JM, As a Sim

MADDY! Sit the fuck down and stop flirting with guys on the train! You're 15!
My favorite strip club at the US/NIAGARA border is closed down now. I'm a sad, horny old man...
@Vanny_Del I will sexually harass you from this train.
Maddy was running around this train hopped up on Canadian candy bars. Slipped some baileys into her hot cocoa #GREATMOMENTINGRANDPARENTING
Whassup Toronto. My tired ass is inside you.
At @pixolita's...waiting to get our drink on.
Zorap.com/sallyb - bring some damn vino and drink with me.

What is this...I can't even. http://is.gd/ctWCq

@Papa_C_Los from frozen pizza? You're doing it wrong.
@Papa_C_Los holy crap those sound delicious
@Papa_C_Los it ain't shame, it's jealousy.
This idea of a @johncmayer appreciation day with video reminds me of these girls:http://is.gd/csAms Bad idea. Not getting involved.
@kisstheground Someone sent me that video last year, the girls actually, thinking I was him. When I said I wasn't, they asked to get it 2him
HA, yeah. It's time everyone knew :) RT @kisstheground: @JohnMayerAsASim wow. i... wow. since you and john are tight, right? jesus.
Followers: how are you celebrating Memorial Day? I'm being patriotic and LEAVING THE COUNTRY.
@Benjamin__Linus @numberonehurley better beer selection. Surely someone can afford a lifetime supply of Sam Adams...I'll pitch in.
I see what you did there. RT @eliroth: This might be in bad taste to ask, but is a brain hemorrhage the same thing as a stroke?
@mertmij those motha'uckas are still alive?n
GET PACKING, MADDY! WE LEAVE IN LESS THAN TWO DAYS. #ugh.
Watching Season 3 of Six Feet Under. Forgot @rainnwilson was in this. I loved you as Arthur
@_drina David will always be gay to me.

RT @huffingtonpost: 6 Degrees Of John Mayer's Manhood (PICTURE) http://huff.to/adg1Jy
@solarpowerspork I'll be right there to beat their fatfucking asses up.
NOBODY HAS EVER CALLED ME THAT. I LOVE YOU. RT @solarpowerspork: @JohnMayerAsASim thanks my favorite pseudo celeb friend
Maddy hasn't even started packing for Toronto. @catdsilver don't do it for her. Don't go to the Gap and purchase her clothes for it. DIVORCE
320 followers and I only ever hear from 10 of you. WHY DON'T YOU OTHERS EVER SAY HELLO? I'M A LONELY OLD FUCK.
It's time for my morning siesta. To be followed by my afternoon siesta. And then followed by my evening siesta. Sexy ladies, please join.
Hello Princess @meeshell78
@catdsilver No, I would divorce you if you took her to the GAP to pay for a wardrobe for Toronto. Little girl needs to learn responsibility.
Hey! Watch where you're posting @johncmayer
A squirrel with nuts in his mouth. Reminds me of college.
Dear fireball - please don't get too hot. This old mouth of mine can't take it.
@Vanny_Del I want to be there but my bandwidth would exceed itself and i would pay out the ass on my cellphone bill.
@Vanny_Del but all next week, i'm yours and @pixolita
This girl knows how to please meRT @Pixolita: @JohnMayerAsASim Yes my dear: and i have walls! lol

Time for my early afternoon John Mayer Old Man Brand Siesta.
Helen broke the rules by using an actual word. RT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim Haaaay. RT @Helen_Keller: Slorm. Oooooooh. Slorm.
Would you like to help John Mayer As a Sim in the purchase of new sets and such? Please visit http://is.gd/cqwth No obligation necessary.
Believe me honey, I felt every last part of it. RT @catdsilver: At one point I was going down on him and I was on the moon.
"It's just so good...I miss them so much...WHY AM I EATING THIS?!?!?!" @Papa_C_Los
I hate your interpretation and think you are wrong. Also, SPELLING - LEARN YOU SOME - http://is.gd/cqLjE

