JM, As a Sim

@SteveMartinToGo come to the Gap at Colonie center before your show tonight and I'll give you a deal on a hat.
@JohnMayerAsASim @SteveMartinToGo of course it's a toddler's @charliesheen hat. But whatever. I look forward to your show tonight.
@SteveMartinToGo thanks for letting me thank you for Shopgirl. The microphone I brought is my best friend @ninaisshort
@wildmook Thank you so much for he follow! Been a fan for nearly 10 years!
@wildmook oh and btw, can you teach me how to build an effective panic room for one of my wives? You know, hypothetically and all?

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHERE IS MY HORSE? I'll be in the bathroom with my lube. Thanks.

@charliesheen Belated congratulations on your 3 millionth follower!!! Still waiting on my shipment of Tiger Blood! Will repeat at #4million

Elizabeth Taylor in her most important role ever - General Hospital's Helena Cassadine http://is.gd/jrMAJs

RIP my old love Elizabeth Taylor. You were a wonderful old broad and a great 3rd wife. Big ups to you.
RT @ninaisshort: @JohnMayerAsASim I got an email from your long-lost son Walls. He's gone and changed himself into a woman.
@ninaisshort if Walls asks you for money, you say his pappy is watching him. Even in an email. HE NEEDS TO LEARN I'M ALWAYS WATCHING HIM!

http://twitpic.com/4bmurw - @charliesheen very sexy.
SLEEP. I command you!
@kingsleyyy are you familiar with/do you follow @thefinebros? They're responsible for the Degrassi spoofs featuring @shanedawson. Funny men

HAPPY BELATED @THEFINEBROS!
Which one of you fine honies wants to come and sleep between my legs so my sciatica doesn't act up?
@laundando nevar
Most importantly, @hausofsantiago Gaga's biggest problem is that she's a vacant looking mouth breather.
How the fuck did I forget that much needed adjective :) RT @lynnekramer: @JohnMayerAsASim and talentless!

RT @SallyBlock: At work, I'm trying so hard NOT to market this as the @charliesheen fedora and failing. #winning. http://is.gd/irBJtF
RT @SallyBlock: At work, I'm trying SO hard not to market this as the @charliesheen fedora and failing #winning? http://twitpic.com/4akbq0
Oh RT @SallyBlock: At work, I'm trying SO hard not to market this as the @charliesheen fedora and failing #winning http://twitpic.com/4akbq0

Did someone say cockshot thursday? It's early but still...
Sort of. In the style of @snlStefon, @FnRayOSunshine It's that thing of when you send/receive a cockshot on your phone to someone.
@FnRayOSunshine @snlstefon Whether they expect it or not. It's funnier if they don't...
Tell him you'll be bringing back CockShot Thurs. RT @FnRayOSunshine: If I don't get the @charliesheen intership I'm gonna Blame Lil Wayne.
Everybody! IMPORTANT! https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=190535860984629
@FnRayOSunshine It's quite possible. I'm sorry for the way things ended.
BLOW ME, I'M IRISH! Not Irish at all, actually, but enjoying Baileys w/Ensure all day. #nothowthatworks
RT @ninaisshort: @JohnMayerAsASim I've always wanted to wear a red shirt on st Patricks day that says "Fuck Me, I'm Italian".

Does your ass hurt tonight? Mine does. Part of being old.

Oh a very late dinner for your beloved, Grampa Johnny.

MADDY, You are PERMANENTLY grounded for this Rebecca Black BS. Now people will think we don't know how to blink. Almost out of the will.
http://twitpic.com/3oe4s0 - I went and clicked on that Rebecca Black video and was pissed to see that it was my beloved Maddy. Girl best be
RT @JstCallMeFrank: @ItsVader Steak and Blowjob day, dontchyaknow. :)
KINGSLEY! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJ9XIP6XNXs&feature=player_embedded
Video: Not even going to link to the original video cause it’s so annoying. Why doesn’t her fucking family... http://tumblr.com/xsr1rzq7hx
jedgarhover asked: I think I have a grasp … you are like the Peterman Reality Tour from the days of... http://tumblr.com/xsr1rzr0bd
jedgarhover asked: so who are you … I mean really? I am Mike Smith damn’it http://tumblr.com/xsr1rzrc9g
kalimadevi asked: Flooby nooby. Fmab tabana scherky kwerdo, milfin…. blarb. http://tumblr.com/xsr1rztnph

