JM, As a Sim

ALWAYS! RT @AfterElton: I found Kristen Wiig charming on the media circuit for Bridesmaids this week but her #SNL characters are painful.
Brain Spasm - Kurt Loder is 66 this year. SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR CHILDHOOD.
Watching last night's SNL. I will always love Jason Sudeikis doing the running man. Always.
RT @GeorgeMichael: Remember folks, never apologis for sex...unless you are bad at it!!!!!
@hwinkler4real If you're ever up in Albany NY, you need to try Crisans. They have the best pastries ever.
Every now and then you hear a song you haven't completely listened to in half a decade and you remember how amazing it was. What's yours?
@FnRayOSunshine Read that as hot sauce and suicide. Did you marry my older son, Walls?
@Nick_Sydney Who hurt you, Lionel? Who hurt you, who hurt you, who hurt you, who hurt you, who hurt you?
@caitinlv oh my caramel cream colored bunny.
@caitinlv I'm the only one who cares about your sinuses
@Nick_Sydney it got the axe
Trying to help Maddy study for her SATs. Not a fan of this fuckery going on with my stomach. Farting is not an answer on her exam. Or is it?
@Nick_Sydney I never had the chance to catch it. Too busy smacking Walls around, messing around with whores.

So happy for Mike Myers and his new wife as they're expecting a baby! May you have better luck training them than I did.
There's a funeral scene in Harold and Maude where a parade goes by and I believe, I want the same thing after mine. Marching band and all.

There's not that much news in my life right now. Granddaughter Maddy insists on studying for finals but I'm all "But I can buy your grades."
Goodnight everybody. Hop into bed with me!
I have such a mancrush on Todd Manning and I'm glad the real one is back on OLTL.
@ShenaniganJenn I was a huge fan of when Days had @stefanodimera brainwashed John Black into Roman Brady.
@ShenaniganJenn And everyone in Salem fell for it for at least 5 years. That this shit may have been going on for nearly 8 years? Gold.

@Pixolita Hey chocolate bunny
At a diner, eating a cantaloupe with a spoon while listening to Hipnotize by Biggie.
Yep, I'm an old man, melonballing it while listening to old school gangsta rap.

Call me Sir Cranks a Lot because I'm fucking cranky this evening.
This afternoon whilst grocery shopping, a little girl bragged to her mom about her chocolate bunny. I told her mine had bigger boobs.
My sweet tooth always gets me into trouble during the after Easter sales. So many chocolate bunnies for sale.
@donald_faison But they lose eagle points for using the "No homo" hash tag.
@Pixolita Do it like Men On Film or else...

When are we going to acknowledge that Lady Gaga is overexposed and should just go away? Never? Okay. I'll sit down with my unpopular self.
@KarenRowena Come on by, my Australian Upside Down bunny
@ItsVader you show them legs!
I can't wait til they get David Bowie on SNL and you get to meet your dad @snlstefon

Eerie Indiana is on fucking Netflix. Set phasers to STONED.

Shit http://www.hulu.com/watch/3522/saturday-night-live-the-overacting-negro-ensemble
Where my ladies at this evening? I need to be serviced and to service you! I'm looking at all my chocolate bunnies!
@TheSims3 Schlibbity jab! Haz idwabidoo pit mar don? Foor nit din kibby. Ha ha.
@caitinlv that's exactly how I like 'em!
RT @HuffingtonPost: France legalizes absinthe http://huff.to/lP9VeL
@Benjamin__Linus the Pants Monster
I wouldn't go to this toilet with my big sister's toe! #sawyer
#exterminate #southpark

At a diner in Albany. You should come find me!

Watching a really old but my favorite episode of Rocko's Modern Life - Zanzibar!
@bobmaron How was your Passover?! I hope all is well with you and yours! Hope you ate a lot :)

RT @denisleary: Apocadouche Now: guys who wear thumb rings. Turn yr testicles in.
RT @HuffPostStyle: Fact: Michelle Pfeiffer has not aged since about 1990 http://aol.it/lJurFB

@stefanodimera You'd have to show that asshole Trump all your birth AND death certificates. I'll meet you at the printer.
@michaelianblack I thought all British weddings were Doctor Who themed.
Wait, all British weddings are NOT "Doctor Who" themed? Well fuck you, Royal Fam. I'll be watching the Golden Girls with @kevinmarshall!
Holy shit, Cartman's mom is acting like a mom. Damn.
@JstCallMeFrank thanks as always!

Hope nobody needs me. Just took the best shower ever and am gonna nap naked like I used to when I went on tour years ago. Like the view?

Dear girls on the Garage clothing website: eat some goddamn cheeseburgers. I'll meet you at McDonalds.
New phrase of the day: Crotch Dropping. Use it in a sentence.

I would've totally railed Donna #doctorwho #redheads
HAPPY SUNDAY! #Jewish :)
I fucking love Laura Linney. Always. It's a love that will never end.

RT @ebertchicago: "By the age of 50, every man has the face he deserves." (rt) http://bit.ly/e6I2jT
HIDE YO STASH, Antoine Dodson, hide yo stash.
@ninaisshort DO NOT MAKE ME COME OVER THERE! I have le sniffles.
Why does sudafed make me extra flirty? LADIES? Halp me!
@kisstheground but I still love you.
Fuck this, I'm gonna watch the David Tennant episodes of Doctor Who all day. I don't need your love...
Going to the mall with @ninaisshort to get Maddy some shoes. If that bitch thinks she's getting anything costing more than $25 a pair...
late night sudafed, baileys and ensure. Good times, ladies, good times.

Am I really this bored that I'm watching an episode of Ally McBeal?

What a great joke the mouse pad is on our laptops. The motions we make on it right above our laps - imagine if we were all women. #sadoldman
@kisstheground EXACTAMENTE!

RT @charliesheen: Epic Happy Birthday to @ginamaron, not only my friend... But, goddess to @bobmaron... My Tweetmaster and Confidante!! ...

@lisalocicerogh So Stevia is your new couple portmanteau? Unlike the fake sugar, you guys won't cause me to break out in a body rash. Sexy.

GOODNIGHT all my little children. I love you all and wish we were sleeping together in this large large bed tonight. Don't worry, sexting!

@TheSims3 are there plans to turn the Sims 3 into a wii game?
The mall is fucked up tonight. Where are all my pretty ladies? I am disappoint.

@_drina http://twitpic.com/4lcytu - I'm hiding in the bushes. Be scared. Or turned on.

RT @JstCallMeFrank: How old does a cat have to before it understands the words "Shut the fuck up"... or is this just pointless training?
I haven't left the toilet since I joined Twitter in 2009. My ass hurts. @JstCallMeFrank RT @smexygeek I'm a toilet Tweeter, how about you?
Hiring a housekeeper doesn't count RT @rainnwilson: Anyone who thinks that the rich 'create jobs' has never hung out with rich folk before.
RT @SallyBlock: Inappropriate stuff first and then a serious note. http://tumblr.com/xej242tnyh
@adamlevine No it's Constantinople!
Regarding the cancellation of One Life to Live and All My Children: You're an asshole, Brian Frons.

