JM, As a Sim

Hold up. Spinner's on this season of Degrassi? But he was on the Degrassi I watched when I was a teenager: Degrassi 1940s Clappers
Happy Birthday, @EX0TICM00NFLWER!
@yearinla Hell yes. And he was stupid then too.
Looks like there's a new Rick Murray in Degrassi this season...How I miss you...
Kids...KIDS!
@train Congrats on the time travel!
YAY WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE! RT @notcatsilver: @johnmayerasasim I ain't having no more!
Not a problem! RT @notcatsilver: @johnmayerasasim Can we kick all the kid's rooms into studios? And maybe a new closet for me.
@notcatsilver What IF you had a nickel for every time?
RT@anidee: the amount of facebook statuses talking about being either in line or waiting in the theater for "eclipse" makes me want to vomit
@notcatsilver BRIAN HAD SEX WITH A REALLY DUMB GIRL NOW WE'RE GOING TO GET ICE CREAM

Why am I craving coffee? #intervention #wtf?
YOU BITCHES ARE CRAZY! #INTERVENTION
Wait? The Mexicans and Spaniards apparently stole everything from Donna on #intervention
I didn't know you could be 'opinuated.' Thanks #intervention
Cindie's biggest problem is having a name spelled 'Cindie' #obsessed

My favorite awards show of the year is on tonight: THE DAYTIME EMMYS! Don't judge me. I'll pwn you.
weird dreams about my younger self this morning.
POST-stroke Dick Clark will always freak me out.
Ugh, Marie Osmond cannot sing. #daytimeemmys
Tony Orlando always reminded me of Freddie Prinze.
PONCH #daytimeemmys
Is this a midyear Grammy show or the Daytime Emmys? I think someone drank on the job and got the programming mixed up.
@drdrew Where can I find out about your tour and when are you coming to Union?
What's freaky is the plastic surgery victims who used to be musicians and once played on American Bandstand. On/off the record, I've never..
Nobody needs to see a crying Dick Clark. #daytimeemmys
I HATE YOU RACHEL RAY #daytimeemmys
I get it, the Daytime Emmys are about Las Vegas
I hate the doctors, as well.
Completely reinstalling myself.
Took my nightly drug cocktail. See y'all in 83 hours.
John Lennnon was singing about food this whole time #wkuk
"Hey, tough break kid; you got AIDS. Here's a peppermint" #wkuk
Ooh, Cold Mountain is on. I remember that war. #oldassman
I don't think I want to go to a place called 'Tittapottamus.'

@MeganRabren that is sexy. thank you

What if I paid you?RT @notcatsilver: @JohnMayerAsASim I did not run away! I just got a paying job. One that doesn't require fellating you.
I didn't know they collaborated - Slash feat. Adam Levine "Gotten" - http://is.gd/d3Mgu
Would you like to donate to John Mayer as a Sim? Please visit this site:http://is.gd/d3MEd
On behalf of @sallyblock, you're welcome. RT @michaelianblack: Dear New York, thanks for all the awesome boobs.
LEGGY BLONDE! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCub8r1T5Rs

I MISSED FUTURAMA.
Dancing around naked to 'Carrie Anne" by the Hollies. Come join me!
LOOK AT THESE HO'S FIGHTING OVER ME! WHERE IS MY WIFE...? @Vanny_Del @caitinlv
LOOK AT THESE HO'S FIGHTING OVER ME! WHERE IS MY WIFE...? I've still got it. @Vanny_Del @caitinlv
And from the Hollies, it rolls onto "Hypnotized" by Biggie. But it's still 70s because it samples "Rise" by Herb Alpert: Biggie's murderer
Love that Miley Cyrus says she's not trying to look slutty. Oh girl, don't you know that sometimes you don't even HAVE to try.
funny - i thought Kid N Play died in a tragic fire of everything that sucked about the 90s. No? Oh, alright then.
Well, why is...those things? #futurama
But nowadays, SHUT UP! #FUTURAMA
They didn't really have to do that to Bender? They could just give him a new body frame. #futurama
you come and go, you come and go #futurama
Wow, that cyclophage is the worst animation this show has ever had #futurama
Why didn't any of you assholes tell me that 'It's Always Sunny' is on Comedy Central now? I BANISH YOU ALL TO THE TRANNYDOME!
Why does everything I date run away? #futurama
This is all a dream, isn't it? #futurama

How are you all doing tonight?
@NYHarvickFan hot and kind of annoyed. Maddy is at summer camp.
Commandment number one: Shut the hell up!

Dear @johncmayer - nice photobomb! http://is.gd/cZMqN
@Vanny_Del @ellebees LOOK OVER EVERY PHOTO YOU'VE EVER TAKEN AND MAKE SURE I'M NOT IN IT. I MIGHT BE!
I take offense to this. What about the uggos? RT @Vanny_Del: Dear followers: You are all beautiful, never forget that. Please retweet.
@Vanny_Del runs
@mertmij That sex scene from 'Fight Club,' or just any movie she's in...wonderful...
@IAmJacksBot How is Jack's appendix, btw?

