JM, As a Sim

@tonyheld http://twitpic.com/2jkjxt - I dunno, man. That Kingdom of Magic sounds pretty enticing.
PSA I have the balls of a 30 year old man. No joke. They're not in a jar or anything. Steve Martin's Penis Cream helps.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET CHOCO LOVER @PIXOLITA!

RT @Vanny_Del: We're all Jewish when the lights go out.
@pixolita DICKIE ROBERTS IS ON TV DOWN HERE. It reminds me of our passionate night of love making
@caitinlv because it's been a really emotionally focockted day and it's really hard to explain. for once it's not a daughters issue
@caitinlv Please do. I don't need it in my genecticazoink
@Vanny_Del All the bitches love it
I'd be in Zorak but I really need this chat I'm having with my old girlfriend Kate at the moment.
And bruce lee's cousin...
Saw some mall walkers this morning, one of whom resembled my father. We spoke. It was him. He's now going to live with us. I love my life.
HURLEY! #EMMYS
This is the only time I've ever liked Glee. Mark it, children #emmys
OH SNAP #conan #emmys
John Hamm and Betty White: Dream OTP #emmys
CAMERON!!!!!!!!!
@Pixolita http://twitpic.com/2jij0o - Girl, I miss you.
Good. May you never win, Kristin Wiig #emmy
RT @solarpowerspork: my heart will always go to steve carrell, though. michael scott is my hero.
@AfterElton Boyz II Men.
Them makes me two looks good spoken #emmys #favequotes
STFU newbie #madmen
John Aniston is on tonight's Mad Men. Love it.
How about 'I'm Don Draper and I'm fucking drunk'? #madmen
"You smell good." - Don Draper. how caveman basic is that?
I can work like this, let's get liberated. I love you, Peggy. #mad Men.
He's thinking about how much he loves her boobs #madmen
YOU HAVE NO IDEAS #madmen
ewww Cosgrove #madmen
You'd better fuck him up #madmen
O ok #madmen
Six followers away from a 400th follower. Epic secrets about my past will be revealed. And photos of my underwear. #promises
It'll be lovely RT @Papa_C_Los: @JohnMayerAsASim .*crosses fingers*
SHE IS NOT THE BOSS OF YOU, *I* AM THE BOSS OF YOU! #FuturamaQuotesPertainingToMyDick.

@johncmayer I wish you'd written a song about letting someone back into your life after they've hurt you and not knowing where to go with it
@johncmayer you probably have already written that song but I can't find it and I need to. HELP ME, MINIONS
@yearinla that's more from Offender's POV, isn't it? ;)

Eight more followers until 400. That's when I reveal huge secrets from my past!
@Chanosky you're awesome and I wish I were there.
Hey @anon_honesty, funny that people can't just ask @vanny_del/@mcsafetyscissor/@nick_sydney if they're you, they have to ask you. WTF.
@Vanny_Del This mercury in retrograde shit isn't over yet, is it?
@Vanny_Del well fuck mine and @sallyblock's lives. We're feeling it.
Maddy just came back from Staples with @notcatdsilver saying that we should all go to @johncmayer's show in the Philippines, front row.
@Nick_Sydney I know it's not you. I hate anonypants bullshit like that and I appreciate @anon_honesty for not playing the game.

@johncmayer - "You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses." I love it.

Jesus I want you.
love it RT @MCSafetyScissor: @JohnMayerAsASim If you were female, and not old. I would want you too.

My balls hurt.
THAT 11 MINUTE EPILOGUE DIDN'T ANSWER SHIT.
'Chances Are' is on. Remember that movie? A young Cybill Shepard? I hit it, back in the day. We were both grateful.

And you never once paid for drugs. NOT ONCE.
@MCSafetyScissor AWESOME!

If Fake Locke wanted to get off the island so bad, why didn't he find the donkey wheel and gtfo?
@caitinlv I want steamed prunes. Thank you.
IS THIS A SALLY DRAPER EPISODE?!?!?!?!?! #MADMEN
Thanks Joan, how incredibly relevant
I hate the term 'broken homes.'
dude, like your bitch daughter never fiddles. Real Sallys never apologize for that shit. #madmen
Way to set your daughter up for a teenage life as a sex crazed hippie #madmen.

