JM, As a Sim

@steinein HA, and it hasn't even started doing shit there...
@steinein where are you located again?
OOOH, THEY'RE PLAYING 'ROAD TO NOWHERE' HERE! PAGING @KEVINMARSHALL
@steinein i already knew that. but are you close to albany or more poughkeepsie?
I cannot find my sims registration code...fuck
WOW, I was one number off of the first 4 alpha numeric code for the Sims 3 installer. Thanks to @t_rim for the suggestion.
Because I'll have y'all know, I HATED the last time i spoke with online support. Kind of went like this: http://twurl.nl/pyqkc1
SO help me, if I have to go back and fix Maddy's face so that she doesn't become fat with Chola eyebrows...
Should've gotten the wind-up version, @mertmij. If you do it right, by the time she's done, so are you.

This is why Walls cant find a date at 40 . RT: @Vanny_Del: Photo: OMGDFLSUPODHSDFDSFJDSFDSF FUCKING SIMS MAN…. http://tumblr.com/xta13y8ly9
Am picturing Keanu, circa your user image singing it RT: @bexter2001: "Young girl get out of my mind, my love for you is way outta line..."

Whack ass junk for immigrants! #SNL

I do this every day of my life...RT @adamlevine: I love playing Santa Claus. Jewish Santa Claus...
@evinhabey Don't know wtf you're talking about, spammer

Oh no, @rinygrin! I hate it when I accidentally things. Especially when I accidentally a boxes.
Meanwhile, nothing was said about it in stores. RT @cnnbrk: #Gap apologizes for "FEED USA" bags made in China. http://on.cnn.com/ht82vT
So basically, thanks for overreacting, housewives. RT @cnnbrk: #Gap apologizes for "FEED USA" bags made in China. http://on.cnn.com/ht82vT
@Vanny_Del will be there in less than 2 days

I forgot the soothing effect melatonin has when taken with Baileys and Essure.

@_DonDraper you need to put that in your prenup, bitch needs to know ahead of time just like all my exwives

Not sure what I'm doing. Not pushing any buttons. Itching myself indecently, as always.

@interfaithcakes Most of my cakes will be too cybernetically perfect to contend!
Behave yourself from now on or I'll break your neck

@caitinlv I enjoy you

I am now telling the computer EXACTLY what it can do with a lifetime supply of chocolate.
I always hated Charlie's mom in 'Willy Wonka.' That bitch's song 'Cheer up Charlie' basically taught him not to strive to be anything more.

Happy first night of Hanukkah, bubbies. Tomorrow is the first day.
What it's like when there's a birthday in my house http://tumblr.com/xsry2tkr7

@BobMaron missed your tweeting, Bobby!

NOT LESLIE NEILSEN! He married Dorothy in the final episodes of 'The Golden Girls.' Non-dominational Prayer circle for Betty White NOW!
@cablestiwa I don't know what or who you're talking about or who you are

@stefanodimera will be there in 3hrs.

@SafetyScissor It shouldn't hurt, they can vouch for your straightness.
http://johnmayerasasim.tumblr.com
Photo: http://tumblr.com/xsrrk1bwz
Wondering what the fuck this is? - Here’s an explanation as to what the fuck this is. Enjoy. http://tumblr.com/xsrrk267z
@Vanny_Del I love you, chocolate bunny :)
@Vanny_Del btw, tell your friends I now have a tumblr. My balls are tingling. Is this normal?
Wondering why the floor is sticky, @Vanny_Del? I just came.
Photo: I was horrible back then… http://tumblr.com/xsrrk33sa
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT? http://tumblr.com/xsrrk36dl
@Vanny_Del AS IF they were detachable.
@Vanny_Del don't knock it til you've tried it
@solarpowerspork and now it is an online game, or will be soon or something.
@solarpowerspork I look forward to this day.
@solarpowerspork twitter name @ gmail dot com
Good night kids. My balls need some sleep.
Photo: I like going for rides in cars… http://tumblr.com/xsrroxvbb
Photo: I was young and in love. I don’t remember her name. http://tumblr.com/xsrroycge
Photo: But she loved me, like nobody else. http://tumblr.com/xsrroyfx7
Photo: I mean, look at me. I was fucking hot back then. http://tumblr.com/xsrroyjno
Photo: So whatsername and I married, and immediately had a baby or something. http://tumblr.com/xsrroyr8q

Oh, @SafetyScissor really? you're doing the no homo bullshit? I had higher hopes for you.
@SafetyScissor I was gonna say, before you used it, everyone thought you were totes gay, including your first and last girlfriend :)

Please donate or pass the plate if you can. We're nowhere near the $500 registration deposit yet:http://twurl.nl/gm1ol0
Hi John, you might not remember me but I have had a cr… — I'm terribly confused. I'd rather not click a link be… http://4ms.me/b5Au3Z

Want to stalk me in my youth? Well Tryjm's back. But you have to kiss a lot of ass over there. Fuck that. visit @IOMNJM please.
Ahem, @Benjamin__Linus *whanna*
@Benjamin__Linus I miss our late night chats on the beach. I'll be back for a tune up soon enough...
Yay for my creator @sallyblock getting into massage school! Donate anything to her registration fund if you can - http://twurl.nl/2cb867
And yes, @sallyblock will accept pieces of yarn.
Goodnight everybody! Love - me and my balls!
@Nick_Sydney @chanosky Where the hale is Mr @bobmaron anyway? It's been a year since I've met him and I wanted to say thanks again for all.

Ladies and gentlemen: Tonight, I heard 'Dick in a Box' for the first time in a year. A romantic song, it truly stands the test of time.
Yeah but you have to be sure you know where it is first. @ProSexTips What's the best way to stimulate the economy? Always work the clit.
@ProSexTips Or else, what's the point, really?
Can I dip my balls in this chocolate sauce? I'm alone. I'd have to clean it off myself. @NOTCATSILVER @VANNY_DEL @CAITINLV COME HALP ME!
@Vanny_Del Because twitter fucked up their settings to allow such things.
@Zardoz5555 No, but my life would be infinitely more interesting if I could...

Tomorrow I shall be the king of laundry
@MeganRabren i feel the need to know the backstory behind this
@MeganRabren I don't want to catch The Dumb
Maddy is becoming a woman. I don't want to know anything about this. EVAR.
@katerspie which store?
Hey @katerspie tell him to suck a dick.
Hey, @notcatsilver will you talk to Maddy about feminine shit? I don't know a damn thing about it and don't want to traumatize her for life.

Good morning/afternoon everybody. My Darling Maddy needs some fashion advice for a first date. I'm going to kill the boy so nevermind.
Important 'In Living Color' clip - http://twurl.nl/i6pypl

Harro ladies
Please hekp someone make their dream come true! Donate or pass the plate. http://tumblr.com/xejp9ilr8

I like you RT@Chanosky: In Dallas this sunday night: will sign autographs to any of my fans who'll ask. And, ok, will hand 5 bucks, too.
@Chanosky and I like your style

Help a bitch out, my creator has a dream. RT: @SallyBlock: http://tumblr.com/xejp9ilr8”
My creator wants to go to massage school and needs your help. Donate or pass the plate. http://tumblr.com/xejp9ilr8
Hi kids. I miss you all and your Rita. Shlibbity schlorb. How are you this evening?
Rita should've been kids. Fucking auto correct.
@Uilos my old man balls and i are still confused..
@mindykaling Farookh Balsara

Please send me your self addressed stamped matzoh.

