http://twitpic.com/109bct - I'm not worried. A little flirtation doesn't hurt.
@danewhite007 as a result, here's a family portrait: http://twitpic.com/109bct
Wanna see a family portrait of two people not in my will? Here you go: http://twitpic.com/109bct
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - Spending time with Maddy is my favorite thing.
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - I mean, she's adorable but very smelly. I'm not her dad so I don't have to bathe her.
I would be a great audience member for the State of the Union Address. I'm an old white man and I slept through it.
Where are my young whores? @bearheadedgirl I really want you to take off your top while I drink my Ensure and Baileys tonight. Still got it.
@bearheadedgirl I know why you're declining me. None of my women have ever been included in the will...
Though none of my ex-wives/past loves have been in the will, I've set up a charity for them. It's supposed to take the place of my alimony.
@bearheadedgirl HEY! I'll be whatever I wanna do!
Effing kids need to get off my lawn.
Oh what's this? Someone has written fanfiction about me? I wonder if I know these people or if they're writing it about my younger days...
I don't think SNL would allow me to host at my advanced age. It would just be me yelling at Kristin Wiig to shut the fuck up for 72 minutes.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be funny. I'm just saying, wait what? Oh yeah. I hate Kristin Wiig. And the next week they'd get her to spoof me.
Oh look @johncmayer storytellers is trending right now. What a paradox this is for me.
@Vanessa_Rose I dig your haircut. One of my exwives had it. I think her name's Consuela Bananahammock. I'm not sure anymore. Ask @caitinlv.
@Vanessa_Rose That's a lot of names and I, for one, am too old to remember that shit. I shall call her Flo.
@cwm76 then it's his problem. Or you can avoid all this by sleeping on quilted paper towels.
@caitinlv Where is our nightly zorap? i'm feeling very antsy as there are babies crying everywhere. And by babies I mean Walls and my wife
@caitinlv Is it still airing over there? wtf
@Benjamin__Linus which flavor/style and is it low-cal? I really shouldn't be eating this late at night. I'll be awake with prostate issues.
The wife slipped me a mickey and I'm passing out. How many times do I have to tell you, @catdsilver? Can't rape the willing.
Maddy ran into the bedroom this morning screaming, 'POOPIES, POOPIES, POOPIES!' Little girl's a psychic: I was getting up to do just that.
I'm Bored and everyone's at work/preschool/the corner earning their keep. Ask me something http://formspring.me/johnmayerasasim
I don't understand soap operas. Maybe because my life is eerily similar to one.
You crazy weatherman! I'm not going to freeze my tiny balls off to see Mars tonight!
@Benjamin__Linus While we're on the subject of Island Health Care Reform, why didn't the Island fix your vision problems. No more glasses.
@Benjamin__Linus Then it's clear that those people should be made to pay for it. Oh wait, they kind of are paying for it.
Q:What invention from back to the future II do you wish existed today?... A:Hoverboards! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481818
Q:Do you ever talk to strangers in bars or do you usually ... A:I love talking to strangers! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481827
Q:Do you want a big wedding or would you rather... A:Elope, come back and have a huge party. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481833
Q:What would you say to John Mayer if you met him? ... A:Thank you http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481838
So less people are tweeting at me now that I'm talking so candidly. I'm offended. Maybe if I offered to put some of you in the will...
Who the fuck bought gummy bears? I wear dentures. This is torture!
I'll get them back by eating all of them and leaving my dentures in empty bag as a warning to the rest of them. Do not cross me.
@VannyDel this is why I've hired my wife to shoot me up with a caffeine IV three times a week. I figured she could use the extra pay.
Picture an old man eating gummy worms and that's what I look like eating gummy worms. Go figure.
Great. @catdsilver is yelling me that the gummy worms are going to raise my blood sugar. I don't care. I'll just drink myself to sleep.
@caitinlv Why not! I won't have to clean up the mess it'll make out of my dentures. I'll blame it on Belvedere or Kyla or Justin. Whatever.
@caitinlv Bastard child looks like Bobby HIll. @catdsilver and I want to sell him.
I've just been set fire to.
http://twitpic.com/10ev8o - I never wanted these nudes to get out.
Yeah, you all thought I was kidding. Thanks for the concern! http://twitpic.com/10ev8o
Watching Kill Bill 2 for the 8 millionth time. I just realized I should tell my kids that I killed their mother. My reasoning in next tweett
I mean, clearly, BB & Bill's daughter will turn out JUST FINE, with NO emotional scarring. She won't seek dysfunctional relationships w/men.
And there sure as hell won't be a 3rd generation of Club Daughters, with her at the helm as a pure bred Ninja Assassin, to look forward to.
