JM, As a Sim

@caitinlv i'm coming in cause the sluts in my life have gone to work their corners.
People like me, it may take me 10 minutes to take a piss, but people like me.
@VannyDel Lemme take some viagra. I think I have some feeling left down there.
@VannyDel also, you turn me on because you make the same sounds I do when I wake up in the middle of the night to nudge my wife for sex.
@VannyDel Oh girl, lemme get my cane. I'll be over there in 3 days. I get lost a lot so it could be a while.
@catdsilver You just wait til you get home. These girls on the internets have been turning me on.
@catdsilver I think he's going to buy himself and run away. Good for him. FUcking biker punk thinking he's the Fonz.
@catdsilver You're just like my second wife. Or my first. Just be glad you don't sparkle or else I'd shove you out a window.
@catdsilver Look, I will already be home and waiting naked in bed for you. I cannot promise I will be awake. But the viagra is in me.
@catdsilver So there's hardly a need to speak so dirty to me. Half the work is done for you.
I have the ghost of Richard Marx in a vase in my living room. Bought it on Ebay for a half eaten watermelon. Gets me through the hard times
@caitinlv Why are you awake? Are you, like me, having prostate issues?
@SugarPlumKelly It's not a good morning. I'm tweeting from the bathroom and I have a million Old Man Brand Vitamins to take when I get out.
John Mayer Brand Old Man Vitamins, coming to a store near you!
@IsabelaLaurence What do you mean? Old men can and should always wear cologne! We're very smelly!
@SugarPlumKelly I'm going to make John Mayer Old Man Brand Vitamins very weak and generic so that women can take them too. Candy, basically.
@SugarPlumKelly Oh, and *hugs*
Tuesday night I'll be even more irritating as I'll be livetweeting/spoiling Lost for everybody on every coast everywhere. ENJOYYYYYYYYYYY!
Q:What if the iPad came with Bluetooth? an... A:Then everyone would look like massive to... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/97420321
@cwm76 Any preferred countries?
@bobmaron We all miss you. FYI.
My blood is riled up this evening. Shouldn't have eaten those redhots.
@johncmayer You know, it's not an expose if you open up the fridge and proceed to hear voices because of the stank that comes out of it.
I'm stuck in a zorap with some whores this evening. Wife should be happy. Come on down to zorap.com/sugarplumkelly Bring a Smile to get in.

http://twitpic.com/109bct - I'm not worried. A little flirtation doesn't hurt.
@danewhite007 as a result, here's a family portrait: http://twitpic.com/109bct
Wanna see a family portrait of two people not in my will? Here you go: http://twitpic.com/109bct
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - Spending time with Maddy is my favorite thing.
http://twitpic.com/109co5 - I mean, she's adorable but very smelly. I'm not her dad so I don't have to bathe her.
I would be a great audience member for the State of the Union Address. I'm an old white man and I slept through it.
Where are my young whores? @bearheadedgirl I really want you to take off your top while I drink my Ensure and Baileys tonight. Still got it.
@bearheadedgirl I know why you're declining me. None of my women have ever been included in the will...
Though none of my ex-wives/past loves have been in the will, I've set up a charity for them. It's supposed to take the place of my alimony.
@bearheadedgirl HEY! I'll be whatever I wanna do!
Effing kids need to get off my lawn.
Oh what's this? Someone has written fanfiction about me? I wonder if I know these people or if they're writing it about my younger days...
I don't think SNL would allow me to host at my advanced age. It would just be me yelling at Kristin Wiig to shut the fuck up for 72 minutes.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be funny. I'm just saying, wait what? Oh yeah. I hate Kristin Wiig. And the next week they'd get her to spoof me.
Oh look @johncmayer storytellers is trending right now. What a paradox this is for me.
@Vanessa_Rose I dig your haircut. One of my exwives had it. I think her name's Consuela Bananahammock. I'm not sure anymore. Ask @caitinlv.
@Vanessa_Rose That's a lot of names and I, for one, am too old to remember that shit. I shall call her Flo.
@cwm76 then it's his problem. Or you can avoid all this by sleeping on quilted paper towels.
@caitinlv Where is our nightly zorap? i'm feeling very antsy as there are babies crying everywhere. And by babies I mean Walls and my wife
@caitinlv Is it still airing over there? wtf
@Benjamin__Linus which flavor/style and is it low-cal? I really shouldn't be eating this late at night. I'll be awake with prostate issues.
The wife slipped me a mickey and I'm passing out. How many times do I have to tell you, @catdsilver? Can't rape the willing.
Maddy ran into the bedroom this morning screaming, 'POOPIES, POOPIES, POOPIES!' Little girl's a psychic: I was getting up to do just that.
I'm Bored and everyone's at work/preschool/the corner earning their keep. Ask me something http://formspring.me/johnmayerasasim
I don't understand soap operas. Maybe because my life is eerily similar to one.
You crazy weatherman! I'm not going to freeze my tiny balls off to see Mars tonight!
@Benjamin__Linus While we're on the subject of Island Health Care Reform, why didn't the Island fix your vision problems. No more glasses.
@Benjamin__Linus Then it's clear that those people should be made to pay for it. Oh wait, they kind of are paying for it.
Q:What invention from back to the future II do you wish existed today?... A:Hoverboards! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481818
Q:Do you ever talk to strangers in bars or do you usually ... A:I love talking to strangers! http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481827
Q:Do you want a big wedding or would you rather... A:Elope, come back and have a huge party. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481833
Q:What would you say to John Mayer if you met him? ... A:Thank you http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/95481838
So less people are tweeting at me now that I'm talking so candidly. I'm offended. Maybe if I offered to put some of you in the will...
Who the fuck bought gummy bears? I wear dentures. This is torture!
I'll get them back by eating all of them and leaving my dentures in empty bag as a warning to the rest of them. Do not cross me.
@VannyDel this is why I've hired my wife to shoot me up with a caffeine IV three times a week. I figured she could use the extra pay.
Picture an old man eating gummy worms and that's what I look like eating gummy worms. Go figure.
Great. @catdsilver is yelling me that the gummy worms are going to raise my blood sugar. I don't care. I'll just drink myself to sleep.
@caitinlv Why not! I won't have to clean up the mess it'll make out of my dentures. I'll blame it on Belvedere or Kyla or Justin. Whatever.
@caitinlv Bastard child looks like Bobby HIll. @catdsilver and I want to sell him.
I've just been set fire to.
http://twitpic.com/10ev8o - I never wanted these nudes to get out.
Yeah, you all thought I was kidding. Thanks for the concern! http://twitpic.com/10ev8o
Watching Kill Bill 2 for the 8 millionth time. I just realized I should tell my kids that I killed their mother. My reasoning in next tweett
I mean, clearly, BB & Bill's daughter will turn out JUST FINE, with NO emotional scarring. She won't seek dysfunctional relationships w/men.
And there sure as hell won't be a 3rd generation of Club Daughters, with her at the helm as a pure bred Ninja Assassin, to look forward to.
So let me go get Maddy and tell her why her mother is no longer around...