Happy birthday @vanny_del! Kleebity schlorb with love, my chocolate sex bunny.
Also, @vanny_del, Maddy sends her best and wants to take you shopping with my platinum visa. Go for it.
Every single time
No, not Jill Clayburgh...#RIP

Anybody want a 30% off coupon for GAP's Give and Get event? Respond and I'll follow you so you can DM me your email for the coupon.
The 30% Give and Get coupon is good for multiple uses 11/11-11/14 at Gap/Banana Repub/Old Navy and outlet stores & good for one online sale.

@conormichael I would host it and it would be the happiest episode ever.
Grow a backbone you dumb fuck. RT @nprnews: Bush Says Kanye West's Attack Was Low Point Of His Presidency http://n.pr/d8bytK

Christ, again? I'm sorry Lilly Allen, my thoughts are with ya. http://twurl.nl/0ao6md

@voose_lagina You mean Bon Jovi's not that guy who's best known for 'Who Says You Can't Go Home?' and 'Have a Nice Day.'
@voose_lagina anyone who doesn't know that needs to diaf.
I'm either high on Mucinex or Richard Alpert just walked into my starbucks
Good morning from Meth Mountain: http://twurl.nl/p402s3
I scared my granddaughter Maddy this morning when she woke me up, wasn't expecting me to have dark brown hair. She ignores that I was famous
Lots of hot MILFs coming to my house this evening for candy. Where's my wife? Beating them down on the lawn for hitting on me.
@Pikabee but i still lurve ya, as an old perverted man

Someone help this guy, fast:http://twurl.nl/5xvxsm
Tonight for halloween, I'm going out as my younger self. Took me 4 hours and 9 bottles of L'Oreal Feria to dye all the white out of my hair.
As for the wrinkles, fuck you all. You'd still jump on my sack regardless and I'd still let you :) #halloweencostumes
In my experiend with anal sex: digital is always preferred to analog. Happy Halloween.

@SafetyScissor I don't remember which daughter/grandaughter of mine you married and I don't care. You're a cool chap.
@voose_lagina don't worry, the real Mo'Nique appears and hugs you with her Oscar!
@SugarPlumKelly goodnight my darling...
Oh! I kicked your asses out and kept Maddy. Wonder where you guys went. RT @SafetyScissor: @JohnMayerAsASim the one with the dick lips.

Grampa Johnny is sick, kids. Send me your money and booze and bring your sexy asses to my manse.
How many of you could be here in three days or less? I'M LOOKING AT YOU.
RANDOM FOLLOWING SPREE COMMENCING NOW!
Hey @bobmaron! Where are you these days?
@_DonDraper A belated congrats on your engagement...?
Welcome to the new people I'm following. I'd give a shoutout but I'm tired and my old man balls itch from the sweat I worked up adding you.
GOODNIGHT EVERYBUDDDDDAY!
@voose_lagina That was Mo'Nique and she'll beat your ass down for confusing her with Latifah

@ApoloOhno Wait...Orlando and Saratoga Springs? Where are you?

Another day, another Baileys/Ensure cocktail

here at starbucks with maddy. she's turning 16 soon and wants a speedster
Maddy also wants to dye her hair blonde.
so is #kanye's video supposed to be a sampler of his new album? I don't care. I'm impressed.
@kweenie Who knows where your life will take you? You may end up there someday.
@kweenie then have a weekend with friends. who says your husband is the one you have to go with? His loss.
Goddamn Kanye. Why you gots to be so attention starved?
That angel chick looks like Tina Turner in Mad Max #runawayvideo

RT @NZAfro: "Hey! I really love those Crocs you're wearing, they go so well with your outfit!" - said no one ever.
You know I have a kid with you, right? #theoffice

Tend to the widow Pacman

@Vanny_Del I've been there for three days...
WORRY NOT, my chocolate maiden, @Vanny_Del. I carry Xanagra with me at all times: xanax and viagra, FDA backstock.
I love foursomes! #madmen
#FuckCosgrove1965
YOU BEST STOP TALKING NOW #madmengifsthatneedtobemadenow
@katerspie back the fuck off, Harry
HAY @VANNY_DEL @CAITINLV, ANSWER THIS! RT @katerspie: @JohnMayerAsASim ARE YOU DECENT.
sit and spin
OMFG, LIKE A VACATION? #MADMEN
@SugarPlumKelly yeees
I've always wanted Don to be with a brunette.
Oh #hotdads. I like.
Yeah, cause kids eat lemons for treats and shit #madmen.
Truth RT @KevinMarshall: Don Draper is quite possibly the most successful fuck-up in history. #MadMen
THAT'S BULLSHIT #MADMEN
Way to try and be a man, emphasis on "try," Don #madmen
This is the only time that I've actually liked Blondie. Call him out on his shit #madmen
I KNEW SHE WAS STILL PREGNANT #MADMEN
enjoy your spoilers, everybody else
How come nobody brought me those pot brownies I ordered? @vanny_del, I waited hours for you to put them out and nothing happened. I am sad.
@caitinlv Simple, your mom
@Vanny_Del that's where you've been

You are not a moderator. Quit suggesting shit.

Gotta love being at the Apple store when this is announced: iPad Coming to Verizon Wireless and AT&T Stores
Dear Apple store dude - it's Alzheimers not Alltimers.
You guys are walking in slow-mo? #reasonswhychevychaseismyhero
Why are you better looking in your memory? #30rock
THIS is what it took to get Rachel Dratch on 30 Rock?
Probably my favorite new episode this season. RT @Danny_DeVito: #sunnyfx white trash split
My birthday is in two days. GUESS HOW OLD I WILL BE?

How are we today, children? I am fine.
I should really post some photo updates of my life these days. Maybe tonight. Look forward to that.
Why do they ask for Area Code first at tech support? WHERE ELSE WOULD I PUT IT? AT THE END OF THE NUMBER?
Everyone STFD, MATTHEW MCCAUGHNAGHAHAHAHEGY WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND ON MYSPACE.

Someone on MSM just voluntarily explained who Houdini was. 1) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 2) ARE YOU THAT STUPID? 3) Do you think WE'RE that stupid?
Looks as though the new GAP logo didn't last for long.
@stefanodimera You're probably the father of half of them. That would make them respectable.
Raise your dick if you don't care about Brett Favre? Oh look at that...

Ate chicken korma too late at night. It was lovely but still, terribly taxing on my stomach this late. Someone come over and massage me.
Mr. Cee-Lo Green and his fabulous new single,"F**k You" ♫ http://twt.fm/463243
When did they redo the family guy opening credits?
I like them, they make me hate Lois a little less #familyguy
@EX0TICM00NFLWER allo!
Books are jerks!
@EX0TICM00NFLWER I never did thank you for the rosh hashanah card. Thank you!
Fart jokes on Mad Men
Don looks SO out of place. #madmen
Well Betty, you are a goddamned child #madmen
FOR SOME REASON ALWAYS SHOUTING #familyguy

Look at me being a quiet old man for once...

This caught my eye - @thefinebros - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTzStqsHbOY
I'll just sit here and play with myself. This is a common thing as of late.
Yep, that's about what it sounds like when you play with them all fast like...RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim *cough* Schtlork?

Why are you voting Republican? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExzINsaq4LI
Won't you sing along with these hot women? http://is.gd/fLjvi
Did I just solved the crime? #Lawandorder
I really effing hate Christine Lahti on Law & Order
I'd go into zorap but my connection is hella slow. Happy early birthday @caitinlv. You are one of my favorite people in this world!
Last chance - who wants to massage my balls? I shaved today. It's easier.

