There is nothing bad about you or what you do
@caitinlv Do you know how long it takes an elderly man like me to get 'she's like the wind' out of his mind? Forever. Thanks.
@caitinlv Oh lady. You know how to sweet talk me. I'll be there in three days.
@caitinlv I'll even show off some of that fancy cane work I've been working on.
@caitinlv Make that six days. I have to go to NYC and smack Kristen Wiig around a bit for being so awful. Then I'll be there.
@yearinla Let's go to NYC and smack Kristin Wiig around. I don't even care enough to spell her name the same way twice.
@yearinla Well then, young lady, you shall be her only defense.
@johncmayer Toyotathon is only what you make of it, young man. Like Christmas and the Bath and Body Works semi-annual sale.
Why do they have dramatizations in a toilet paper commercial? I don't need to see toilet paper shards on a bear's ass.
Where are my questions, children? http://www.formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
Q:Where do you look for downloads for your... A:http://mysims3blog.blogspot.com/ - it ha... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/100715308
Q:What in your opinion caused the crash of... A:Electromagnetic issues with the island i... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/100722312
Look at these late night infomercials thinking they're getting my money. Cash for cotton? How silly.
That was actually me in the hit 80's film 'Coming to America.'
Must invest in more Steve Martin's All-Natural Penis Beauty Cream. However, must remember it does not work on my face.
Yeah, I knew I'd get more followers for mentioning the word 'Penis' in a status update.
One word stories: Prostate
Taint
@KarenRowena Dear Lady: you shouldn't speak so dirty.
Which one of you sent me back to the 80s? They're playing Iko Iko at the Starbucks my family brought me to. I feel like Rain Man.
Definitely gonna kill someone, def-definitely forgot my denture cream, gotta watch porn tonight. Maddy and I are getting out of here. Crazy.
@IsabelaLaurence I don't get to watch a lot of porn these days, too many people in this stupid house with me.
@IsabelaLaurence 3D porn is a sign of the Apocalypse. Run. Never bring this up again. I need to drink more Ensure w/Bailey's.
@cwm76 People should be shot execution style for their illegal use of the ellipses.
@danewhite007 I assure you, I watch porn. I just have to watch it on my John Mayer Brand Old Man Ipod, which is 8x8 inches wide w/subtitles.
Now in stores: the John Mayer Brand Old Man Ipod, 8x8 Inches with Subtitles standard (not optional). So basically, it's a smaller iPad.
Tomorrow I'm going to take Maddy to the playground. If the other kids tease her, I'll buy the playground and fence them out. Charge a cover.
http://twitpic.com/10rzbk - Maddy will fuck your shit up. I swear.
Now taking suggestions for what to accept as a cover charge on the playground for kids who may tease my princess http://twitpic.com/10rzbk
@IsabelaLaurence yep she is and no i don't.
http://twitpic.com/10rzbk - And that's just a Ken Doll. Hopefully she'll remember this when boyfriends piss her off.
@IsabelaLaurence I have 4 children, 1 grandchild. I don't understand the second half of your question.
I can't watch the #grammys with all these screaming family members running around. Why are you using my 23 grammys as spice holders?
Yes, I said it: 23 Grammys.
@IsabelaLaurence why are you telling me this? I do not know her
@IsabelaLaurence Okay, granted. But Beyonce is talented and deserves recognition. She's earned that.
@IsabelaLaurence I completely disagree with you in the case of Beyonce.
@IsabelaLaurence No. It's because Battle Studies came out too late for it to meet the eligibility dates for Grammy Nominations. Google it.
@IsabelaLaurence I'm going to have to block you if you continue to ask me things that you can easily find out on the internet.
@IsabelaLaurence I'm sorry. Something always gets lost in translation.
@jason_mraz so glad you won. You are truly one of the kindest out there! so deserving and amazing!
Why does Mary J. Blige have to cover every song that makes me cry? First U2's 'One' and now 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'?
@caitinlv I want to hire her to sing in my bedroom while my wife and I get it on. What will she sing? DVD installation instructions.
@catdsilver There's something happening in my pajama pants, come quick! Nevermind, it stopped once I looked at Roberta Flack's face.
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
@caitinlv i'm coming in cause the sluts in my life have gone to work their corners.
People like me, it may take me 10 minutes to take a piss, but people like me.
@VannyDel Lemme take some viagra. I think I have some feeling left down there.
@VannyDel also, you turn me on because you make the same sounds I do when I wake up in the middle of the night to nudge my wife for sex.
@VannyDel Oh girl, lemme get my cane. I'll be over there in 3 days. I get lost a lot so it could be a while.
@catdsilver You just wait til you get home. These girls on the internets have been turning me on.
@catdsilver I think he's going to buy himself and run away. Good for him. FUcking biker punk thinking he's the Fonz.
@catdsilver You're just like my second wife. Or my first. Just be glad you don't sparkle or else I'd shove you out a window.
@catdsilver Look, I will already be home and waiting naked in bed for you. I cannot promise I will be awake. But the viagra is in me.
@catdsilver So there's hardly a need to speak so dirty to me. Half the work is done for you.
I have the ghost of Richard Marx in a vase in my living room. Bought it on Ebay for a half eaten watermelon. Gets me through the hard times
@caitinlv Why are you awake? Are you, like me, having prostate issues?
@SugarPlumKelly It's not a good morning. I'm tweeting from the bathroom and I have a million Old Man Brand Vitamins to take when I get out.
John Mayer Brand Old Man Vitamins, coming to a store near you!
@IsabelaLaurence What do you mean? Old men can and should always wear cologne! We're very smelly!