@Jason_Pollock I remember reading 'A People's History...' in 11th Grade AP History. It was an eye opener.
I've just taken a few benadryl. My answers should be interesting. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
The whole Obama=Hitler thing always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Those who use it forget he killed people and then cowardly shot himself.
Q:Wanna come see the top secret Battle stu... A:That would be amazing actually. Lemme br... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88534015
Q:Would your life be better if you spoke s... A:My life would be different. I used to be... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88539381
Q:Is it alright if I say you have lovely e... A:That's really sweet of you. Which song ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88545398
Q:What movies are you looking forward to s... A:'I love you Phillip Morris' is one that ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88557195
Q:Do you respect a man who eats a salad fo... A:Yeah it's just lunch! Look at all that ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/88561303
Q:Do you believe that the world really wil... A:I think the world will eventually end at... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/89542778
Q:And one last question: Are you prepared ... A:I don't want or need an iPad. With my r... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/89619021
@VannyDel @richgates Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas (courtesy @johncleese)
@VannyDel - @johncleese's voice can turn me on in any situation, no matter what, where or who I'm with.
CASHEWS!
Better than any sort of @johncmayer fanfiction I've ever read - http://community.livejournal.com/j_mayer_fans/487954.html
@johncmayer like 'life could be a dream, sweetheart'? shaboom?
@caitinlv you basically did lose the fight since you stopped typing in caps.
@Benjamin__Linus She'd better be, she was warned at such a young age and was even given a snazzy NKOTB lunchbox for it. Bitch better behave!
@caitinlv then you lose the game
@caitinlv but i still love you and consider you my second wife, the one who ran around in her underwear and who i never understood.
@caitinlv i refer to her as consuela bananahammock!
@ellebees oh...
@caitinlv YOU ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME!
@caitinlv And before you go thinking I'm racist, I'm not. I'm just hella old. My eyes don't see so well.
http://twitpic.com/xvgr4 - @caitinlv I mean really, does this look like a man who can see well or at all? No. No it does not. Young @johncma
http://twitpic.com/h1u5w - In honor of #Lost returning next Tuesday, an old strip...
http://twitpic.com/h1u5w - What's worse is that Elderly John bought Kyla season 5 on DVD. Then spoiled it for her. How very @Benjamin__Linus
@ellebees sometimes I think he comes up with really impossible ones just to see if I can create a strip. Then I stop and drink more beer.
@ellebees One day @johncmayer & I'll talk about the strips and he'll say he was disappointed I didn't spend more time making ones on poop.
@ellebees It's like when a director wants to change something on a good script - "Listen kid, we really like it, but we want full frontal.'
So they still do Storytellers. What is this, 1994?
@Benjamin__Linus I am fully behind that idea.
There's a girl in the audience doing kind of a running motion during 'No Such Thing.' I didn't notice it until @Johncmayer sang 'run'...
Dear aforementioned girl, I see what you did there. Three months ago. Stop it. Love always, John Mayer, as a Sim.
If I meet one more beautiful girl with daddy issues...
@ellebees I think so, I have to see it again...
@ellebees i'm on the lookout. she seems like someone who would dance full out during daughters. i had to stop and start this over
@ellebees just got home.
@ellebees where is the striped dress girl sitting?
@ellebees cause they just panned through. the one who annoyed me sits in the center group of seats, i think?
Since I'm 30 minutes behind everybody, does he play Comfortable?
HAHAHAHAHA! THere's a guy standing up in the front row who's all 'Oh, yeah, I guess John's attractive. If you're into that.'
@ellebees so not center?
Thank you fathers for fixing our girls
@ellebees yeah, with walkways...
they read books and they don't get dirty looks.
@ellebees it bothers but doesn't shock me that there are more than one annoying girl in that audience.
@yearinla that's fucking disappointing considering he played it that night.
RECYCLOPS DESTROY!!!!!!!!
Dear Sudafed (12 hour version), I beg of you to never leave me again. If you marry me, we'll have a happy existence. My dowry is my nose.
@cwm76 Is there a trigger phrase to make it splash down like 'I don't know' on 'You Can't Do That On Television!"
Q:So, as you suggested, what are your tho... A:Okay, so it goes down like this: In 2012... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/91353816
Q:And I agree with you about this new release of Steve Jobs. It... A:This is not a question. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/91355999
Dear Jon Hamm - thanks for shaving that thing off your face. Now I can ovulate again.
Anyone watching Project Runway? Ping's like that lady you get stuck behind at the supermarket who doesn't know what she wants.
I'm really digging my new avatar.
@MCSafetyScissor That's because the internets frighten me.
For one week, I'm going to respond only as Elderly John Mayer as a Sim. No interjections from @sallyblock. Starting now.
Oh, and that includes tweeting.
I've met Pure Via. It's tried to kill me! Fuck Pure Via.
What flavor Ensure should I have this evening? Better question: why am I up so late?
I should just make sure that my latest wife @catdsilver hasn't tempered with it. Not like she's in the will anyway.