Just read @johncmayer's latest Tumblr. Sounds like he's recouped and ready for a fight. I'm impressed and will watch.
You'd better be concerned with identity theft. RT @caitinlv: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! His name is my name too.
Can you find me a girl to have sex with? #GH #OldManWithNoLife
Favorite guilty pleasure: the last line of every Law & Order episode. They're so cheesy.
'You've Got Mail' is on AMC.
Sometimes I wonder what cats are thinking when they stare at me. Then I change my mind because it's probably something to do with their ass.
Ding. Ding RT @MCSafetyScissor: @Pixolita *areola salute*
If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me #familyguy

@yearinla jealous...
Are you ready to choke a man over a vote? #SNL #themorningafter
If you cry, it's shawshank #snl #themorningafter
@Pixolita You are still my favorite drunk chocolate bunny
Jason Sudeikis' running man is my fave thing about the 'What's up with that?' skits
Woke up with a boner this morning. WHERE IS MY WIFE?!?!?!?!?!
@CogitatedMind I want to adopt that.
@notcatsilver why hello...
Mad Men time: let's reminisce about my youth
@solarpowerspork what was I doing? was it awesome?
That chick has a Marcy Darcy haircut #madmen
Oh, now Cosgrove is your best friend? Fuck off, Kenny #madmen
Oh Roger...you're a dick #madmen
I feel like Roger's a liar and so he deserves a surprise baby from Joan #madmen
STFU Roger, you're a goddamned manchild #madmen
HAHA Shorty doesn't know how to deal with sexuality #madmen
Don't bring me any of that Godfather bullshit #madmen
Well I didn't think about you because I was off fucking my secretary #madmen

I'm going to pick a random follower and start stalking their twitter for two days. This is like that bid for a celebrity thing ONLY free.
Naked and on the computer. Balls are in a Ball Snuggie (Patent Pending).
Is Montreal a safe city to go and walk around alone for the weekend? Thoughts?

@boomstyx I dunno but we should get that shit trending.
Can Nick Swardson just do an entire show where he's just Terry from Reno 911? A hand job is still a job...
RT @uknowimadreamer: Very funny: http://huff.to/cYYWvO Huffpost - 17 Things Every Women's Magazine Will Tell You (That You Should Ignore)
I wish I got pimped out by @iomnjm. I'm an emotional whore tonight and that site is awesome.
I always end up dropping the ball... http://twitpic.com/2trxzd
http://twitpic.com/2trxzd - Everybody cut footloose! Kick off your Sunday shoes!
I remember 1939: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q1yyoe377k
@ShenaniganJenn You do and you are close to becoming my best friend for doing so...
@MCSafetyScissor I love tracing shit back to the beginning.
Quahog Creek - I don't wanna wait for my lunch to get colder why can't I eat it now...the new toyota I want the car that's got a lot of gas
You saw me on that boat, I was wearing a blazah #familyguyrepeats
@ShenaniganJenn It makes sense.

Up early to mall walk and look at hot chicks who work in the food court. Wife's at work, Maddy's at school. Walls has a girlfriend?!?!?!
Drugs during childbirth? Isn't the whole point feeling God punish you? #30rock
How many guys out there have been to Canada twice? #30Rock
Con Artist Pam, you own my heart...#theoffice
YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID #OFFICESECRETARY
WHY ISN'T MY LIFETIME WORKING? i want to be making fun of designers...

Everybody here is equally kind, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine...

Maddy's giving me a manicure. I don't quite understand but damn if these nails don't look purty.
@_drina She's on her way and since she's younger, she'll be there in 24 hours. Given that she's now 13, she can babysit your daughter :)
@_drina I SHALL ALSO BE THERE IN 24 HOURS
@_drina i like the resistance
Rotten.com never updates anymore. This makes me a sad old man...
@uknowimadreamer Newer than my balls and a bigger waste of time.
@bearheadedgirl however difficult, I'm proud of you for even attempting to do so :)
@bobmaron WHERE YOU AT, SON?

RIP Gloria Stuart, elderly Rose from Titanic, I wish you love and peace in the ever after. #rip
kind of stoned, we should play Ask Elderly John and his Balls! Fun for all ages!
Him unhappy he had you in the first place...
Counting the stars in Orion's penis...#familyguyquotesoutofcontext
Really, nobody has questions for my stoned old man balls? FINE? I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND PLAY WITH THEM.

Working in Albany is kind of like SNL- it's got a lot of character, it's fun for 10 minutes and then you want it to be over - Gov. Patterson
I missed you, Amber! And how she didn't even try to cover her leg right there...
OOOH, LANE'S DATING A BLACK GIRL! LOVE IT!
baby would have been born a racist, yelling silver haired asshole #madmen

RT @michaelianblack: Pizza for dinner two nights in a row because I'm a motherfucking grown-up and I can do whatever I want. Suck it, kids.
WHY HAVEN'T THEY FIRED KRISTIN WIIG YET?! #SNL
I love this opening of SNL tonight oh so badly.
MAYA RUDOLPH! BRONX BEAT! SNL!

WTF Stephen Colbert on Law & Order, Criminal Intent?
That girl just bitchslapped Ice-T.

@JoeGause94 please stay away from me with that sort of propaganda spam. Thanks
Maddy got a 99 on her first Algebra test. Took her out for drinks tonight!
Happy LOST Anniversary - Sept 22 2004.
RIP Eddie Fisher. it was always nice partying with you.

Facebook is inviting me to join the JCPenney online baby registry. No. NO MORE BABIES. No vasectomies either but NO MORE BABIES.
Stewie Griffin: Uh, yeah, we couldn't run an ad that said no Portuguese but, um, no Portuguese.

Hey uhm...@vanny_del. schblortchchhha knorrrrbity
Dear Melatonin: my old man balls and I love you.

Sally Draper is going to become such a fucking hippie. I can't wait. #madmen

It's the Betty White episode: I always loved our special nights together, Ms. Betty

Let us repent for our sins, fellow jews.
Ever wanna ask me anything? My old man balls and I are awake and ready to pony on up. Bring it.

What up, narcolepsy? I nearly passed out behind the wheel on the way to pick up Maddy.
@chanosky Have you paged me at any airports lately? I've become an airport lounge singer.
Look at me. Look at me being incredibly bored tonight because the wife is away. I'll play with my balls until I fall asleep.
@solarpowerspork thank you, i'm trying

@Pixolita on mah way
@thomaslennon the GAP.
What is it about this place that makes people walk like fucking rhinos? Tread lightly.
Wow look at them taking shots at Tony Held on MSM too...bunch of dicks.
RT @SugarPlumKelly: @JohnMayerAsASim Jealousy is never pretty. SMH
@beyondthepiphan bitch, you know that theatre is too condemned to be given the national chain name of AMC
@beyondthepiphan I love you
@caitinlv For that I'll be there in 2 days
@beyondthepiphan sorry, don't do asians
@beyondthepiphan No, you always yell at me for getting samples from you in the foodcourt and never ordering. I feel uncomfortable.
@bearheadedgirl you don't put extra butter OR salt on kettle corn.
*thinks there are too many people doing *this* on his twitter feed* *doesn't know what to do with his elderly life anymore* shuffles around*
@caitinlv oh girl, the crank has not left my old man balls
I'll be waiting RT @beyondthepiphan: @JohnMayerAsASim Brace your sack.
Oh, these Law & Orders are ripped from the headlines.
@MCSafetyScissor what are you trying to define ficus as?

Harold Gould, Miles of the Golden Girls, is dead. It's down to you BETTY WHITE to live until the end of time!
@yearinla Naw, he and I were out drinking/partying at least four times last week. I love him and he will be missed
WTF at my internet connection being a piece of crap tonight. not happy.
This is why i cry...
I agree @yearinla, if your life is directly affected by @johncmayer leaving Twitter, your problem is bigger than John Mayer leaving Twitter.
ONTD article about John Mayer quitting Twitter. The comments are gold. http://is.gd/f9yUA
@yearinla And even if he doesn't will anyone's life really be worse off? No. Here's a tampon.