Invite good people into your life who accept you when you fuck up and you'll be golden.
Spending the day killing/threatening small children at the mall. Please know you were warned.
@Pixolita I miss you, Canadian Chocolate Bear.
Pets, like that baby you left in the dumpster at the prom, should be seen and not heard.
Today, I learned that squirrels hop, they do not run.
Then I ate it and shot fire from my palms at my enemies. Much carnage was had and I enjoyed it all. http://twitpic.com/2gxr3a
The Give and Get is Here! http://t.co/vWjkWBo Print and save 30% off your entire purchase next weekend at Gap/Banana Republic/Old Navy!
@caitinlv there were one or two episodes of Roseanne but that's it.

Room is open - use your nuts to get in - zorap.com/sallyb
There's a new zorap update, brb
@johncmayer you should visit our zorap. we're reading stories inspired by you zorap.com/sallyb the password is nuts
Actually now @johncmayer and @tonyheld now we're in zorap, watching stupid videos and making fun of fanfic. zorap.com/sallyb pw: nuts
Nevermind we're all bouncing from teh room
As you is checking your seat today...
If you that ign'ant you need to get off the plane.
Saw a girl at the mall today with a bump that was bigger than hers RT @Pixolita: @tonyheld @sonnydisco #havegreatmoments Snooki is rad!
Okay, I lied. We haven't left my zorap yet. zorap.com/sallyb pw is nuts.

I didn't know I was 16 and Pregnant: http://is.gd/eoaUZ Dammit Redondo!
@johncmayer oh. Good, it's not a Real Doll.
Good morning from my cranky, gassy ass. I'm going to shut down the nearest GAP so Maddy can do some school shopping. What new with you all?
RT @FakeAPStylebook: It is perfectly acceptable to split an infinitive, especially if you haven't brought enough for everybody.
Give and Get is here! http://t.co/vWjkWBo
@SLSCJR14 Absolutely serious about it and a portion of every purchase goes towards a good charity.
I always liked Ted from Scrubs. The littlest things made him happy.
The next few tweets are about my midlife crises and issues that I had when I was in my mid-50s. It started when I made bad investments.
When I was 55, I lost a lot of money in the stockmarket and sold the rights to 'Your Body is a Wonderland' to several small radio chains.
This is why if you drive through certain states you can still hear 'If you want grub, we'll bake it' playing on top 40 stations.
Right @sarahpalinusa because this is the first time Dr. Laura has ever offended someone on her radio show.
Jesus Christ I'm a horny old man tonight. "An?" Whatever.
Watching Project Runway with Maddy and the wife. WTF why aren't they giving the contestants iPads for the show? They're better for you.
Wow, so apparently in fanfiction, you can write questions in dialog without inserting a question mark. #thingsivelearnedtoday #@johncmayer
There needs to be another reading room zorap for this chapter of fanfic. @caitinlv where are you?
@bearheadedgirl i know, i wasn't sure if she was on her way back yet :(
@caitinlv i'll start it up
zorap.com/sallyb the pw is still nuts, i believe

@johncmayer psst it's ok. I still love ya. Ok, younger version of me? No, this isn't fucking creepy.

Oh good, Dr. Laura is ending her radio show. @kingsthings Tell her good riddance.
@kingsthings It sounds like Dr. Laura is running away from the one form of media in which she can be immediately told she's wrong. Good.
@kingsthings Nobody needs to say the N-word on the radio.
@kingsthings Black people are not a special interest group.
Dr. Laura would be respectable if she stayed on the radio despite the hatred towards her. Running away shows she's weak
@ILikeRicksList Jade?
@ILikeRicksList Oh, nevermind. i'm a dumbass :)
TRUFAX RT @yearinla: that's enough, @justinbieber.

@Triceratops88 I apologize and yet don't apologize :)
Oh...oh my. New fanfic at an hour ago o'clock
Triple Intervention
@johncmayer dump the whole thing in there and keep drinking
Anyone want an invite to save 30% during the GAP Give and Get weekend Aug. 26-29? Let me know. DM me your email. Proceeds go to charity.