So let me go get Maddy and tell her why her mother is no longer around...
@danewhite007 as a result, here's a family portrait: http://twitpic.com/109bct
Wanna see a family portrait of two people not in my will? Here you go: http://twitpic.com/109bct
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - Spending time with Maddy is my favorite thing.
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - I mean, she's adorable but very smelly. I'm not her dad so I don't have to bathe her.
I would be a great audience member for the State of the Union Address. I'm an old white man and I slept through it.
Where are my young whores? @bearheadedgirl I really want you to take off your top while I drink my Ensure and Baileys tonight. Still got it.
@bearheadedgirl I know why you're declining me. None of my women have ever been included in the will...
Though none of my ex-wives/past loves have been in the will, I've set up a charity for them. It's supposed to take the place of my alimony.
@bearheadedgirl HEY! I'll be whatever I wanna do!
Effing kids need to get off my lawn.
Oh what's this? Someone has written fanfiction about me? I wonder if I know these people or if they're writing it about my younger days...
I don't think SNL would allow me to host at my advanced age. It would just be me yelling at Kristin Wiig to shut the fuck up for 72 minutes.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be funny. I'm just saying, wait what? Oh yeah. I hate Kristin Wiig. And the next week they'd get her to spoof me.
Oh look @johncmayer storytellers is trending right now. What a paradox this is for me.
@Vanessa_Rose I dig your haircut. One of my exwives had it. I think her name's Consuela Bananahammock. I'm not sure anymore. Ask @caitinlv.
@Vanessa_Rose That's a lot of names and I, for one, am too old to remember that shit. I shall call her Flo.
@cwm76 then it's his problem. Or you can avoid all this by sleeping on quilted paper towels.
@caitinlv Where is our nightly zorap? i'm feeling very antsy as there are babies crying everywhere. And by babies I mean Walls and my wife
@caitinlv Is it still airing over there? wtf
@Benjamin__Linus which flavor/style and is it low-cal? I really shouldn't be eating this late at night. I'll be awake with prostate issues.
The wife slipped me a mickey and I'm passing out. How many times do I have to tell you, @catdsilver? Can't rape the willing.
Maddy ran into the bedroom this morning screaming, 'POOPIES, POOPIES, POOPIES!' Little girl's a psychic: I was getting up to do just that.
I'm Bored and everyone's at work/preschool/the corner earning their keep. Ask me something http://formspring.me/johnmayerasasim
I don't understand soap operas. Maybe because my life is eerily similar to one.
You crazy weatherman! I'm not going to freeze my tiny balls off to see Mars tonight!
@Benjamin__Linus While we're on the subject of Island Health Care Reform, why didn't the Island fix your vision problems. No more glasses.
@Benjamin__Linus Then it's clear that those people should be made to pay for it. Oh wait, they kind of are paying for it.
Q:What invention from back to the future II do you wish existed today?... A:Hoverboards! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481818
Q:Do you ever talk to strangers in bars or do you usually ... A:I love talking to strangers! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481827
Q:Do you want a big wedding or would you rather... A:Elope, come back and have a huge party. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481833
Q:What would you say to John Mayer if you met him? ... A:Thank you http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481838
So less people are tweeting at me now that I'm talking so candidly. I'm offended. Maybe if I offered to put some of you in the will...
Who the fuck bought gummy bears? I wear dentures. This is torture!
I'll get them back by eating all of them and leaving my dentures in empty bag as a warning to the rest of them. Do not cross me.
@VannyDel this is why I've hired my wife to shoot me up with a caffeine IV three times a week. I figured she could use the extra pay.
Picture an old man eating gummy worms and that's what I look like eating gummy worms. Go figure.
Great. @catdsilver is yelling me that the gummy worms are going to raise my blood sugar. I don't care. I'll just drink myself to sleep.
@caitinlv Why not! I won't have to clean up the mess it'll make out of my dentures. I'll blame it on Belvedere or Kyla or Justin. Whatever.
@caitinlv Bastard child looks like Bobby HIll. @catdsilver and I want to sell him.
I've just been set fire to.
http://twitpic.com/10ev8o - I never wanted these nudes to get out.
Yeah, you all thought I was kidding. Thanks for the concern! http://twitpic.com/10ev8o
Watching Kill Bill 2 for the 8 millionth time. I just realized I should tell my kids that I killed their mother. My reasoning in next tweett
I mean, clearly, BB & Bill's daughter will turn out JUST FINE, with NO emotional scarring. She won't seek dysfunctional relationships w/men.
And there sure as hell won't be a 3rd generation of Club Daughters, with her at the helm as a pure bred Ninja Assassin, to look forward to.
So let me go get Maddy and tell her why her mother is no longer around...
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