@SugarPlumKelly I'm going to make John Mayer Old Man Brand Vitamins very weak and generic so that women can take them too. Candy, basically.
@SugarPlumKelly Oh, and *hugs*
Tuesday night I'll be even more irritating as I'll be livetweeting/spoiling Lost for everybody on every coast everywhere. ENJOYYYYYYYYYYY!
Q:What if the iPad came with Bluetooth? an... A:Then everyone would look like massive to... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/97420321
@cwm76 Any preferred countries?
@bobmaron We all miss you. FYI.
My blood is riled up this evening. Shouldn't have eaten those redhots.
@johncmayer You know, it's not an expose if you open up the fridge and proceed to hear voices because of the stank that comes out of it.
I'm stuck in a zorap with some whores this evening. Wife should be happy. Come on down to zorap.com/sugarplumkelly Bring a Smile to get in.
People like me, it may take me 10 minutes to take a piss, but people like me.
@VannyDel Lemme take some viagra. I think I have some feeling left down there.
@VannyDel also, you turn me on because you make the same sounds I do when I wake up in the middle of the night to nudge my wife for sex.
@VannyDel Oh girl, lemme get my cane. I'll be over there in 3 days. I get lost a lot so it could be a while.
@catdsilver You just wait til you get home. These girls on the internets have been turning me on.
@catdsilver I think he's going to buy himself and run away. Good for him. FUcking biker punk thinking he's the Fonz.
@catdsilver You're just like my second wife. Or my first. Just be glad you don't sparkle or else I'd shove you out a window.
@catdsilver Look, I will already be home and waiting naked in bed for you. I cannot promise I will be awake. But the viagra is in me.
@catdsilver So there's hardly a need to speak so dirty to me. Half the work is done for you.
I have the ghost of Richard Marx in a vase in my living room. Bought it on Ebay for a half eaten watermelon. Gets me through the hard times
@caitinlv Why are you awake? Are you, like me, having prostate issues?
@SugarPlumKelly It's not a good morning. I'm tweeting from the bathroom and I have a million Old Man Brand Vitamins to take when I get out.
John Mayer Brand Old Man Vitamins, coming to a store near you!
@IsabelaLaurence What do you mean? Old men can and should always wear cologne! We're very smelly!
@SugarPlumKelly I'm going to make John Mayer Old Man Brand Vitamins very weak and generic so that women can take them too. Candy, basically.
@SugarPlumKelly Oh, and *hugs*
Tuesday night I'll be even more irritating as I'll be livetweeting/spoiling Lost for everybody on every coast everywhere. ENJOYYYYYYYYYYY!
Q:What if the iPad came with Bluetooth? an... A:Then everyone would look like massive to... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/97420321
@cwm76 Any preferred countries?
@bobmaron We all miss you. FYI.
My blood is riled up this evening. Shouldn't have eaten those redhots.
@johncmayer You know, it's not an expose if you open up the fridge and proceed to hear voices because of the stank that comes out of it.
I'm stuck in a zorap with some whores this evening. Wife should be happy. Come on down to zorap.com/sugarplumkelly Bring a Smile to get in.
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
http://twitpic.com/109bct - I'm not worried. A little flirtation doesn't hurt.
@danewhite007 as a result, here's a family portrait: http://twitpic.com/109bct
Wanna see a family portrait of two people not in my will? Here you go: http://twitpic.com/109bct
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - Spending time with Maddy is my favorite thing.
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - I mean, she's adorable but very smelly. I'm not her dad so I don't have to bathe her.
I would be a great audience member for the State of the Union Address. I'm an old white man and I slept through it.
Where are my young whores? @bearheadedgirl I really want you to take off your top while I drink my Ensure and Baileys tonight. Still got it.
@bearheadedgirl I know why you're declining me. None of my women have ever been included in the will...
Though none of my ex-wives/past loves have been in the will, I've set up a charity for them. It's supposed to take the place of my alimony.
@bearheadedgirl HEY! I'll be whatever I wanna do!
Effing kids need to get off my lawn.
Oh what's this? Someone has written fanfiction about me? I wonder if I know these people or if they're writing it about my younger days...
I don't think SNL would allow me to host at my advanced age. It would just be me yelling at Kristin Wiig to shut the fuck up for 72 minutes.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be funny. I'm just saying, wait what? Oh yeah. I hate Kristin Wiig. And the next week they'd get her to spoof me.
Oh look @johncmayer storytellers is trending right now. What a paradox this is for me.
@Vanessa_Rose I dig your haircut. One of my exwives had it. I think her name's Consuela Bananahammock. I'm not sure anymore. Ask @caitinlv.
@Vanessa_Rose That's a lot of names and I, for one, am too old to remember that shit. I shall call her Flo.
@cwm76 then it's his problem. Or you can avoid all this by sleeping on quilted paper towels.
@caitinlv Where is our nightly zorap? i'm feeling very antsy as there are babies crying everywhere. And by babies I mean Walls and my wife
@caitinlv Is it still airing over there? wtf
@Benjamin__Linus which flavor/style and is it low-cal? I really shouldn't be eating this late at night. I'll be awake with prostate issues.
The wife slipped me a mickey and I'm passing out. How many times do I have to tell you, @catdsilver? Can't rape the willing.
Maddy ran into the bedroom this morning screaming, 'POOPIES, POOPIES, POOPIES!' Little girl's a psychic: I was getting up to do just that.
I'm Bored and everyone's at work/preschool/the corner earning their keep. Ask me something http://formspring.me/johnmayerasasim
I don't understand soap operas. Maybe because my life is eerily similar to one.