BTW I'm not @RJfMW_AsASim but I appreciate what they do. AWESOME NINJAS!
Letters to penthouse - I miss weed.
Come back to me Ron_Majors! I love you...
My most recent, smelly effort: http://twitpic.com/2epaxh
Did Peggy just get checked out by a lesbeeeen?
@katerspie hahaha, Pete's a dumbass. He knows he's already a dad and gets to fake being all new to it, just like Peggy.
@katerspie I feel like she's gonna lose it...
@katerspie his only REAL child is with Peggy anyway...
Joan Holloway in a room of brunettes. Yessir...
I dunno, Faye, that chick at the end doesn't fit the bill as much...
@katerspie Screw her. Let her adopt.
Ahem...GOT? No. Always was. RT @anidee: Lisa Lampinelli got realllllllly dumpy :/
That lady in red is this close to punching her in the face for stealing her thunder #madmen
Faye's a bitch #madmen
If that girl's pregnant...#madmen
How very Kelly Kapoor of you, Peggy #madmen
@katerspie Yeah and fuck Ponds, too. In my younger and more drag years, it clogged my pores.
Has a woman ever actually told Don Draper off and lived to tell about it?
THIS RT @katerspie: LOL PEGGY.
Nope, not pretentious, just a lezbeen. #madmen
Trufax: Whenever anything happens on Mad Men I assume that it's because someone is pregnant.
HAHA, dumbass. You went to a salon and spent $15 on a wash you could have gotten at a store for $2.99 or less.
Is that Clarissa Explains It All's dad?????? #madmen
BEATNIKS AND LEZBEENS! #MADMEN
PEGGY'S DOING THE POT!
HE DOESN'T OWN YOUR VAGINA! #MADMEN
WTF at this video? Is it a Dharma Initiative training video? #lost #madmen
HAVE FUN GETTING A BONER AT WORK NOW #madmen
Peggy is so gifable this season #madmen

Listening to the Saratoga @johncmayer @train show, once again...
@johncmayer Upon listening to the Saratoga show, I see what you did there by playing a Jay-Z "bass line" before "Heartbreak Warfare"
Now playing: D.O.A. by Jay-Z.
A note from the future: Jay and Beyonce have beautiful children and Maddy marries one of their sons. Never been more proud.
New strip loading in 4, 3, 2, 1...
Faaaaart. Suckers: I totally knew it was happening. Original @johncmayer tweet http://is.gd/ehBk3 http://twitpic.com/2epaxh
http://twitpic.com/2eqfwo
@bob_reynolds I miss playing my tenor sax. Your Selmer is amazing. What year/mark is it?
@caitinlv again? Fucking wonderful.
zorap.com/sallyb you need these nuts to get in.
@Vanny_Del done
@Vanny_Del @caitinlv i'll be waiting
Maddy's giving me a manicure. The. Fuck.
The secret word is...nuts

@johncmayer Have fun playing in Cvntahoga Falls. Use protection.
What am I going to do this weekend?
WHO am I going to be doing this weekend? RT @kisstheground: @JohnMayerAsASim isn't the question WHO?
Yay, @notcatsilver you have returned to me
The wife is home. Time for a threeway.
Thank you, Jeopardy, for reminding me how good I was at algebra.
@kisstheground Because you assume that by the time I've reached this old age, I've learned every lesson I could. Possibly not happening.
SEE EVERYBODY, I'M SEXY! RT @kisstheground: @JohnMayerAsASim hmmm... naw, i think i like the MEMEME aspect of it. also, you have nice hips.
@kisstheground I'LL TAKE IT.
Nope @kisstheground. Ask @caitinlv and @vanny_del. I always make the house visits and promise to be there in three days.

