JM, As a Sim

@DarkUFO RICHARD ALPERT. ALL THE WAY.
Trufax, @shenaniganjenn, if you want to know how to kill me, just feed me some sugar free anything. i'll break out in hives/die in a fire.
VIVA LA WHITE GIRL
@ShenaniganJenn Welp, all fake sugars/sugar hybrids cause me to have some sort of allergic reaction and make me feel like death.
@ShenaniganJenn Includes, not limited to, stevia, sweetNlow, splenda, equal, etc. All cause me headaches, stomachaches, hives.
@ShenaniganJenn That's alright. You do that. I'll start singing Miley Cyrus every now and then.
IT'S THE CLIIIIIIIII- oh, sorry @ShenaniganJenn
@ShenaniganJenn I'm sorry. I love you.
I hope this dumb bitch on Teen Mom is pregnant again.
GOD DAMMIT SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! SHE'S JUST FAT! SOMEONE STERILIZE THE BITCH! #teenmom
Somebody better break the news to Norway, they were really close.

@caitinlv truth
It's how I stay young. RT @OmarDoom: Drinking unicorn blood
@katerspie No, but that'd be awesome :)

Watching a repeat of Dr. Linus. My heart goes out to you all.
late night thunderstorm. EVERYBODY CUDDLE ROUND ME FOR WARMTH AND SAFETY!
@johncmayer More importantly, what color would it be?
@johncmayer It'd be funnier if it had a sticker which said 'I stop for honkeys'
Points lost for obviousness RT @kellyjpk: RT @johncmayer More importantly, what color would it be?.....It would have to be neon!!!!
GO TO SLEEP! @NOTCATDSILVER AND I ARE DOING IT AND Y'ALL ARE BEING TOO LOUD!
@kellyjpk glow in the dark blue
Sweet dreams children. *falling asleep to Law & Order: Criminal Intent.*
@caitinlv You tell her to back the eff off. I'm coming over soon and I'm not taking no for an answer.
@caitinlv i'll bring some aleve w/codeine!
@Simon_Callender and for your honesty, you get followed
TRYING TO PLAY MYSELF!
I need a new background...
Dear Twitter: I WANT TO CHANGE MY BACKGROUND. SO HELP ME GOD, YOU WON'T STOP ME!
Followers new and old: any questions for me on this busy Sunday? Ask away. I'll tell you anything you want to know.
@caitinlv @cheekyisshy @bearheadedgirl @meganrabren @k8thompson I am an 80 year old strong black woman. AARP confirmed it last week.
Today is the day David Gray saved my life.
@twitter why can't I update my background design? It keeps telling me the site is over capacity when it clearly isn't...
WHY IS THERE NO CANDY IN THIS HIZZY?
I was just in ustream. Any of you see me there? SEE THE JOKE I MADE ABOUT MY LAST WIFE WHOSE NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER?!?!
@bearheadedgirl you're welcome
RT @t_rim: To Catch A Predator!!! :)

can i get into zorap without it crashing?

HEY! Wanna be awesome and read the innermost thoughts of my creator? Visit/follow http://blockparted.tumblr.com
I'm jealous of the animation on Futurama. I wish I was drawn that well...
I'll follow you back if you do! RT: HEY! Wanna be awesome and read the innermost thoughts of my creator? Visit/follow http://is.gd/dtNxr
Naw, just HPV or something RT @notcatsilver: Are you prostituting yourself for followers again? This is how we get viruses!!
FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN! RT @bearheadedgirl: @JohnMayerAsASim there's a shot for that now anyway.
@notcatsilver They're not your sons. Dominic and Walls were from my previous marriages to, uhm, whatsernames...
And no, @notcatsilver, there will be no sex talk for Maddy. Belvedere can learn it where he works: on the street corner.
@notcatsilver aw, I miss your white ass :)
EVERYONE LOOK AT MY SASSY WIFE! RT @notcatsilver: @JohnMayerAsASim You can replace that 'm' with a 'k', love! Saucy emoticon inserted here.
terminal bonitis: YOU CAN HAS.
Dammit peggy hill, I really hate you.
Dear minions: IT'S HOT OUTSIDE. SHOWER ME WITH YOUR TONGUES. That is all.
THIS WII UPDATE IS TAKING FOREVER, MINIONS!
@tonyheld http://twitpic.com/25vi73 - This is the sexiest thing I have ever seen.
Dear new followers: HOW DID YOU FIND ME AND CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I AM?! if you do, I'll follow you back! Lurve, this dirty old bastard.
Woke up to more bad fanfiction, NOW WITH SHITTY PHOTOSHOP! WRONG ON TWO LEVELS!
MINIONS - JOE VS. THE VOLCANO IS ON AND I'VE FINALLY CAUGHT IT BEFORE THE LAST 5 MINUTES!
Seriously - how did you new followers find me? I'm looking at you; @asofiacba @UntappedBand and @Simon_Callender. Best answer gets followed!