Oh God *jumps out to build an email. HE NEEDS TO LEARN I'M IMMORTAL AND SEXIER THAN I look forward to bed. http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet
This one actually makes sense! "Only if I say cockshot thursday?" — http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet
Important question: "How do I could just be last night. Thank you. Wink wink. I WON'T teabag you." — http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet
RT @Boymeeetsworld: I just got banned from eBay tonight.,,. Apparently, a rat and a plastic tube does not constitute a DIY abortion kit.
@Boymeeetsworld Fuck them.
@EMILIOTHEWAY Four days late, I know, but if the internet's available, always choose it.
Grand Slam indeed. - WHEN I WROTE THAT SONG, THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND! However, excellent use of... http://tumblr.com/xsr2429x85

HOLD THE FUCK ON - DEGRASSI is on Netflix? See you all when I'm dead.
Title of the Degrassi ep where we meet the later abusive, shooter Rick? 'Never Gonna Give You Up.' Oh Degrassi, Rick-Rolling us in 2003.
FACT @Pixolita: I was Manny's baby daddy, not Craig. #degrassi
Some of these examples are why my kids are so fucked in the head. http://t.co/dqqxJVD”
@Pixolita I'd like to say I'm Emma's father but who would take credit for someone that annoying? Am I right @KevinMarshall? #degrassi
@Pixolita FUCK EMMA
@Dave_Chappelle Oh please. A gay man wouldn't be caught dead wearing a fanny pack. It's not 1992. #ifwehadagaypresident
@bjnovak welcome to twitter!

I agree with (comedian) Michael McDonald - A great day for me is when I don't sit on my balls.
@MeganRabren You sexy girl. Wish I was there.
STOP! There has NEVER been such a thing as a working class Bach and there will be!
@JstCallMeFrank you set fire to those assholes and how.
WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MOON AND NEW YORK CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @SHENANIGANJENN
I REALLY wish http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/ still updated.
@ShenaniganJenn Drink and fuck. Lots.
Oh my tired ass.
Oh shit, now it's windy outside. SOMEBODY HOLD ME?!
@alabamaradio Class-ay

Hader as Carville means no @snlstefon. Sad
Like an Easter egg hunt for all you dumbass kids!
@Pixolita headache earlier today. haven't gotten laid in a few days
FACT: @ShenaniganJenn I did that last night & won a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award for it in the middle of the theatre. Ask @ninaisshort.
Good night ladies. I miss you and your goodies. I'll be watching.
@ShenaniganJenn @ninaisshort WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MOON AND NEW YORK CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITY!
RT @katerspie: FYI Crisan fans: gelato started today! now made w/ milk from Meadowbrook Farms!
This week, the States get a little sexier as @KarenRowena and @Pixolita descend upon us from their respective countries for #Coachella.

@lisalocicerogh Wonderful. Tomorrow, I'll tell his sister he's stopped fucking around and has gotten a job. It's about time :)
@stefanodimera Always wicked Wednesday here, old chap. Let's fuck some shit up at the mall before it opens & then be surprised mall walkers!
LOVE IT - http://is.gd/YjBAEL

New strip featuring @charliesheen. I now hate throwing parties. However, I'm impressed. What did you bring? http://twitpic.com/4h4dsi
oh shit. new post. i still exist. maybe one day i'll feature both @bobmaron and @charliesheen in the same strip. OMFGWTFBBQSECKS.
http://twitpic.com/4h4dsi - Goodnight everybody. I leave you with this.
Want some laughs? Go to itunes and type 'Half of My Heart' into the search box and listen to the shitty remixes that show up as a result.

Time for sleep. Busy day of shopping for Maddy's last semester of middle school. Not a fan. NOT A FAN.
KY Jelly - when you're seeing sparks where your penis parks - thank you Tom Hanks. Truer words...
@ebertchicago Gonna call the movie's ending now: Jaden IS his own father or Will is Jaden from the past/future.
Hey @charliesheen! Do you work design for the Gap? http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=59594&vid=1&pid=807924

@Pixolita lick them.

RT @JstCallMeFrank: #FF @JohnMayerAsASim @NonnyBiscuits @UnicornSyrup @dannydogmouth> #Follow Our #TeamAwesome < 7% our #Followers ...
It's Ass-kicking Friday! Point me in the direction of your intended victim and I'll take care of them with my old man fists!
@Pixolita oh my beloved chocolate bunny, how I long to be near you.

Giving myself a ball massage. What's GOING ON HERE? HAS ANYONE FIGURED OUT YET?
Spoke to @SteveMartinToGo tonight. Lovely gentleman. Heavily respected. Very jealous of his musical talent o n the banjo.
Late night Baileys and Ensure for my nightcap. What are you drinking? Meet ya in bed. Don't make a noise or else I'm kicking your ass out!
I've reached 1,000 followers! What's up @babuu_458?
@RendezvousPheeb I know...I has a sad.

@SteveMartinToGo come to the Gap at Colonie center before your show tonight and I'll give you a deal on a hat.
@JohnMayerAsASim @SteveMartinToGo of course it's a toddler's @charliesheen hat. But whatever. I look forward to your show tonight.
@SteveMartinToGo thanks for letting me thank you for Shopgirl. The microphone I brought is my best friend @ninaisshort
@wildmook Thank you so much for he follow! Been a fan for nearly 10 years!
@wildmook oh and btw, can you teach me how to build an effective panic room for one of my wives? You know, hypothetically and all?

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHERE IS MY HORSE? I'll be in the bathroom with my lube. Thanks.

@charliesheen Belated congratulations on your 3 millionth follower!!! Still waiting on my shipment of Tiger Blood! Will repeat at #4million

Elizabeth Taylor in her most important role ever - General Hospital's Helena Cassadine http://is.gd/jrMAJs

RIP my old love Elizabeth Taylor. You were a wonderful old broad and a great 3rd wife. Big ups to you.
RT @ninaisshort: @JohnMayerAsASim I got an email from your long-lost son Walls. He's gone and changed himself into a woman.
@ninaisshort if Walls asks you for money, you say his pappy is watching him. Even in an email. HE NEEDS TO LEARN I'M ALWAYS WATCHING HIM!

http://twitpic.com/4bmurw - @charliesheen very sexy.
SLEEP. I command you!
@kingsleyyy are you familiar with/do you follow @thefinebros? They're responsible for the Degrassi spoofs featuring @shanedawson. Funny men

HAPPY BELATED @THEFINEBROS!
Which one of you fine honies wants to come and sleep between my legs so my sciatica doesn't act up?
@laundando nevar
Most importantly, @hausofsantiago Gaga's biggest problem is that she's a vacant looking mouth breather.
How the fuck did I forget that much needed adjective :) RT @lynnekramer: @JohnMayerAsASim and talentless!