In the word of Borat: I have not come to Hollywood to fight a man dressed as Hitler
http://tweetphoto.com/38407318 @adamlevine You know you can't just find winning score boards with your name on it.
Happiness. Enjoy it or die. http://i45.tinypic.com/2jfhclg.gif
How will Jose get any pussy if he doesn't graduate on time? Shit, man...
What if, Utahraptor, what if? @titovsmothra?
Making it rain pennies at the strip club with my whiteboy protege, @titovsmothra

The John Mayer as a Sim sex tape will be available in May 2011: it's retrospective and includes my best hits from my 30s onward.
I enjoy late night booty calls while the wife is away.
TIME TO SHOUT OUT ALL THE WRONG ANSWERS TO JEOPARDY!
Anyone have a recording of the Mansfield show yet? I want to download 'Boys of Summer.'
That's it: I want a fucking turtle.
The Family Guy Abortion episode... http://is.gd/edHpC
Watching Monster with the wife.
@caitinlv HA
@Pixolita Also don't forget the pregnancy tests

@Elizabethbanks it's okay, you don't have to. MadTv did a sketch to help with that: http://is.gd/eaUPg
@vanny_del who is this @moegreeb fellow you re-tumblr-ed earlier? He's hot and needs to move to Albany so I can adore from up close?
@Vanny_Del I would have sent that from my @sallyblock account but then he wouldn't have seen me hitting on him. Important details.
@Vanny_Del OF COURSE HE IS. THEY ALL ARE.
@Vanny_Del For some reason, i'm thinking of that song 'tag team'
Terrible terrible bat wings today. Tried pouring some powder down my boxers and it didn't help. Now you know what I wear on my balls.
RT @Jim_Wolf: Album Release Tonight at Bowery Electric - 327 Bowery St.... corner of 2nd - NYC of course. Doors at 7pm.
My other Dominic needs to learn how to drive. He can't use my celebrity status to get him out of trouble fore http://twitpic.com/2dj8rq

Thanks @johncmayer and @train. That was a great concert. And thanks to Pat Monahan for holding my hand for half a second.
http://www.Zorap.com/sallyb - Go to spac to get in. Wonderful post @johncmayer @train show.
@mertmij You should have gone to the Bethel Woods show a few nights ago. We rocked that party too.
I'm done. Get out.
@johncmayer glad we could provide but what about Bethel?
GOodnight children! it's been real!
@johncmayer Kill Bill was on TBS last night.
I love it when bitches on MSM say that a fanclub should exist for tickets so it'd reduce complaints about @johncmayer not playing hits...
cont - I hate that because it's exclusionary and it would mean that only the elite asshole fanclub members would get to sit close. (con't)..
(con't) while the "newbs" who get attacked on MSM all the time get stuck on the lawn/nosebleed section all the time. Suck a dick.
From what I can tell @kisstheground, I beat out many of my twitter followers because I've been following @johncmayer for nearly 10 yrs.
But @kisstheground, I'm not going to stop talking to you because you've got the wrong comment/concert count. I'm a bitch but come on...
In which I tell it like it is, motha'uckas. http://is.gd/eaJ4h
@kisstheground hahaha
@bob_reynolds You aren't still in the capital area are you? I can think of a few good movie theatres in which you can pull this off.
WHO SHOULD BE MY 300TH FOLLOWEE?
Maddy and I are going to the park to rob some people...of their boredom. Going to play music for them and shit.

@johncmayer Nope just never make a pretty women your wife
@mertmij come on up to the show. I'll be at the beer tent eating free snax like the elderly playa I am.
Let the farting re-commence!
@johncmayer are you putting the donuts in a blender with coffee this year like you did in 2008? It's not jazz, it's gas.
STFU AND GO TO SARATOGA! Tweet me if you're going.
Was at the beer tent in all its glory.
Chilling in box 702. Come visit and bring beer!
Holy fuck, are those jeans @johncmayer?
@mertmij come to box 702 for a dance party!
FINE. DON'T VISIT MY DANCING ASS IN BOX 702. It's awesome here.
If you're at SPAC, I'm the brunette leaning back in box 702

@steinein Chad wasn't at his post until just before John was about to go out on stage. I snagged a setlist. He's a sweeetheart
@anidee thank you, i don't know either.
Yeah, this isn't gonna fly: http://community.livejournal.com/homesweetalbany/219051.html?mode=reply&style=mine
Goodnight kiddoes!
@Uilos You don't like whores.
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
@steinein are you adding the train show to archive.org? there's a problem when I download and try to open up the rapidshare...:(
@steinein I figured it out. But it has two copies of Umbrella in it where Meet Virginia should be
@steinein It sounds amazing though :)
@steinein heh, just giving a head's up. It sounds amazing though :)

RT @NZAfro: Retweet this if you hate Twitter telling you who to follow.
Outerspace potato man...