Sweetheart, why are we awake if we're not going to have relations? Don't confuse me.
@mertmij get a room...with a giant flatscreen. Yay, no Kristen Wiig!!!!
Fine!! I'm going back to sleep, where I can at least DREAM of a blowjob.
@notcatsilver girl you gon get it, tonight.
@SLSCJR14 uhm ok. I was at work all this time but if you wanna be pissy about it....
Then I guess there's a point to gussing up after all. @Chanosky: Right, @Pixolita, we expect to have our fun later : )
Ellen should have hosted. #VMA
Thank you RT @AfterElton: Are we calling Kim Kardashian a "Fashion Icon" now? Her most famous act wasn't wearing clothes. #AEVMA
Hitting mute doesn't stop me from being annoyed with you, Mr. Bieber #VMA Go through puberty and see if your fans stick around.
DROP HIM! ON HIS SOFT SPOT! #VMA
VMA cameramen know it's so bad that they pan out to the city instead of being up close. #VMA
STOMP STOMP STOMP JUMP. STOMP STOMP STOMP JUMP. I'm justin Bieber. Gonna do some lines of crack off of Kim Kardashian's ass now #VMA
There's still time. RT @AfterElton: I have trouble taking Usher seriously now that he doesn't perform shirtless. @AEVMA
I'm giving kudos to Usher for his performance tonight. He brought it and let us know he still had it #VMA
@ecctv wait, you mean there are people out there who don't understand you're just one human being?
Fear not @johncmayer followers: I assure you, I reestablish my twitter account in under a month.
In the meanwhile, I look forward to your continued patronage and mutual loyalty. I wonder why the tumblr account didn't diaf as well...
Switched to Mad Men where they're playing Rolling Stones' Satisfaction.
Don't call Peggy 'Mom.' She's gonna ask you to DIAF #madmen
Dinty Moore = Bachelor Chow #madmen #futurama
I LOVE episodes like this #madmen
Way to sweet talk, lady, it makes us older men really want to be with you when you pressure us into shit we don't want #madmen
Betty, you look like a goddamned child. Grow the fuck up #madmen
FIRE HIM AND GET YOURSELF JOAN POINTS. ELEVENTY BILLION AND ONE. #MADMEN
@SLSCJR14 I'm talking about Mad Men.
It's just a twitter account. You'll be okay without it. We'll all be okay without @johncmayer tweeting all the time.
@mamadeetz ha, no, i'm not him and i'm not as talented as him. but those 3 million followers gotta go somewhere
'let's have a toast for the douchebags, let's have a toast for the assholes.' oh kanye, you're a poet.he'
Oh a toast for the jerk-offs too...
@SLSCJR14 watching kanye west
@SLSCJR14 i don't like justin biebs
@mamadeetz So long as the tweets aren't harrassing or annoying, I'll respond. Or if I'm in a bad mood or busy, I'll respond.
Finally got that blowjob I'd been searching for. Thanks ladies. 12 hours later...
I have a lot of followers on my twitter feed losing their shit over JM deleting his twitter. Unless he constantly tweeted at you, chill out
Am I missing something? Is it a bigger deal that he left twitter and I just don't see it? Enlighten me.
Maybe I'll head over to MSM and see the wank that's most likely ensued over this.
The only thing I can say for sure is that times like this, it'd be great if TRYJM got off it's ass and out of maintenance mode. #unpopular
Got several on the nightstand by my bed. RT @Vanny_Del: *hands out boxes of kleenex*
@JM94x hahaha no. better give up on it and wait for something else better to come along :)

@t_rim familywatchdog.com
ANNIE HALL ON IFC!
Kudos and happiness to my beloved wife @notcatsilver for getting her seats upgraded at the FL show.
@dmactree why is that ROFL?
@dmactree no joke, she really did get upgraded

@johncmayer dirty pillows not withstanding, was that in that tumblr pic?
RT @Pixolita: .... because you're probably wondering..... it's 1:32AM and I'm not wearing a bra. Thanks for listening. #BrasAreForSuckers
Oh great let's just put your political beliefs into your fanfic. No, that's not obvious.
Wow, Law & Order repeat with the pregnancy pact.
Holy shit, pregnant chicks hanging themselves on #SVU? #USA
@SLSCJR14 I am funny and cute, this is why I don't fix your grammar for you :)

@MCSafetyScissor fuck, are you guys still in that zorap?
Could have used you during my 1st marriage...
You meant that for me and I accept RT @Vanny_Del: @johncmayer Take care of yourself, old man.
@Vanny_Del it's a replacement be careful
Older men are hotter anyway RT @bearheadedgirl: @Vanny_Del @johncmayer won't be old until NEXT month.
Steve Martin's Penis Creme RT @Vanny_Del: @johncmayer Keep it up and you're gonna need more than old man brand lube and roller skates.
Dear @johncmayer - we've hijacked your zorap and are going to decorate it with inflatable penises. Come join.

THEY TOOK OUR JOBS! Episode is on right now
@adamlevine SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!
"Well help yourself to a fuckin' science book, cause you're talking like a fuckin' retard." - South Park, Goobacks.
@Triceratops88 THEY TURK DE DRRRRPS
MANBEARPIG!
RIP Cousin Otho - http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100908/ap_en_ot/us_obit_glenn_shadix
@caitinlv He shoots porn up there. I have some old videos.
Quantum Leap reference on The Daily Show. My night is complete.
If you have to ask... RT @bob_reynolds: Are you in?

@johncmayer I'm going to school in the spring to be a massage therapist. Hire me to go on tour with you and this will never be a problem.
I am that old mall walker every morning. Say hi next time.

Dear @vanny_del you would be happy/turned on to know that my hair is super soft today...for an old man.
NEW STRIP COMING TO YOU
Sorry I pissed y'all off on MSM today. It's hard out there trying to get a life when unlike you, I don't have 500-2,000 posts. SORRAY.
Whoahoah here she comes, watch out boys @sallyblock will chew you up. Whoa-oh here she comes, she's a maneater.
I LOOK SO FUCKING SEXY AND YOUNG TODAY. Let me be your silver fox. Also, a life tip and a shoutout to the shorties http://twitpic.com/2lku61
http://twitpic.com/2lku61 - Watch out watch out watch out...it's better than @bobmaron's jewfro I tried out a few months ago. Happy Sunday.
@_Tomtlxk WTF?? SPAM? Not clicking that til I know what it is

People can't just get together and fuck anymore, they have to put it on their calendar and make sure it all works out. No.
Musical happiness at the GAP - The Bird and the Bee "Private Eyes" ♫ http://twt.fm/458828

@Pixolita don't think that exists. isn't it half of my heart which leads into it?

Happy 90210 day indeed: Luke Perry is on this episode of Law and Order SVU on USA right now.
Didn't see the @johncmayer show last night because I was busy getting laid. Thanks @catdsilver for your contributions :)
http://twitpic.com/g6fup - HAPPY 1ST TWITTERVERSARY TO ME! - HERE'S MY FIRST STRIP!
Hooray, a happy ending for the rich people! #zoidberg #futurama

I love fanfiction about myself. Good morning to me.
8am is too early for illegal uses of the ellipses.
Ooooh, my brother Carl's in this one...
Serious case of batwings going on right now. Y'all hear me? Yes. Good.
Been there, and someone always ends up dying a little inside. RT @sethmeyers21: So we're divorced but still living together? #Iraq
8 followers until 400. Twitterversary in two days...
Up early in the morning for renovations to the manse. I'm going to fall asleep in the backyard and wake up with red skin, I know it.