RT @SallyBlock: At work, I'm trying so hard NOT to market this as the @charliesheen fedora and failing. #winning. http://is.gd/irBJtF
RT @SallyBlock: At work, I'm trying SO hard not to market this as the @charliesheen fedora and failing #winning? http://twitpic.com/4akbq0
Oh RT @SallyBlock: At work, I'm trying SO hard not to market this as the @charliesheen fedora and failing #winning http://twitpic.com/4akbq0

Did someone say cockshot thursday? It's early but still...
Sort of. In the style of @snlStefon, @FnRayOSunshine It's that thing of when you send/receive a cockshot on your phone to someone.
@FnRayOSunshine @snlstefon Whether they expect it or not. It's funnier if they don't...
Tell him you'll be bringing back CockShot Thurs. RT @FnRayOSunshine: If I don't get the @charliesheen intership I'm gonna Blame Lil Wayne.
Everybody! IMPORTANT! https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=190535860984629
@FnRayOSunshine It's quite possible. I'm sorry for the way things ended.
BLOW ME, I'M IRISH! Not Irish at all, actually, but enjoying Baileys w/Ensure all day. #nothowthatworks
RT @ninaisshort: @JohnMayerAsASim I've always wanted to wear a red shirt on st Patricks day that says "Fuck Me, I'm Italian".

Does your ass hurt tonight? Mine does. Part of being old.

Oh a very late dinner for your beloved, Grampa Johnny.

MADDY, You are PERMANENTLY grounded for this Rebecca Black BS. Now people will think we don't know how to blink. Almost out of the will.
http://twitpic.com/3oe4s0 - I went and clicked on that Rebecca Black video and was pissed to see that it was my beloved Maddy. Girl best be
RT @JstCallMeFrank: @ItsVader Steak and Blowjob day, dontchyaknow. :)
KINGSLEY! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJ9XIP6XNXs&feature=player_embedded
Video: Not even going to link to the original video cause it’s so annoying. Why doesn’t her fucking family... http://tumblr.com/xsr1rzq7hx
jedgarhover asked: I think I have a grasp … you are like the Peterman Reality Tour from the days of... http://tumblr.com/xsr1rzr0bd
jedgarhover asked: so who are you … I mean really? I am Mike Smith damn’it http://tumblr.com/xsr1rzrc9g
kalimadevi asked: Flooby nooby. Fmab tabana scherky kwerdo, milfin…. blarb. http://tumblr.com/xsr1rztnph

Courtesy of @canteven - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0StE2Be_4o&feature=player_embedded

@JstCallMeFrank anytime!
@JstCallMeFrank Just like how I imagine people are when they discover I'm not the real thing...
@_drina I done baked you some
@JstCallMeFrank BUT THEN THEY COME INSIDE AND SEE I'M MORE AWESOME BECAUSE I'M IMMORTAL AND OLDER AND WISER AND SEXIER THAN @JOHNCMAYER
#trufax y'all. #trufax
@_drina yes, come get em
#WINNING RT @_drina: @JohnMayerAsASim *jumps out of the bathtub**you did know that I'm a total bathtub whore, right?* Let me throw on a robe
@JstCallMeFrank I am not him?
@JstCallMeFrank i think we're both on drugs tonight :)
@JstCallMeFrank Bailey's and Ensure. My nightly cocktail. Plus maybe some pot. Whatever the wife puts into it. I dunno but I like it.
@JstCallMeFrank better not be. She's not even in the will anymore.
Long story. @JstCallMeFrank Check my previous strips out at http://twitpic.com/photos/JohnMayerAsASim
http://twitpic.com/k7nij - In memory of two grandchildren who were tossed by the wayside for sassing my old ass. An old strip:
RT @JoelKHughes: Musicians annoy me. 4-5 gigs along the same part of the country, IS NOT A TOUR. They're just gigs.
Fuck, #Japan just keeps getting worse. I'm sorry. The timeline about it is heartbreaking. At least @charliesheen is a good distraction.
RT @SallyBlock: Cuddling with Bubbie on the couch while I play with @johnmayerasasim.
Found a @charliesheen sim. Will customize and then party.
@charliesheen very nice new profile pic.
Just got done watching 'Color Me Kubrick." Brilliant. True.

What have I done with all my Grammys? Melted them down into one giant Grammy Award. It's been 40 years of awards and it's a giant Grammy.
Police Raid at @CharlieSheen's house. Rumors of a 5150 psych hold. Hope they force-feed him a burger. http://is.gd/TRXcO5 @tmzharveylevin
Just made myself my evening cocktail - Baileys and Ensure. Life is awesome. I hope you are all well. Time to read some porn.
RT @Jason_Pollock: Dear Twitterverse, I know Sheen's casa was just raided & everyone is tweeting about it but remember THERE ARE MUCH MO ...
@charliesheen Did you find out your home was being raided just like the rest of us via twitter?
Only if you're up to it tonight. @Vanny_Del and don't forget to please please bring some extra shplrorlpl lube and flaaaaarp brand condoms.
Problem #1 They don't bounce. Problem #2 They're not in my mouth. RT @Vanny_Del: Photo: #TITS http://tumblr.com/xta1qhva30
#3, they're not real. Major design flaw. I demand a refund. REAL BOOBS ONLY PLS IRT @Vanny_Del: Photo: #TITS http://tumblr.com/xta1qhva30
LOOK OUT EVERYBODY, I JUST CAME RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim Fmerbokken damooschlarb demba melfin mazshnee reema blarb.
I say something about hamburgers & @charliesheen in this tweet http://is.gd/dhscCr then suddenly TMZ updates with the same thing? SOULMATES!
Dear @charliesheen I've given up many children but will adopt you. I have tigers & think you'd dig Leopard Plasma #planbetter #followme #wtf
I have new neighbors who moved in across the street. They are super loud. I'm hiring people to take them down. Interested?
"I like this one, son. She can at least read," http://is.gd/t56OIi True Love finds you
RT @thomaslennon: Sleep tight. And if I'm the one who finds your dead body -- I swear I WON'T teabag you. (Wink wink.)
Okay, seriously, I mean it. Goodnight.
It's lonely in this big bed. Come lay down with me.
RT @Dave_Chappelle: #pray for the victims of today's earthquake in Japan, hopefully the coming tsunami will not be as bad as they are pr ...
RT @bearheadedgirl: @JohnMayerAsASim And lie here with you? Should I say a word?
RT @JstCallMeFrank: who UNFollows on #FF? Really? That's a special kind of mean.
RT @msnbc: Japan declares 'nuclear emergency' after problems with cooling system at power plant, NHK reports http://on.msnbc.com/flwLBb
RT @GeorgeMichael: Happy Friday People! (imagine Oprah like volume....)
To my beloved Japan: please be well and take care of yourselves. Will donate all I can. Missing and thinking of you.
Told my granddaughter Maddy - cupcakes are not breakfast - unless you wake up after dinner or are OLD like me & may not make til then.
@ShenaniganJenn Unleash your dragons upon me, Jennifer
How do I love them violently @charliesheen? Do I fuck Japan with my Adonis DNA or something? My old man balls can't reach that far but...ok.
Taking Maddy to her after school job. Time to hit on the waitress.