@BrandonBarash You forgot his breakout hit: Mad Douche, followed by Mad Douche Beyond Douchingdome.
Jesus, there's another chapter of this bullshittery? No. No mas.
You should go to livejournal @johncmayer. Then you can read all the poorly written, inaccurate fanfiction about yourself. Write your own!
@aplusk futurama?
RT @maroon5: RT to win tickets to see Maroon 5 on 7/27 where they'll be performing + broadcasting live via FUSE @ the Beacon Theater in NYC.
Dammit I was too late
OMG you guise: GLORIA GAYNOR IS IN TOWN! Time to hook up with my favorite old chocolate lady
Maybe I'll make some new strips tonight...
@anidee I'M ON IT!
Let's see what annoying shit you've written for me today!

Even when they ask for details? (@JohncMayer live at http://ustre.am/g2KH )
@johncmayer RT @caitinlv: @tonyheld See, y'all should've just come to my Zorap tonight, it was way more fun.
I love that these are not advice questions. (@JohncMayer live at http://ustre.am/g2KH )
YAY THE HORNS ARE COMING BACK! @JOHNCMAYER
@bearheadedgirl ditto...
@johncmayer oh pbr
Here's a question @johncmayer. Have you ever read fanfiction about yourself? If so, isn't it creepy sometimes? They never get Carl right...
Bout what? RT @solarpowerspork: @alexsward I think @JohnMayerAsASim is proud ;)
@solarpowerspork Yeah but I didn't take my clothes off or anything so it's not like it's terribly exciting...

Goodnight everybody. I'm already in your bed!
People need to get better at writing bullshit stories about me. A "Night Rainbow?" No thanks. And menstrual insults? I'd never do that.
@Heaven1175 too late...
Honestly. Who asks if you're on the rag? We're not 15 anymore. #fanficrants
@bunnyears I
@bunnyears I'm Jewish. I'm aware :)
@bunnyears I DON'T GET A PERIOD. I HAVE A PEEN. Though, I do get a manrag every few days.
@bunnyears It happens more often than I'd like. I am not an ass man.
@caitinlv SHARE SO I MAY INTERNET KILL THEM.
@caitinlv Like, speaking Jewish? That's unpossible.
@caitinlv Or did they say something like 'Jewish sounding.' That's also inaccurate.
@caitinlv I'm inspired by a bad fanfiction i just read to ask 'What, are you on your period or something?'
@caitinlv YAY then let's party before my manrag session begins...
How did I not know about this? http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
NO @KevinMarshall! TWO PEOPLE CANNOT JOKE ABOUT THE SAME THING IN THE EXACT SAME VERBIAGE AT THE SAME TIME!
@KevinMarshall feh
There's a rule about fanfiction and the internet, right? Like a rule 34 about it?
Oh dude. You do NOT pull a knife on Ice-T #lessonsfromLaw&Order
@kisstheground It's been that kind of day
It's like America, but SOUTH! #upquotes yeah, I'm watching 'Up.' Why? So I can annoy Maddy when she returns by being super childish.
If you want to know what I'm like in the morning, watch the first 13 minutes of 'Up' when Carl is trying to get out of bed.
Saw someone in line today at the supermarket who had a tattoo of a pot leaf with the word 'Blaze' written below. Have fun being jobless.
Hey hey, the HOLY FUCKING bible, son! #clerks2
Yeah, that's why I called him 'Crippie Boy.' #clerks2
I LOVE the AP's pronunciation guide: Penelope Cruz (krooz) and Javier Bardem (HAH'-vee-ayr bar-DEHM')
wow, you can't say 'clit' on MTV?
MINIONS! Why do I have 'When I Move You Move' by Luda in my head? Best answer gets to move when I move...and oral.

@caitinlv That book taught me everything i need to know about life...
@caitinlv A section of it was included in one of my best friend's wedding ceremony yesterday.
I'VE NEVER MADE ANYONE'S LIFE EASIER AND YOU KNOW IT - Bender...
Trying to help @sallyblock make ringtones. Not helping. Apparently, me singing 'WAKE THE FUCK UP, YOUR PHONE IS RINGING' is not her style.
@CraigyFerg I thought it was Austrian comic @mshowalter as a veterinarian on 'Days of Our Lives.'
@ShenaniganJenn let me get to work on that...
@SugarPlumKelly 4.9 million simoleons
@SugarPlumKelly hehehe you're fabulous
@solarpowerspork - GOOD CHOICE.
kindergarten behavior of drug dealing
And thanks for being out there!RT @adamlevine: Just taking another moment to thank our fans yet again for giving us this life. :)
Body work by Dennis - No Rules. #itsalwayssunny
GUESS WHAT?! I'm going to star in the remake of 'Oh God!'
Kids, kids. You're both just awful...
Back in my day, I would've punched Betty Draper in the face. I think I did.
I'm sorry you caught me in my private time RT @alabamaradio: Was just riding behind a car playing porn on the tv... Cute.