Courtesy of @canteven - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0StE2Be_4o&feature=player_embedded

@JstCallMeFrank anytime!
@JstCallMeFrank Just like how I imagine people are when they discover I'm not the real thing...
@_drina I done baked you some
@JstCallMeFrank BUT THEN THEY COME INSIDE AND SEE I'M MORE AWESOME BECAUSE I'M IMMORTAL AND OLDER AND WISER AND SEXIER THAN @JOHNCMAYER
#trufax y'all. #trufax
@_drina yes, come get em
#WINNING RT @_drina: @JohnMayerAsASim *jumps out of the bathtub**you did know that I'm a total bathtub whore, right?* Let me throw on a robe
@JstCallMeFrank I am not him?
@JstCallMeFrank i think we're both on drugs tonight :)
@JstCallMeFrank Bailey's and Ensure. My nightly cocktail. Plus maybe some pot. Whatever the wife puts into it. I dunno but I like it.
@JstCallMeFrank better not be. She's not even in the will anymore.
Long story. @JstCallMeFrank Check my previous strips out at http://twitpic.com/photos/JohnMayerAsASim
http://twitpic.com/k7nij - In memory of two grandchildren who were tossed by the wayside for sassing my old ass. An old strip:
RT @JoelKHughes: Musicians annoy me. 4-5 gigs along the same part of the country, IS NOT A TOUR. They're just gigs.
Fuck, #Japan just keeps getting worse. I'm sorry. The timeline about it is heartbreaking. At least @charliesheen is a good distraction.
RT @SallyBlock: Cuddling with Bubbie on the couch while I play with @johnmayerasasim.
Found a @charliesheen sim. Will customize and then party.
@charliesheen very nice new profile pic.
Just got done watching 'Color Me Kubrick." Brilliant. True.

What have I done with all my Grammys? Melted them down into one giant Grammy Award. It's been 40 years of awards and it's a giant Grammy.
Police Raid at @CharlieSheen's house. Rumors of a 5150 psych hold. Hope they force-feed him a burger. http://is.gd/TRXcO5 @tmzharveylevin
Just made myself my evening cocktail - Baileys and Ensure. Life is awesome. I hope you are all well. Time to read some porn.
RT @Jason_Pollock: Dear Twitterverse, I know Sheen's casa was just raided & everyone is tweeting about it but remember THERE ARE MUCH MO ...
@charliesheen Did you find out your home was being raided just like the rest of us via twitter?
Only if you're up to it tonight. @Vanny_Del and don't forget to please please bring some extra shplrorlpl lube and flaaaaarp brand condoms.
Problem #1 They don't bounce. Problem #2 They're not in my mouth. RT @Vanny_Del: Photo: #TITS http://tumblr.com/xta1qhva30
#3, they're not real. Major design flaw. I demand a refund. REAL BOOBS ONLY PLS IRT @Vanny_Del: Photo: #TITS http://tumblr.com/xta1qhva30
LOOK OUT EVERYBODY, I JUST CAME RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim Fmerbokken damooschlarb demba melfin mazshnee reema blarb.
I say something about hamburgers & @charliesheen in this tweet http://is.gd/dhscCr then suddenly TMZ updates with the same thing? SOULMATES!
Dear @charliesheen I've given up many children but will adopt you. I have tigers & think you'd dig Leopard Plasma #planbetter #followme #wtf
I have new neighbors who moved in across the street. They are super loud. I'm hiring people to take them down. Interested?
"I like this one, son. She can at least read," http://is.gd/t56OIi True Love finds you
RT @thomaslennon: Sleep tight. And if I'm the one who finds your dead body -- I swear I WON'T teabag you. (Wink wink.)
Okay, seriously, I mean it. Goodnight.
It's lonely in this big bed. Come lay down with me.
RT @Dave_Chappelle: #pray for the victims of today's earthquake in Japan, hopefully the coming tsunami will not be as bad as they are pr ...
RT @bearheadedgirl: @JohnMayerAsASim And lie here with you? Should I say a word?
RT @JstCallMeFrank: who UNFollows on #FF? Really? That's a special kind of mean.
RT @msnbc: Japan declares 'nuclear emergency' after problems with cooling system at power plant, NHK reports http://on.msnbc.com/flwLBb
RT @GeorgeMichael: Happy Friday People! (imagine Oprah like volume....)
To my beloved Japan: please be well and take care of yourselves. Will donate all I can. Missing and thinking of you.
Told my granddaughter Maddy - cupcakes are not breakfast - unless you wake up after dinner or are OLD like me & may not make til then.
@ShenaniganJenn Unleash your dragons upon me, Jennifer
How do I love them violently @charliesheen? Do I fuck Japan with my Adonis DNA or something? My old man balls can't reach that far but...ok.
Taking Maddy to her after school job. Time to hit on the waitress.