@Fraaa It's very hard to make @charliesheen's nose
30 followers away from 1k. Small goals but still a goal. Hope you're all well and warm this evening!
Photo: Look at this chef. Your argument is invalid. funnyordie: http://tumblr.com/xsr1q55omp
#winning RT @Papa_C_Los: CRIPES! I MISSSED MY 19,000th tweet. I was planning on sending it out to @charliesheen . Maybe he'd notice.
RT @Benjamin__Linus: I'm on a drug. It's called "Benjamin Linus". Possible side effects: Always having a plan. #winning #polarbearBlood
Going to bed. Someone come over and cup my balls. BallCupping Internship starts this morning at 2AM. Unpaid. Apply at my door.
RT @Dave_Chappelle: #saynoto Republicans.... unless of course you're super rich and greedy, then it makes sense to vote Republican!
RT @rupaul: My morning meditation begins with: I am not my thoughts - I am the awareness of my thoughts
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. What are you bringing me for breakfast in bed? Btw, you were wonderful last night. Thank you.
Include some coffee and yes. RT @jenntleseattle3: @JohnMayerAsASim You're welcome. Today is a good day to have chocolate cake for breakfast.
RT @MarylandMudflap: I miss the 90s. When C+C Music Factory yelled "EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!" You know what everybody did: We fucking danced.
@jenntleseattle3 light and sweet and 12x a day. Just ask @Vanny_Del @caitinlv and @SallyBlock
The Incredible Hulk was not a super hero. He was a drunk white dude at a bar ~ Tracy Morgan
@mensnewsonline I've yet to find a woman as flexible as I am.

@FnRayOSunshine very manic. couldn't keep up.
@FnRayOSunshine not a doctor but prob more psychosis instead of drugs, no idea
My old man balls have many powers. RT @FnRayOSunshine: @JohnMayerAsASim I thought maybe your old man balls might be psychic.
@hwinkler4real You are one of my favorite people.
Oh my god, Prince Carlos. The only straight man in the world who can get away with wearing purple! ~ Roseanne
RT @billmaher: Tiki, u don't walk away from the game and get YOUNGER. Same to u, Charlie Sheen. Just wanted to show anything now can be ...
RT @GeorgeMichael: Twenty more of you and we hit 60,000
RT @yokoono: And we will know that Togetherness is the power we have.
RT @greggrunberg: Come see my band: BENEFITING CYSTIC FIBROSIS
SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 2011
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS
6:30-10PM
Tix: www.wisterial ...

Marry a tree - @charliesheen
@_MichaelGabriel Not really but yes.
Do people really think this account just came out of nowhere? My old man balls and I have been here for about a year and a half now :)
@malibujanna yeap :)
@SugarPlumKelly Oh hai girl.
@FnRayOSunshine Me or Sheen?
@FnRayOSunshine I want to follow you just because of your awesome profile pic
@charliesheen - We were featured on OkMagazine.com for your 2 millionth follower! http://is.gd/wpFAMG
RT @bearheadedgirl: Don't listen to the haters @BobMaron. Some people are just assholes.
@SugarPlumKelly @bearheadedgirl Look at my honies.
@Chanosky @charliesheen I miss you Chanosky. Please page me at your nearest airport kiosk.
@DrewFromTV when can we get the Drew Carey show on Netflix Instant? huge fan :)
@charliesheen now if I could just be the first Sim you follow. The RT was enough. Time to drag my old man balls to bed. Earn it kids!
RT @blakesennett: INTERVENTION is starting to get pretty predictable
I mean @charliesheen invented the Sims as he's a higher being. It'd only make sense. Jesus Christ. I need to get laid and some sleep. #troll
RT @nattamac: @JohnMayerAsASim I see the old ball bag is getting some press coverage these days. Time to break out the hair dye for thos ...
I'm not gonna bullshit you @nattamac. If you're lucky enough to visit the area, I'm not going to cover up my natural beauty.
@JoelKHughes my life...every day.
Can't get away from @charliesheen. Watching an old episode of SNL where Christian Slater hosts.
Because you're awesome RT @diirtyconverse: omg, why do I have "I Just Had Sex" on repeat? #jammin
@Vanny_Del I love you chocolate bunny
Maddy and I are going to Starbucks. She needs to get me out of the house and also to practice driving for her license test.
According to @johncmayer's tumblr, he no longer has a dog named Brisket. Very sad.
RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim I've got a brisket in the oven...
@charliesheen How much does a bottle of tiger blood cost?
just give us a d&mn price for it already. ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
I want to see a machete ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
Why is it your final ustream, @charliesheen?
Yeah, I think we get 'The Art of War.' Nice pants though... ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
The amount of snorting you can hear in the background is disturbing
And now another shot of the tigerblood. ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
The cigarettes aren't lit. Clearly the show isn't ready to begin yet. ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
Well, this ought to be good ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
Oh god...the Malibu Messiah...
I don't remember getting an invite to the nudie party. ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
What the fuck is this supposed to be? #charliesheen
Why does this have to be @charliesheen's last night? ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
What in the actual F3ck ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
RT @Antiquorum: Antiquorum Offers Half Million $ Watch http://is.gd/bDw6K3
Hey @charliesheen can we get a transcript of tonight's show?
@Nick_Sydney working on it.
@FnRayOSunshine imagine a live recorded suicide note and then nothing to back it up. All talk and thankfully no action. Hope he gets help.

