JM, As a Sim

To all the sexy men and women on my list, I bid you a wonderful day. To the uggos, I say Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
@caitinlv I'll be there in 3 weeks...with a cane.
look at Sayid not giving a shit...
OHHHHH - Miles got fat jokes #LOST
@ecctv She even talks like her.
Dear @pixolita, Bring your swimsuit. Maddy and I'll be staying at the Best Western Primrose on Carlton when we visit in May. Rooftop Pool.
Dear Mayer chat friends - I cannot do that thing we planned on if my game keeps crashing. My apologies. Perhaps netx year.
@SugarPlumKelly Yeah, very irritated.
Maddy just gave me a manicure. my nails are hot pink and it's hard to type

Will I drag my old ass to the gym? Perhaps. While there will I hit on some hotties? Definitely.
@catdsilver that's cause I installed a cheat on your sim so you wouldn't.
What is going on today, my followers? I hope you're all doing well. And if you're not, you're doing it wrong.
Someone told me the other day that Maddy's birthday was coming up. I stabbed them.
These are temporary solutions to permanent problems.
Oh, and I heard somewhere that my brother was coming to visit me this week. I'm scared and should all of you.
I mean, you should all be scared as well.

@kisstheground THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE
You are a complete dumpster fire.
@caitinlv want me to rub your feet?

Does anyone want to come to my drunk zorap? bring a bordeaux to zorap/sallyb
Please come in...I'm drunk and scared...
@tonyheld drag your ass into zorap.com/sallyb bring a bordeaux and see @nick_sydney again!
@meeshell78 come to zorap!
@bobmaron come on into zorap.com/sallyb - bring a bordeaux and see nick sydney before he goes home
Trufax: Everytime I see the word "Manila," I think Manilow. Would I perform in Barry Manilow? WHO WOULDN'T?

Nobody did a zorap?
@tonyheld http://twitpic.com/1b4ira - THAT IS AWESOME!

You should all listen to this song and commit it to heart: David Gray "Nemesis" ♫ http://twt.fm/397457
@caitinlv are we zoraping tonight?
@caitinlv Oh girl, I'm watching it right now, sobering up after my bailey's ensure

Best tweet ever RT @catdsilver @JohnMayerAsASim No, while you were drunk you just got a BJ while watching Lost and it screwed everything up.
@meeshell78 have a dirty old man hug.
Hey ladies and gents. RT @_drina #Hi @Vanessa_Rose @ConorMichael @caitinlv @JohnMayerAsASim @strem73
@meeshell78 haven't gotten a complaint yet
SALMON TIME! FEEL MY OMEGA-3!
I love it when @sallyblock sits in the livingroom in a pair of boyshorts eating a bagel with salmon. It's a sight.
Time to make some damn strips.
For those who asked, there is indeed a Facebook fanpage - http://is.gd/aXegu
@ninaisshort Oh woman, I will always save room for that place!
RIP Robert Culp
Need to do some editing before next week's project reveal. Tweaking.

AND NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN THIS DAY!
MADDY! Come home. I'm bored. If I didn't want you to do better than Walls I'd take you out of school and watch horroe movies all day.
I think I'm gonna sleep all day today and hold my balls why doing so. @catdsilver and some of y'all women are on the prowl.
BUT HEY, WE HAVE HEALTH CARE REFORM NOW! #latetothegame
Y'all need to STFU cause LOST is on and I'm tired
Even I have to admit that Richard is sexy...
Ohhhh, you wanted him to kill Jacob #lost. You suck, #smokemonster
So who else is glad this episode of #lost is an extra 10 minutes long?
@MsCandace Nope, usually over at 9:56, now running til 10:06 for tonight only
Ooooh, Whitest Kids U'Know. Hilarious.
Son of a bitch - while I was drunk earlier this evening I had clarity into the real meaning of what LOST was ALL ABOUT, the answer.
Now I'm sober and angry. and I have no answers. Er, uhm, it's like an angry toddler who can't yet talk, drawing on the walls - no sense.