@MCSafetyScissor you got to go to the crossroads thing? awesome!
Thanks ipod, for not sending me any notifications that I was 4 days behind all of my Words With Friends games.
SO if you'd like to play with me on Words with Friends, my name is SMB120.
@richgates oh STFU, my dear
@richgates well listen up my beastly...
I actually am pretty terrible at talking dirty. I just can't...
@ShenaniganJenn how do you get super nude? does this involve shaving your scalp.
@richgates that makes sense. i would get used to it.
@ShenaniganJenn Better watch your mouth. It's shit like that which gets me in trouble in Brazil.
@ShenaniganJenn i have several names. I'm kind of scared that this is more than a possibility.
Babies are NOT found inside someone's stomach. If they were, you'd be shitting out babies and men could give birth. #teenmom #fail
@Benjamin__Linus I would follow you into the ocean. I believe you have a lot of good things coming to you. You've worked for it.
@Benjamin__Linus don't bother, just bring me.
@Benjamin__Linus I will be #teamlinus and I ask my followers, what about you? WHAT ABOUT YOU, INDEED!
A video on the official iPad - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFNQE_TzQNI
@Benjamin__Linus I'd ask you to follow me but I know you would never lower yourself to follow anybody.
finally feeling better...headwise.
In bed downloading shit for the Sims. I'd ask you to make a donation but given the Haiti situation, it'd feel selfish.
@TheSims3 my title name's great granddaughter Maddie.
@VannyDel i was a virgin for you!
my stomach is completely conflicted as to what to have for dinner
@Nick_Sydney that's turrible :)
@richgates naw, i don't have pancake mix
@IsabelaLaurence i hope so, cause i live alone
@Benjamin__Linus Don't worry about that, that guy's an ass. I never liked him. I don't think he's human #teamlinus
@richgates naw, cleveland brown
Look at what you did #Coco! You went out so big, you caused childbirth http://is.gd/7bIWV
So far 2010 has taken that short lady from Poltergeist/Teen Witch and Historian Howard Zinn. But fat asshole Rush Limbaugh lives on? No.
Oh, is that booing I hear? You don't like the words he's spewing? Now you know what it was like to be a Democrat between 2001-2008. #SOTU
One is sitting on her ass making Sim comics out of her favorite musician #SOTU
I love that Obama is calling everyone out for being a Mean Girl. He is so Tim Meadows #SOTU #meangirls
Them's some pissed off military folk...#sotu