I'm bored. Someone amuse me. I'm looking at you, @charliesheen
There won't be a song, just a full out epic, Kanye West style music movie in the style of 'Runaway.' @P_HightowerXO @charliesheen
@P_HightowerXO I'll allow it.
@P_HightowerXO I can follow you but I can't say that you can say that the latter part is true :)
@Papa_C_Los How did you know I was watching that?
WINNING. RT @SallyBlock: My main goal for the week is to get @johnmayerasasim re-tweeted/followed by @charliesheen Sheen.
@P_HightowerXO one is mine.
On a serious note, I'm in the northeast and it's nasty out there. Say inside and fall asleep with me. Listen to the ice pellets. Goodnight.
@Pixolita goodnight my chocolate bunny!
RT @adamlevine: When I first heard surfer girl I fell in love with a girl that didn't even exist. That's how good they are.
HA! RT @capetownphoto: Jah but he slept with most of them :)
@HutchMartin huh?
RT @livewire315: @charliesheen @johnmayerasasim holy tigerblood batman!!! 2 million I want to see 4 by the weekend
RT @IslandBoyComedy: @charliesheen @JohnMayerAsASim - Don't you mean Congrats for making it to 2 million #winners
@LindaLauren Good morning. Thanks for the info. I'm aware.
To my new followers - in case I needed to tell you: http://twitpic.com/jdvhp
@charliesheen When you say #checkit all I hear is the Beastie Boys' "Fight For Your Right (to Party)." Not even in the song. Your song, man.
@rachaelcrabtree kinda what i was thinking, and I never have :) JM and I have spoken, he's aware of my fuckery and I've yet to be sued :)
@bizzleosikoya I reject this! I am awesome! i simply know how to count :)
@ShenaniganJenn You'll get me next time, Gadget?
@rachaelcrabtree I like you. You're being followed.
@rachaelcrabtree well then, consider yourself followed by @sallyblock, my the owner of my tigerblood
@LindaLauren naw, its all in good humour. I'm sorry to have hurt your feelings. Thank you for the advice. I used to play SL.
how was I not following @rupaul?
RT @C_A_JONEStechno: @charliesheen @JohnMayerAsASim - Was gonna make a congratulations speech, but my bacon sandwich just arrived. Prior ...
@PuiKar76 no harm, no foul. Have a good one!
RT @rupaul: Life is so f**king short - Don't waste it on petty bullsh%t
Time to take my midday nap. Drank my Baileys-mixed Ensure & am just drowsy enough to block out the world w/one hand on my sack. Later folks!
@JoelKHughes about 300. I'm very grateful to @charliesheen and @BobMaron
@JoelKHughes but some will trickle off
@JoelKHughes Yaaaaaaaaay!
@bridgdef heh I had no part in it :)
@ImposterStatler Well, strive for awesomeness and it will find you :)
This is almost as good as @helenkeller RT @ImposterStatler: RT @BeakerDeMuppets: meeep meep meep meeep meep
Time to see if I can make @charliesheen as a sim. This will be an epic failure but I'll see what I can do
@ImposterStatler You want to follow @snlstefon
http://twitpic.com/15q78k - BREAKING NEWS FROM MY PANTS!
http://twitpic.com/qq02b - A flashback as a special thanks to @bobmaron for everything.
http://twitpic.com/1t6lqp - I have an amazing ass. In honor of #bootyappreciationday, I invite you all to see it.
Photo: I’ve been in trouble with the law. But I got the law to take off their pants and marry me. http://tumblr.com/xsr1pfa9rv
@Pixolita I haven't seen that sort of fun since "Trading Places."
Supreme diggity.
Where is my wife this evening? @notcatsilver? Get over here and do something to my junk.
OH LOOK! I HAVE A BACKUP UNIT! @charliesheen #chocolatebunnywinning! RT @Pixolita: Come here old man @JohnMayerAsASim ((hugs))
@BestSoyLatte following you on this and on @sallyblock because your blog is pretty damn beautiful/right up my alley
@Pixolita be there in 5 minutes
blahdyblog asked: How did you get your sim so handsome? http://tumblr.com/xsr1pffwel
How many does it take? RT @Dave_Chappelle: RT @RealChappelle: They wont have my account verified until I have more followers. #Haters
@Dave_Chappelle oh what the hale, I'm 40 people away from that.
@Dave_Chappelle @realchappelle According to Twitter this is how you get verified, has nothing/little to do with numbers: http://is.gd/fnR4Q4

Sigh. @charliesheen because you're still so attractive.
@ImposterStatler I enjoy you. Let's grab a whiskey. I'll bring them up to the balcony during the show.
@ImposterStatler Not hitting on you, old chap.
@ImposterStatler Let's you and me go out and find ourselves some whores, Vegas style. Dean Martin playing in the back, or Bobby Darin.
Is it consider having 'Made it' when you get 4 spam messages a day, on average? Or is it sexual harassment?
http://twitpic.com/46zgdc - Greetings everybody from nakedtown.
@BobMaron http://twitpic.com/46vh4n - That red one looks delicious. Is it cinnamon, candy apple or cherry?
@charliesheen May I please borrow one of your goddesses for an hour? There's some soul searching over here that needs to be done.
@yearinla Me too though I think it's clear with the 'C' at the end that he just copy/pasted the whole thing.
Posting this Missing Persons info for a friend in need - David Mark, Massachusetts. Last seen on 3/2/11 http://is.gd/PtQPH5
@charliesheen Congrats for making it to 2 million followers!

@bobmaron you changed your profile pic! Nice shot! Hope you're well.
@hwinkler4real I want to go out for a walk with you. You are relaxing to read and I feel would translate well in person :)

Because clearly she's the 1st RT: @HuffingtonPost: Huckabee rips Natalie Portman for having a child 'out of wedlock' http://t.co/DnBY65u
@jasonryanglass I'm in LA right now hanging and banging with my ladies @meeshell78 and @_drina. Will be at the Hotel Cafe tonight.
@_drina well looky that. I just came.

@stefanodimera You, because you know you're batshit and you work it :)
@SafetyScissor because sometimes our upstairs neighbors are really fucking loud at midnight and deserve my hatred. Oh no, wrong Twitter.
@adamlevine Bonjour! Como ca va? Je m'appelle @adamlevine et je suis un American tres beaux. C'est vrai!
@stefanodimera the only way Charlie's beating you is that you still don't know that the real Kristen's a sex slave on an island somewhere.
@JohnMayerAsASim but now you do. OH LOOK. NOW YOU'RE WINNING!
People need to be aware of the Bro Rape phenomenon. http://t.co/4TYHRNo. Be good to yourself and each other. Say Jerry Springer & get hit.

And living in the moment is a bullshit sentence. You have to acknowledge the future and your past but not live in fear of them.
Sorry if anyone disagrees with me on that but I've always been bothered by the notion of 'We have to live in the moment.'
So long as you don't ruminate on either the past or future, you'll be fine.
Totes following @charliesheen now.
NO WAI?! RLY?! WHO said I had this? RT @RemediesForYou: @JohnMayerAsASim Be Herpes-Free for the Rest of Your Life!
Sorry, @RemediesForYou. It's too late for me to going back to being a virgin. Too much sex. Can't reset.
Hey @ShenaniganJenn, I've met Michael P. Jann from The State who directed Reno:911 guest starring Ryan Stiles from Hot Shots w/@charliesheen
I believe in real breasts, ponies & working hard to actually earn the $$ in my acct. RT @KimKardashian: I believe in fairy tales
@ShenaniganJenn but how did you figure it?
@ShenaniganJenn oh...Sweeeeet.
RT @SallyBlock: Photo: Hey @CharlieSheen! I got your clown doctor right here! #pastmistakes #cultclassics... http://tumblr.com/xej1nl5qj0
@aots I think he never got over this role http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhfzryO4Dl1qbhd0xo1_500.jpg
@zachbraff YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Saying 'I'm sorry if I offended you' is not the same as saying 'I'm sorry I offended you. #CharlieSheen
Oh and smoking on television definitely makes you look like a role model. #CharlieSheen
Oh, sorry that you actually have to work to earn money like the rest of us, Charlie. Sucks that it'll get in the way of your addictions.
@Vanny_Del I do...that's why I always stuck to pot.
@Carrydhg Uhm...if I click on that I'm going to get digital herpes. I don't have immunity/shots for that yet.
Ooooh Mr. Sheen you are a prime target for Scientology. Watch that shit.
Oh and way to slam those with mental disorders too, douchebag #charliesheen
Charlie will do what he always does - go to rehab/day camp, find a new wife, and have another baby. Then the cycle will begin again. #sheen
I read this in Towlie's voice. Thank you. RT @koreantomcruise: "Bring me Dr. Clown Shoes."
You can't make Major League 3 in your basement, #charliesheen. I don't care what the Candy Cane voices in your head have told you.
When someone says 'Defeat is not an option' it clearly shows that when they fail, they're probably going to work themselves to death.