Have to admit - I HATE OWL CITY
Fear not @_drina! I plan on going back in time and cancelling my contract with those assholes!
Hello and happy pappy's day to you too @bobmaron!
I'm a hot bitter old man today. But I still love you...
Just saw the ONTD post of Helen Mirren half naked in a tub. Makes me wish we never broke up. I miss those boobies. *sigh*

All of my kids and grandkids have called me for Father's day. All 179 of them. I put them through to an automated machine. Too much. Thanks!
"Uh huh. Yes I love you too." Or "I'm sorry I threw you out after you turned 15. How've you been?" 2 different options for if you call today

Now playing a sober show at the Ihop on Wolf Road in Albany!!!!!!!! COME SEE ME PLAY!
I have a tiny penis, I'm slightly gay and I like Asian girls - my younger self @johncmayer
What do you want me to play tonight? Some of my early stuff from when I was 56? It's been a long time since I've played that.
I wrote this great song when I was 55 called 'Going the speed limit.' It was awesome. Won a Grammy for it.
i also wrote a megahit song called 'Everyone's squirting nowadays!' It was a great summer hit
Also, I wrote a wonderful song called "FedEx vs Zappos" to the tune of "Venus Vs. Mars" by Jay-Z @johncmayer
Why is soccer so important this year? I don't remember this much hype last year? Then again, I'm fucking old.
13 Things Worth Knowing About Super Mario. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/19/13-things-worth-knowing-a_n_618269.html?ref=twitter
Always a joy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmkqFoExHMA
Look at this adorable bullshit - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMnpWYaCKB0
@wirepatch how? I posted under @sallyblock. But thanks for the follow!

Treasure it for what it is and accept it for what it isn't.

Why am I awake? I'm not doing anything awesome...
@bunnyears where are you watching this?
@johncmayer lay off the booze when singing why georgia. aside from this, you sound great.
Drunk and eating an apple. Ask me anything!
Good question. Who is eating the apple?RT @EX0TICM00NFLWER: @JohnMayerAsASim How may bites does it take to get into the center of an apple?
And also depends on the type of apple. RT @EX0TICM00NFLWER: @JohnMayerAsASim How may bites does it take to get to the center of an apple?
NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE @JOHNCMAYER
@michaelianblack i love you but what sort of black magic do you use to tweet from the plane?

FIND YOUR PENIS FOR A DOLLAR! RT @anidee: AHHHH the fat people episode of Family Guy is on!!! [adult swim] has been on POINT this week!!! :D
NO ATLANTIS IS TOO UNDERWATERor FICTIONAL - #ZACHANNER
Everyone follow @cldplaygrl because she's in the UK and you're not. Oh, you are? Well then you have no excuse. Follow her.
Mine's been on pre-order for a week now. @ohnotheydidnt The Lady GagGag love doll!: http://bit.ly/c9JBbQ
Bea Arthur, @yearinla, all the way. Mainly because of a fling we had in the late 60s after she was in 'Mame.'
Anyone know where I can find the mutual followers option on twitter? @vanny_del?
@VallejoAmyuJ no. that looks like spam.
@13thwitness Just keep believing that children are our future and we'll forgive you.

Dammit Twitter - do your job or else I'm firing you and writing you out of the will...AGAIN.
@STFUParents I think I've been mommyjacked over the phone via IM. How would I send this to you?

If you're lucky RT @Vanny_Del: JIZZ HAPPENS.
Ugh, why can't Maddy get her license at 15 so I don't have to wake up early and drive her ass to work? Oh yeah, because life ain't fair.
Ladies and whores, who is this man? http://is.gd/cO0Ah It's not Richie Sambora or the lead singer of Def Leppard.
At this coffee shop there are two assholes with Ipads. Not impressed and not to be outdone, I've brought along my entire iMac.
HI KIDS, HOW ARE YOU? serious and non serious answers are welcome.
I LOVE HOW FAR THIS IS REACHING. RT @rinygrin: http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/47841010.html WHO IS DAT?
LET'S GET MARRIED. RT @yearinla: @JohnMayerAsASim i thought you still had an apple 2
They're playing Journey at the coffee shop. Time to do Karaoke.
New followers: Who the fuck is this guy? I'm pointing at you @wirepatch and @t_rim!!!!! http://is.gd/cO0Ah
DO IT @solarpowerspork
IT'S ON. RT @catdsilver: @JohnMayerAsASim I will show up and we can duet it like they do on Glee. Ooooh, pop culture reference!
And because you responded, @t_rim, you have won my followship. NOW DON'T BE LAMEASS AND DISAPPOINT ME. #newfollower #manpms
Or NYC. RT @rainnwilson: Q: Did my son have a hip-hop dance recital in Malibu today? A: yes. #onlyinLA
@yearinla youtube the horrible rendition by Elton John and Axl Rose.
@_drina oh girl, it's fine. i took 2 tylenol with codeine and am going to wash it down with a wine cooler. OH the life of older @johncmayer
@Vanny_Del (*jizz*)
@Vanny_Del i'll be there in 2 hours