So...@johncmayer I stayed for the encore. What about that parking lot party
uploading photos then zorap, hopefully
@johncmayer I'm the girl in the red and white dress next to the heart of life poster holder. Good job!.
Oh and @johncmayer, I saw that Hendrix photo. Nice wedgie.
@bearheadedgirl - i also look familiar because i'm wearing the same damn dress as I did at the beacon :)
Oh and there's a video of @train singing 'Umbrella' by Rihanna
SO many photos.
Uploading to facebook first and then photobucket when I get to it...
@Vanessa_Rose I've nearly photobombed it.
@Vanny_Del WORKING ON IT!
@caitinlv i love your comment on his blog )
I’m in the pink and white dress, pointing at the Heart of Life poster you like so much. I have... http://tumblr.com/xejeznnf9
Let's keep the mentioning of my name going, cause i'm vain as fuuuuuuck tonight.
@CogitatedMind k, but watch the sabbath
@johncmayer hope you're enjoying this late night thunderstorm.
Not many men can perform in jean leggings. For that, I salute you Pat Monahan of @train. Plus ya looked hot. Thank you :)
It's thundering like crap outside. The skies are angry that @johncmayer and @train didn't duet this evening & that John didn't play Journey
Goodnight everybody. Back to Albany tomorrow. Everybody drive safe!
WTF, I had tits for the last 24 hours and they were divine
I don't know who this steinein person is on MSM but I love them for sticking it to a certain bad fanfic writer. If you're steinein speak up
Oh look, I found her @steinein. THANKS GOOGLE. And @steinein, I'm the one who requested the Train recording from last night.
@bearheadedgirl You and I both know that the famous part isn't always necessary
Thank you so much for that! RT @train: A blurry pic of an awesome night in Bethel, NY during IF IT'S LOVE! http://tweetphoto.com/37062502
Well, @johncmayer, the review of last night is in: http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100805/ENTERTAIN/100809855
Time to take Maddy shopping at the GAP, who have opened their doors for us after hours to do back to school shopping.
@steinein That's awesome and I adore you for it. Thank you so much!
@steinein And this was your first show? that's even better
@steinein This was my first concert at the Bethel venue but my 6th overall. Great sounds overall. Are you going to the Saratoga show?
@steinein welp, hopefully it's being taped. I'll be there.
@k8thompson I'd love to but I have to be awake in 7hrs
All my pics from the Bethel Woods @train @johncmayer concert are here:http://is.gd/e5eXI

@vanny_del tampons, pregnancy test and a home perming kit
OH @bunnyears YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF MY PUBES!
For those attending the Bethel Woods show...- http://is.gd/e1ABa
I have my hair all set for the show tomorrow night
That's incredibly true...and worth it RT @ireneleite: @JohnMayerAsASim but you'll gain like 31 or something!
On my way to sullivan county...
Barely outside Albany and I just saw my first yarmulke. L'chaim!
Just off the highway - corn, fellow Jews and long roads. Welcome back, @sallyblock.
Emmanuel's marketplace on 209 has all the noms...
BEHOLD! http://twitpic.com/2bl21y
At my mom's. Concert in 4.5 hours. Leaving for it in 2 or so. #JM597
http://twitpic.com/2bl21y - On my way home, I thought I would warn you all. #JM597
Thank you @sugarplumkelly!
Told ya - the only Starbucks available in Sullivan County. Who wants some? http://twitpic.com/2blnia
@mickmgmt see anything cool in Sullivan County yet? Prob not. Sorry :(
@nattamac will do! but @sugarplumkelly's not going to this one tonight.
Successfully annoyed everryone at the n,
Mcdonalds by singing Waiting like Bobcat Goldthwait.
At bethel woods...it smells like cows!
On the line at Bethel Woods to get in...sweaty balls all over...
Oh dear, the chub rub we have going on...
Donde esta Chad?
Oh yea, no sight of the boys...
Well...I'M HERE, BETHEL WOODS. I'm GOING TO OPEN UP THE SHOW!
I'll be in the 7th row to your right @johncmayer. Play something
@johncmayer play something jewish tonight, I mean...
Oh Pat Monahan and your skin tight, tell your religion pants
@johncmayer you haven't gotten on stage yet but I already wanna thank you for coming to my home.
And now to find chad
Tooooooo many bitches stepping on my toes
Stealth fuckery at the bethel woods show...not joking...
Chad looks like Jacob from Lost
Chad is fucking awsome. Says hi to all and that I look familiar.
Saving me a setlist too
Attack of the fangirls!
I have video of @train covering 'umbrella'
Totally copped a feel on the Chad. Pics later.
@johncmayer you made my evening tonight. Thank you.
Stuck in the parking lot. Not attempting to leave...