Okay, you didn't just use an announcer to bring out an announcer. But you just did #oscars
Of course, the inevitable 'She's/He's fucking that person' shot #oscars
RT @michaelianblack: Tribute to Lena Horne but not Corey Haim? NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!!!
I want an upset. I won't get it but I want one.
James Franco then comes out in a blue plaid dress and red dancing shoes to make up for the obvious lipsyncing and HAPPY HANDSING gong on.
Yes, I've bought them all. RT @caitinlv: it would be really politically incorrect to ask what I want to ask about the kids in this chorus.
So, she's like Beetlejuice for part of this video? Is that right? Could they have gotten Michael Keaton? #gaga

Going to the Oscars solo tomorrow night!
I'M GLAD ROBERTO BENIGNI WENT AWAY LIKE I PRAYED FOR
Is Halle Berry even still relevant?
"So the naked girl from Love and Other Drugs and the guy from General Hospital..." Yeah that about sums it up.
Oh look, more movies I haven't seen.
I feel like James Franco hates Anne. He's trolling her. Trolling us. Troll trolly Trollington. #oscars #trolls
Why would a major soap star like James Franco be so nervous about winning an Oscar?
And maybe the first soap star? RT @ebertchicago: Is James Franco the first PhD candidate to host the Oscars?
You be careful about calling Marky Mark, Marky Mark. He's gonna fucking jump your ass in the parking lot. He's got backup from his MA boys.
YAAAAAAAAAAY TOM HANKS. Shut the fuck up, kids.
Josh Brolin, why did you copy Javier Bardem's outfit? You were in the movie in which he killed people with an air gun. You crazy. #oscars.
I played this 'best of John Williams' review in highschool band. Thanks for the memory.
yes, I know it wasn't ALL John Williams.
127 Hours is a good movie and you should all see it.
"Congratulations Nerds" James Franco, Way to be officially trolling the Oscars
BLAH BLAH BLAH PIANO MUSIC YOU ARE NOT AT A PIANO BAR. PLEASE LEAVE. #Oscars.
Sorry, Gwen but you're not singing 'Fuck You,' so get off stage.
I forgot about Jill Clayburgh.

DONDE ESTA @BOBMARON?! Happy bIrthday to you!

RT @PeterGriffinn: What pisses you off more, the fact that I said something insulting about you, or the fact that you know it's true?
There's s lot of Gaga hate from me lately & I should clarify: I'm a fan, got her last album, "Speechless" always kills it! Just want better.
So it's like a regular game? RT:@billmaher: NBA All Star game - its just watching hundred-millionaires fucking around

Is there a zorap going on?
Richard Pryor on the Sunset Strip on my netflix and then bed. YOU SHOULD DO IT TOO
Finally back home a week after the Grammys. Saved Maddy from becoming a Belieber. He wouldn't abort anyway. Fucking 13 year old.
TRUFAX: Lady Gaga's new song 'Born This way' also sounds a bit like TLC's Waterfalls. Think about it and then get angrier.
Maybe 'Respect'? RT @_drina: @JohnMayerAsASim Also Madonna's Express Yourself & and an Erasure song I can't quite figure out.
@_drina Either way, it's a bunch of gay anthems that were written before and written better.
SUICIDE WANK - GET YER SUICIDE WANK, HOT AND TOASTY - http://is.gd/yquJ0Q

Wearing a hat in your singles profile photo doesn't make you look 'Cool' or 'Trendy.' It makes you look like you're balding and hiding it.
Important - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7iQWqHEG6A

@caitinlv @vanny_del RT @Helen_Keller: Kelbogarpen.
I need your help. RT:@SallyBlock: Almost there - http://tumblr.com/xej1ima5lp
No I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense.

Today I dressed up in a red speedo and a pair of wings #Jewpid
Someone wake me when it's Steak and Blowjob day. I can't remember when it is.

30 Minutes left - WHO WANTS TO BE MY VALENTINE?!
Did that guy just tell Lady Gaga to grow up? - Pretty sure…yes. http://tumblr.com/xsr1icum62
blockparted: http://tumblr.com/xsr1icxpln
@malibujanna I will and I'll shave soon.
TRICK QUESTION. I've claimed you all. RT@JohnMayerAsASim: WHO WANTS TO BE MY VALENTINE?!
RT @meeshell78: Why did Lady Gaga change the words to Expess Yourself? Seriously?
@SafetyScissor it's a very short list. You're, surprisingly, not on it. Congrats, it means we've done it!
Gnite kids! What an exciting show. Gotta get Maddy back before the limo turns into a pumpkin and Bieber hits on her again. NO!