Dammit Maddy! Why can't you be a genius who doesn't need school so I can sleep and not drive you there? I love you.
SHE HAD THE DAY OFF AND NOBODY TOLD ME! YOU ASSHOLES LET ME WAKE UP AT 6AM TO DRIVE MADDY TO SCHOOL!
Mascara with Richard Alpert - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWAidHaZYzo

@catdsilver welcome to awesometown. Population: us.
OH MY GOD - NEW @JOHNCMAYER FANFICTION COMPLETE WITH RUNON SENTENCES AND COMMAS INSTEAD OF PERIODS!

@mcsafetyscissor nevermind, done
@SallyBlock http://twitpic.com/18djsg - chuck schumer!
When idiots decided they knew how to spell everything. RT @caitinlv: When did itbecome popular to spell "whine" with a g in it?
Whine with a "g" in it is pronounced "hinge" with a "w" in front of it, not the way it's intended, @caitinlv
Oh, @caitinlv, and I forgot, IT'S ALSO FUCKING WRONG.
Time to drink some coffee. If I don't, one of you will die.
@caitinlv You're a sexy black winj.
Is it possible to have (good) oral in a hammock? @catdsilvver, let's find out!
@caitinlv I've been with a man before, it was nice. I should've gone in that chat and told that kid whatfor. You are none of those things
Ooooh, FINALLY A JOB FOR MY OLD MAN BALLS:http://is.gd/aQIAL
@caitinlv Oh, to treat ballfish!
"Do you know what I have? The Sims family that keeps getting murdered!" Liz Lemon
Time to go on a random following spree
@VannyDel Sit your black ass down, I'm already following you :) *sbliorm scholop*
@VannyDel *dies*
@VannyDel It's from that hour glass machine, right? I remember it from my youth
@VannyDel First time I drank it, I was in my 20s. I was freaked out.

Drove Maddy to school and we listed to music that was a hit back in my day, "Rhapsody in Blue."

Me-ow. @KevinMarshall
Today a co-worker said her computer was being gay. I asked her if it was having sex with other men. No? Ok, then it's not gay.
And by coworker I mean Walls.
@MCSafetyScissor either way you can't call it gay
Watching ANTM with Maddy tonight, as a lesson in how not to live your life.
@cwm76 She got torn apart in a time machine on her way back from a 1990's gay bar.
So that was the series finale of 'Scrubs?' Will it stick this time? WIll Elliott forever be pregnant? Thanks for nothing.
WHAT IS THIS, 1958? How long does an old bastard like me have to wait for an iPhone? Thanks a lot, @sallyblock. Been waiting for 8 months
@_drina http://twitpic.com/17g6z0 - Them's kosher?
@VannyDel Because I'm from the future
@VannyDel I'm not sure where I am lately
Going old man clothes shopping while Maddy is sleeping. Cause god dammit, I can't go naked all day...oh, wait.
@_drina Naw, just from the future :)
@_drina Nope, I drive a Prius. I'm not from Australia.

@Jim_Wolf I make wonderful omelettes
@Jim_Wolf white american cheese with tomatoes. English muffin.
@Jim_Wolf We're in zorap.com/vannydel right now. come on down. bring a turkeytesters to get in
@Jim_Wolf Double cheese omelettes are awesome
@catdsilver I've heard that @sallyblock was born to that song...
I want a bagel with Jew salmon tonight. Yum.
Watching Monsters Inc with Maddy. My favorite film
@vannydel @caitinlv This never happened, and I don't want to see any paperwork.
I can't help it. That last moment when Sully opens the door and Boo says 'Kitty' always makes me tear up.
"Richard is angry"? Thanks for the caption, ABC.
Miles: she works with my dad at the museum.
Imagine a tv spinoff with Fake Locke if he ever succeeded getting off the island, trying to adjust to modern society. Comedy gold.
Oh, 'Because.' That's a good reason.