Maddy left for middle school today and insisted we all call her "Madeline" from now on. Um, no. Can you say "Legal injunction?"
The legal papers barring her name change will be sitting on her bed when she gets home. To buy back her love, I'll buy her a GAP.
@caitinlv I'll be there in 3 days sexy.
An old man hug to you, Madame @vanny_del. Starting now...
Wow, I had no idea there was so much Richard/Miles slash fanfic out there #Lost
Attention @alloveralbany! Here's a gentlemen caller who sounds like a wiiiinnnnerrr! Where are all the single ladies? http://is.gd/cp5yu
There's a girl behind me talking about the LOST finale and she is WRONG. So help me, I will hit her with my old man SIM hands.
@vzwsupport can you do something about making your website faster loading? Thank you.
@VZWSupport I've had this problem with various computers. Currently, on my home computer.
@VZWSupport tried it out on Firefox and then Safari
@VZWSupport i have a mac so no. i'm not downloading that :)
@VZWSupport k, will try. thanks.
Have an answer for you, @yearinla. Buy some black market chloroform and it'll be as if she never came home #badidea #youdidnthearitfromme
Oh look, more fanfiction about my younger days. How much will it annoy me...predict now and get a cookie
@Vanessa_Rose You get a cookie, sexy
@Vanessa_Rose I'll be there in 3 days. Hold my cane.
HEY @CAITINLV! HAY! HEY! LOOK! RT @Helen_Keller: Bloooooooorm caul. Champh. Loooooooooooorgh. (Staaarp.)
@alloveralbany I pity any girl who takes that job...but I'm also very intrigued.

@Vanny_Del get your sexy black ass over here and I will make you one
@otterbugg yep. It's something about the oxytocin/serotonin connection they release
"I'VE BEEN MISSING OUT ON SO MUCH INTERNET PORN." #lostspinoff #richardalpert @yearinla
The second spinoff will be Hurley and Ben on the island called '8 Simple Rules For Visiting My F*cked up Island.' #LOST @yearinla
The point of #LOST is that no man is an island. Except for Jack Shephard, who put a cork in said island. @LOST
And whose dead baby was it that moved on with Charlie and Claire? #LOST
Or was it Aaron going back in the afterlife to when he was a baby? Yeah, that's probably it.
And if Nadia was dead, why didn't Sayid go with her? #lostfail
@solarpowerspork Yeah, she was just the LOVE OF HIS LIFE.
@solarpowerspork but i agree.
PURCHASE THIS PHONE ALREADY. http://albany.craigslist.org/mob/1757757585.html
@yearinla i can smell your tears from here.
@BrandonBarash no difference between excedrin migraine and extra strength excedrine. Just a label. Lucky you it works! No longer does for me

@caitinlv I and @sallyblock care too. So does @catdsilver.
@caitinlv We miss you too. Once we get back from Toronto and visiting @pixolita, I should have steady internet.
Oh, @caitinlv. Don't turn me on when I'm so far away.
COULD NOT AGREE MORE. RT @kweenie: MacGruber: continuing the tradition of bad SNL movies. #kristenwiigruinseverything
i am a sad, old crying man #becauseoflost
@kweenie it does on an angry island bent on annihilating itself
It's sad that I see NYTimes Obituaries pop up on my feed and I think 'Those poor people, dying before finding out how #LOST ends..."
Concert's over, douchebag. Way to be a shitty father, Jack #LOST
IT'S A CULT #LOST
Don't make Hurley cry. Shit.
Oh claire, I'll help you with babby being formed.
Claire needs to be reintroduced to all this technology
This is like the Langoliers but better
And then they crashed into the mountain #LOST
But why would ben choose the island over a chance to kill Penny? I am confused. And how will desmond get back to her? Donkey wheel?
I'm kind of disappointed. I won't lie.