Oh wow, Russell Brand recycled part of his stand up. But I love that he used the word 'Tight.'
Show 'em how to do it, now! RT @matt_nathanson: Get your dick sucked, your dick sucked yeayeah!!!!!!
I'll personally be there. RT @SLSCJR14: @JohnMayerAsASim Is Mayer performing at #grammys?
Why not :) RT @SLSCJR14: @JohnMayerAsASim Yes but is the singer John Mayer performing?
I'm performing at the Grammys! RT @SLSCJR14: @JohnMayerAsASim Not sure, there were a couple of conflicting stories. I hope so! ; )
A tell-all song about my love affair with a squinty eyed songstress. IT'S MY TURN FOR THE TRUTH RT @malibujanna: @JohnMayerAsASim WHAT SONG?
@caitinlv I'LL BE THERE IN A DAY.
I'll give you a dirty ole man. RT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim I gave her the ole dirty old man?
Just realized how awkward it must be for Russell to host SNL with Chris Brown, knowing he beat up his wife's best friend.
BONEITIS!
Maddy wants to meet Lady Gaga. No. You need to sit down. It's the Grammys, not a slumber party.
LIVE TWEETING FROM THE GRAMMYS, children!
RT @SallyBlock: Last minute donation drive - need to make $300 by Thursday or massage school may be a no go. Please - http://is.gd/imPsDY
Lenny Kravitz just got here. He was wonderful to Precious and so, I trust him around my Maddy.
@caitinlv I'm. On. it.
Being at the Grammys is like the ultimate Prom.
There are lots of pretty women and always some underdressed douchebag wearing a cowboy hat. Oh look, there's Jewel.
Ooooh, Nicki Minaj just got here. I want to take a bite of that chocolate bunny.
Nicki Minaj looks nervous. I should hug her. But then I'd never let her go. Isn't that right, @pixolita, @caitinlv @vanny_del?
@Pixolita *done*
I don't know a whole lot of you but you should be bowing down to me.
Maddy's bored and taking a nap back in the limo. I'm hitting on girls who are 10 years older than she is. I'd feel bad but they're hot.
(BTW, Maddy is now 15 so it's okay)
WHITNEY IS HERE. I'll be back in an hour.
But truth be told, if I'm banging Whitney Houston tonight and she yells out 'Bobby B!' I won't be upset. I love her so much. Always fine.
That camera guy on the red carpet kept trying to take photos of Maddy and get her number. Back off, I'm not afraid to go back to jail.
Hey, @pixolita. Given my history with black chicks, can you help me get with Whitney? Am I good enough for her?
Yes, I'm still going on the assumption that all minorities know each other. ALL WHITE PEOPLE DO!
What's up L.L.? Let's do a remake of 'Hey Lover.' #grammys
It's okay, they should just redefine the word 'Man' and 'woman' since they're so keen on redefining things lately. @t_rim
@t_rim See? It's just another thing they can add to their list of re-writing the dictionary.
I just got Maddy from the limo because Drake just arrived and I wanted to prove to her that he's not in a wheelchair. #degrassi #fail
And before you even ask, I'm not letting her sit with or even talk to Jordin Sparks. She's a bad role model and I don't need that.
Also, I just ran into my younger self. Told him to shave or I'd disown him. Clearly, he's listening.
Also, Tia Carerre is here. I need to act on that.
One of the douchebags from the Black Eyed Peas just arrived carrying a book. Like I'd buy anything written by you (includes your music).
I'm going to have a talk with myself about that. RT @solarpowerspork: @JohnMayerAsASim, what's with the Johnny Depp look, dear?
Actually, it's because my girlfriend has a Pirates fetish RT @solarpowerspork: @JohnMayerAsASim, what's with the Johnny Depp look, dear?
I think that was John Mayer RT @AfterElton: Johnny Depp washed his hair. Someone alert the media! #GayGrammys
I am almost drunk enough to yell out 'Hey, BOB!' instead of 'B.O.B.' to see if he'll turn around.
Look Lady Gaga, I understand you're fucking tired but you're not a fucking queen. Wait til you go backstage and fucking sleep.
Barry Manilow is here now. I need to talk to him about his plastic surgery.
Someone yell out 'Jimmy!' #redcarpet #wishes
I think artists abuse the word 'organic.'
Do these CBS commentators know how to do their job? The guy is an asshole.
I've had a threesome with Heidi and Seal
Martina McBride looks like she sings country.
Same. She deserves better than this rip off of VH1's diva's. RT @yearinla: ALSO I AM SORRY YOU ARE APART OF THIS FUCKERY, FLORENCE
Martina McBride's trying to country-ize Aretha. No.
RT @mkdlisted You know Aretha is backstage with a biscuit in her hand and this thought in her head: "Nice try, bitches, but no...."
THIS IS NOT NECESSARY - GRAMMYS
What the hell happened to you, Aretha? Go sleep, you look sick.
Oh look it's Madonna...oh wait. #gaga #grammys
SHE'S EVEN DOING VOGUE HAND MOVEMENTS. #GRAMMYS I'm leaving
I can see it from here andd the answer is yes. RT @Vanny_Del: I wonder if Gaga waxed her asshole for the Grammy's.
Oh good, she's finally singing the version she sang on the stage at the VMA's. #gagafail
No, Madonna was born that way. You were born later and decided to copy her. #gagas
RT @MeganRabren: Aretha's tribute was great. Florence definitely held her own. I am SO OVER Lady Gaga. That song sucks.
Video: tumblrisforlulz: http://tumblr.com/xsr1iaz8ax
Maddy ran to the parking lot so she doesnt have to hear half this crap. RT @diediemydarlin: And then that guy starts rapping. #Grammys
Yes. Maddy's scurred RT @Vanny_Del: So.... is the live audience seeing this in black n white too? O_o
Couldn't please me without your hands RT @Vanny_Del: I'm sorry but I don't care how much I love you I'm not catching a grenade for your ass.
Wait...yes you could. RT @Vanny_Del: I'm sorry but I don't care how much I love you I'm not catching a grenade for your ass.
BING BONG, Hello! RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim I have a talented mouth.....
Can we give out a damn award already? I'm tired and need some damn Baileys in my Ensure.
Russell Brand hit on me. I'm excited.
When Gaga cries it means she's gonna sing. Stop it.
And you dreamed you would become Madonna. Dream come true. #gaga #grammys
Of course it doesn't. She's just hinting at her next target to rip off. RT @Vanny_Del: But that doesn't sound like a Whitney song.
I totally hit on Susan Boyle. She's a firework in bed. #grammys #truth
TRUTH RT @SLSCJR14: @JohnMayerAsASim You NASTY
I just came from the amount of banjos on stage.
Yes, during that song, I was thinking of when I tweeted - It's a quarter after one, I just huffed a can of ceiling paint and I need you now?
Wow, apparently you CAN out-Elton John, Elton John. #grammys
Truth - during the rehearsals it was Dr. Teeth and the Electric band.
But I thought it wasn't a performance RT @Tourloko: Anyone else super excited to buy Mayer/Keith Vegas tickets right after that little diddy
Here's that homework you requested @tourloko - http://twurl.nl/e6ajol
Be original and shut the fuck up, internet ads.
All I heard was 'polishes' and 'head.' Leaving the Grammys for you. RT @caitinlv: @SallyBlock *polishes halo* *puts it atop your head*
So what happened to Jennifer Aniston? #grammys #barbara
I mean, So that's what happened to Jennifer Aniston #barbara #grammys.
I've been meaning to look Jenn up and see how her 85 year old ass is doing RT @caitinlv: Jen WISHES.

@HuffingtonPost I liked it back when it was called 'Express Yourself' and wasn't so boring.

http://www.youtube.com/aljazeeraenglish?feature=ticker - heavy shit.

You'll be fine. Shave and it'll stop. RT:@ConanOBrien: Just watched my show. Is it just me, or do I look like a women’s basketball coach?
RT @PeterGriffinn: Have you ever been so pissed at someone...jail almost seems worth it?

Hope someone lost their virginity. RT @adamlevine: BEST FLIGHT EVER. No contest. Bonds were formed. It was like summer camp in the sky.

Haha, Justin Bieber's going through a voice change. Welcome to endgame.

@Vanny_Del yeah I'm gonna have to see you in my office.
@stefanodimera why should you have time to read them? You're too busy planning world domination. I understand. It's why I like you.
IAWTC RT @drh3: OMG. NFL. BEP. FML

Greetings new followers - the check is in the mail!
Average day in my house. RT @Vanny_Del: Yep Kanye's mad cuz Drake stole his bucket of fried chicken.

Maddy woke me up to say school's closed for snow. Nice try kid, it never snows here. You can stay home cause you were creative & I love you.
Everyone should come live with me. It never snows/rains too much. No protests. Not because we're boring but that we know not to be assholes.

When Elliott Stabler says 'I've dealt with my fair share of kiddie diddlers' I pretty much lose it.
HOW IS EVERYBODAY?
This is good news. RT @Pixolita: @JohnMayerAsASim Hello old man! *flashes you*
Oooh, a tweet from a white chocolate bunny! RT @SugarPlumKelly: @JohnMayerAsASim Good! How are you? :)
Standing at attention for you RT @Pixolita: @JohnMayerAsASim I figure since I've never flashed you before, now is the RIGHT timeeee! Lol
I get no such things! RT @yearinla: @JohnMayerAsASim Hope you stocked up on the hemerrhoid cream before this winter storm hits.
Who amongst you followers is from the farthest away?
Dominican Republic, eh? Nice to hear from you! RT @dominicanjmfan: @JohnMayerAsASim Meee!
Yeah but he's never so far as hand's length away RT @bearheadedgirl: @JohnMayerAsASim *blink* You know... #SOKU is also Dominican... *cough*
@bearheadedgirl already done. how do you think i responded so quickly
@bearheadedgirl I DID IT IN THE SHOWER, HAHAHA
WHOA! And hello!RT @mandysdays: @JohnMayerAsASim Argentina, even farther :)
Putting a jungle gym outside. Maddy may be 17 but we can party like we're 12.