@caitinlv It would just be chicken. Sit your crazy ass down over there...
@VannyDel for what? for being awesome and sexual chocolate? yes.
@VannyDel chorppity clirppry
RT @annaresa: PSA: there does NOT = their. Your does NOT = you're. It's does NOT = its. Let's try to learn these, mmkay? Pop quiz in the AM!
I thought it was so important I had to re-tweet it twice.
PSA: there does NOT = their or they're. Your does NOT = you're. It's does NOT = its. Let's try to learn these, mmkay? Pop quiz in the AM
And then I had to kill @mcsafetyscissor
It's = it is, Its = 'It has.' They're = "They are." Women will fuck you if you know the difference because you'll sound educated
@MCSafetyScissor You sit your ass down and go to school!
The wife has drugged my ass to get me into bed. Goodnight world.
Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.
I love how you always act like it's the first time you've seen me naked @catdsilver
Children?! What albums should I download for tomorrow's naked walkabout the neighborhood?
@VannyDel I need to sit down for a minute
@ShenaniganJenn That is offensive and you should feel bad
@ellebees Not a bad idea, but it helps me fall asleep and I'd like to avoid that.
@mdiviesti I am too sexy for my shirt.
@ShenaniganJenn We both know I'd like that too much
By the way, the new Bonobo album 'Black Sands' is amazing and you should all buy it.
I'M JEWISH, @ellebees! STOP TRYING TO CONVERT MY OLD MAN BALLS!
Someone told me to beat my kids this evening. IT's about 26 years too late. And I'm not starting with Maddy...
Though, maybe if I had, Walls wouldn't still be living in this fucking house.
I ate too much Jew salmon tonight.

YEAH!!!!! RT @krisarms: @JohnMayerAsASim And you, m'dear, are a god amongst men. Calgarians salute you by the hundreds.
This is a cautionary tale: a boombox is not a toy.
@kisstheground Watch SNL tonight. and if a stripper is still using a boombox then she's not doing it right.
@kisstheground In my experience, a whole sound system at a club.
@kisstheground Oh, never had one of them.
American Psycho is on IFC right now.
Trufax: I used to know someone who dated one of the prostitutes in 'American Psycho.' Not the one who sticks around to get chased...
Two minutes until the Semi-Annual Time Traveling Extravaganza!!!!!
Being a good old Jew and eating a bagel with Salmon
http://twitpic.com/18muat -
@MCSafetyScissor Are you up to date with the patches? What happens? Go to support.ea.com
@itrevormoore She had a band, was a stewardess then a pilot, and a stay at home mom - which implies she had a sugardaddy (not Ken).
@itrevormoore I basically mean to say that Bitch made it work.
@Benjamin__Linus There is a man in @sallyblock's office who looks just like you. His name is Steven. Sally has a crush on him but is scared.
@catdsilver Get your sexy ass on the Arc Trainer. It'll make your ass toned in half the time of the elliptical.
@LuckyTheresa That song about friendship that they sing in the car should be everyone's ringtone for their best friend. Trufax.
Today is Sunday and I've had my first cup of coffee in two days. Feel free to ask me anything as I feel very responsive this afternoon.
@catdsilver http://www.arctrainer.com/ Good for the ass.
@MCSafetyScissor After it starts working, you can no longer use the old disc to run the game.
@MCSafetyScissor Oh...that's fucked.
@MCSafetyScissor Did you check this page out? http://forum.thesims3.com/jforum/forums/list.page
@catdsilver That's how you know I'm about to show up
@MCSafetyScissor Oh. Hmph....yeah, then tech support intervention is important.
@catdsilver I will smack the ass but never enter unless you ask. But even then why would I when you already have a better parking spot.
Q:If you were a stripper, what would your stage name be and why?... A:Old Dirty Jew Bastard http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/307167113
Q:How's your hip? A:Which one? They're constantly thrown out of alignment because I ref... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/307186432
Q:Name 3 things that you absolutely REFUSE... A:My current wife :)No, uhm, seriously? T... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/307208227
@vannydel, I have answered your questions.
IT WAS IMPORTANT NEWS FOR YOUR EVERY DAY LIFE, @CAITINLV!
http://twitpic.com/18n9dw - Why I love Maddy and so should you.
YOU CAN'T SEXFIRE ME! I SEXQUIT!
LISA! YOU'RE A WONDERFUL CHILD! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!
Today is Sunday. Feel free to ask me anything as I feel very responsive this afternoon.
He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you!
@SugarPlumKelly awesome :)
Watching Tool Academy. They'd better cry.
Wow, I didn't know that tanning made you feminine. Thanks #ToolAcademy!
@johncmayer I patiently await your arrival.
To Catch A Predator is on MSNBC right now. NAKED DUDE!!!!!!!!
Girls, it's that middle aged guy who went into the mcdonalds...
@SugarPlumKelly I swear, I've never done this before.
CHATTING? YOU'RE SITTING IN HIS KITCHEN NAKED, JOHN!
@SugarPlumKelly I just wanted some cookies.
John Kenelly: a winner, everybody...http://is.gd/aFixy
I was just gonna get something to eat...
There's obviously a mistake, @caitinlv. I just wanted to get McNuggets and sweet chili sauce so I could eat like an Olympian champion.
@caitinlv I would share what I found in the back with you