You crazy weatherman! I'm not going to freeze my tiny balls off to see Mars tonight!
@Benjamin__Linus While we're on the subject of Island Health Care Reform, why didn't the Island fix your vision problems. No more glasses.
@Benjamin__Linus Then it's clear that those people should be made to pay for it. Oh wait, they kind of are paying for it.
Q:What invention from back to the future II do you wish existed today?... A:Hoverboards! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481818
Q:Do you ever talk to strangers in bars or do you usually ... A:I love talking to strangers! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481827
Q:Do you want a big wedding or would you rather... A:Elope, come back and have a huge party. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481833
Q:What would you say to John Mayer if you met him? ... A:Thank you http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481838
So less people are tweeting at me now that I'm talking so candidly. I'm offended. Maybe if I offered to put some of you in the will...
Who the fuck bought gummy bears? I wear dentures. This is torture!
I'll get them back by eating all of them and leaving my dentures in empty bag as a warning to the rest of them. Do not cross me.
@VannyDel this is why I've hired my wife to shoot me up with a caffeine IV three times a week. I figured she could use the extra pay.
Picture an old man eating gummy worms and that's what I look like eating gummy worms. Go figure.
Great. @catdsilver is yelling me that the gummy worms are going to raise my blood sugar. I don't care. I'll just drink myself to sleep.
@caitinlv Why not! I won't have to clean up the mess it'll make out of my dentures. I'll blame it on Belvedere or Kyla or Justin. Whatever.
@caitinlv Bastard child looks like Bobby HIll. @catdsilver and I want to sell him.
I've just been set fire to.
http://twitpic.com/10ev8o - I never wanted these nudes to get out.
Yeah, you all thought I was kidding. Thanks for the concern! http://twitpic.com/10ev8o
Watching Kill Bill 2 for the 8 millionth time. I just realized I should tell my kids that I killed their mother. My reasoning in next tweett
I mean, clearly, BB & Bill's daughter will turn out JUST FINE, with NO emotional scarring. She won't seek dysfunctional relationships w/men.
And there sure as hell won't be a 3rd generation of Club Daughters, with her at the helm as a pure bred Ninja Assassin, to look forward to.
So let me go get Maddy and tell her why her mother is no longer around...
@danewhite007 as a result, here's a family portrait: http://twitpic.com/109bct
Wanna see a family portrait of two people not in my will? Here you go: http://twitpic.com/109bct
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - Spending time with Maddy is my favorite thing.
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - I mean, she's adorable but very smelly. I'm not her dad so I don't have to bathe her.
I would be a great audience member for the State of the Union Address. I'm an old white man and I slept through it.
Where are my young whores? @bearheadedgirl I really want you to take off your top while I drink my Ensure and Baileys tonight. Still got it.
@bearheadedgirl I know why you're declining me. None of my women have ever been included in the will...
Though none of my ex-wives/past loves have been in the will, I've set up a charity for them. It's supposed to take the place of my alimony.
@bearheadedgirl HEY! I'll be whatever I wanna do!
Effing kids need to get off my lawn.
Oh what's this? Someone has written fanfiction about me? I wonder if I know these people or if they're writing it about my younger days...
I don't think SNL would allow me to host at my advanced age. It would just be me yelling at Kristin Wiig to shut the fuck up for 72 minutes.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be funny. I'm just saying, wait what? Oh yeah. I hate Kristin Wiig. And the next week they'd get her to spoof me.
Oh look @johncmayer storytellers is trending right now. What a paradox this is for me.
@Vanessa_Rose I dig your haircut. One of my exwives had it. I think her name's Consuela Bananahammock. I'm not sure anymore. Ask @caitinlv.
@Vanessa_Rose That's a lot of names and I, for one, am too old to remember that shit. I shall call her Flo.
@cwm76 then it's his problem. Or you can avoid all this by sleeping on quilted paper towels.
@caitinlv Where is our nightly zorap? i'm feeling very antsy as there are babies crying everywhere. And by babies I mean Walls and my wife
@caitinlv Is it still airing over there? wtf
@Benjamin__Linus which flavor/style and is it low-cal? I really shouldn't be eating this late at night. I'll be awake with prostate issues.
The wife slipped me a mickey and I'm passing out. How many times do I have to tell you, @catdsilver? Can't rape the willing.
Maddy ran into the bedroom this morning screaming, 'POOPIES, POOPIES, POOPIES!' Little girl's a psychic: I was getting up to do just that.
I'm Bored and everyone's at work/preschool/the corner earning their keep. Ask me something http://formspring.me/johnmayerasasim
I don't understand soap operas. Maybe because my life is eerily similar to one.
You crazy weatherman! I'm not going to freeze my tiny balls off to see Mars tonight!
@Benjamin__Linus While we're on the subject of Island Health Care Reform, why didn't the Island fix your vision problems. No more glasses.
@Benjamin__Linus Then it's clear that those people should be made to pay for it. Oh wait, they kind of are paying for it.
Q:What invention from back to the future II do you wish existed today?... A:Hoverboards! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481818
Q:Do you ever talk to strangers in bars or do you usually ... A:I love talking to strangers! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481827
Q:Do you want a big wedding or would you rather... A:Elope, come back and have a huge party. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481833
Q:What would you say to John Mayer if you met him? ... A:Thank you http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481838
So less people are tweeting at me now that I'm talking so candidly. I'm offended. Maybe if I offered to put some of you in the will...
Who the fuck bought gummy bears? I wear dentures. This is torture!
I'll get them back by eating all of them and leaving my dentures in empty bag as a warning to the rest of them. Do not cross me.
