JM, As a Sim

To all the sexy men and women on my list, I bid you a wonderful day. To the uggos, I say Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
@caitinlv I'll be there in 3 weeks...with a cane.
look at Sayid not giving a shit...
OHHHHH - Miles got fat jokes #LOST
@ecctv She even talks like her.
Dear @pixolita, Bring your swimsuit. Maddy and I'll be staying at the Best Western Primrose on Carlton when we visit in May. Rooftop Pool.
Dear Mayer chat friends - I cannot do that thing we planned on if my game keeps crashing. My apologies. Perhaps netx year.
@SugarPlumKelly Yeah, very irritated.
Maddy just gave me a manicure. my nails are hot pink and it's hard to type

Will I drag my old ass to the gym? Perhaps. While there will I hit on some hotties? Definitely.
@catdsilver that's cause I installed a cheat on your sim so you wouldn't.
What is going on today, my followers? I hope you're all doing well. And if you're not, you're doing it wrong.
Someone told me the other day that Maddy's birthday was coming up. I stabbed them.
These are temporary solutions to permanent problems.
Oh, and I heard somewhere that my brother was coming to visit me this week. I'm scared and should all of you.
I mean, you should all be scared as well.

@kisstheground THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE
You are a complete dumpster fire.
@caitinlv want me to rub your feet?

Does anyone want to come to my drunk zorap? bring a bordeaux to zorap/sallyb
Please come in...I'm drunk and scared...
@tonyheld drag your ass into zorap.com/sallyb bring a bordeaux and see @nick_sydney again!
@meeshell78 come to zorap!
@bobmaron come on into zorap.com/sallyb - bring a bordeaux and see nick sydney before he goes home
Trufax: Everytime I see the word "Manila," I think Manilow. Would I perform in Barry Manilow? WHO WOULDN'T?

Nobody did a zorap?
@tonyheld http://twitpic.com/1b4ira - THAT IS AWESOME!

You should all listen to this song and commit it to heart: David Gray "Nemesis" ♫ http://twt.fm/397457
@caitinlv are we zoraping tonight?
@caitinlv Oh girl, I'm watching it right now, sobering up after my bailey's ensure

Best tweet ever RT @catdsilver @JohnMayerAsASim No, while you were drunk you just got a BJ while watching Lost and it screwed everything up.
@meeshell78 have a dirty old man hug.
Hey ladies and gents. RT @_drina #Hi @Vanessa_Rose @ConorMichael @caitinlv @JohnMayerAsASim @strem73
@meeshell78 haven't gotten a complaint yet
SALMON TIME! FEEL MY OMEGA-3!
I love it when @sallyblock sits in the livingroom in a pair of boyshorts eating a bagel with salmon. It's a sight.
Time to make some damn strips.
For those who asked, there is indeed a Facebook fanpage - http://is.gd/aXegu
@ninaisshort Oh woman, I will always save room for that place!
RIP Robert Culp
Need to do some editing before next week's project reveal. Tweaking.

AND NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN THIS DAY!
MADDY! Come home. I'm bored. If I didn't want you to do better than Walls I'd take you out of school and watch horroe movies all day.
I think I'm gonna sleep all day today and hold my balls why doing so. @catdsilver and some of y'all women are on the prowl.
BUT HEY, WE HAVE HEALTH CARE REFORM NOW! #latetothegame
Y'all need to STFU cause LOST is on and I'm tired
Even I have to admit that Richard is sexy...
Ohhhh, you wanted him to kill Jacob #lost. You suck, #smokemonster
So who else is glad this episode of #lost is an extra 10 minutes long?
@MsCandace Nope, usually over at 9:56, now running til 10:06 for tonight only
Ooooh, Whitest Kids U'Know. Hilarious.
Son of a bitch - while I was drunk earlier this evening I had clarity into the real meaning of what LOST was ALL ABOUT, the answer.
Now I'm sober and angry. and I have no answers. Er, uhm, it's like an angry toddler who can't yet talk, drawing on the walls - no sense.