Let's be juvenile today.

@MayorEmanuel Lets go out drinking and setting fire to shit. I know some whores.
I'm just old, rich and tasteless.
@MayorEmanuel When he did so, I hope Carl was listening to 'Long Cool Woman' by the Hollies.

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen. http://www.behance.net/gallery/Your-beautiful-eyes/428809
Specifically this one, it's like there's a lake in the center of a brown sandy beach. http://twurl.nl/goggzj
sugarflowersltd asked: I think I found the real John Mayer. Am I correct? http://tumblr.com/xsr1bzhke7
Bend over girl, I'll be there in 3 days. Get Ready. RT @_drina: @SallyBlock I always knew you were The Real John Mayer.
Well then be ready to go again. RT @_drina: @JohnMayerAsASim I'll be long done in three days time.
Just like Jesus RT @_drina: @johnmayerasasim People really believe?
http://johnmayerasasim.tumblr.com - more to come.

@caitinlv Go for Blistex intensive care in the pink case.
Why would I start? It's painful. RT @caitinlv: @SafetyScissor @JohnMayerAsASim Stop bending the shafts.
John Belushi's Joe Cocker will always own. Learn it.
Ask not for whom the bone bones. It bones for thee.

@bob_reynolds YAY NEW YORK
Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it.
No I can't make out the license number but it'll be pulling a small church...
@caitinlv The NEW PHONE BOOK IS HERE!
@caitinlv My dear family. Today I found out what my special purpose was for.
@caitinlv Do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you can think of me?
@Triceratops88 as well you should!
It's not gonna be easy shitheadRT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim *plays "You Belong To Me" on a trumpet*
Is this the clink-boom episode of General Hospital? Of course, I'm asking for a friend...

@Pixolita get your chocolate ass in zorap
How can a helicopter open a door? #fanfictionaboutmyyoungerself
I've been reading some of that fanfiction about myself and seriously, it's just...well only some of it turns me on.. The rest of it, never.
@Pixolita I dunno...I haven't read any of it yet.

Tell MPJ that my fave skits were the Redneck Brothers, the Elevator skit and Doug, to name a few @lisalocicerogh
MSM is like prison - make someone your bitch on the first night or you're gonna die.
@caitinlv get up in hurr
Dear uncle jewfro Bobby @bobmaron - come on down to zorap.com/mcsafetyscissor. We miss you.
We're having a reading - zorap.com/mcsafetyscissor
@caitinlv get in hurr
You have shown me your internet boobs. Thank you. RT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim ( o )( o )

Deal with it, crackahs! There's a new sheriff in town! - Raineesha, Reno 911!
@caitinlv do not make me come out there. cause i will
BING BONG, HELLO! RT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim I'm changing my name to La'Quinta.
http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/
I have a towel I can't throw out cause it may have feelings - Dedication (film)

Time to pay my esquire bill...
Maddy goes back to classes today. She's looking at colleges too. If she comes home pregnant...Someone will die and it'll probably be me.
Seems like just last year she was a baby...wait a minute. IS SOMEONE FUCKING WITH MY LIFE?!
THIS DOES NOT SOOTHE RT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim Don't panic. Odds are Maddy will just fall for someone like you when you were her age.
I've actually been to visit her and I motorboated her hello/good luck! RT @caitinlv: Say a little prayer for our @bearheadedgirl y'all, ok?
RT @mitchfatel: Don't want to tell you how to live your life ladies but If I had a vagina I would take very good care of it & wash it often.

Oh @sarahpalinusa. Saying 'It's his fault, not mine,' and using too many words to do it.
Why won't Sarah Palin go away and realize that nothing she does is right?

@adamlevine for which song?
Reason #1 I love coffee - freshly ground beans remind me of pussy. Now you all now.

@SafetyScissor like George Carlin said, if it's got a zip code, I'll fuckin be there.
@yearinla you mean the plane-arium

@Pixolita She's not dead, you'll see her become a young woman
Oh, @Pixolita. That skinny fuck eats all my cheerios.
And I know I SHOULD be grateful that he left me my Ensure but no. Unacceptable. I bought those with my own Social Security checks. Asshole.
Life like this is NOT what I banged Taylor Swift to write 'Half of My Heart' for.
Don't be silly, @Pixolita. Everyone was wondering.
Maddy! She's like 18 now! http://twitpic.com/3oe4s0
Almost naked and searching for deeper meaning. The deepest meaning. Help me... http://twitpic.com/3oe57d
@Pixolita NO CHOLA EYEBROWS FOR MY BABY
@meeshell78 anyone knocks her up and they're dead

I'm right behind you @pixolita
@Pixolita she went away for a little bit. I think she got a facelift. I'll post a pic when I figure out how to work my smart phone. gahhh!
Ooooh, cops is on.
This bitch is 17 weeks pregnant and just got arrested for crack possession and under the influence of said crack. WINNER.
She's like Terry from Reno 911!, she doesn't care about her life, she was going to kill herself anyway. Wow.
Give her a pair of lollerskates, it's ovah.
Ooooh, what a night for me. I'm watching 'Cops: Bad Girls 4'
How disappointed am I that I've missed the first 3 installments? Hopefully it's just a misnomer.
And now this one girl just 'came out da cluuub' and found her car smashed into the side of a building. My wrinkled sack does not believe it.
Turns out, she hit her boyfriend after an argument in their car.
Elderly John Mayer - Investigative Reporter and Reviewer of Cops Episodes. WHO SAYS I DON'T HAVE A JOB AT THIS AGE!?
I'm your senior correspondent

Watching a Reno 911! cause I'm fucking bored with my old ass life.
Ask me anything!:) — THIS IS NOT A FUCKING QUESTION. NO. http://4ms.me/e2uGEr

Feeling incredibly nervous suddenly. No reason for it, either. The fuck? I BLAME YOU, INTERNETS

In Las Vegas for NYE 2011, I kept slipping and calling Jay-Z Reuben after watching Ocean's Eleven on the way to the club...
@rinygrin nope because i'm afraid people could take me :)
You've been looking up too much pornography and you've forgotten how the regular sheriff's computer works - Reno 911!

Should be up and running again soon with new strips. Anything you'd like to see me do? I still have no studio!
@lisalocicerogh that was a fine example of a small world

@BrandonBarash I met your girl @lisalociceroGH at a GAP in Albany NY last week. Very sweet, super nice. You are lucky to work with her!
@lisalocicerogh That was a weird, weird day. I completely agree!
Well I respect your honesty but I detest what you're being honest about - Bill Cosby.
@cockswithp I wear the match sets for myself. If you see them then good for you.

Should hopefully be up and running soon
Dedicated to all my chocolate bunnies...RT @Helen_Keller: Chesp haft tornp. Stapp memst. Chipotle.
WHAT THE FUCK SIMS 3?! YOU WERE AT 90% DOWNLOADED BEFORE

@lisalocicerogh I hope you don't think you look that way bc of any clothes you may have bought at my GAP on Tues. Hi again, btw (it's Sally)