@VannyDel this is why I've hired my wife to shoot me up with a caffeine IV three times a week. I figured she could use the extra pay.
Picture an old man eating gummy worms and that's what I look like eating gummy worms. Go figure.
Great. @catdsilver is yelling me that the gummy worms are going to raise my blood sugar. I don't care. I'll just drink myself to sleep.
@caitinlv Why not! I won't have to clean up the mess it'll make out of my dentures. I'll blame it on Belvedere or Kyla or Justin. Whatever.
@caitinlv Bastard child looks like Bobby HIll. @catdsilver and I want to sell him.
I've just been set fire to.
http://twitpic.com/10ev8o - I never wanted these nudes to get out.
Yeah, you all thought I was kidding. Thanks for the concern! http://twitpic.com/10ev8o
Watching Kill Bill 2 for the 8 millionth time. I just realized I should tell my kids that I killed their mother. My reasoning in next tweett
I mean, clearly, BB & Bill's daughter will turn out JUST FINE, with NO emotional scarring. She won't seek dysfunctional relationships w/men.
And there sure as hell won't be a 3rd generation of Club Daughters, with her at the helm as a pure bred Ninja Assassin, to look forward to.
So let me go get Maddy and tell her why her mother is no longer around...
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
@Jason_Pollock I remember reading 'A People's History...' in 11th Grade AP History. It was an eye opener.
I've just taken a few benadryl. My answers should be interesting. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
The whole Obama=Hitler thing always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Those who use it forget he killed people and then cowardly shot himself.
Q:Wanna come see the top secret Battle stu... A:That would be amazing actually. Lemme br... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88534015
Q:Would your life be better if you spoke s... A:My life would be different. I used to be... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88539381
Q:Is it alright if I say you have lovely e... A:That's really sweet of you. Which song ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88545398
Q:What movies are you looking forward to s... A:'I love you Phillip Morris' is one that ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88557195
Q:Do you respect a man who eats a salad fo... A:Yeah it's just lunch! Look at all that ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88561303
Q:Do you believe that the world really wil... A:I think the world will eventually end at... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/89542778
Q:And one last question: Are you prepared ... A:I don't want or need an iPad. With my r... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/89619021
@VannyDel @richgates Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas (courtesy @johncleese)
@VannyDel - @johncleese's voice can turn me on in any situation, no matter what, where or who I'm with.
CASHEWS!
Better than any sort of @johncmayer fanfiction I've ever read - http://community.livejournal.com/j_mayer_fans/487954.html
@johncmayer like 'life could be a dream, sweetheart'? shaboom?
@caitinlv you basically did lose the fight since you stopped typing in caps.
@Benjamin__Linus She'd better be, she was warned at such a young age and was even given a snazzy NKOTB lunchbox for it. Bitch better behave!
@caitinlv then you lose the game
@caitinlv but i still love you and consider you my second wife, the one who ran around in her underwear and who i never understood.
@caitinlv i refer to her as consuela bananahammock!
@ellebees oh...
@caitinlv YOU ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME!
@caitinlv And before you go thinking I'm racist, I'm not. I'm just hella old. My eyes don't see so well.
http://twitpic.com/xvgr4 - @caitinlv I mean really, does this look like a man who can see well or at all? No. No it does not. Young @johncma
http://twitpic.com/h1u5w - In honor of #Lost returning next Tuesday, an old strip...
http://twitpic.com/h1u5w - What's worse is that Elderly John bought Kyla season 5 on DVD. Then spoiled it for her. How very @Benjamin__Linus
@ellebees sometimes I think he comes up with really impossible ones just to see if I can create a strip. Then I stop and drink more beer.
@ellebees One day @johncmayer & I'll talk about the strips and he'll say he was disappointed I didn't spend more time making ones on poop.
@ellebees It's like when a director wants to change something on a good script - "Listen kid, we really like it, but we want full frontal.'
So they still do Storytellers. What is this, 1994?
@Benjamin__Linus I am fully behind that idea.
There's a girl in the audience doing kind of a running motion during 'No Such Thing.' I didn't notice it until @Johncmayer sang 'run'...
Dear aforementioned girl, I see what you did there. Three months ago. Stop it. Love always, John Mayer, as a Sim.
If I meet one more beautiful girl with daddy issues...
@ellebees I think so, I have to see it again...
@ellebees i'm on the lookout. she seems like someone who would dance full out during daughters. i had to stop and start this over
@ellebees just got home.
@ellebees where is the striped dress girl sitting?
@ellebees cause they just panned through. the one who annoyed me sits in the center group of seats, i think?
Since I'm 30 minutes behind everybody, does he play Comfortable?
HAHAHAHAHA! THere's a guy standing up in the front row who's all 'Oh, yeah, I guess John's attractive. If you're into that.'
@ellebees so not center?
Thank you fathers for fixing our girls
@ellebees yeah, with walkways...
they read books and they don't get dirty looks.
@ellebees it bothers but doesn't shock me that there are more than one annoying girl in that audience.
@yearinla that's fucking disappointing considering he played it that night.
RECYCLOPS DESTROY!!!!!!!!
Dear Sudafed (12 hour version), I beg of you to never leave me again. If you marry me, we'll have a happy existence. My dowry is my nose.
@cwm76 Is there a trigger phrase to make it splash down like 'I don't know' on 'You Can't Do That On Television!"
Q:So, as you suggested, what are your tho... A:Okay, so it goes down like this: In 2012... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/91353816
Q:And I agree with you about this new release of Steve Jobs. It... A:This is not a question. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/91355999
Dear Jon Hamm - thanks for shaving that thing off your face. Now I can ovulate again.