More @johncmayer fanfiction and illegal use of the Ellipsis at 12:00
@MCSafetyScissor You see what's wrong with that? The reader is missing what happens in the ellipsis. Though it's not much, in this case :)
What's wrong with me that I read 'drastically' as 'dramastically?' No this is not related to any shitty @johncmayer fanfiction. However...
@wenyeelo I wasn't but given that I have 4 leftover Sam Adams from my birthday party, I pretty much have to.
I now wonder if with all the talk in the twitterverse, has @johncmayer gone in search of his own fanfiction?
Today's song: Mercenary Boys "Oh No You Didn't!" ♫ http://twt.fm/367419
More like, TROY YES! RT @KevinMarshall: It's my birthday so I'm walking around with no shirt on. TROY WHAT
A huge shout out to my fellow LOST fans. A great LOST video courtesy of my old friends @thefinebros. Watch it, WATCH IT! http://is.gd/76ZBs
@wenyeelo Thank you! :) My birthday is always on inauguration day and I'm glad it wasn't spoiled by Pres. coverage of some sort this year!
Last season's season finale of #LOST will be repeating at 9. Get ready for me to repeat almost everything I tweeted 9 months or so ago.
Hate Jacob? Want to kill Jacob? Then why don't you fucking do it? Nobody said you had to wait almost 150 years #Lost
@conormichael hold that fucker's head under water for 10 minutes. Jacob was clearly the weaker of the two, at least physically, also (cont)
@conormichael I really cannot wait for the meltdown/breakdown that Ben has when he realizes wtf he's done :)
So if Jacob's dead, and Richard said that he's ageless because of him, will Richard wither away before our eyes? Save the mascara! #lost
What about you? Yeah, you just don't say that to Ben Linus. He'll fuck your shit up. #lost

winding down

JFC, god forbid you say something bad about @johncmayer on ONTD. His resident stalker chans come out to defend him.
@VannyDel ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com
@VannyDel Great gossip site, but the Mayer posts are typically re-worded/exact copy pastas from TryJM.
@ellebees it's fine that you did. Next time, view it first on TryJM :)
@ellebees yeppers

Bonjour #peewee! #conan
The fight got so bad that the giraffe had to call his attorney, Optimus Prime.
YOU HEARD #CONAN! LET'S HAVE FUN ON TELEVISION!
Total price tag for this bit? 4.8 million dollars: I love nothing more than a horse watching restricted NFL footage. #conanobrien
Tomorrow, and this is just a thought, Conan and each guest should sing along to an original recording of the Beatles
Shit, I think I've taken the Barry Manilow diet - he just forgets to eat.
@cwm76 No, just take the cartridge out and blow on it.
@VannyDel they sell keyboard condoms for that
@VannyDel if not, saranwrap it.
http://twitpic.com/z90ou - Oh hai thar, @johncmayer
http://twitpic.com/z90ze - thank you so much @ExoticMoonFlwer
@conormichael I love Kurt Halsey!
@bearheadedgirl I wish everybody knew about kurt halsey. He's an amazing, incredibly unique artist :)
@IsabelaLaurence The woman in those pictures is me.
@IsabelaLaurence in short, sheer brilliance and honesty

@MeganRabren Reading is hella lame
@johncmayer That'd be good advice if the Howard Stern show still aired on E!
http://twitpic.com/sd2eo - Mon amour Brady, please return. It would make my birthday wish come true! My heart breaks for you. Love always
RT @twtfm: RT this and win an iPod Touch, Join MyLikes to win a Macbook Pro http://lx.im/4wbH #ad
Hey @johncmayer - reading the RS interview...Great shoutout to @bobmaron!

Q:Anything you'd like to get off your chest? A:I'm really digging my body lately. It's t... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/58424769
On this birthday, I'd like to thank my Mayer girls and boys for making the latter half of 2009 the wonderful time it was!
This includes @onlybymoonlight @_drina @bearheadedgirl @meeshell78 @caitinlv @SugarPlumKelly @VannyDel @MCSafetyScissor @Cheekiemunkey
And of course, @bobmaron and @johncmayer.
@KarenRowena thank you!
@SugarPlumKelly *hugs*
@bearheadedgirl i heart you and with any luck and a great tax return, i look forward to more concert tittays with you
@caitinlv seriously, let's hope for a great tax return :)
@ShenaniganJenn for my birthday, you should pole dance to 'Your Body is a Wonderland.'
Now Listening: "The Air that I breathe" - Hollies
@ShenaniganJenn you make my heart sing!
@shenaniganjenn http://twitpic.com/yzze0 - The fact that you have this cd...
@shenaniganjenn http://twitpic.com/yzze0 - And it's 'One mile to every inch of...'
Yay, Mel from Flight of the Conchords is on 'Modern Family'
@VannyDel Because it's been watching a LOT of KellyShoes videos.
It's my birthday. Ask me anything - http://www.formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
@ericaszk Danke!
@johncmayer come on into zorap and wish me a happy birthday. zorap.com/mcsafetyscissor must be sober to get in.