@Fraaa It's very hard to make @charliesheen's nose
30 followers away from 1k. Small goals but still a goal. Hope you're all well and warm this evening!
Photo: Look at this chef. Your argument is invalid. funnyordie: http://tumblr.com/xsr1q55omp
#winning RT @Papa_C_Los: CRIPES! I MISSSED MY 19,000th tweet. I was planning on sending it out to @charliesheen . Maybe he'd notice.
RT @Benjamin__Linus: I'm on a drug. It's called "Benjamin Linus". Possible side effects: Always having a plan. #winning #polarbearBlood
Going to bed. Someone come over and cup my balls. BallCupping Internship starts this morning at 2AM. Unpaid. Apply at my door.
RT @Dave_Chappelle: #saynoto Republicans.... unless of course you're super rich and greedy, then it makes sense to vote Republican!
RT @rupaul: My morning meditation begins with: I am not my thoughts - I am the awareness of my thoughts
Good morning ladies and gentlemen. What are you bringing me for breakfast in bed? Btw, you were wonderful last night. Thank you.
Include some coffee and yes. RT @jenntleseattle3: @JohnMayerAsASim You're welcome. Today is a good day to have chocolate cake for breakfast.
RT @MarylandMudflap: I miss the 90s. When C+C Music Factory yelled "EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!" You know what everybody did: We fucking danced.
@jenntleseattle3 light and sweet and 12x a day. Just ask @Vanny_Del @caitinlv and @SallyBlock
The Incredible Hulk was not a super hero. He was a drunk white dude at a bar ~ Tracy Morgan
@mensnewsonline I've yet to find a woman as flexible as I am.

@FnRayOSunshine very manic. couldn't keep up.
@FnRayOSunshine not a doctor but prob more psychosis instead of drugs, no idea
My old man balls have many powers. RT @FnRayOSunshine: @JohnMayerAsASim I thought maybe your old man balls might be psychic.
@hwinkler4real You are one of my favorite people.
Oh my god, Prince Carlos. The only straight man in the world who can get away with wearing purple! ~ Roseanne
RT @billmaher: Tiki, u don't walk away from the game and get YOUNGER. Same to u, Charlie Sheen. Just wanted to show anything now can be ...
RT @GeorgeMichael: Twenty more of you and we hit 60,000
RT @yokoono: And we will know that Togetherness is the power we have.
RT @greggrunberg: Come see my band: BENEFITING CYSTIC FIBROSIS
SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 2011
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS
6:30-10PM
Tix: www.wisterial ...