Were you walking on sunshine? RT @RonVMyers: I shouldn't be allowed to tweet when I'm high on coke and canned air dusters.
@13thwitness whay
@13thwitness what is this, velvet?
In order to make sure that Maddy grows up with a fucked up sense of humor, I am making her watch every episode of The State. Happy Saturday!
YOU UNDERSTAND ME AFTER ALL :) RT @yearinla: EVERYBODY NEEDS TO GTFO.
I cannot take The Dark Knight seriously after all those fabulous @ohnotheydidnt Joker Parties...

Oh children how is your friday going?

Gunnite everybuddy. I'll be in bed in a second!

You never have to fart so bad as you do when you can't.
@koreantomcruise fuck the po-leece

I was waiting for this :-) RT @ThisIsRobThomas: joran van der sloot confesses to murder in peru. Too bad. i loved him in dawson's creek.
You'll always give me a boner #thestate thanks @thomaslennon

Hey @STFUParents! Is it possible to get mommyjacked on twitter?
@Papa_C_Los did I survive the purge?
I'm this close to calling animal services on that whining dog next door.
ANyone wanna buy a phone? Like new! http://is.gd/cGoE6
Wanna read the most annoying blog ever created? Stop obsessing over having babies and live your life. http://is.gd/cGD62

Maddy doesn't want to go home. Neither do I.
#RIPRUE!
Bea Arthur. It was always Bea. @cwm76
@sarakamin you're talking about the canadian govt, aren't you? Got my hopes up.
@rustyrockets I'm flat broke, work at a GAP for slightly above min. wage and under 12hrs a week. Also, haven't had a steady job since 2007.
@drdrew so according to them, celebs aren't ordinary people who all look the same when they're detoxing? I like what you do. Don't stop.

@bearheadedgirl @SugarPlumKelly That's $oku for ya!
Great song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yvEYKRF5IA&feature=player_embedded
Just found a tv station that plays old episodes of 'Blind Date.' Oh my...
Wanna hear a great debate over the soon to be female Viagra? Listen to @jianghomeshi on @CBCRadioQ right now.
@CBCRadioQ why should it be a quick fix?
@catdsilver You should go to the website and listen in. It's a feisty battle right now...
Last day in Toronto...Maddy and I love it here.

Dear @johncmayer - Just saw the video. Why isn't half of your heart in a synagogue? Love always - your older ass self.
But on the other hand, it's footage of me breaking up with my first wife before we got married and had 'Walls.' http://is.gd/cyp2v
@caitinlv I'm glad that bitch forgave me but it wasn't worth it in the end because she fucking sparkled everywhere and always complained.
@johncmayer bring your sick ass into a zorap this evening.
@kingsthings How does she feel about the Westboro Baptist Church protests and video parodies of her?
My pension check is processed. Time to purchase more whores while Maddy sleeps.
How is EVERYONE on my followers list doing tonight?
It's an international love connection. RT @catdsilver: @johnmayerasasim Sexin you.
New strip coming your way.
Greetings from my hotel in Toronto. It's time to learn you all something. NSFW. http://twitpic.com/1t6lqp
http://twitpic.com/1t6lqp - New strip featuring @johncmayer. Original tweet: twitter.com/johncmayer/status/1172309787

@johncmayer we figured it out. please give us head in toronto. We'll be waiting at the Econolodge on Jarvis.
Shut up woman, get on my horse.
@ninaisshort :)
Embarrassing Maddy by singing and dancing to 'Bad Romance' on the bus. NO SHAME.
On the subway to Eaton Centre. Maddy is sleeping and adorable. #Canadawwwww
@jianghomeshi figures your program would go to America when I go to Canada.
Time to follow 10 random followers!
On Yonge street and feeling anything but. #oldman #fail
Some guy handed Maddy a rose, he works for #ctv. SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE ON YOUR BACHELORETTE AUCTION, YOU PIMP.
Damn girl... RT @Vanny_Del: Off to the store to buy food and charcoal so that I can set shit on fire.
@Vanny_Del I love that you can arrange the background to make it seem like the bunny is scared by her. Clearly, it is.
up in the hotel room, being awesome
Here I am at the pool. http://twitpic.com/1strkc
Best website ever...http://stfuparents.tumblr.com
Leaving Maddy in the hotel so she can watch the Beetlejuice cartoon. If you need me, this is where I'll be. http://twitpic.com/1sxeyb