Want to date Conan O'Brien? Now you can - http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/cas/1558679241.html
I don't want to talk to you if you can't take 3 seconds out of your time to spell something out. I won't do you. You sound like a dumbass.
http://twitpic.com/yeu5p - Who would walk up to a mini notebook at Best Buy and randomly put up their twitter account as advertising? Serio
http://twitpic.com/yrb39 - @cwm76 what are you doing cruising for dates in Albany? I'm very confused.
Cannot stop making/eating cinnamon toast english muffins.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Bow down.
I do not enjoy how long it takes my game to load nor how slowly my computer runs while it's on.
Just saw the preview, @johncmayer. Happy Birthday to me - http://is.gd/6DvUm

Hey Larry King, is it really that hard to pronounce Susan Sarandon's last name? Sar-ANN-Dun.
Can someone tweet me when @johncmayer performs on CNN?
Oh, @johncmayer you're apparently responding to people's tweets on CNN. Please show your work #cnnhelphaiti
and now, here we go @johncmayer performing Heart of Life.
And now we write.
Q:We're going camping today. Wanna go ? A:No, it's snowy and quite cold. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/55065462
Q:Pet peeves or real "quirkiness" about yo... A:I live alone but I need to sleep with th... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/55065466

Oh Bill Hader...as #Conan. I love you. And wtf is Darryl Hammond doing back on #SNL? He left.
@johncmayer I'm not there, I promise.
I'm sorry but didn't the Ting Tings release this song this past summer? Play something new.
@Uilos it's quite possible!
You kill your second wife... #SNL
I cannot go back to being in a sketch every three weeks #SNL
@yearinla I'm thinking so...
Mo'Nique just got a standing ovation for her Golden Globe. I love it.
Why is Lauren Graham screaming? #goldenglobes
But..."Yellow Submarine" was a Ringo song. Fuck Ringo. Get your shit together, NBC. #GoldenGlobes
Paul McCartney is the only other celebrity, Christopher Walken is the other, who can get away with reading hand written notes on live TV.
Oh yeah, Michael C. Hall has cancer...
I'm sorry, Michael C. Hall deserved a Golden Globe a long time ago for 'Six Feet Under.'
Oh look, two wannabe trannies - Cher and Christina Aguilera #GoldenGlobes #sorry@kevinmarshall
@Cheekiemunkey hope you're okay :)
Is Amy Adams pregnant? WTF at that dress?
@yearinla Thought so. I missed the memo and couldn't explain/excuse that dress.
Bret Michaels is on the next season of the Celebrity Apprentice. I didn't know you could market syphilis.
Oh great, time for Cameron Diaz to come out and pretend she can read.
When you have a film directed/written by Nancy Myers, you'd better walk away cause it's the same movie again and again. And it'll suck.
Dammit, Elisabeth Moss, you're a Scientologist? http://is.gd/6u2zh
@KevinMarshall Will GI Joe also end at 11pm?
Chloe, why are you wearing bedsheets? #goldenglobes
Yay for Christophe Waltz. Anyone want to watch 'Inglorious Basterds' with me next Saturday, before my birthday party?
Oh James Cameron - way to stay classy and thank the woman you left Sarah Connor for.
<~~~ not seeing Avatar.

"$200 million? That is so much money" - Andy "It sure is, Andy!" - Conan
@bobmaron where are you? We're talking about Las Vegas in zorap.com/onlybymoonlight Bring your guacamole to get in.
@ExoticMoonFlwer you really need to know how awesome you are.
Hey! Bill Hader! Get out of my dreams and into my pants.
http://twitpic.com/yeu5p -

Favorite part of Kill Bill 2 (or one of them) - The Bride stares down at Elle Driver as if to say 'Jesus, you're making a lot of noise.'
On the condition that you call me Esteban...
Want to purchase the Tonight Show? Very easy:http://is.gd/6idAK
@JohnCMayer's twitter cleanse has burst into flames! - Jimmy Fallon
Time for bed!
@anidee http://twitpic.com/y91qc - you look fierce.
@anidee you're always welcome
Song of the day: David Gray "Nightblindness," off the album "Draw the Line."

There's no such thing as an audience of 30 million people - You go Coco #teamconan
Oh Conan, I love you and your passive aggression #teamconan
NBC spent more time building this studio than using it #teamconan
RIP Teddy Pendergrass
http://twitpic.com/xvwsa - @catdsilver were you aware that our kid was so ugly?
@VannyDel http://twitpic.com/y0ko0 - Oh dear, this cannot happen in the Sims 3. And I'm jealous.
@VannyDel I just found a Jessica Simpson Sim. I don't know what to do...
I really dislike Whitney Cummings
My love for the Apple Store knows no bounds.
It started out as a joke but it's becoming reeeeeaaaaaaaaalll.
Public Service Announcement: Kill Bill Vol. 2 is now airing on IFC.
@danewhite007 Oh girl, you know how to do me right.