KISS ME, I'M REAL!
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MY BALLS @Vanny_Del
@Vanny_Del I'M THE KING OF ALL THE BALLS
@bearheadedgirl @vanny_del I know what you're trying to say. You're trying to say it's time for business, it's business time. OOOOH.
goodnight everybody! everything hurts!
@solarpowerspork whassup girlfriend?

Hey @unmaskd! I'm down for the challenge of waiting. Do you know what a zorap is?
@_drina oh hay girl

Downe's Syndrome Girl was nominated for an Emmy!
How was LOST not nominated for casting?!
YAY BETTY WHITE FOR OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS!
And, on a geeky note, 'America: the Story of Us' was nominated for best non-fiction writing!

I'm topless in chat tonight. Enjoy.
Suffering from batwings. Please fax me a solution.
@uknowimadreamer unless they're alcoholics
Go to youtube, type in connected through kisses and see what happens.
Tonight I came home to wonderful news from my wife @catdsilver - Maddy is off to summer camp for the next month and a half! YAY. *cries*
@cheekieisshy i heart you, you sassy bitchc :)
What wouldn't you do for a klondike? RT @johncmayer: whatsimada asked: What would you do for a klondike bar? http://tumblr.com/xlrcyepq1

Ladies and gentlemen: ever had a prostate exam? My first one is this week!
@notcatsilver THANK YOU! LET'S GET ICE CREAM AFTER!
I want an ice cream cake from carve! @notcatsilver
@notcatsilver That meant Carvel.
@notcatsilver A drunk, sometimes. Drunk? Not tonight. Go back in time to two days ago and ask again :)
Drunkeness: bringing us together since 49BC. RT @notcatsilver: @johnmayerasasim Yay, me too! This is why we are married. Or why we bang.
Son, you got a panty on your head...
Good - http://is.gd/dgydk
This is why kick people out. RT @kweenie: I am so glad I'm leaving tomorrow. Everything is turning into arguments and grumbles.
I want to lie down on Christina Hendricks and not make a move.
@caitinlv You and I can each take one side
@katerspie I hear that @sallyblock is about a halfcup smaller than Ms. Hendricks. it's who she wants to be for halloween

I want to see Jorge Garcia play John Belushi in a biopic.
I've got you lovestoned? RT @caitinlv: She's freaky and she knows it. She's freaky... but I like it.

@Jim_Wolf yeah, it was for a different city. I made a mistake :P

Watching the old episode of Whose Line where Robin Williams guests. Look at how annoyed Wayne Brady and everyone else are...

HAPPY THURSDAY EVRYBUDDY!
SCOTTY FUCKING CROWE is on this shitty 100 Questions sitcom.
Dear @johncmayer - On 8/4 you'll be playing at the original Woodstock site. Up the road is a shitty casino. That's all we have to offer.
@WilliamsClydevR I'M NOT CLICKING ON THISS. IT'S SPAM.
@MCSafetyScissor No, Bethel NY.
@MCSafetyScissor It's more like Jewville USA.
"And that whole situation right there"
I'd better be that 2% RT @conormichael: @johncmayer is killin it harder than 98% of the rappers out there right now. STEP YO GAME UP, KIDS!
SOME DUMB BASTARD HAS NEARLY A MILLION DUMB BASTARDS FOLLOWING HIM! #FUTURAMA
@lovehasnologic And this tweet is a BS copout for a person who doesn't have the balls to say it to the face of the woman who turned him down
I am an ornery old fuck tonight...
@lovehasnologic 1) didn't have the balls to say it to my face either and 2) LOOK AT YOU BEING SILLY. ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?
@jim_wolf just read on a message board this girl was still clamoring for votes. Is it really over?
I don't know what we're afraid of. Nothing would change if we made love...
GUBMENT CAME AND TOOK MY BAAAAAAYYYYBY.

Holy fuck, Helen Mirren is still fuckable.
@sarakamin I'm in NY. Too bad!
Dear @alloveralbany, I bring you another great hit from Craigslist :) http://is.gd/davJS
I'm pissing off everyone in my house by yelling out the obviously wrong answers to the puzzle on 'Wheel of Fortune.' 'PAINTING THE BABY'
"What is 'Rule 34?!" @yearinla. The key is to be so over the top wrong and yell it out with as much confidence as human possible.
"What is 'Rule 34?!" @yearinla. The key is to be so over the top wrong and yell it out with as much confidence as humanly possible.
time to do the same with Jeopardy!
OMFG - One of the categories is 'Also a girl's name'
Who is Ghandi's girlfriend...?
what is a color swatch?
What are face penises?
Wow, I love you Encyclopedia Dramatica!
Just realized that 'I didn't know I was pregnant' is a modern day retelling of childbirth before medical advancements.
Hurr durr, doctor. A prolapsed uterus isn't normal? Ahyuck...
I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN *sobs* RT @uknowimadreamer: And uh, you're not fooling anyone with that half pound of make-up you cake on.