Anyone watching Project Runway? Ping's like that lady you get stuck behind at the supermarket who doesn't know what she wants.
I'm really digging my new avatar.
@MCSafetyScissor That's because the internets frighten me.
For one week, I'm going to respond only as Elderly John Mayer as a Sim. No interjections from @sallyblock. Starting now.
Oh, and that includes tweeting.
I've met Pure Via. It's tried to kill me! Fuck Pure Via.
What flavor Ensure should I have this evening? Better question: why am I up so late?
I should just make sure that my latest wife @catdsilver hasn't tempered with it. Not like she's in the will anyway.
I've just taken a few benadryl. My answers should be interesting. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
The whole Obama=Hitler thing always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Those who use it forget he killed people and then cowardly shot himself.
Q:Wanna come see the top secret Battle stu... A:That would be amazing actually. Lemme br... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88534015
Q:Would your life be better if you spoke s... A:My life would be different. I used to be... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88539381
Q:Is it alright if I say you have lovely e... A:That's really sweet of you. Which song ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88545398
Q:What movies are you looking forward to s... A:'I love you Phillip Morris' is one that ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88557195
Q:Do you respect a man who eats a salad fo... A:Yeah it's just lunch! Look at all that ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88561303
Q:Do you believe that the world really wil... A:I think the world will eventually end at... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/89542778
Q:And one last question: Are you prepared ... A:I don't want or need an iPad. With my r... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/89619021
@VannyDel @richgates Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas (courtesy @johncleese)
@VannyDel - @johncleese's voice can turn me on in any situation, no matter what, where or who I'm with.
CASHEWS!
Better than any sort of @johncmayer fanfiction I've ever read - http://community.livejournal.com/j_mayer_fans/487954.html
@johncmayer like 'life could be a dream, sweetheart'? shaboom?
@caitinlv you basically did lose the fight since you stopped typing in caps.
@Benjamin__Linus She'd better be, she was warned at such a young age and was even given a snazzy NKOTB lunchbox for it. Bitch better behave!
@caitinlv then you lose the game
@caitinlv but i still love you and consider you my second wife, the one who ran around in her underwear and who i never understood.
@caitinlv i refer to her as consuela bananahammock!
@ellebees oh...
@caitinlv YOU ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME!
@caitinlv And before you go thinking I'm racist, I'm not. I'm just hella old. My eyes don't see so well.
http://twitpic.com/xvgr4 - @caitinlv I mean really, does this look like a man who can see well or at all? No. No it does not. Young @johncma
http://twitpic.com/h1u5w - In honor of #Lost returning next Tuesday, an old strip...
http://twitpic.com/h1u5w - What's worse is that Elderly John bought Kyla season 5 on DVD. Then spoiled it for her. How very @Benjamin__Linus
@ellebees sometimes I think he comes up with really impossible ones just to see if I can create a strip. Then I stop and drink more beer.
@ellebees One day @johncmayer & I'll talk about the strips and he'll say he was disappointed I didn't spend more time making ones on poop.
@ellebees It's like when a director wants to change something on a good script - "Listen kid, we really like it, but we want full frontal.'
So they still do Storytellers. What is this, 1994?
@Benjamin__Linus I am fully behind that idea.
There's a girl in the audience doing kind of a running motion during 'No Such Thing.' I didn't notice it until @Johncmayer sang 'run'...
Dear aforementioned girl, I see what you did there. Three months ago. Stop it. Love always, John Mayer, as a Sim.
If I meet one more beautiful girl with daddy issues...
@ellebees I think so, I have to see it again...
@ellebees i'm on the lookout. she seems like someone who would dance full out during daughters. i had to stop and start this over
@ellebees just got home.
@ellebees where is the striped dress girl sitting?
@ellebees cause they just panned through. the one who annoyed me sits in the center group of seats, i think?
Since I'm 30 minutes behind everybody, does he play Comfortable?
HAHAHAHAHA! THere's a guy standing up in the front row who's all 'Oh, yeah, I guess John's attractive. If you're into that.'
@ellebees so not center?
Thank you fathers for fixing our girls
@ellebees yeah, with walkways...
they read books and they don't get dirty looks.
@ellebees it bothers but doesn't shock me that there are more than one annoying girl in that audience.
@yearinla that's fucking disappointing considering he played it that night.
RECYCLOPS DESTROY!!!!!!!!
Dear Sudafed (12 hour version), I beg of you to never leave me again. If you marry me, we'll have a happy existence. My dowry is my nose.
@cwm76 Is there a trigger phrase to make it splash down like 'I don't know' on 'You Can't Do That On Television!"
Q:So, as you suggested, what are your tho... A:Okay, so it goes down like this: In 2012... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/91353816
Q:And I agree with you about this new release of Steve Jobs. It... A:This is not a question. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/91355999
Dear Jon Hamm - thanks for shaving that thing off your face. Now I can ovulate again.
Anyone watching Project Runway? Ping's like that lady you get stuck behind at the supermarket who doesn't know what she wants.
I'm really digging my new avatar.
@MCSafetyScissor That's because the internets frighten me.
For one week, I'm going to respond only as Elderly John Mayer as a Sim. No interjections from @sallyblock. Starting now.
Oh, and that includes tweeting.
I've met Pure Via. It's tried to kill me! Fuck Pure Via.
What flavor Ensure should I have this evening? Better question: why am I up so late?
I should just make sure that my latest wife @catdsilver hasn't tempered with it. Not like she's in the will anyway.
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
@MCSafetyScissor you got to go to the crossroads thing? awesome!