Conan could go on to host 'Deal or No Deal,' considering that show was canceled.
http://twitpic.com/xvwsa - A moment in the mind of an Elderly John Mayer as a Sim.
http://twitpic.com/xvwsa - New Strip...go inside the mind.
A little more respect is due to Rosie O'Donnell http://is.gd/6aEKT She's canceled her appearance on Leno in support of Coco.
Q:International or Outernational? A:Why not both? Binational sounds nice. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/40155757
Sleep, everybody!

Q:All time girl/guy crushes. A:Guys - John Mayer, Ewan Mcgregor, George Clooney and Cary ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/34869611
I don't know where to begin with how fabulous that is. RT @ecctv: I'll just leave this here: http://bit.ly/8w7Teu
Good to know: Women, cause no one will ever not fuck you cause you're broke.
Effing hell, does every Nancy Meyers movie have to include a vacation of some sort?
Let's play Words With Friends on the iPhone! My username is 'Smb120'. http://bit.ly/2qbpQ
@KarenRowena that's fine! I'll dm you the numbers later lol

Oh, this. I'm down for this too. http://www.formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim RT @caitinlv: Try it. Try it with me. I know you won't. Pussy.
Q:You catch your boss skimming money via a... A:Get in on the scheme and then let her ta... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/32841270
@ellebees is your words w/friends name ellebees?
@ellebees your move, bitch.
@SNLUpdate Will it be regular running length?
Q:Rock on, sista. A:Thy will be done. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/32895968
You look like a nice girl but you're a freak, aren't you? - Charles Barkley
You shouldn't be looking at kids, Rich.
@richgates hahaah
See that look that Jenny Slate keeps giving to Kristin Wiig? That's the same look I get every time I think of Kristin Wiig. Small world.
http://twitpic.com/xhcbp - Take a ride with @johncmayer. He's a great driver.
Come on down to zorap, http://www.zorap.com/cheekiemunkey the password aintright
http://twitpic.com/xhcbp - Take a nice drive with @johncmayer. New strip!
Even if @johncmayer doesn't come back to Twitter, I'll still continue my strips.
Level 4 of Mario Wii - effing crazy
Day 6 of john mayer fanfiction hanukkah
Q:do you shave it? A:Once a month. But legs, every other day - not because it grows back... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/34551865
The BrewChoo train.
Would you like to donate the purchase of new Sims 3 sets? Please visit http://is.gd/5Z03Z Any amount is greatly appreciated.
A classic - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BodXwAYeTfM

zorap.com/mcsafetyscissor Bring a pickle!
Mr. @richgates, come on over to zorap.com/mcsafetyscissor and bring a pickle to get in
@richgates my hair and i formally invite you.
Let's play Words With Friends on the iPhone! My username is 'Smb120'. http://bit.ly/2qbpQ
You know there's a tweet from @johncmayer coming around 3am, right?
'Life After People' fascinates me.
Found the perfect font for future strips. Now I just need to make more strips.
Would you like to donate to @johnmayerasasim? Please visit http://is.gd/5Z03Z.
Paypal donations are for me to purchase new sets and hair for my Sims, which I then use in strips, @IsabelaLaurence. They are not obligatory
@ben_mayer At least you have pride in your hometown. There's nothing to do in Woodridge, NY worth writing home about.
http://twitpic.com/xgmwc -
Since @MCSafetyScissor left his room, I started up my own zorap. need to be a foodie to get in.
http://twitpic.com/xgmwc - I don't know if @bobmaron would approve, but dammit - it was delicious.
shutting the room off for a minute and coming back after SNL.

Day six of John Mayer Fanfictionhanukkah continues!
Oh, the lulz - http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2010/0107101lambert1.html
"Maybe he can be influenced by the ever proper Madonna, or Britney spears, on the acceptable kinds of kissing..." http://is.gd/5W1GF
Hopeful - http://is.gd/5W1X6
@caitinlv I'm really sorry JMAaS can't properly fill the void...oh if I could.
OOoooh, A fish called wanda.
@tonyheld http://twitpic.com/xaqto - Yes please.
Kill'em with kindness folks.