Nick Burns, your company's computer guy #theoffice
@BrandonBarash I'm a cell phone fanatic. What did you have?
I could watch this over and over and over... LOST re-enacted by Cats in 1 minute. http://youtu.be/G-DShnvNNv0?a
@joelmchale i could watch the last five minutes of last night's show over and over again and never get bored. great job

@TMGLost right. So do you think the show will jump ahead to 2010 in the final hours?
While at the park with Maddy today, a ladybug landed on me. I adoped it and placed it in my will. Fuck you, Walls.
And don't worry @catdsilver I'll take care of diaper duty.
Sitting across from Maddy at a cafe. Why can't every day be like this?
@bendjoolz cupcake wine gave me a headache. i'm sticking to malbec

I will report for duty in 5 days. http://is.gd/cfxUx
"Yeah, well I lived in these houses 30 years before you did, AKA last week" - Miles, LOST. I love and will miss this bullshittery.
Any other LOST fans realize that they only flashed back to 2007 not 2010? They still have to account for 3 years of history?
@TMGLost isn't what's happening on the island only happening on 2007? Don't they still have 3 years to account for?

@Chanosky http://twitpic.com/1os3kp - We'd gotten this done in the airport after he paged me, gotten drunk and d
Should I create a tumbler for @johnmayerasasim?
@MCSafetyScissor HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD MAN!
Oh LOST...I wish you would never end.

@Vanny_Del I can't speak for @chanosky but I made out with more than a few hundred dollars wrapped around my walker.
@vanny_del @chanosky gets you closer to the ground to help for dipping it low
Trufax: RT @Vanny_Del: @chanosky Just don't dip it too low or your hip will pop out of place and then your wife will be very upset with you.

@MCSafetyScissor Top that: Schwetty Balls and/or The 1993 Soap Opera Digest skit
@ecctv I want to set fire to her hair.
@ecctv sorry, wrong tweet response! :)
@MCSafetyScissor i want to set fire to her hair. she is a one trick pony
@MCSafetyScissor ONE TRICK PONYYYYYYYYYYY!
Stefon is actually my nephew #SNL
Drinking cupcake wine
Just when you think the party is over, it's BLACK GEORGE WASHINGTON! #snl
@solarpowerspork that motherfucker showed up on my doorstep a few years ago, high on a crystal meth bender. It's sad. He's 19 years old.
I really, really hate kristin wiig. I don't care if she works with someone else on tv. i'm hitting mute/changing the channel. diaf.
YOU CLOSED ON THAT? #SNL
can we go back in time NOT hire Kristen Wiig? #SNL
@solarpowerspork Of course I will!
@solarpowerspork I can go back and forth. maybe you can be mine.
@solarpowerspork I think my wife @catdsilver should be okay with it.
woops! i dropped my monster condom which i use on my magnum dong.
@bendjoolz it's a sweet reisling. doesn't taste like cupcakes at all.
"because at bible camp we made this flow charts..." - clerks II
Read it and be amazed, everybody!RT @catdsilver: @JohnMayerAsASim Is there a step up from 'magnum'? If so, you are totally that.
Once again...RT @catdsilver: @JohnMayerAsASim I am your ego stroker. Ba dum ching, bitches.

A new strip! It's hard out here for an old man like me! http://twitpic.com/1nvz1o
New strip featuring Maddy! http://twitpic.com/1nw3d6
everybody, it's @sallyblock's brother's 35th birthday. DRINK!
@caitinlv did i miss something?
Dear god can they fire you Kristin Wiig? PLEASE?!
Oh god, the Bedelia sketch...#snl they're basically picking all the lame ass sketches and putting them in this episode.
way to waste alec baldwin #snl

How bout you just pick me up @Chanosky. I'm hiding out somewhere in the airport. Have me paged. See if they'll page John Mayer as a Sim.
@Chanosky It's even easier if you go to one of those auto-kiosks where you type in the name. Then you can walk away.
Dear Twitter. Quit being a dick. I'm trying to do something.
All I want to do is update my profile pic to match how cranky I am. WTF is wrong with the server?
"Your settings have been changed"? YOU DIDN'T CHANGE SHIT! Thanks for lying to me.
@Chanosky ah so you're starting out nude from the beginning, I see .
@Chanosky ha!
"Would John Mayer as a Sim please come to Gate 31C? Your stripper party is waiting?" @chanosky
@Chanosky there is no graceful way to take off socks on stage. Leaves too much dangling around. This is why Flight of the Conchords called..
@Chanosky them Business Socks.
Happy belated birthday @k8thompson!
does everyone like my new picture?
@whycarolina YAY!