Dammit Maddy! Why can't you be a genius who doesn't need school so I can sleep and not drive you there? I love you.
SHE HAD THE DAY OFF AND NOBODY TOLD ME! YOU ASSHOLES LET ME WAKE UP AT 6AM TO DRIVE MADDY TO SCHOOL!
Mascara with Richard Alpert - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWAidHaZYzo

@catdsilver welcome to awesometown. Population: us.
OH MY GOD - NEW @JOHNCMAYER FANFICTION COMPLETE WITH RUNON SENTENCES AND COMMAS INSTEAD OF PERIODS!

@mcsafetyscissor nevermind, done
@SallyBlock http://twitpic.com/18djsg - chuck schumer!
When idiots decided they knew how to spell everything. RT @caitinlv: When did itbecome popular to spell "whine" with a g in it?
Whine with a "g" in it is pronounced "hinge" with a "w" in front of it, not the way it's intended, @caitinlv
Oh, @caitinlv, and I forgot, IT'S ALSO FUCKING WRONG.
Time to drink some coffee. If I don't, one of you will die.
@caitinlv You're a sexy black winj.
Is it possible to have (good) oral in a hammock? @catdsilvver, let's find out!
@caitinlv I've been with a man before, it was nice. I should've gone in that chat and told that kid whatfor. You are none of those things
Ooooh, FINALLY A JOB FOR MY OLD MAN BALLS:http://is.gd/aQIAL
@caitinlv Oh, to treat ballfish!
"Do you know what I have? The Sims family that keeps getting murdered!" Liz Lemon
Time to go on a random following spree
@VannyDel Sit your black ass down, I'm already following you :) *sbliorm scholop*
@VannyDel *dies*
@VannyDel It's from that hour glass machine, right? I remember it from my youth
@VannyDel First time I drank it, I was in my 20s. I was freaked out.

Drove Maddy to school and we listed to music that was a hit back in my day, "Rhapsody in Blue."

Me-ow. @KevinMarshall
Today a co-worker said her computer was being gay. I asked her if it was having sex with other men. No? Ok, then it's not gay.
And by coworker I mean Walls.
@MCSafetyScissor either way you can't call it gay
Watching ANTM with Maddy tonight, as a lesson in how not to live your life.
@cwm76 She got torn apart in a time machine on her way back from a 1990's gay bar.
So that was the series finale of 'Scrubs?' Will it stick this time? WIll Elliott forever be pregnant? Thanks for nothing.
WHAT IS THIS, 1958? How long does an old bastard like me have to wait for an iPhone? Thanks a lot, @sallyblock. Been waiting for 8 months
@_drina http://twitpic.com/17g6z0 - Them's kosher?
@VannyDel Because I'm from the future
@VannyDel I'm not sure where I am lately
Going old man clothes shopping while Maddy is sleeping. Cause god dammit, I can't go naked all day...oh, wait.
@_drina Naw, just from the future :)
@_drina Nope, I drive a Prius. I'm not from Australia.

@Jim_Wolf I make wonderful omelettes
@Jim_Wolf white american cheese with tomatoes. English muffin.
@Jim_Wolf We're in zorap.com/vannydel right now. come on down. bring a turkeytesters to get in
@Jim_Wolf Double cheese omelettes are awesome
@catdsilver I've heard that @sallyblock was born to that song...
I want a bagel with Jew salmon tonight. Yum.
Watching Monsters Inc with Maddy. My favorite film
@vannydel @caitinlv This never happened, and I don't want to see any paperwork.
I can't help it. That last moment when Sully opens the door and Boo says 'Kitty' always makes me tear up.
"Richard is angry"? Thanks for the caption, ABC.
Miles: she works with my dad at the museum.
Imagine a tv spinoff with Fake Locke if he ever succeeded getting off the island, trying to adjust to modern society. Comedy gold.
Oh, 'Because.' That's a good reason.