Marry a tree - @charliesheen
@_MichaelGabriel Not really but yes.
Do people really think this account just came out of nowhere? My old man balls and I have been here for about a year and a half now :)
@malibujanna yeap :)
@SugarPlumKelly Oh hai girl.
@FnRayOSunshine Me or Sheen?
@FnRayOSunshine I want to follow you just because of your awesome profile pic
@charliesheen - We were featured on OkMagazine.com for your 2 millionth follower! http://is.gd/wpFAMG
RT @bearheadedgirl: Don't listen to the haters @BobMaron. Some people are just assholes.
@SugarPlumKelly @bearheadedgirl Look at my honies.
@Chanosky @charliesheen I miss you Chanosky. Please page me at your nearest airport kiosk.
@DrewFromTV when can we get the Drew Carey show on Netflix Instant? huge fan :)
@charliesheen now if I could just be the first Sim you follow. The RT was enough. Time to drag my old man balls to bed. Earn it kids!
RT @blakesennett: INTERVENTION is starting to get pretty predictable
I mean @charliesheen invented the Sims as he's a higher being. It'd only make sense. Jesus Christ. I need to get laid and some sleep. #troll
RT @nattamac: @JohnMayerAsASim I see the old ball bag is getting some press coverage these days. Time to break out the hair dye for thos ...
I'm not gonna bullshit you @nattamac. If you're lucky enough to visit the area, I'm not going to cover up my natural beauty.
@JoelKHughes my life...every day.
Can't get away from @charliesheen. Watching an old episode of SNL where Christian Slater hosts.
Because you're awesome RT @diirtyconverse: omg, why do I have "I Just Had Sex" on repeat? #jammin
@Vanny_Del I love you chocolate bunny
Maddy and I are going to Starbucks. She needs to get me out of the house and also to practice driving for her license test.
According to @johncmayer's tumblr, he no longer has a dog named Brisket. Very sad.
RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim I've got a brisket in the oven...
@charliesheen How much does a bottle of tiger blood cost?
just give us a d&mn price for it already. ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
I want to see a machete ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
Why is it your final ustream, @charliesheen?
Yeah, I think we get 'The Art of War.' Nice pants though... ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
The amount of snorting you can hear in the background is disturbing
And now another shot of the tigerblood. ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
The cigarettes aren't lit. Clearly the show isn't ready to begin yet. ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
Well, this ought to be good ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
Oh god...the Malibu Messiah...
I don't remember getting an invite to the nudie party. ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
What the fuck is this supposed to be? #charliesheen
Why does this have to be @charliesheen's last night? ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
What in the actual F3ck ( @charliesheen live at http://ustre.am/uZYP)
RT @Antiquorum: Antiquorum Offers Half Million $ Watch http://is.gd/bDw6K3
Hey @charliesheen can we get a transcript of tonight's show?
@Nick_Sydney working on it.
@FnRayOSunshine imagine a live recorded suicide note and then nothing to back it up. All talk and thankfully no action. Hope he gets help.