TIME FOR DDRUNKEN JOHNMAYERASASIM ZORAP.
Oh, and for all who wonder: @sallyblock's hair is at epic levels this evening
MANISCHEWIITZ CHOCOLATE MACAROONS FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you're a good country singer, you don't need to wear a cowboy hat. Seriously.
What's it do? http://is.gd/auD8t
I call people from Calgary, Calgarians. It sounds epic and makes you sound important.

Arthur was good enough to die last week...
@catdsilver Bonobo or M. Ward. Definitely M. Ward. Let's spoon to his slow cover of Bowie's "Let's Dance." It'll be romantical.

http://twitpic.com/17stdw - In case you were curious, this is what I look like in real life.
Just kidding, but wouldn't it be hilarious.
9 followers short of 300. Follow me, @johncmayer, you want to see what happens in your future. Hint: Silver carpets to match the drapes.
Oh, @catdsilver. It will never not be strange.
Time to shower and wash my old man balls. Do something valuable with YOUR time while you wait for my return. Maybe donate to Save the Music?
Dear @conanobrien - Way to be in Toronto a week before I will. I will miss you deeply.
You know what, I bet you that the secret to LOST is that it's all Vincent's dream. Vincent? The dog. #LOST
MEGADESK! #OFFICE
Oh happy day. New @johncmayer fanfiction. Time to dine like a champion. Happy birthday @cwm76.
Oh great, and push your pro-life beliefs on your fanfiction readers...
Until you go someplace else or are kidnapped or black out. RT @caitinlv: @johncmayer Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
@tonyheld You are NOT coming up my way this weekend?! http://www.lakegeorgesteamboat.com/ is 20 minutes away from me (@sallyblock
@mdiviesti I am a truly amazing individual...and I have amazing old man balls.
@mdiviesti A smelly one.

http://twitpic.com/17nvbz - Do today's kids even know what a stick is? Yes, George Carlin, yes they do.
Q:Name 5 things you absolutely could not l... A:Bailey's flavored Ensure, a good blowjob... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/286813841
@VannyDel Thanks. @catdsilver takes care of all that shit.
Listening to music all day and thinking inappropriate thoughts while doing so. Oh life!
http://twitpic.com/17stdw -
http://twitpic.com/17stdx -

I get to drive Maddy to school all week. Awake in 5 and a half hours, dammit.