@caitinlv It would just be chicken. Sit your crazy ass down over there...
@VannyDel for what? for being awesome and sexual chocolate? yes.
@VannyDel chorppity clirppry
RT @annaresa: PSA: there does NOT = their. Your does NOT = you're. It's does NOT = its. Let's try to learn these, mmkay? Pop quiz in the AM!
I thought it was so important I had to re-tweet it twice.
PSA: there does NOT = their or they're. Your does NOT = you're. It's does NOT = its. Let's try to learn these, mmkay? Pop quiz in the AM
And then I had to kill @mcsafetyscissor
It's = it is, Its = 'It has.' They're = "They are." Women will fuck you if you know the difference because you'll sound educated
@MCSafetyScissor You sit your ass down and go to school!
The wife has drugged my ass to get me into bed. Goodnight world.
Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.
I love how you always act like it's the first time you've seen me naked @catdsilver
Children?! What albums should I download for tomorrow's naked walkabout the neighborhood?
@VannyDel I need to sit down for a minute
@ShenaniganJenn That is offensive and you should feel bad
@ellebees Not a bad idea, but it helps me fall asleep and I'd like to avoid that.
@mdiviesti I am too sexy for my shirt.
@ShenaniganJenn We both know I'd like that too much
By the way, the new Bonobo album 'Black Sands' is amazing and you should all buy it.
I'M JEWISH, @ellebees! STOP TRYING TO CONVERT MY OLD MAN BALLS!
Someone told me to beat my kids this evening. IT's about 26 years too late. And I'm not starting with Maddy...
Though, maybe if I had, Walls wouldn't still be living in this fucking house.
I ate too much Jew salmon tonight.

YEAH!!!!! RT @krisarms: @JohnMayerAsASim And you, m'dear, are a god amongst men. Calgarians salute you by the hundreds.
This is a cautionary tale: a boombox is not a toy.
@kisstheground Watch SNL tonight. and if a stripper is still using a boombox then she's not doing it right.
@kisstheground In my experience, a whole sound system at a club.
@kisstheground Oh, never had one of them.
American Psycho is on IFC right now.
Trufax: I used to know someone who dated one of the prostitutes in 'American Psycho.' Not the one who sticks around to get chased...
Two minutes until the Semi-Annual Time Traveling Extravaganza!!!!!
Being a good old Jew and eating a bagel with Salmon
http://twitpic.com/18muat -
@MCSafetyScissor Are you up to date with the patches? What happens? Go to support.ea.com
@itrevormoore She had a band, was a stewardess then a pilot, and a stay at home mom - which implies she had a sugardaddy (not Ken).
@itrevormoore I basically mean to say that Bitch made it work.
@Benjamin__Linus There is a man in @sallyblock's office who looks just like you. His name is Steven. Sally has a crush on him but is scared.
@catdsilver Get your sexy ass on the Arc Trainer. It'll make your ass toned in half the time of the elliptical.
@LuckyTheresa That song about friendship that they sing in the car should be everyone's ringtone for their best friend. Trufax.
Today is Sunday and I've had my first cup of coffee in two days. Feel free to ask me anything as I feel very responsive this afternoon.
@catdsilver http://www.arctrainer.com/ Good for the ass.
@MCSafetyScissor After it starts working, you can no longer use the old disc to run the game.
@MCSafetyScissor Oh...that's fucked.
@MCSafetyScissor Did you check this page out? http://forum.thesims3.com/jforum/forums/list.page
@catdsilver That's how you know I'm about to show up
@MCSafetyScissor Oh. Hmph....yeah, then tech support intervention is important.
@catdsilver I will smack the ass but never enter unless you ask. But even then why would I when you already have a better parking spot.
Q:If you were a stripper, what would your stage name be and why?... A:Old Dirty Jew Bastard http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/307167113
Q:How's your hip? A:Which one? They're constantly thrown out of alignment because I ref... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/307186432
Q:Name 3 things that you absolutely REFUSE... A:My current wife :)No, uhm, seriously? T... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/307208227
@vannydel, I have answered your questions.
IT WAS IMPORTANT NEWS FOR YOUR EVERY DAY LIFE, @CAITINLV!
http://twitpic.com/18n9dw - Why I love Maddy and so should you.
YOU CAN'T SEXFIRE ME! I SEXQUIT!
LISA! YOU'RE A WONDERFUL CHILD! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!
Today is Sunday. Feel free to ask me anything as I feel very responsive this afternoon.
He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you!
@SugarPlumKelly awesome :)
Watching Tool Academy. They'd better cry.
Wow, I didn't know that tanning made you feminine. Thanks #ToolAcademy!
@johncmayer I patiently await your arrival.
To Catch A Predator is on MSNBC right now. NAKED DUDE!!!!!!!!
Girls, it's that middle aged guy who went into the mcdonalds...
@SugarPlumKelly I swear, I've never done this before.
CHATTING? YOU'RE SITTING IN HIS KITCHEN NAKED, JOHN!
@SugarPlumKelly I just wanted some cookies.
John Kenelly: a winner, everybody...http://is.gd/aFixy
I was just gonna get something to eat...
There's obviously a mistake, @caitinlv. I just wanted to get McNuggets and sweet chili sauce so I could eat like an Olympian champion.
@caitinlv I would share what I found in the back with you