@Vanny_Del did you like my new hairstyle?
http://twitpic.com/1nab20 - WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE AGING IN MY FAMILY?
@Vanny_Del fixed, sweetheart. i'll follow you so hard you won't be able to walk straight.
@Vanny_Del and with that, my wife has stopped talking to me
@Vanny_Del she allows me one girlfriend of each ethnicity.
@_drina my pleasure :)
http://twitpic.com/g6go8 - @vanny_del Just like old times, right? I'm assuming you mean this?
@Vanny_Del http://twitpic.com/1nbv3f - how do you get a hookah? i want one for medicinal purposes. crush up som
@Vanny_Del i tell her everything. she is my soulmate. clearly she knows :)
@Jim_Wolf I'd tell you Lark Tavern but it just burned down :( Let me think...
@Jim_Wolf Justin's on Lark, Midtown Tap and Tea room http://midtowntapandtearoom.com/,
@Jim_Wolf there's the Linda - http://www.wamcarts.org/booking.html
@Jim_Wolf Valentine's is a good college crew but it's a dive and very, very rock. http://www.valentinesalbany.com/
@Jim_Wolf http://www.revolutionhall.com/ it's 10 minutes outside of Albany, still within the district
@Jim_Wolf That would be awesome
@Jim_Wolf i would ask @jaytaylive as he definitely is more familiar. I would suggest staying away from Pearl street as it's filled w/skanks
@bearheadedgirl so you're saying @jim_wolf's album is shit, eh? :)
@Jim_Wolf no, drugs are bad. skanks are stupid.
@Jim_Wolf http://www.mcgearyspub.com/ there's this place
@bearheadedgirl bitches gotta clarify!
@Jim_Wolf I kinda thought you were Jewish cause of your nose. But you're from CT. They have 3 and they're all in @johncmayer's family.
@Jim_Wolf quintessenceny.com, http://www.redsquarealbany.com/home.php (this is very punkish)
@bearheadedgirl You see, @sallyblock's last boyfriend was german. there's a reason she was confused
@Jim_Wolf there's http://www.jilliansofalbany.com/ but it's really a club. not a venue.
@Jim_Wolf your best bet would be to play on the first friday of the month. Most of the venues on Lark street don't usually feature music
@Jim_Wolf (con't) typically open their doors and book a band http://www.larkstreet.org/businesses-on-lark/arts-culture.cfm
@Jim_Wolf not a problem :) just remember, drugs good skanks bad :)
@Jim_Wolf just don't mix them :)
Going to bed now kids. Remember, I see you when you're sleeping.

I know i've been silent lately. I'm gearing up for my world adventure to Toronto in 2 weeks. Maddy is also using me to drive her to work
I thought she was too young to work at the GAP. But apparently, they'll hire a 15 year old.
Look at what happened to me today! @johncmayer does this ever work? http://twitpic.com/1n9uq3
http://twitpic.com/1n9uq3 - Not a new strip, but I'm working on one.
@sarakamin I will try my best to fit that in. but you don't have any shows from may 30th-june 2nd
@sarakamin and hold the fuck on, dave matheson of moxy fruvous?
An update about Walls Mayer http://twitpic.com/1n9xye
@sarakamin That man is effing awesome.
A new strip. Featuring an unlikely @bobmaron and Maddy without chola eyebrows. http://twitpic.com/1nab20
@SugarPlumKelly of course you do. You are an elite fan ;-)
@Vanny_Del plinkity schurby
@Vanny_Del do you have any idea how many times i've gotten those replaced because of you?