@meeshell78 Only for one or two episodes. He was on the freighter that blew up in season four http://is.gd/9VKJR
Can these 5 people tell us fucking stories about hwo they went out for drinks and killed hookers with the nominees?
@caitinlv what's up your skirt, my dear?
Dear Nicholas Sparks: You are a bad writer and you should feel bad.

HOOBASTANK IS HERE! NO? NO??!
I...hate...you...Kristin Wiig
I want Bill Hader to play me in the story of my life.
@SugarPlumKelly No, because nobody knows who you're talking about, hon :)
@SugarPlumKelly Oh, well I hope all is okay?
@SugarPlumKelly I don't know who he is but I hope it gets resolved soon
@newwaveclassics I thought you deleted your account?
@newwaveclassics OH look, I told everyone for you.
George Clooney and Queen Latifa standing next to each other? Very beautiful.
Gabby Sidbe is so fucking adorable.
"If fashion was porn, this dress is the money shot" - Gabby Sidibe. That girl owns my heart. I want to adopt her.
Can you imagine Gabby Sidibe on SNL with Kenan Thompson as Virginiaca's daughter?????
My type of woman: http://is.gd/9V7mt
'Mama, i think he's trying to inseminate that I'm fat or suneim'
WHY CAN'T MY BABY DO HER BOOTY BACK AND FORTH?
Why hey, @catdsilver! Look everyone, my wife is up and running!!!!!
@catdsilver I'm glad you're back
Just give the award to Mo'Nique so I can move on.
Don't make fun of Helen Mirren. She has connections with the mob. Which one? The world mob.
@KevinMarshall That movie would've been good had it not been written/directed/associated with Nancy Myers.
CCH POUNDER IS IN THE AUDIENCE!!!!!!!!!
Oh look, it's James Cameron and his grandmother. I mean, the bitch he left Linda Hamilton for. He needs lessons in upgrading.
Your acceptance speech should be as long as your Oscar clip.
Stanley Tucci won't win, but he was convincing as a creepy child molester in The Lovely Bones #Oscars
Nobody gives a shit about you, Miley.
Purchasing some new rugs. They'll be here in 15 minutes
Dammit, Tarantino was robbed.
They're trying too hard. RT @ebertchicago: Gosh. Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin just plain aren't funny.
Oh yes, the tribute to John Hughes...
I forgot about 'Some Kind of Wonderful.'
Oh Judd Nelson and your cocaine nostrils...
I feel like we're going see Judd Nelson on a future season of 'Celebrity Rehab'
Why is Samuel L. Jackson introducing 'Up'? He should be doing the intro to 'Basterds.'
@ShenaniganJenn I didn't cry but I was saddened.
@KevinMarshall OH you mean back when he was funny and not full of himself...
@KevinMarshall And from what I understand he's such a dick in real life.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Hollywood? You stand for Korman and Bacall.
@cwm76 Uh, I meant, this: http://www.movies-links.tv/movies/precious_based_on_the_novel_push_by_sapphire/
@OscarSays I even suppose some people expect me to believe they just woke up?! Lies.
Survive what? #oscars2010
If I win an oscar for anything, I'm gonna go up there and bitch about having a bad day and be super vague about it.
SJP's dress would be great if it were attached to its neckline.
Want a modern age Zach Morris phone? Now you can! Get the all new iPad!
No, I won't welcome them. #oscars
Not until that bitch Kristen Stewart learns how to speak and stand up straight.
Where's 'Don't look now?'
TWILIGHT IS NOT A HORROR FILM!
@mtvnews Don't Look Now, Psycho, Silence of the Lambs, Rosemary's Baby, The Shining
'Thank the visionary James Cameron for an amazing vision.' - I'm going to revoke your Oscar.
Where was Bea Arthur? #oscarfail
YOU DO NOT CHEW GUM ON STAGE AT THE OSCARS.