TIME FOR DDRUNKEN JOHNMAYERASASIM ZORAP.
Oh, and for all who wonder: @sallyblock's hair is at epic levels this evening
MANISCHEWIITZ CHOCOLATE MACAROONS FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you're a good country singer, you don't need to wear a cowboy hat. Seriously.
What's it do? http://is.gd/auD8t
I call people from Calgary, Calgarians. It sounds epic and makes you sound important.

Arthur was good enough to die last week...
@catdsilver Bonobo or M. Ward. Definitely M. Ward. Let's spoon to his slow cover of Bowie's "Let's Dance." It'll be romantical.

http://twitpic.com/17stdw - In case you were curious, this is what I look like in real life.
Just kidding, but wouldn't it be hilarious.
9 followers short of 300. Follow me, @johncmayer, you want to see what happens in your future. Hint: Silver carpets to match the drapes.
Oh, @catdsilver. It will never not be strange.
Time to shower and wash my old man balls. Do something valuable with YOUR time while you wait for my return. Maybe donate to Save the Music?
Dear @conanobrien - Way to be in Toronto a week before I will. I will miss you deeply.
You know what, I bet you that the secret to LOST is that it's all Vincent's dream. Vincent? The dog. #LOST
MEGADESK! #OFFICE
Oh happy day. New @johncmayer fanfiction. Time to dine like a champion. Happy birthday @cwm76.
Oh great, and push your pro-life beliefs on your fanfiction readers...
Until you go someplace else or are kidnapped or black out. RT @caitinlv: @johncmayer Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
@tonyheld You are NOT coming up my way this weekend?! http://www.lakegeorgesteamboat.com/ is 20 minutes away from me (@sallyblock
@mdiviesti I am a truly amazing individual...and I have amazing old man balls.
@mdiviesti A smelly one.

http://twitpic.com/17nvbz - Do today's kids even know what a stick is? Yes, George Carlin, yes they do.
Q:Name 5 things you absolutely could not l... A:Bailey's flavored Ensure, a good blowjob... http://formspring.me/JohnMayerAsASim/q/286813841
@VannyDel Thanks. @catdsilver takes care of all that shit.
Listening to music all day and thinking inappropriate thoughts while doing so. Oh life!
http://twitpic.com/17stdw -
http://twitpic.com/17stdx -