@lisalocicerogh So many fandoms colliding in that picture. I love it. #thestate #gh
How many laptops smell like farts...
Until Thursday, I'll be tweeting as @sallyblock. Any DMs meant for her should be directed here Because I'm going home for Bethel Woods show.
Just wanted y'all not to be shocked when tweets no longer sound like I'm an elderly cranky halfbreed musician but like a cranky 27y/o bitch.
@EmpressGina1 you can't tweet from two accounts at the same time from one phone
@EmpressGina1 and i want to mobile tweet from this account with the phone number associated from @sallyblock's account.
@EmpressGina1 heh, s'ok
Who's going to the Bethel Woods show tomorrow? I'm going. Taking my mom cause she has a girl crush on Pat Monahan.
Oh and it's her birthday too.
For all the shit I talk about Sullivan County, be careful driving and try to be more aware than the other person. Summer can be dangerous.
Btw @bobmaron @tonyheld The closest thing you'll find to a Starbucks near Bethel Woods is my tired ass brewing it at my mom's condo on Thurs
@Vanny_Del yes I do.
Two photos of where tomorrow's show is http://is.gd/e1gjQ http://is.gd/e1gl9
@Vanny_Del oooh whee girl, something to think about tomorrow night when i'm all alone in my home town
Fixing my nails for the billionth time.
Hey, who's dropping bombs in there? How's about a courtesy flush? Fuck you, Butters!
Unless you think we SHOULD take off our shirts and kiss? #southpark
next month, @johnmayerasasim will be a year old. Yep, September marks ONE year of retardation on an elderly level
Dear @johncmayer - In honor of playing the borscht belt, tomorrow night please play something Jewish. LOVE YA - Sally.
Tomorrow night we'll be sitting 7th row stage right
I fucking hate the night before a @johncmayer concert because of how much of a fangirl I become. Not as bad as the ones I make fun of...
@caitinlv I would pay $5....
Dear 5hr Energy - HOW DARE YOU TRASH TALK MY COFFEE! Love, Sally
@eliroth Why aren't you there infecting everybody? How badass would that be?
The concert hasn't even happened yet and I'm already planning after show shenanigans
@How2InsultALady What about the mouth?
Basically for the next 24 hours, all my tweets will read like this '@johncmayer @bobmaron @tonyheld BETHELWOODS SULLIVAN COUNTY OMFGWTF LOL*
I estimate I will lose 12 readers because of it...
@katerspie Go to the GAP this week because they're handing out coupon books for 40% off 1 regular priced item on Wednesdays in August
@NYHarvickFan are you hitting up any of the upstate NY shows?
Why and HOW do I keep losing the nail tips I need to do my nails? I had them yesterday?
@SugarPlumKelly just did, found nothing...
zorap/sallyb woodstock is your friend
@caitinlv @Vanny_Del come on into zorap
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim I've got some old man brand cock rings for you.
shhhhhh...did you hear that? fart.....
@K8THOMPSON @Vanny_Del DAMMIT BUBBIE! It's been 2 years and a different car since you've done this and it's still wrong
In Sullivan County, you can purchase a year's worth of Kosher foods at the ShopRite and Walmark in Monticello. Just sayin', @bobmaron.