Thanks ipod, for not sending me any notifications that I was 4 days behind all of my Words With Friends games.
SO if you'd like to play with me on Words with Friends, my name is SMB120.
@richgates oh STFU, my dear
@richgates well listen up my beastly...
I actually am pretty terrible at talking dirty. I just can't...
@ShenaniganJenn how do you get super nude? does this involve shaving your scalp.
@richgates that makes sense. i would get used to it.
@ShenaniganJenn Better watch your mouth. It's shit like that which gets me in trouble in Brazil.
@ShenaniganJenn i have several names. I'm kind of scared that this is more than a possibility.
Babies are NOT found inside someone's stomach. If they were, you'd be shitting out babies and men could give birth. #teenmom #fail
@Benjamin__Linus I would follow you into the ocean. I believe you have a lot of good things coming to you. You've worked for it.
@Benjamin__Linus don't bother, just bring me.
@Benjamin__Linus I will be #teamlinus and I ask my followers, what about you? WHAT ABOUT YOU, INDEED!
A video on the official iPad - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFNQE_TzQNI
@Benjamin__Linus I'd ask you to follow me but I know you would never lower yourself to follow anybody.
finally feeling better...headwise.
In bed downloading shit for the Sims. I'd ask you to make a donation but given the Haiti situation, it'd feel selfish.
@TheSims3 my title name's great granddaughter Maddie.
@VannyDel i was a virgin for you!
my stomach is completely conflicted as to what to have for dinner
@Nick_Sydney that's turrible :)
@richgates naw, i don't have pancake mix
@IsabelaLaurence i hope so, cause i live alone
@Benjamin__Linus Don't worry about that, that guy's an ass. I never liked him. I don't think he's human #teamlinus
@richgates naw, cleveland brown
Look at what you did #Coco! You went out so big, you caused childbirth http://is.gd/7bIWV
So far 2010 has taken that short lady from Poltergeist/Teen Witch and Historian Howard Zinn. But fat asshole Rush Limbaugh lives on? No.
Oh, is that booing I hear? You don't like the words he's spewing? Now you know what it was like to be a Democrat between 2001-2008. #SOTU
One is sitting on her ass making Sim comics out of her favorite musician #SOTU
I love that Obama is calling everyone out for being a Mean Girl. He is so Tim Meadows #SOTU #meangirls
Them's some pissed off military folk...#sotu
Thanks ipod, for not sending me any notifications that I was 4 days behind all of my Words With Friends games.
SO if you'd like to play with me on Words with Friends, my name is SMB120.
@richgates oh STFU, my dear
@richgates well listen up my beastly...
I actually am pretty terrible at talking dirty. I just can't...
@ShenaniganJenn how do you get super nude? does this involve shaving your scalp.
@richgates that makes sense. i would get used to it.
@ShenaniganJenn Better watch your mouth. It's shit like that which gets me in trouble in Brazil.
@ShenaniganJenn i have several names. I'm kind of scared that this is more than a possibility.
Babies are NOT found inside someone's stomach. If they were, you'd be shitting out babies and men could give birth. #teenmom #fail
@Benjamin__Linus I would follow you into the ocean. I believe you have a lot of good things coming to you. You've worked for it.
@Benjamin__Linus don't bother, just bring me.
@Benjamin__Linus I will be #teamlinus and I ask my followers, what about you? WHAT ABOUT YOU, INDEED!
A video on the official iPad - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFNQE_TzQNI
@Benjamin__Linus I'd ask you to follow me but I know you would never lower yourself to follow anybody.
finally feeling better...headwise.
In bed downloading shit for the Sims. I'd ask you to make a donation but given the Haiti situation, it'd feel selfish.
@TheSims3 my title name's great granddaughter Maddie.
@VannyDel i was a virgin for you!
my stomach is completely conflicted as to what to have for dinner
@Nick_Sydney that's turrible :)
@richgates naw, i don't have pancake mix
@IsabelaLaurence i hope so, cause i live alone
@Benjamin__Linus Don't worry about that, that guy's an ass. I never liked him. I don't think he's human #teamlinus
@richgates naw, cleveland brown
Look at what you did #Coco! You went out so big, you caused childbirth http://is.gd/7bIWV
So far 2010 has taken that short lady from Poltergeist/Teen Witch and Historian Howard Zinn. But fat asshole Rush Limbaugh lives on? No.
Oh, is that booing I hear? You don't like the words he's spewing? Now you know what it was like to be a Democrat between 2001-2008. #SOTU
One is sitting on her ass making Sim comics out of her favorite musician #SOTU
I love that Obama is calling everyone out for being a Mean Girl. He is so Tim Meadows #SOTU #meangirls
Them's some pissed off military folk...#sotu
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
More @johncmayer fanfiction and illegal use of the Ellipsis at 12:00
@MCSafetyScissor You see what's wrong with that? The reader is missing what happens in the ellipsis. Though it's not much, in this case :)
What's wrong with me that I read 'drastically' as 'dramastically?' No this is not related to any shitty @johncmayer fanfiction. However...
@wenyeelo I wasn't but given that I have 4 leftover Sam Adams from my birthday party, I pretty much have to.
I now wonder if with all the talk in the twitterverse, has @johncmayer gone in search of his own fanfiction?
Today's song: Mercenary Boys "Oh No You Didn't!" ♫ http://twt.fm/367419
More like, TROY YES! RT @KevinMarshall: It's my birthday so I'm walking around with no shirt on. TROY WHAT
A huge shout out to my fellow LOST fans. A great LOST video courtesy of my old friends @thefinebros. Watch it, WATCH IT! http://is.gd/76ZBs
@wenyeelo Thank you! :) My birthday is always on inauguration day and I'm glad it wasn't spoiled by Pres. coverage of some sort this year!