@tonyheld http://twitpic.com/2jkjxt - I dunno, man. That Kingdom of Magic sounds pretty enticing.
PSA I have the balls of a 30 year old man. No joke. They're not in a jar or anything. Steve Martin's Penis Cream helps.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET CHOCO LOVER @PIXOLITA!

RT @Vanny_Del: We're all Jewish when the lights go out.
@pixolita DICKIE ROBERTS IS ON TV DOWN HERE. It reminds me of our passionate night of love making
@caitinlv because it's been a really emotionally focockted day and it's really hard to explain. for once it's not a daughters issue
@caitinlv Please do. I don't need it in my genecticazoink
@Vanny_Del All the bitches love it
I'd be in Zorak but I really need this chat I'm having with my old girlfriend Kate at the moment.
And bruce lee's cousin...
Saw some mall walkers this morning, one of whom resembled my father. We spoke. It was him. He's now going to live with us. I love my life.
HURLEY! #EMMYS
This is the only time I've ever liked Glee. Mark it, children #emmys
OH SNAP #conan #emmys
John Hamm and Betty White: Dream OTP #emmys
CAMERON!!!!!!!!!
@Pixolita http://twitpic.com/2jij0o - Girl, I miss you.
Good. May you never win, Kristin Wiig #emmy
RT @solarpowerspork: my heart will always go to steve carrell, though. michael scott is my hero.
@AfterElton Boyz II Men.
Them makes me two looks good spoken #emmys #favequotes
STFU newbie #madmen
John Aniston is on tonight's Mad Men. Love it.
How about 'I'm Don Draper and I'm fucking drunk'? #madmen
"You smell good." - Don Draper. how caveman basic is that?
I can work like this, let's get liberated. I love you, Peggy. #mad Men.
He's thinking about how much he loves her boobs #madmen
YOU HAVE NO IDEAS #madmen
ewww Cosgrove #madmen
You'd better fuck him up #madmen
O ok #madmen
Six followers away from a 400th follower. Epic secrets about my past will be revealed. And photos of my underwear. #promises
It'll be lovely RT @Papa_C_Los: @JohnMayerAsASim .*crosses fingers*
SHE IS NOT THE BOSS OF YOU, *I* AM THE BOSS OF YOU! #FuturamaQuotesPertainingToMyDick.

@johncmayer I wish you'd written a song about letting someone back into your life after they've hurt you and not knowing where to go with it
@johncmayer you probably have already written that song but I can't find it and I need to. HELP ME, MINIONS
@yearinla that's more from Offender's POV, isn't it? ;)

Eight more followers until 400. That's when I reveal huge secrets from my past!
@Chanosky you're awesome and I wish I were there.
Hey @anon_honesty, funny that people can't just ask @vanny_del/@mcsafetyscissor/@nick_sydney if they're you, they have to ask you. WTF.
@Vanny_Del This mercury in retrograde shit isn't over yet, is it?
@Vanny_Del well fuck mine and @sallyblock's lives. We're feeling it.
Maddy just came back from Staples with @notcatdsilver saying that we should all go to @johncmayer's show in the Philippines, front row.
@Nick_Sydney I know it's not you. I hate anonypants bullshit like that and I appreciate @anon_honesty for not playing the game.

@johncmayer - "You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses." I love it.

Jesus I want you.
love it RT @MCSafetyScissor: @JohnMayerAsASim If you were female, and not old. I would want you too.

My balls hurt.
THAT 11 MINUTE EPILOGUE DIDN'T ANSWER SHIT.
'Chances Are' is on. Remember that movie? A young Cybill Shepard? I hit it, back in the day. We were both grateful.

And you never once paid for drugs. NOT ONCE.
@MCSafetyScissor AWESOME!

If Fake Locke wanted to get off the island so bad, why didn't he find the donkey wheel and gtfo?
@caitinlv I want steamed prunes. Thank you.
IS THIS A SALLY DRAPER EPISODE?!?!?!?!?! #MADMEN
Thanks Joan, how incredibly relevant
I hate the term 'broken homes.'
dude, like your bitch daughter never fiddles. Real Sallys never apologize for that shit. #madmen
Way to set your daughter up for a teenage life as a sex crazed hippie #madmen.

Invite good people into your life who accept you when you fuck up and you'll be golden.
Spending the day killing/threatening small children at the mall. Please know you were warned.
@Pixolita I miss you, Canadian Chocolate Bear.
Pets, like that baby you left in the dumpster at the prom, should be seen and not heard.
Today, I learned that squirrels hop, they do not run.
Then I ate it and shot fire from my palms at my enemies. Much carnage was had and I enjoyed it all. http://twitpic.com/2gxr3a
The Give and Get is Here! http://t.co/vWjkWBo Print and save 30% off your entire purchase next weekend at Gap/Banana Republic/Old Navy!
@caitinlv there were one or two episodes of Roseanne but that's it.

Room is open - use your nuts to get in - zorap.com/sallyb
There's a new zorap update, brb
@johncmayer you should visit our zorap. we're reading stories inspired by you zorap.com/sallyb the password is nuts
Actually now @johncmayer and @tonyheld now we're in zorap, watching stupid videos and making fun of fanfic. zorap.com/sallyb pw: nuts
Nevermind we're all bouncing from teh room
As you is checking your seat today...
If you that ign'ant you need to get off the plane.
Saw a girl at the mall today with a bump that was bigger than hers RT @Pixolita: @tonyheld @sonnydisco #havegreatmoments Snooki is rad!
Okay, I lied. We haven't left my zorap yet. zorap.com/sallyb pw is nuts.

I didn't know I was 16 and Pregnant: http://is.gd/eoaUZ Dammit Redondo!
@johncmayer oh. Good, it's not a Real Doll.
Good morning from my cranky, gassy ass. I'm going to shut down the nearest GAP so Maddy can do some school shopping. What new with you all?
RT @FakeAPStylebook: It is perfectly acceptable to split an infinitive, especially if you haven't brought enough for everybody.
Give and Get is here! http://t.co/vWjkWBo
@SLSCJR14 Absolutely serious about it and a portion of every purchase goes towards a good charity.
I always liked Ted from Scrubs. The littlest things made him happy.
The next few tweets are about my midlife crises and issues that I had when I was in my mid-50s. It started when I made bad investments.
When I was 55, I lost a lot of money in the stockmarket and sold the rights to 'Your Body is a Wonderland' to several small radio chains.
This is why if you drive through certain states you can still hear 'If you want grub, we'll bake it' playing on top 40 stations.
Right @sarahpalinusa because this is the first time Dr. Laura has ever offended someone on her radio show.
Jesus Christ I'm a horny old man tonight. "An?" Whatever.
Watching Project Runway with Maddy and the wife. WTF why aren't they giving the contestants iPads for the show? They're better for you.
Wow, so apparently in fanfiction, you can write questions in dialog without inserting a question mark. #thingsivelearnedtoday #@johncmayer
There needs to be another reading room zorap for this chapter of fanfic. @caitinlv where are you?
@bearheadedgirl i know, i wasn't sure if she was on her way back yet :(
@caitinlv i'll start it up
zorap.com/sallyb the pw is still nuts, i believe

@johncmayer psst it's ok. I still love ya. Ok, younger version of me? No, this isn't fucking creepy.

Oh good, Dr. Laura is ending her radio show. @kingsthings Tell her good riddance.
@kingsthings It sounds like Dr. Laura is running away from the one form of media in which she can be immediately told she's wrong. Good.
@kingsthings Nobody needs to say the N-word on the radio.
@kingsthings Black people are not a special interest group.
Dr. Laura would be respectable if she stayed on the radio despite the hatred towards her. Running away shows she's weak
@ILikeRicksList Jade?
@ILikeRicksList Oh, nevermind. i'm a dumbass :)
TRUFAX RT @yearinla: that's enough, @justinbieber.