@caitinlv here's a hug and some xanax
@caitinlv Imagine I'm singing TO you, instead of AT you like I normally do. All will be better.
Did I ever tell you guys that when I get older, I sound like Tom Hanks? CAUSE I DO AND YOU STILL FIND ME SEXY!
@ellebees you tell my younger self that I said 'hay now, sexy.'
Sentimental Friday nights: Barenaked Ladies "You Run Away" ♫ http://twt.fm/387724 They actually sound good without Steven Page.
@pixolita Ticket to Toronto is now booked. See you at the end of May!
You want porn, @ShenaniganJenn? Check out Steve Perry's package in this concert vid! http://is.gd/9NCZ4
In Living Color is on!
Hey, @vannydel! RT @Helen_Keller: Queeg.
@VannyDel I am so turned on right now.
@johncmayer I told Walls to start living that way when he was 2. But he's an asshole. Gotta be careful.
@VannyDel Especially when having just seen 'Precious' and are mad about the injustices of the plight of the HIV positive 1980's black woman.
@VannyDel I'm crying. If Mo'Nique doesn't get an Oscar tomorrow night, I'm setting fire to the Hollywood sign.
@NaughtyRev That's unacceptable, sad and very very backwards.
If Mo'Nique were available, I'd hit it. Wait, she's got an open marriage. I'd ask her to shave cause *I* need to have the hairy legs in bed.
@johncmayer Instead of 'would' can you say 'will'? 20 or so years from now, I want you to go out in a blaze of glory.
@KevinMarshall Yes, @SallyBlock vs. the State Street Hipster Scum Skateboarding League.
@KevinMarshall She's been reading 'The Art of War' in preparation for Hipster season and this fight in particular. Expect Guerrilla warfare.
@KevinMarshall The SSHSSL had an early advantage, using the 45* weather to launch a surprise attack against @sallyblock
However, @sallyblock made a quick comeback by putting out strand of clear mailing tape from her apt to the tree in front of her apartment.
Round one: @sallyblock wins by TKO as hipsters cry off their mascara and vow to return. @kevinmarshall's prediction comes to fruition.
When interviewed by Capitol News Nine, @SallyBlock said she would be unavailable on Monday for the 2nd round as she is returning to work.
Reportedly, the Hipster League laughed at her for getting a job. @sallyblock told them to get off her sidewalk and to STFU.
@KevinMarshall - Our dear @sallyblock has been interviewed by Capitol News 9 sportscaster Joe Calderone. Please see previous tweets.
Perfect. http://is.gd/9R2dc
@ellebees who?

@Pixolita That was written for Heath Ledger's daughter after he died
@cwm76 My vagina hurts just thinking about that.
@pixolita i want to go to canada for May 22-27th.
@Pixolita WHERE THE FUECK ARE YOU?
I'm done. Get out.
@ben_mayer That's called ballfish, sir.
I'm sorry about the ridiculous lies I have to tell you to get you to put out, @catdsilver.
@catdsilver oh my darling.
Woke up to 'You Run Away,' the new single by Barenaked Ladies and the first since Steven Page left the band. Must download.
@johncmayer I want to go on vacation deep in Pennsylvania's mountains, no poconos.
The problem with 'Clean House' is that they don't give a hit about sentimental items.
Get your friends to follow me or else. I'm not sure what but I figured threatening couldn't hurt.
@anidee Dear chocolate lady, you must go. Fear not. I'll still love your broke ass.
RT @JMstore: "RT" this (not the web's RT button): @JMStore is giving away 2 more Custom @moleskine notebooks! The 1st and 100th RT win noteb
@ApoloOhno anything from the Bad Plus, Bonobo, Foo Fighters and REM.
HAHA, guys like that aren't morons, they're pussies RT@MCSafetyScissor: #iCHEATEDbecause Im a moron and dont have the stones to call it off.
@johncmayer The Bob Saget Rap