I'm bored. Someone amuse me. I'm looking at you, @charliesheen
There won't be a song, just a full out epic, Kanye West style music movie in the style of 'Runaway.' @P_HightowerXO @charliesheen
@P_HightowerXO I'll allow it.
@P_HightowerXO I can follow you but I can't say that you can say that the latter part is true :)
@Papa_C_Los How did you know I was watching that?
WINNING. RT @SallyBlock: My main goal for the week is to get @johnmayerasasim re-tweeted/followed by @charliesheen Sheen.
@P_HightowerXO one is mine.
On a serious note, I'm in the northeast and it's nasty out there. Say inside and fall asleep with me. Listen to the ice pellets. Goodnight.
@Pixolita goodnight my chocolate bunny!
RT @adamlevine: When I first heard surfer girl I fell in love with a girl that didn't even exist. That's how good they are.
HA! RT @capetownphoto: Jah but he slept with most of them :)
@HutchMartin huh?
RT @livewire315: @charliesheen @johnmayerasasim holy tigerblood batman!!! 2 million I want to see 4 by the weekend
RT @IslandBoyComedy: @charliesheen @JohnMayerAsASim - Don't you mean Congrats for making it to 2 million #winners
@LindaLauren Good morning. Thanks for the info. I'm aware.
To my new followers - in case I needed to tell you: http://twitpic.com/jdvhp
@charliesheen When you say #checkit all I hear is the Beastie Boys' "Fight For Your Right (to Party)." Not even in the song. Your song, man.
@rachaelcrabtree kinda what i was thinking, and I never have :) JM and I have spoken, he's aware of my fuckery and I've yet to be sued :)
@bizzleosikoya I reject this! I am awesome! i simply know how to count :)
@ShenaniganJenn You'll get me next time, Gadget?
@rachaelcrabtree I like you. You're being followed.
@rachaelcrabtree well then, consider yourself followed by @sallyblock, my the owner of my tigerblood
@LindaLauren naw, its all in good humour. I'm sorry to have hurt your feelings. Thank you for the advice. I used to play SL.
how was I not following @rupaul?
RT @C_A_JONEStechno: @charliesheen @JohnMayerAsASim - Was gonna make a congratulations speech, but my bacon sandwich just arrived. Prior ...
@PuiKar76 no harm, no foul. Have a good one!
RT @rupaul: Life is so f**king short - Don't waste it on petty bullsh%t
Time to take my midday nap. Drank my Baileys-mixed Ensure & am just drowsy enough to block out the world w/one hand on my sack. Later folks!
@JoelKHughes about 300. I'm very grateful to @charliesheen and @BobMaron
@JoelKHughes but some will trickle off
@JoelKHughes Yaaaaaaaaay!
@bridgdef heh I had no part in it :)
@ImposterStatler Well, strive for awesomeness and it will find you :)
This is almost as good as @helenkeller RT @ImposterStatler: RT @BeakerDeMuppets: meeep meep meep meeep meep
Time to see if I can make @charliesheen as a sim. This will be an epic failure but I'll see what I can do
@ImposterStatler You want to follow @snlstefon
http://twitpic.com/15q78k - BREAKING NEWS FROM MY PANTS!
http://twitpic.com/qq02b - A flashback as a special thanks to @bobmaron for everything.
http://twitpic.com/1t6lqp - I have an amazing ass. In honor of #bootyappreciationday, I invite you all to see it.
Photo: I’ve been in trouble with the law. But I got the law to take off their pants and marry me. http://tumblr.com/xsr1pfa9rv
@Pixolita I haven't seen that sort of fun since "Trading Places."
Supreme diggity.
Where is my wife this evening? @notcatsilver? Get over here and do something to my junk.
OH LOOK! I HAVE A BACKUP UNIT! @charliesheen #chocolatebunnywinning! RT @Pixolita: Come here old man @JohnMayerAsASim ((hugs))
@BestSoyLatte following you on this and on @sallyblock because your blog is pretty damn beautiful/right up my alley
@Pixolita be there in 5 minutes
blahdyblog asked: How did you get your sim so handsome? http://tumblr.com/xsr1pffwel
How many does it take? RT @Dave_Chappelle: RT @RealChappelle: They wont have my account verified until I have more followers. #Haters
@Dave_Chappelle oh what the hale, I'm 40 people away from that.
@Dave_Chappelle @realchappelle According to Twitter this is how you get verified, has nothing/little to do with numbers: http://is.gd/fnR4Q4

Sigh. @charliesheen because you're still so attractive.
@ImposterStatler I enjoy you. Let's grab a whiskey. I'll bring them up to the balcony during the show.
@ImposterStatler Not hitting on you, old chap.
@ImposterStatler Let's you and me go out and find ourselves some whores, Vegas style. Dean Martin playing in the back, or Bobby Darin.
Is it consider having 'Made it' when you get 4 spam messages a day, on average? Or is it sexual harassment?
http://twitpic.com/46zgdc - Greetings everybody from nakedtown.
@BobMaron http://twitpic.com/46vh4n - That red one looks delicious. Is it cinnamon, candy apple or cherry?
@charliesheen May I please borrow one of your goddesses for an hour? There's some soul searching over here that needs to be done.
@yearinla Me too though I think it's clear with the 'C' at the end that he just copy/pasted the whole thing.
Posting this Missing Persons info for a friend in need - David Mark, Massachusetts. Last seen on 3/2/11 http://is.gd/PtQPH5
@charliesheen Congrats for making it to 2 million followers!