@Tonyheld @bobmaron Same holds for Bethel Woods RT @MeganRabren: Dear Mr. Hold, if you are going to be at Mansfield, Prepare Your Anus.
We're all in this together @johncmayer @bobmaron @tonyheld - zorap.com/meganrabren pw=junkinthetrunk
@johncmayer Did you wish him happy birthday by whacking him in the nuts as many years as he is old? HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHAD!
Hey @johncmayer have you ever invaded someone with your mouth? Curious artists want to know. Signed - MGMT
Clearly written by a virgin...
He snapped off his osh kosh bgosh jeans
Where the fuck are the condoms, is what I want to know?
Your body is a GPS
Come on into chat for some fanfiction lessons - zorap/meganrabren pw: junkinthetrunk Remember, sometimes an erection is better than a dick.
Illegal use of the ellipses
She is a vortex, he found her opening like a cave.
If I ever walk around singing a song called 'Lydia,' this skit is why: http://is.gd/dYwnw
I was wrong; SOME cool things happen in Sullivan County NY, home of Wednesday's @johncmayer show. They had lake lightning recently.
Everyone wish a happy birthday to my wife, @notcatdsilver. She is forever young.
Hitting the Bethel Woods concert on Weds and have sports cars? Check into the Monticello Motor Club and go vroom vroom - http://is.gd/dYxWe
@notcatsilver WHY NOT?
The new Activia commercial is Hell defined: selling yogurt to people on a hot day in the park. Congratulations on yourr Coagulation!
And if you cant cause you have to go back on antidepressants? RT @HuffingtonPost Gisele: Breastfeeding Should Be 'Law' http://huff.to/bqR5Qq
Ok @mertmij but before this happened was he at least helpful in fording the river? If not, then he fucking deserved it.
@conormichael I will have you know I ain't paying for shit.
I never got Maddy inoculated in time. Maybe you can protect your loved ones before it's too late - http://is.gd/dZaJh
No late night porn chats for me. i have to work tommorrow.
@train I can't go for that or Man Eater

@_drina They are the greatest things ever invented. Let me show you.
@_drina http://www.amazon.com/Trojan-Vibrating-Ring-W-condom/dp/B000AS7EW4
I need some downtime for my hips And also for my pension check to come in so i can afford these things for mah ladeez @_drina
HOW HARD IS IT TO EXPLAIN YOU'RE TWEETING TO A FAKE INDIVIDUAL? :) @_drina
@pixolita, maddy sends you her love and so do i :)
I APPROVE OF THIS POST RT @_drina: @JohnMayerAsASim #WhoSaidJohnMayerAsASimWasAFake? I'll cut 'em!
And it is awesome. @Vanny_Del @_drina
@Vanny_Del chrloritutop
Yes I did RT @Vanny_Del: @_drina @SugarPlumKelly Did he show you the cock????
10 banana creme pies are better
@TahitianFantasy Thank you!
WORKING ON A PHOTO COLLAGE OF MY SUMMER ADVENTURES. WAIT FOR IT. IT'LL BE POSTED SOMETIME AFTER I TAKE OFF THESE 12 COCK RINGS.
I knew someone would take it there. RT @Papa_C_Los: @JohnMayerAsASim creampie....
@Papa_C_Los I was just thinking of you, though. There's a repeat of 'Ab Aeterno' on my local CBS affiliate right now. I miss this already
@Papa_C_Los I'm down, lol
Ladies, Richard Alpert is on a horse...
For my fellow internet predators. http://is.gd/dW02q
All these Jewish ladies in Sullivan County will be on the rag because of this halfbreed @johncmayer coming to town on Wednesday
@Triceratops88 look up Chris Hansen/dateline msnbc.
How many of you are going to the Bethel Woods show this week? Try and find me there. I'll be dressed as a 27 year old knockout of a woman.
Don Draper is all 'Fuck you, I'm not talking about my dad.'
HAHAHA, YOU think Peggy's a virgin #madmen
Hey, is Joan's husband fighting in Vietnam yet?
By the time he died, whenever that is, how many women do you figure Don Draper gave the clap to? #madmen
You just made her a prostitute, Don Draper. #madmen
wtf at this episode of Mad Men. What a sleeper.