@Triceratops88 I apologize and yet don't apologize :)
Oh...oh my. New fanfic at an hour ago o'clock
Triple Intervention
@johncmayer dump the whole thing in there and keep drinking
Anyone want an invite to save 30% during the GAP Give and Get weekend Aug. 26-29? Let me know. DM me your email. Proceeds go to charity.

BTW I'm not @RJfMW_AsASim but I appreciate what they do. AWESOME NINJAS!
Letters to penthouse - I miss weed.
Come back to me Ron_Majors! I love you...
My most recent, smelly effort: http://twitpic.com/2epaxh
Did Peggy just get checked out by a lesbeeeen?
@katerspie hahaha, Pete's a dumbass. He knows he's already a dad and gets to fake being all new to it, just like Peggy.
@katerspie I feel like she's gonna lose it...
@katerspie his only REAL child is with Peggy anyway...
Joan Holloway in a room of brunettes. Yessir...
I dunno, Faye, that chick at the end doesn't fit the bill as much...
@katerspie Screw her. Let her adopt.
Ahem...GOT? No. Always was. RT @anidee: Lisa Lampinelli got realllllllly dumpy :/
That lady in red is this close to punching her in the face for stealing her thunder #madmen
Faye's a bitch #madmen
If that girl's pregnant...#madmen
How very Kelly Kapoor of you, Peggy #madmen
@katerspie Yeah and fuck Ponds, too. In my younger and more drag years, it clogged my pores.
Has a woman ever actually told Don Draper off and lived to tell about it?
THIS RT @katerspie: LOL PEGGY.
Nope, not pretentious, just a lezbeen. #madmen
Trufax: Whenever anything happens on Mad Men I assume that it's because someone is pregnant.
HAHA, dumbass. You went to a salon and spent $15 on a wash you could have gotten at a store for $2.99 or less.
Is that Clarissa Explains It All's dad?????? #madmen
BEATNIKS AND LEZBEENS! #MADMEN
PEGGY'S DOING THE POT!
HE DOESN'T OWN YOUR VAGINA! #MADMEN
WTF at this video? Is it a Dharma Initiative training video? #lost #madmen
HAVE FUN GETTING A BONER AT WORK NOW #madmen
Peggy is so gifable this season #madmen

Listening to the Saratoga @johncmayer @train show, once again...
@johncmayer Upon listening to the Saratoga show, I see what you did there by playing a Jay-Z "bass line" before "Heartbreak Warfare"
Now playing: D.O.A. by Jay-Z.
A note from the future: Jay and Beyonce have beautiful children and Maddy marries one of their sons. Never been more proud.
New strip loading in 4, 3, 2, 1...
Faaaaart. Suckers: I totally knew it was happening. Original @johncmayer tweet http://is.gd/ehBk3 http://twitpic.com/2epaxh
http://twitpic.com/2eqfwo
@bob_reynolds I miss playing my tenor sax. Your Selmer is amazing. What year/mark is it?
@caitinlv again? Fucking wonderful.
zorap.com/sallyb you need these nuts to get in.
@Vanny_Del done
@Vanny_Del @caitinlv i'll be waiting
Maddy's giving me a manicure. The. Fuck.
The secret word is...nuts

@johncmayer Have fun playing in Cvntahoga Falls. Use protection.
What am I going to do this weekend?
WHO am I going to be doing this weekend? RT @kisstheground: @JohnMayerAsASim isn't the question WHO?
Yay, @notcatsilver you have returned to me
The wife is home. Time for a threeway.
Thank you, Jeopardy, for reminding me how good I was at algebra.
@kisstheground Because you assume that by the time I've reached this old age, I've learned every lesson I could. Possibly not happening.
SEE EVERYBODY, I'M SEXY! RT @kisstheground: @JohnMayerAsASim hmmm... naw, i think i like the MEMEME aspect of it. also, you have nice hips.
@kisstheground I'LL TAKE IT.
Nope @kisstheground. Ask @caitinlv and @vanny_del. I always make the house visits and promise to be there in three days.

In the word of Borat: I have not come to Hollywood to fight a man dressed as Hitler
http://tweetphoto.com/38407318 @adamlevine You know you can't just find winning score boards with your name on it.
Happiness. Enjoy it or die. http://i45.tinypic.com/2jfhclg.gif
How will Jose get any pussy if he doesn't graduate on time? Shit, man...
What if, Utahraptor, what if? @titovsmothra?
Making it rain pennies at the strip club with my whiteboy protege, @titovsmothra

The John Mayer as a Sim sex tape will be available in May 2011: it's retrospective and includes my best hits from my 30s onward.
I enjoy late night booty calls while the wife is away.
TIME TO SHOUT OUT ALL THE WRONG ANSWERS TO JEOPARDY!
Anyone have a recording of the Mansfield show yet? I want to download 'Boys of Summer.'
That's it: I want a fucking turtle.
The Family Guy Abortion episode... http://is.gd/edHpC
Watching Monster with the wife.
@caitinlv HA
@Pixolita Also don't forget the pregnancy tests

@Elizabethbanks it's okay, you don't have to. MadTv did a sketch to help with that: http://is.gd/eaUPg
@vanny_del who is this @moegreeb fellow you re-tumblr-ed earlier? He's hot and needs to move to Albany so I can adore from up close?
@Vanny_Del I would have sent that from my @sallyblock account but then he wouldn't have seen me hitting on him. Important details.
@Vanny_Del OF COURSE HE IS. THEY ALL ARE.
@Vanny_Del For some reason, i'm thinking of that song 'tag team'
Terrible terrible bat wings today. Tried pouring some powder down my boxers and it didn't help. Now you know what I wear on my balls.
RT @Jim_Wolf: Album Release Tonight at Bowery Electric - 327 Bowery St.... corner of 2nd - NYC of course. Doors at 7pm.
My other Dominic needs to learn how to drive. He can't use my celebrity status to get him out of trouble fore http://twitpic.com/2dj8rq

Thanks @johncmayer and @train. That was a great concert. And thanks to Pat Monahan for holding my hand for half a second.
http://www.Zorap.com/sallyb - Go to spac to get in. Wonderful post @johncmayer @train show.
@mertmij You should have gone to the Bethel Woods show a few nights ago. We rocked that party too.
I'm done. Get out.
@johncmayer glad we could provide but what about Bethel?
GOodnight children! it's been real!
@johncmayer Kill Bill was on TBS last night.
I love it when bitches on MSM say that a fanclub should exist for tickets so it'd reduce complaints about @johncmayer not playing hits...
cont - I hate that because it's exclusionary and it would mean that only the elite asshole fanclub members would get to sit close. (con't)..
(con't) while the "newbs" who get attacked on MSM all the time get stuck on the lawn/nosebleed section all the time. Suck a dick.
From what I can tell @kisstheground, I beat out many of my twitter followers because I've been following @johncmayer for nearly 10 yrs.
But @kisstheground, I'm not going to stop talking to you because you've got the wrong comment/concert count. I'm a bitch but come on...
In which I tell it like it is, motha'uckas. http://is.gd/eaJ4h
@kisstheground hahaha
@bob_reynolds You aren't still in the capital area are you? I can think of a few good movie theatres in which you can pull this off.
WHO SHOULD BE MY 300TH FOLLOWEE?
Maddy and I are going to the park to rob some people...of their boredom. Going to play music for them and shit.