Last season's season finale of #LOST will be repeating at 9. Get ready for me to repeat almost everything I tweeted 9 months or so ago.
Hate Jacob? Want to kill Jacob? Then why don't you fucking do it? Nobody said you had to wait almost 150 years #Lost
@conormichael hold that fucker's head under water for 10 minutes. Jacob was clearly the weaker of the two, at least physically, also (cont)
@conormichael I really cannot wait for the meltdown/breakdown that Ben has when he realizes wtf he's done :)
So if Jacob's dead, and Richard said that he's ageless because of him, will Richard wither away before our eyes? Save the mascara! #lost
What about you? Yeah, you just don't say that to Ben Linus. He'll fuck your shit up. #lost
@MCSafetyScissor You see what's wrong with that? The reader is missing what happens in the ellipsis. Though it's not much, in this case :)
What's wrong with me that I read 'drastically' as 'dramastically?' No this is not related to any shitty @johncmayer fanfiction. However...
@wenyeelo I wasn't but given that I have 4 leftover Sam Adams from my birthday party, I pretty much have to.
I now wonder if with all the talk in the twitterverse, has @johncmayer gone in search of his own fanfiction?
Today's song: Mercenary Boys "Oh No You Didn't!" ♫ http://twt.fm/367419
More like, TROY YES! RT @KevinMarshall: It's my birthday so I'm walking around with no shirt on. TROY WHAT
A huge shout out to my fellow LOST fans. A great LOST video courtesy of my old friends @thefinebros. Watch it, WATCH IT! http://is.gd/76ZBs
@wenyeelo Thank you! :) My birthday is always on inauguration day and I'm glad it wasn't spoiled by Pres. coverage of some sort this year!
Last season's season finale of #LOST will be repeating at 9. Get ready for me to repeat almost everything I tweeted 9 months or so ago.
Hate Jacob? Want to kill Jacob? Then why don't you fucking do it? Nobody said you had to wait almost 150 years #Lost
@conormichael hold that fucker's head under water for 10 minutes. Jacob was clearly the weaker of the two, at least physically, also (cont)
@conormichael I really cannot wait for the meltdown/breakdown that Ben has when he realizes wtf he's done :)
So if Jacob's dead, and Richard said that he's ageless because of him, will Richard wither away before our eyes? Save the mascara! #lost
What about you? Yeah, you just don't say that to Ben Linus. He'll fuck your shit up. #lost
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
JFC, god forbid you say something bad about @johncmayer on ONTD. His resident stalker chans come out to defend him.
@VannyDel ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com
@VannyDel Great gossip site, but the Mayer posts are typically re-worded/exact copy pastas from TryJM.
@ellebees it's fine that you did. Next time, view it first on TryJM :)
@ellebees yeppers
@VannyDel ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com
@VannyDel Great gossip site, but the Mayer posts are typically re-worded/exact copy pastas from TryJM.
@ellebees it's fine that you did. Next time, view it first on TryJM :)
@ellebees yeppers
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
Bonjour #peewee! #conan
The fight got so bad that the giraffe had to call his attorney, Optimus Prime.
YOU HEARD #CONAN! LET'S HAVE FUN ON TELEVISION!
Total price tag for this bit? 4.8 million dollars: I love nothing more than a horse watching restricted NFL footage. #conanobrien
Tomorrow, and this is just a thought, Conan and each guest should sing along to an original recording of the Beatles
Shit, I think I've taken the Barry Manilow diet - he just forgets to eat.
@cwm76 No, just take the cartridge out and blow on it.
@VannyDel they sell keyboard condoms for that
@VannyDel if not, saranwrap it.
http://twitpic.com/z90ou - Oh hai thar, @johncmayer
http://twitpic.com/z90ze - thank you so much @ExoticMoonFlwer
@conormichael I love Kurt Halsey!
@bearheadedgirl I wish everybody knew about kurt halsey. He's an amazing, incredibly unique artist :)
@IsabelaLaurence The woman in those pictures is me.
@IsabelaLaurence in short, sheer brilliance and honesty
The fight got so bad that the giraffe had to call his attorney, Optimus Prime.
YOU HEARD #CONAN! LET'S HAVE FUN ON TELEVISION!
Total price tag for this bit? 4.8 million dollars: I love nothing more than a horse watching restricted NFL footage. #conanobrien
Tomorrow, and this is just a thought, Conan and each guest should sing along to an original recording of the Beatles
Shit, I think I've taken the Barry Manilow diet - he just forgets to eat.
@cwm76 No, just take the cartridge out and blow on it.
@VannyDel they sell keyboard condoms for that
@VannyDel if not, saranwrap it.
http://twitpic.com/z90ou - Oh hai thar, @johncmayer
http://twitpic.com/z90ze - thank you so much @ExoticMoonFlwer
@conormichael I love Kurt Halsey!
@bearheadedgirl I wish everybody knew about kurt halsey. He's an amazing, incredibly unique artist :)
@IsabelaLaurence The woman in those pictures is me.
@IsabelaLaurence in short, sheer brilliance and honesty
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
@MeganRabren Reading is hella lame
@johncmayer That'd be good advice if the Howard Stern show still aired on E!
http://twitpic.com/sd2eo - Mon amour Brady, please return. It would make my birthday wish come true! My heart breaks for you. Love always
RT @twtfm: RT this and win an iPod Touch, Join MyLikes to win a Macbook Pro http://lx.im/4wbH #ad
Hey @johncmayer - reading the RS interview...Great shoutout to @bobmaron!