@bobmaron you changed your profile pic! Nice shot! Hope you're well.
@hwinkler4real I want to go out for a walk with you. You are relaxing to read and I feel would translate well in person :)

Because clearly she's the 1st RT: @HuffingtonPost: Huckabee rips Natalie Portman for having a child 'out of wedlock' http://t.co/DnBY65u
@jasonryanglass I'm in LA right now hanging and banging with my ladies @meeshell78 and @_drina. Will be at the Hotel Cafe tonight.
@_drina well looky that. I just came.

@stefanodimera You, because you know you're batshit and you work it :)
@SafetyScissor because sometimes our upstairs neighbors are really fucking loud at midnight and deserve my hatred. Oh no, wrong Twitter.
@adamlevine Bonjour! Como ca va? Je m'appelle @adamlevine et je suis un American tres beaux. C'est vrai!
@stefanodimera the only way Charlie's beating you is that you still don't know that the real Kristen's a sex slave on an island somewhere.
@JohnMayerAsASim but now you do. OH LOOK. NOW YOU'RE WINNING!
People need to be aware of the Bro Rape phenomenon. http://t.co/4TYHRNo. Be good to yourself and each other. Say Jerry Springer & get hit.

And living in the moment is a bullshit sentence. You have to acknowledge the future and your past but not live in fear of them.
Sorry if anyone disagrees with me on that but I've always been bothered by the notion of 'We have to live in the moment.'
So long as you don't ruminate on either the past or future, you'll be fine.
Totes following @charliesheen now.
NO WAI?! RLY?! WHO said I had this? RT @RemediesForYou: @JohnMayerAsASim Be Herpes-Free for the Rest of Your Life!
Sorry, @RemediesForYou. It's too late for me to going back to being a virgin. Too much sex. Can't reset.
Hey @ShenaniganJenn, I've met Michael P. Jann from The State who directed Reno:911 guest starring Ryan Stiles from Hot Shots w/@charliesheen
I believe in real breasts, ponies & working hard to actually earn the $$ in my acct. RT @KimKardashian: I believe in fairy tales
@ShenaniganJenn but how did you figure it?
@ShenaniganJenn oh...Sweeeeet.
RT @SallyBlock: Photo: Hey @CharlieSheen! I got your clown doctor right here! #pastmistakes #cultclassics... http://tumblr.com/xej1nl5qj0
@aots I think he never got over this role http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhfzryO4Dl1qbhd0xo1_500.jpg
@zachbraff YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Saying 'I'm sorry if I offended you' is not the same as saying 'I'm sorry I offended you. #CharlieSheen
Oh and smoking on television definitely makes you look like a role model. #CharlieSheen
Oh, sorry that you actually have to work to earn money like the rest of us, Charlie. Sucks that it'll get in the way of your addictions.
@Vanny_Del I do...that's why I always stuck to pot.
@Carrydhg Uhm...if I click on that I'm going to get digital herpes. I don't have immunity/shots for that yet.
Ooooh Mr. Sheen you are a prime target for Scientology. Watch that shit.
Oh and way to slam those with mental disorders too, douchebag #charliesheen
Charlie will do what he always does - go to rehab/day camp, find a new wife, and have another baby. Then the cycle will begin again. #sheen
I read this in Towlie's voice. Thank you. RT @koreantomcruise: "Bring me Dr. Clown Shoes."
You can't make Major League 3 in your basement, #charliesheen. I don't care what the Candy Cane voices in your head have told you.
When someone says 'Defeat is not an option' it clearly shows that when they fail, they're probably going to work themselves to death.

Okay, you didn't just use an announcer to bring out an announcer. But you just did #oscars
Of course, the inevitable 'She's/He's fucking that person' shot #oscars
RT @michaelianblack: Tribute to Lena Horne but not Corey Haim? NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!!!
I want an upset. I won't get it but I want one.
James Franco then comes out in a blue plaid dress and red dancing shoes to make up for the obvious lipsyncing and HAPPY HANDSING gong on.
Yes, I've bought them all. RT @caitinlv: it would be really politically incorrect to ask what I want to ask about the kids in this chorus.
So, she's like Beetlejuice for part of this video? Is that right? Could they have gotten Michael Keaton? #gaga