@johncmayer Nope just never make a pretty women your wife
@mertmij come on up to the show. I'll be at the beer tent eating free snax like the elderly playa I am.
Let the farting re-commence!
@johncmayer are you putting the donuts in a blender with coffee this year like you did in 2008? It's not jazz, it's gas.
STFU AND GO TO SARATOGA! Tweet me if you're going.
Was at the beer tent in all its glory.
Chilling in box 702. Come visit and bring beer!
Holy fuck, are those jeans @johncmayer?
@mertmij come to box 702 for a dance party!
FINE. DON'T VISIT MY DANCING ASS IN BOX 702. It's awesome here.
If you're at SPAC, I'm the brunette leaning back in box 702

@steinein Chad wasn't at his post until just before John was about to go out on stage. I snagged a setlist. He's a sweeetheart
@anidee thank you, i don't know either.
Yeah, this isn't gonna fly: http://community.livejournal.com/homesweetalbany/219051.html?mode=reply&style=mine
Goodnight kiddoes!
@Uilos You don't like whores.
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
@steinein are you adding the train show to archive.org? there's a problem when I download and try to open up the rapidshare...:(
@steinein I figured it out. But it has two copies of Umbrella in it where Meet Virginia should be
@steinein It sounds amazing though :)
@steinein heh, just giving a head's up. It sounds amazing though :)

RT @NZAfro: Retweet this if you hate Twitter telling you who to follow.
Outerspace potato man...

So...@johncmayer I stayed for the encore. What about that parking lot party
uploading photos then zorap, hopefully
@johncmayer I'm the girl in the red and white dress next to the heart of life poster holder. Good job!.
Oh and @johncmayer, I saw that Hendrix photo. Nice wedgie.
@bearheadedgirl - i also look familiar because i'm wearing the same damn dress as I did at the beacon :)
Oh and there's a video of @train singing 'Umbrella' by Rihanna
SO many photos.
Uploading to facebook first and then photobucket when I get to it...
@Vanessa_Rose I've nearly photobombed it.
@Vanny_Del WORKING ON IT!
@caitinlv i love your comment on his blog )
I’m in the pink and white dress, pointing at the Heart of Life poster you like so much. I have... http://tumblr.com/xejeznnf9
Let's keep the mentioning of my name going, cause i'm vain as fuuuuuuck tonight.
@CogitatedMind k, but watch the sabbath
@johncmayer hope you're enjoying this late night thunderstorm.
Not many men can perform in jean leggings. For that, I salute you Pat Monahan of @train. Plus ya looked hot. Thank you :)
It's thundering like crap outside. The skies are angry that @johncmayer and @train didn't duet this evening & that John didn't play Journey
Goodnight everybody. Back to Albany tomorrow. Everybody drive safe!
WTF, I had tits for the last 24 hours and they were divine
I don't know who this steinein person is on MSM but I love them for sticking it to a certain bad fanfic writer. If you're steinein speak up
Oh look, I found her @steinein. THANKS GOOGLE. And @steinein, I'm the one who requested the Train recording from last night.
@bearheadedgirl You and I both know that the famous part isn't always necessary
Thank you so much for that! RT @train: A blurry pic of an awesome night in Bethel, NY during IF IT'S LOVE! http://tweetphoto.com/37062502
Well, @johncmayer, the review of last night is in: http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100805/ENTERTAIN/100809855
Time to take Maddy shopping at the GAP, who have opened their doors for us after hours to do back to school shopping.
@steinein That's awesome and I adore you for it. Thank you so much!
@steinein And this was your first show? that's even better
@steinein This was my first concert at the Bethel venue but my 6th overall. Great sounds overall. Are you going to the Saratoga show?
@steinein welp, hopefully it's being taped. I'll be there.
@k8thompson I'd love to but I have to be awake in 7hrs
All my pics from the Bethel Woods @train @johncmayer concert are here:http://is.gd/e5eXI

@vanny_del tampons, pregnancy test and a home perming kit
OH @bunnyears YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF MY PUBES!
For those attending the Bethel Woods show...- http://is.gd/e1ABa
I have my hair all set for the show tomorrow night
That's incredibly true...and worth it RT @ireneleite: @JohnMayerAsASim but you'll gain like 31 or something!
On my way to sullivan county...
Barely outside Albany and I just saw my first yarmulke. L'chaim!
Just off the highway - corn, fellow Jews and long roads. Welcome back, @sallyblock.
Emmanuel's marketplace on 209 has all the noms...
BEHOLD! http://twitpic.com/2bl21y
At my mom's. Concert in 4.5 hours. Leaving for it in 2 or so. #JM597
http://twitpic.com/2bl21y - On my way home, I thought I would warn you all. #JM597
Thank you @sugarplumkelly!
Told ya - the only Starbucks available in Sullivan County. Who wants some? http://twitpic.com/2blnia
@mickmgmt see anything cool in Sullivan County yet? Prob not. Sorry :(
@nattamac will do! but @sugarplumkelly's not going to this one tonight.
Successfully annoyed everryone at the n,
Mcdonalds by singing Waiting like Bobcat Goldthwait.
At bethel woods...it smells like cows!
On the line at Bethel Woods to get in...sweaty balls all over...
Oh dear, the chub rub we have going on...
Donde esta Chad?
Oh yea, no sight of the boys...
Well...I'M HERE, BETHEL WOODS. I'm GOING TO OPEN UP THE SHOW!
I'll be in the 7th row to your right @johncmayer. Play something
@johncmayer play something jewish tonight, I mean...
Oh Pat Monahan and your skin tight, tell your religion pants
@johncmayer you haven't gotten on stage yet but I already wanna thank you for coming to my home.
And now to find chad
Tooooooo many bitches stepping on my toes
Stealth fuckery at the bethel woods show...not joking...
Chad looks like Jacob from Lost
Chad is fucking awsome. Says hi to all and that I look familiar.
Saving me a setlist too
Attack of the fangirls!
I have video of @train covering 'umbrella'
Totally copped a feel on the Chad. Pics later.
@johncmayer you made my evening tonight. Thank you.
Stuck in the parking lot. Not attempting to leave...

@lisalocicerogh So many fandoms colliding in that picture. I love it. #thestate #gh
How many laptops smell like farts...
Until Thursday, I'll be tweeting as @sallyblock. Any DMs meant for her should be directed here Because I'm going home for Bethel Woods show.
Just wanted y'all not to be shocked when tweets no longer sound like I'm an elderly cranky halfbreed musician but like a cranky 27y/o bitch.
@EmpressGina1 you can't tweet from two accounts at the same time from one phone
@EmpressGina1 and i want to mobile tweet from this account with the phone number associated from @sallyblock's account.
@EmpressGina1 heh, s'ok
Who's going to the Bethel Woods show tomorrow? I'm going. Taking my mom cause she has a girl crush on Pat Monahan.
Oh and it's her birthday too.
For all the shit I talk about Sullivan County, be careful driving and try to be more aware than the other person. Summer can be dangerous.
Btw @bobmaron @tonyheld The closest thing you'll find to a Starbucks near Bethel Woods is my tired ass brewing it at my mom's condo on Thurs
@Vanny_Del yes I do.
Two photos of where tomorrow's show is http://is.gd/e1gjQ http://is.gd/e1gl9
@Vanny_Del oooh whee girl, something to think about tomorrow night when i'm all alone in my home town
Fixing my nails for the billionth time.
Hey, who's dropping bombs in there? How's about a courtesy flush? Fuck you, Butters!
Unless you think we SHOULD take off our shirts and kiss? #southpark
next month, @johnmayerasasim will be a year old. Yep, September marks ONE year of retardation on an elderly level
Dear @johncmayer - In honor of playing the borscht belt, tomorrow night please play something Jewish. LOVE YA - Sally.
Tomorrow night we'll be sitting 7th row stage right
I fucking hate the night before a @johncmayer concert because of how much of a fangirl I become. Not as bad as the ones I make fun of...
@caitinlv I would pay $5....
Dear 5hr Energy - HOW DARE YOU TRASH TALK MY COFFEE! Love, Sally
@eliroth Why aren't you there infecting everybody? How badass would that be?
The concert hasn't even happened yet and I'm already planning after show shenanigans
@How2InsultALady What about the mouth?
Basically for the next 24 hours, all my tweets will read like this '@johncmayer @bobmaron @tonyheld BETHELWOODS SULLIVAN COUNTY OMFGWTF LOL*
I estimate I will lose 12 readers because of it...
@katerspie Go to the GAP this week because they're handing out coupon books for 40% off 1 regular priced item on Wednesdays in August
@NYHarvickFan are you hitting up any of the upstate NY shows?
Why and HOW do I keep losing the nail tips I need to do my nails? I had them yesterday?
@SugarPlumKelly just did, found nothing...
zorap/sallyb woodstock is your friend
@caitinlv @Vanny_Del come on into zorap
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim I've got some old man brand cock rings for you.
shhhhhh...did you hear that? fart.....
@K8THOMPSON @Vanny_Del DAMMIT BUBBIE! It's been 2 years and a different car since you've done this and it's still wrong
In Sullivan County, you can purchase a year's worth of Kosher foods at the ShopRite and Walmark in Monticello. Just sayin', @bobmaron.