@johncmayer That'd be good advice if the Howard Stern show still aired on E!
http://twitpic.com/sd2eo - Mon amour Brady, please return. It would make my birthday wish come true! My heart breaks for you. Love always
RT @twtfm: RT this and win an iPod Touch, Join MyLikes to win a Macbook Pro http://lx.im/4wbH #ad
Hey @johncmayer - reading the RS interview...Great shoutout to @bobmaron!
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
Q:Anything you'd like to get off your chest? A:I'm really digging my body lately. It's t... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/58424769
On this birthday, I'd like to thank my Mayer girls and boys for making the latter half of 2009 the wonderful time it was!
This includes @onlybymoonlight @_drina @bearheadedgirl @meeshell78 @caitinlv @SugarPlumKelly @VannyDel @MCSafetyScissor @Cheekiemunkey
And of course, @bobmaron and @johncmayer.
@KarenRowena thank you!
@SugarPlumKelly *hugs*
@bearheadedgirl i heart you and with any luck and a great tax return, i look forward to more concert tittays with you
@caitinlv seriously, let's hope for a great tax return :)
@ShenaniganJenn for my birthday, you should pole dance to 'Your Body is a Wonderland.'
Now Listening: "The Air that I breathe" - Hollies
@ShenaniganJenn you make my heart sing!
@shenaniganjenn http://twitpic.com/yzze0 - The fact that you have this cd...
@shenaniganjenn http://twitpic.com/yzze0 - And it's 'One mile to every inch of...'
Yay, Mel from Flight of the Conchords is on 'Modern Family'
@VannyDel Because it's been watching a LOT of KellyShoes videos.
It's my birthday. Ask me anything - http://www.formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
@ericaszk Danke!
@johncmayer come on into zorap and wish me a happy birthday. zorap.com/mcsafetyscissor must be sober to get in.
On this birthday, I'd like to thank my Mayer girls and boys for making the latter half of 2009 the wonderful time it was!
This includes @onlybymoonlight @_drina @bearheadedgirl @meeshell78 @caitinlv @SugarPlumKelly @VannyDel @MCSafetyScissor @Cheekiemunkey
And of course, @bobmaron and @johncmayer.
@KarenRowena thank you!
@SugarPlumKelly *hugs*
@bearheadedgirl i heart you and with any luck and a great tax return, i look forward to more concert tittays with you
@caitinlv seriously, let's hope for a great tax return :)
@ShenaniganJenn for my birthday, you should pole dance to 'Your Body is a Wonderland.'
Now Listening: "The Air that I breathe" - Hollies
@ShenaniganJenn you make my heart sing!
@shenaniganjenn http://twitpic.com/yzze0 - The fact that you have this cd...
@shenaniganjenn http://twitpic.com/yzze0 - And it's 'One mile to every inch of...'
Yay, Mel from Flight of the Conchords is on 'Modern Family'
@VannyDel Because it's been watching a LOT of KellyShoes videos.
It's my birthday. Ask me anything - http://www.formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
@ericaszk Danke!
@johncmayer come on into zorap and wish me a happy birthday. zorap.com/mcsafetyscissor must be sober to get in.
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
Want to date Conan O'Brien? Now you can - http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/cas/1558679241.html
I don't want to talk to you if you can't take 3 seconds out of your time to spell something out. I won't do you. You sound like a dumbass.
http://twitpic.com/yeu5p - Who would walk up to a mini notebook at Best Buy and randomly put up their twitter account as advertising? Serio
http://twitpic.com/yrb39 - @cwm76 what are you doing cruising for dates in Albany? I'm very confused.
Cannot stop making/eating cinnamon toast english muffins.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Bow down.
I do not enjoy how long it takes my game to load nor how slowly my computer runs while it's on.
Just saw the preview, @johncmayer. Happy Birthday to me - http://is.gd/6DvUm
I don't want to talk to you if you can't take 3 seconds out of your time to spell something out. I won't do you. You sound like a dumbass.
http://twitpic.com/yeu5p - Who would walk up to a mini notebook at Best Buy and randomly put up their twitter account as advertising? Serio
http://twitpic.com/yrb39 - @cwm76 what are you doing cruising for dates in Albany? I'm very confused.
Cannot stop making/eating cinnamon toast english muffins.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Bow down.
I do not enjoy how long it takes my game to load nor how slowly my computer runs while it's on.
Just saw the preview, @johncmayer. Happy Birthday to me - http://is.gd/6DvUm
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
Hey Larry King, is it really that hard to pronounce Susan Sarandon's last name? Sar-ANN-Dun.
Can someone tweet me when @johncmayer performs on CNN?
Oh, @johncmayer you're apparently responding to people's tweets on CNN. Please show your work #cnnhelphaiti
and now, here we go @johncmayer performing Heart of Life.
And now we write.
Q:We're going camping today. Wanna go ? A:No, it's snowy and quite cold. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/55065462
Q:Pet peeves or real "quirkiness" about yo... A:I live alone but I need to sleep with th... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/55065466
Can someone tweet me when @johncmayer performs on CNN?
Oh, @johncmayer you're apparently responding to people's tweets on CNN. Please show your work #cnnhelphaiti
and now, here we go @johncmayer performing Heart of Life.
And now we write.
Q:We're going camping today. Wanna go ? A:No, it's snowy and quite cold. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/55065462
Q:Pet peeves or real "quirkiness" about yo... A:I live alone but I need to sleep with th... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/55065466
Tweets copied by twittinesis.com