@NZAfro Last names, thank you
Wonder what'll happen in the future when Michael Jackson's kids see the South Park eps about their dad. I hope they find the humor in it.
@MCSafetyScissor that is awesome!
Office Baby! I wish I could warn them about the issues. Harold Ramis directs the episodes.
NOBODY TOUCH PAM'S NIPPLES!
@VannyDel That's the plan, lady!
I miss my wife, @catdsilver. I'll visit her at the hospital later. My house is a fucking mess. Walls does a shitty job at cleaning.
@VannyDel Been there. It was great. Met my 2nd wife.
http://twitpic.com/16nwqu - Maddy and I went to the beach today
@ellebees Thanks, I look wonderful in my old man trunks
http://twitpic.com/16nxd2 - Baywatch: Old Man Style
@SugarPlumKelly Damn right!
I have nothing to add :) RT @ellebees: @JohnMayerAsASim Know what would be even hotttter? If you pulled them up to your nips. Mmmmmm.
@meeshell78 I think she was...I don't keep track of that shit.

Gave Maddy an early dismissal from school by 3hrs. We're going to the fucking park.
http://twitpic.com/16fnz4 - I am REALLY digging my new(ly fixed) bangs.
@johncmayer I'm really glad you're back to your old tricks.
@VannyDel It's the way to be.
Schlorb on my knob. Check in with me and do your job. RT @VannyDel: @JohnMayerAsASim Schlorb.
@Chanosky That's very Quantum Leapish of you. I miss that show...ZIGGY says there's a 25% chance you already killed that hooker.
Gonna be a long night in the mansion. Barista at Sbux gave Maddy & I our drinks and a free iced vanilla latte from a drive-away @catdsilver!
So expect me to be awake until 4am, tweeting about sex, conspiracy theories and how much I admired my old physique (cough @johncmayer cough)
But what will I actually be doing this evening? Passing out from all the sugar I've put into old man balls. Crack is way better than this.
*sigh*
Looking forward to it already. RT @VannyDel: I'll do my job alright but if I do you're going to have a dislocated hip for a few days.
@Chanosky You really have to get Al to smack that prehistoric blackberry a little harder next time, so he can get a more accurate reading.
@Chanosky It's better than the iPhone I don't have. But this year I break from Verizon, screaming 'Fuck you, I'm a dragon.'
@meeshell78 Fapping. And it's awesome.
Oh look, a Canadian is walking into this Starbucks. No, it's not a joke.
I'm not being racist; I saw their license plate.
Does everyone go to Rollingstone to bitch about their breakup with @jessicasimpson? Shut the fuck up already and you'll get over it faster.
Also, I went to tryjm to see some reviews for @johncmayer's latest concerts. IDGAF about the weather or if you had your period. Music only.
@Chanosky Not sure if this is funny or sad but earlier today, I was thinking about pubicide...
@LuizaVilleneuve well, go to tryjm.com and download it.
@Stop_VerizaRape I don't think Rape is a joke. So I'm not partaking in this.
@Chanosky I saw something that looked like a bug going down the drain and it reminded me of an outbreak some girls I knew had in college.
@LuizaVilleneuve No, I just saw a license plate from Canada and a protector that said Toronto.
http://twitpic.com/16fo71 - Look at this sexy bitch (you see what I did there). I want to bang her like a 1950s housewife. Don't you all?
@chanosky it's only a plague if you do it wrong.
GPS location: http://is.gd/9Dv8U. secret shit.
That's actually a picture of me in my real form. I'm a sexless green game piece from the Game of Life.
@antitheistangie it ain't just Christians. It applies to followers of any religion who don't understand what they've been taught. Sad.
@Nick_Sydney shit.
@Nick_Sydney all they'll find is some hot brunette in a Prius, drinking coffee and playing with her bangs.
I cannot see my way out. Male Prostitution seems to be my only option. You can say no to being a night-looker, boy-hooker, rent-boy bro-pro
@VannyDel Bitch, I don't work for shit. I'm retired. I'll give you $5 from my pension check and that's in simoleons.
@VannyDel One Penny = $1 Simoleon. Faboo exchange rate. Sliaiabe blogrith
@VannyDel I mean, schlaba doorbie
God dammit, the daughter on 'The Middle' is so fucking annoying.
I love Bev D'Angelo. There are so many dirty things I would do to her.
@Jason_Pollock Season 6 will kick your brain into two pieces.
Maddy has a rush on the paper boy.