@Tonyheld @bobmaron Same holds for Bethel Woods RT @MeganRabren: Dear Mr. Hold, if you are going to be at Mansfield, Prepare Your Anus.
We're all in this together @johncmayer @bobmaron @tonyheld - zorap.com/meganrabren pw=junkinthetrunk
@johncmayer Did you wish him happy birthday by whacking him in the nuts as many years as he is old? HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHAD!
Hey @johncmayer have you ever invaded someone with your mouth? Curious artists want to know. Signed - MGMT
Clearly written by a virgin...
He snapped off his osh kosh bgosh jeans
Where the fuck are the condoms, is what I want to know?
Your body is a GPS
Come on into chat for some fanfiction lessons - zorap/meganrabren pw: junkinthetrunk Remember, sometimes an erection is better than a dick.
Illegal use of the ellipses
She is a vortex, he found her opening like a cave.
If I ever walk around singing a song called 'Lydia,' this skit is why: http://is.gd/dYwnw
I was wrong; SOME cool things happen in Sullivan County NY, home of Wednesday's @johncmayer show. They had lake lightning recently.
Everyone wish a happy birthday to my wife, @notcatdsilver. She is forever young.
Hitting the Bethel Woods concert on Weds and have sports cars? Check into the Monticello Motor Club and go vroom vroom - http://is.gd/dYxWe
@notcatsilver WHY NOT?
The new Activia commercial is Hell defined: selling yogurt to people on a hot day in the park. Congratulations on yourr Coagulation!
And if you cant cause you have to go back on antidepressants? RT @HuffingtonPost Gisele: Breastfeeding Should Be 'Law' http://huff.to/bqR5Qq
Ok @mertmij but before this happened was he at least helpful in fording the river? If not, then he fucking deserved it.
@conormichael I will have you know I ain't paying for shit.
I never got Maddy inoculated in time. Maybe you can protect your loved ones before it's too late - http://is.gd/dZaJh
No late night porn chats for me. i have to work tommorrow.
@train I can't go for that or Man Eater

@_drina They are the greatest things ever invented. Let me show you.
@_drina http://www.amazon.com/Trojan-Vibrating-Ring-W-condom/dp/B000AS7EW4
I need some downtime for my hips And also for my pension check to come in so i can afford these things for mah ladeez @_drina
HOW HARD IS IT TO EXPLAIN YOU'RE TWEETING TO A FAKE INDIVIDUAL? :) @_drina
@pixolita, maddy sends you her love and so do i :)
I APPROVE OF THIS POST RT @_drina: @JohnMayerAsASim #WhoSaidJohnMayerAsASimWasAFake? I'll cut 'em!
And it is awesome. @Vanny_Del @_drina
@Vanny_Del chrloritutop
Yes I did RT @Vanny_Del: @_drina @SugarPlumKelly Did he show you the cock????
10 banana creme pies are better
@TahitianFantasy Thank you!
WORKING ON A PHOTO COLLAGE OF MY SUMMER ADVENTURES. WAIT FOR IT. IT'LL BE POSTED SOMETIME AFTER I TAKE OFF THESE 12 COCK RINGS.
I knew someone would take it there. RT @Papa_C_Los: @JohnMayerAsASim creampie....
@Papa_C_Los I was just thinking of you, though. There's a repeat of 'Ab Aeterno' on my local CBS affiliate right now. I miss this already
@Papa_C_Los I'm down, lol
Ladies, Richard Alpert is on a horse...
For my fellow internet predators. http://is.gd/dW02q
All these Jewish ladies in Sullivan County will be on the rag because of this halfbreed @johncmayer coming to town on Wednesday
@Triceratops88 look up Chris Hansen/dateline msnbc.
How many of you are going to the Bethel Woods show this week? Try and find me there. I'll be dressed as a 27 year old knockout of a woman.
Don Draper is all 'Fuck you, I'm not talking about my dad.'
HAHAHA, YOU think Peggy's a virgin #madmen
Hey, is Joan's husband fighting in Vietnam yet?
By the time he died, whenever that is, how many women do you figure Don Draper gave the clap to? #madmen
You just made her a prostitute, Don Draper. #madmen
wtf at this episode of Mad Men. What a sleeper.

http://twitpic.com/29uguj - New photo. Based on Original @johncmayer tweet: http://is.gd/dS8I6
OH HALE NO I DID NOT JUST GET KICKED FROM @JOHNCMAYER'S USTREAM ROOM WHEN DOUCHEBAGS IN THERE ARE SAYING WORSE SHIT THAN ME
RT @conormichael: I wish there was a retard limit. RT @Nick_Sydney: wish there was a typing limit
I was repeating myself in there but then again, so were other people. Whatever #mayermusic @johncmayer I still love you and 20 other fans.
@JOHNCMAYER - CAN YOU PLAY - AND THEN I HAD A SEIZURE CAUSED BY ALL THIS FAST TYPING? #MAYERMUSIC
I've already requested that song RT @Vanny_Del: I'm about to have a seizure if the room doesn't slow down.
@JOHNCMAYER YOU SHOULD SHOUTOUT TO KARSON
do we have a zorap open that we're inviting him into later?
@johncmayer you should open your zorap again.
Thank you, @IFCdotcom for this hour of WKUK! I love Trevor.
Cat hunting, or cunting as we call it...#ifc #wkuk
@BobMaron http://twitpic.com/2a79ew - Get the pretzel m&m's. They're the new crack!
@johncmayer i hope you always feel that way

What an odd mood I'm in today.
Maddy wants to talk about this boy she spent the summer kissing. Wants him to come visit. His name is Dillon.
@caitinlv I'll be there in 3 days for your back massage
I'm very gassy today. Everytime Maddy says Dillon's name, I let out a silent fart. It's very smelly in the Mayer Manse today.
Why is this taking so long? I want to show on twitpic, dammit
@TheSims3 Then why did you fix it? it sounds hilarious :)
Phallic Planets and voyages. Signed with Love. http://twitpic.com/29uguj
Phallic planets and fantastic voyages. Signed with love. http://twitpic.com/29ugy9
i hope this was a driveby. i probably know the offender. RT @TitoVsMothra: scene at Elda's: white bitches hip hop karaoke
OH @fatiguemusic! YOU KNOW I WILL!