really, tryjm? you can't just let a different person mod the site while you're on vacay? i'd do it for you and there would be no tabloids
@yearinla i had to unfollow them because they label people as 'elite' when they're just normal folks
@yearinla not now, but remember back last summer or something there was that 'elite' fan chat?
@yearinla Wanna hear something fucked up? Sometimes, I get you and @whycarolina confused in my brain. I have to look at your pics.
@k8thompson maybe they're all on vacay together
@kisstheground i'd show them up w/blogs/concert reviews that are actual concert reviews, not shit that happened on the way

I got a million ways to get it. Choose one.
So it's a Jay-Z medly? Awesome.
RT @yearinla: I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND YOU ARE ALL OF THEM #ragewolf
Has anyone told Jay that this is not a full concert? No? Are they afraid to? #SNL
I HAVE 99 PROBLEMS, THEY ARE ALL YOU - http://is.gd/c0ROB The image.
You'll meet the wonderful wizard of ASS! #SNL

My Ex, Betty White will be on SNL in a little under an hour. She broke my heart but was still the inspiration for Your Body is a Wonderland.
Don't break Betty White's hip. That's my job.

Maddy is 'super duper' excited for Toronto. WTF? DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME LIKE THE OTHERS.
RT @nprnews: Isabella And Jacob Were Top Baby Names In 2009 http://n.pr/ad3L3U #LOST

@catdsilver What really sucks is not being able to look at ANY bridge without fear of dying
@catdsilver fuck bridges scare me
My Lady knows what I want. RT @catdsilver: @johnmayerasasim They used to scare me, too. We should just take our boat everywhere.
@MeganRabren link
@MeganRabren for what it's worth, that Lucy bitch bothered me.

Completely uninstalled World Adventures and considering selling it.
Hey, @catdsilver - RT @ebertchicago: I may be an old fart...but I'm your old fart.
Hey @jtimberlake. I've seen this .gif around before. What's it from? Why were you so happy? http://is.gd/bVYOW
Really expecting his long lost princes to start emailing RT @nprnews: Nigerian President Yar-Adua Dies After Long Illness http://n.pr/dpFMX4
@ShenaniganJenn SEXAY!
@vzwsupport your website is slow.
Bunch of priests just walked into this joint. Scared.

@otterbugg Anytime!
Would you like to help in the purchase of new sets for @johnmayerasasim? Now you can. Please visit: http://is.gd/bUgZo No obligations!

Now singing 'Hey Carrie Anne' by the Hollies.'
Also, when updating your saga of JM Fanfiction, NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR WEEKEND.
Sorry everyone, it appears I've forgotten to take my pills today. But don't worry, they weren't the important ones anyway.
@Jim_Wolf Is there a list of dates outside of NYC to look forward to?
@Jim_Wolf hooray!

Get ready, TOronto! 28 days until I rape you in the *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* PS - Maddy got a job working PT at the GAP
Maddy's job means discounts for @pixolita.
Fuck, are you kidding me? New shitty @johncmayer fanfiction with bad grammar and poor punctuation.
Why can't people just post the story without writing a novel about writing their story? IDGAF what inspired your shitty fanfiction.
No, @ShenaniganJenn but it's on my LJ friendslist. like a bad fire at an orphanage, I cannot look away.
@ShenaniganJenn http://community.livejournal.com/jmayer_fanfic/1611846.html
@ShenaniganJenn and now you cannot unsee what has been seen
@ShenaniganJenn glad i could disturb you this evening
Ninja fighting with Maddy at the beach. Maybe her being 15 ain't so bad...
@catdsilver my heart is with you too

Interesting @johncmayer has changed his zorak colors...

Omg there's a fire!
Everyone's freaking out except for Maddy's dad, who's smiling. WTF?
Fire is out. But my wife is fucking mad at me for some reason.
@VannyDel i'm coming in soon for you
@johncmayer zorap.com/vannydel use a goldenshower to get in.