http://twitpic.com/x25ko -
http://twitpic.com/x25ky -
http://twitpic.com/x25ky - ny current cellphone wallpaper.
"I would be ashamed to walk around naked. I look weird." - girl sitting behind me, endlessly yappering at her date, who I has yet to speak.
And to make my day better, day 5 of John Mayer fanfictionHanukkah continues!
@MCSafetyScissor if she leaves him alone, i want to ask him out for myself...after i find out whether or not he's cute
Oh dear girl, here's a tip - DON'T BRING UP ROOMMATE DRAMA ON THE FIRST DATE. SHUT UP.
"then i won't wear my giant, balloon like miracle bra next time," the girl on the date behind me says. Oh right, like there'll be a date.
@Cheekiemunkey I just feel SOOOOOOOO bad for him. My god, stfu, lady :)
they're leaving, and she's stretching to drive him to his car.
Worst date ever is on it's way out. Gonna stalk you on craigslist.
@IsabelaLaurence livejournal.com/akogfiction
@isabelalaurence *ahem* http://community.livejournal.com/akogfiction/
@IsabelaLaurence patience, i retweeted
@KevinMarshall I think we can officially agree: Fuck NBC.
I swear to god...I'm being fucked with.
@IsabelaLaurence yo te hablo fuerte cuando tu no quires creer que yo no soy John Mayer
ATENCION Brasil: Yo no soy John Mayer
@IsabelaLaurence yes you did, several times. this conversation is over :)
@meeshell78 haha, it's like you're taunting me :)
@IsabelaLaurence It's not a problem, just don't get mad or defensive when I say I'm not him.
@IsabelaLaurence It's not a problem, just don't get mad when I say it. I'd be in a lot of trouble if I lied and said I was him.

@bobmaron Are you aware of how many adoptive daughters you have on twitter? I believe, including myself, there are currently five...
@caitinlv yeah, you adopted him first. I would like to think I was second, considering his resemblance to my actual, less awesome father.
@meeshell78 @bearheadedgirl i think he'd go for it. plus the rest of us love you so why not?
Sitting on my ass, eating candy canes and being a little concerned.
@bearheadedgirl oooh girl, you know it. #peppermintisgoodforme
oh look who's starting a zorap
bring canes to sallyb
@cwm76 Too easy. You clearly mean the gold fleshlight.
@cwm76 come on into zorap.com/sallyb the password is canes. we're discussing your future girlfriends.
@1foxylady what?
@1foxylady oh, lol. .naw we were just joking about all that :)
Some guests on Clean House are really just future guests on Hoarders.
Day 4 of extended hanukkah, @johncmayer fanfiction has been posted again. This time it includes @cwm76. Why God, why?
What have I learned from this latest entry of John Mayer fanfiction? Periods are optional.
@meeshell78 seriously? when people write about who they idolize.
@meeshell78 @bearheadedgirl Sometimes, there's fanfiction involving @johncmayer and jason mraz. I don't get it...
@bearheadedgirl @meeshell78 and for whatever reason, they sometimes include @cwm76. Not in that way, though.
@bearheadedgirl Well, they're both poorly written, in most cases.
@bearheadedgirl @meeshell78 @cwm76 OH COME ON, we all know it's pornly written too.
@k8thompson @bearheadedgirl @meeshell78 -@cwm76 is always written as a stock character, very bland. Has the writer seen his twitter?
@caitinlv @k8thompson @meeshell78 @bearheadedgirl which is sad because if you think about it, @cwm76 would be a spectacular character.
Two weeks til my birthday. Prepping you all.

http://twitpic.com/wqaog - A young @johncmayer plans his future, from the kitchen.
http://twitpic.com/wqb7n - A younger @johncmayer plans his future from the kitchen.
@richgates well come into zorap sometime, dammit!
Q:Pepsi? ,coke? ,other? A:Vanilla pepsi only (I'm responsible for it being ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/19067607 #formspringme
Q:Does my ass look fat in these jeans? A:Your ass looks great in those jeans. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/18742514 #formspringme
I love candy canes.
Where is everyone tonight?
@k8thompson how many people are up in your zorak? i'm not coming in if everyone's bailing in 5... :)
Q:Ever fucked a guy with your cats ... A:Several times, back when I lived ... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/22195233 #formspringme
Q:DO you have any Advil? A:Aleve. No advil. Advil is for pussies.... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/22225158 #formspringme
Q:In a song about you, what would t... A:O'Malley, dilly dally, Bali, Salv... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/22225072 #formspringme
Q:What food takes you to your happy... A:Coffee, tea cake, blackberry torc... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/22229036 #formspringme
@Nick_Sydney Class-ay.
@Nick_Sydney Sorry, but when your doors are broken, the cats will go where they please and watch what they please.
@Nick_Sydney ah, that's where we differ! Mine are like stoners. They don't so much as watch but just fall asleep in the same room as stuff.
@caitinlv Tell your questioner to start talking to her boss's boobs. Doesn't matter if they're male or female. Works just as well.
Fuck, is zorap still going on? I'm jumping in.
@k8thompson your password's dun broke. please help.
@k8thompson boo...starting up my own then!
zorap/sallyb latenight!
if anyone's still awake, please stop on bah. sallyb.
@SugarPlumKelly that means you!
@richgates and you
where are you @richgates?
Goodnight my darlings!
@rinygrin why would you find someone who will always look 14 years old attractive? That's just silly.
http://twitpic.com/wqb7n - John Mayer as a Sim - just tryin' to feed his future.
Oh good afternoon to me, there's a new John Mayer fanfiction. Second day in a row. It's like the 8 days of Hanukkah all over again.
@eliroth My father looks like a Jewish Cheech Marin. Quite trippy.
Why am I on a Damien Rice kick?
@BunnyEars I was looking over a post about Lost by @_ack and was reminded that he existed.