@ellebees I HATE OLDTIMERS ON MSM. DIAF.
@ellebees Congratulations on having a full library and no musical flexibility on your ipod.
God dammit Canada, getting LOST at 7pm!
@ellebees What's the point of playing anything off that album if @johncmayer got rid of his horn section? I wanted to play tenor sax for him
@ellebees Not a problem :)
@BrandonBarash Are they Samoas? If they're not Samoas they're not worth the $3.50.
Watching LOST on my windowsill. Getting down will require me to break my neck. WHATEVER.
I'm on a horse with tickets, oysters and diamonds.
Of course, don't tell Kate that Claire's back. Let the dumb bitch face him herself.
@catdsilver I'd better. I feel sexy today. Might grow my hair back out.
JIN?
I personally love the reverse cowgirl.
Why would you pay $68 for a gym? #commercialsduringLOSTthatidontunderstand
What the fuckstick #LOST

Why does this asshole on Tool Academy always cry?
Are they seriously using the theme to 'Love Actually'?
@TheSims3 'testingcheatsenabled true' - Because then I can magically turn off any unwanted desire/need/hunger/sweatiness, etc
@elvisduran Stamos says 'No' because he'd "put [his] foot in [his] mouth faster than John Mayer.' Love it.
@eliroth That's hot, but this is funny if you're a 'Mean Girls' fan: http://i46.tinypic.com/e9t6pj.jpg

@johncmayer You really want me to dislike you, don't you? You've gone too far....
@johncmayer You were some sort of flag on SNL just now
Did a zorap happen? I'm a drunken old man.
@circusizedpnuts ahh, well i'm sobering up and so is my hair, which means i'm tiring out.
@circusizedpnuts a drunken time where i hit on a bunch of betties. came home to my wife and sloshenly fucked around.
@circusizedpnuts oh hale naw
http://twitpic.com/15q78k - Really? No takers?
http://twitpic.com/15tkq1 - From SNL: A Jag is an irritating individual with no sense of a social filter and no realization of the implicati
@circusizedpnuts I can live and go for hours
@circusizedpnuts Bitches need to know how I roll.
@circusizedpnuts HA
Taking @sallyblock to bed. Will ravage, pillage and other -age things to her.
@cwm76 the Shining was also well done.
@antitheistangie #prochoice also means making the choice that's right for you, whether or not you keep the pregnancy.
These Olympic dancers look like an Up With People revival.
@catdsilver When I tell you to stop hanging out at the mall, I mean it. I'll always buy you whatever you want no questions asked.
@catdsilver Right away :)
@catdsilver Let's snuggle
http://twitpic.com/15q78k - @catdsilver bitches need to know.
@catdsilver Works for me. Let me get my Ensure cocktail
Jesus Christ, the Russian National anthem takes for fucking ever to end.
That is such a shitty French accent.
Hey @WilliamShatner, nice job tonight. Let's go out drinking tonight!
Catherine O'Hara is a feisty, fiery bitch.
Awww, people are standing and cheering for Michael J. Fox #olympics
Like to see Rush Limbaugh claim Michael J. Fox's shaking is a joke now, asshole.
@BrandonBarash I agree with @lukerpher. How many times have Sonny, Jason, even Spinelli been called thugs by Mac? Could be a drinking game.
@ecctv live feed somewhere?
@ecctv no, for the olympics