New @johncmayer fanfiction! Lesson learned? Paragraphs can be more than one sentence long. Elipses = words left out, not trailing off.
http://twitpic.com/wl0g1 - @catdsilver is it the fact that they're making out, that there's a new @bobmaron portrait or that he's drinking a
For everyone, and @richgates - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zRIRQZRjuk
@richgates the humpty dance is your chance to do the hump.
Memory: listening to @gdgofficial play 'Walking in Memphis' at the cast party for 'South Pacific' - 1995.
@cwm76 wonderful new profile pic!
@IsabelaLaurence i'm now going to stab my ears off. thanks :)
@ShenaniganJenn it turns me on when you do...
@ShenaniganJenn I love you too. Now start spreading the rumor that @johncmayer is DMming you during his digital cleanse.
Cannot tell which is more delicious: tonight's #Intervention or this steak i just made
@IsabelaLaurence no
@IsabelaLaurence for the last time, @sallyblock is @johnmayerasasim. I have nothing to do with @johncmayer.
The father on #intervention looks like my college mentor and Bill Murray combined. In short, I'm in love.
@IsabelaLaurence how am i deceiving you? go through my twitpics. That brunette chick with the gap in her teeth and big boobs? That's me.
Wow, I just described myself as a big boobed, gap toothed woman. I've reached a new level of awesomeness, eh @ShenaniganJenn
Whenever TV spots say 'This program contains material that parents may find unsuitable for younger viewers,' I respond with 'You promise?'
I miss my Sims game. I hope the Apple Store calls me tomorrow so I can get the disc drive replaced.
I made this 3 years ago...before my addiction to the Sims - http://twitpic.com/wpwe4
@richgates how the fuck you been?
Another strip is coming your way this evening.
that little boy on #hoarders is going to make me cry. Omfg.

@bearheadedgirl http://twitpic.com/wg9kz - I fucking love that place.
Want to ask me something? Anonymously? http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim
Goddammit, I'm out of it this evening.
@Cheekiemunkey what's the size
Q:How much wood would a woodchuck chu... A:None. It's a front for a meth lab. http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/18074204 #formspringme
Q:Can I Borrow some sugar? A:You are not my neighbor. But if you were, ye... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/18075336 #formspringme
Working on a new strip.
@IsabelaLaurence well then get off twitter.
Oh dear, people just keep getting uglier in the soul, don't they?
http://twitpic.com/wl0g1 - First strip of 2010, featuring @bobmaron and @johncmayer. Remember to click on the link to view it in full size.
http://twitpic.com/wl0g1 - Adventures in dreamland with @johnmayerasasim

@caitinlv come to zorap!
zorap.com/sallyb - are you hungover? you'd better be or else you ain't getting in.
RT @petewentz worn down into the ground. i need to be plugged in the wall and recharged. all power to the front shields.
I just googled the most annoying singer on the planet - Joanna Newsom - http://is.gd/5KezA.
Joanna Newsom is disappointed that people call her voice 'Child like.' Maybe she'll feel complimented that she sounds like Yoko Ono dying.
Scotty n'est pas!

JLO's vag just wished NYC a happy
New Year.
Happy New year @johncmayer. you have made my year better in more ways than I can ever tell you.
To all my friends and followers, happy 2010!
http://twitpic.com/w6nrs -
@bearheadedgirl http://twitpic.com/w6f8c - it looks like a yarmulke.
Never underestimate fifteen beers, a little enlightenment and the power of Rob Bass and D.J E-Z rock - My Name is Earl
@ecctv thanks for telling me about E! I was bored and now have something to watch!

From someone on ONTD regarding Rush Limbaugh's reported heart attack, "Hate clogs arteries." http://is.gd/5Hl1J
I may not like Rush Limbaugh, in fact, I detest the man's principles and blatant hypocrisies. However, I do not wish him death.
@RockinRhonda77 it doesn't have a pinhole.
@RockinRhonda77 yeah, i have an appointment tomorrow with the mac store.
i got tied up in something and forgot to come back to zorap. now i'm exhausted. see y'all tomorrow on the last day of the year!
Classy and I love you. RT @Uilos "Mom, I'm going on the LIRR with a bottle of champagne. Not Crack Cocaine!"
http://twitpic.com/w3ct3 -
@johncmayer However, you should know that if you do decide to text late at night, people will forgive you for that. The desire is human.
I wish I could record and share the sound of my disc drive failing to eject my Sims 3 disc. It is sad.
@thesims3 if I lose my new Adventures disc due to mechanical errors with my macbook, can I order a replacement for free?
I got the disc out of my drive! Now to get the drive replaced.
Let's play Words With Friends on the iPhone! My username is 'Smb120'. http://bit.ly/2qbpQ