JM, As a Sim

Late night listening to Greg Laswell, "Then there's you" ♫ http://twt.fm/413326
@VannyDel oh hay girl.
@VannyDel cheers, ladies! and goodnight!
Cheers, everyone! http://twitpic.com/1jaaza
@johncmayer just so you know, there's a racino down up the street from the Bethel Woods Center. And that's about all you can do.
Oh and, @johncmayer, I'm sorry you're going to Sullivan County but also happy to finally have you there.
@johncmayer oh wait, the Racino is closed at 2am or something. You can run around Walmart and get tramped by Hasidum. Have fun!
son of a bitch
RT @billmaher Every asshole who ever chanted 'Drill baby drill' should have to report to the Gulf coast today for cleanup duty
@yearinla That's horrible. But I still love you.
@mertmij You forgot to include 'working at Autozone'
@Benjamin__Linus Bitch, you've got my vote.
Playing with Maddy. It's apparently her birthday later on.
@otterbugg if I were real, I'd talk to you. *hugs*
Kill Bill Vol. 2 on IFC right now. Just starting.
Your side always was a bit lonely, but I wouldn't sit anywhere else. - Kill Bill
I could quote this entire movie. Come here, Maddy, so I can annoy you by doing so.
@caitinlv you're going in the ground tonight...This is for breaking my brother's heart.
All I can think of when they bury Bea is how would've packed the ground a litttle harder. She killed the Crazy 88s. What's a little dirt?
Maddy wants to be a ninja assassin when she grows up. Warning to all future suitors: I'm considering it.
Teenage Maddy looks like Mila Kunis. Pic forthcoming.

Hey @johncmayer now that you're too cool for twitter, can you finally follow me? It's been a year and I've never asked you. Goodnight!
NEW STRIP: Fear not children, I will never abandon you. http://twitpic.com/1j6p0o
Want to see a naked picture of me? Go here http://twitpic.com/1j6p0o
no, @catdsilver you just didn
no, @catdsilver you just didn't spend enough time on the undercarriage and went to the left.
http://twitpic.com/1j6p0o - Seriously, I will not abandon twitter.
Seriously? Nobody wanted to see me naked? I promise you that nothing has changed since I was 32. Maybe got longer. But who's complaining?
@VannyDel damn girl, you know i love you.

Allow me to serenade you with 'Speechless.' RT @krisarms Oh, depression, even Lady Gaga can't make you run off like the bitch you are. Joy.
Dear @thesims3 I've done everything you've asked. I'm tired of you not working. Do you have a digital download for macs yet/.DMG file yet?
@mshowalter It's rather easy. Just pick a random celeb who you think you can make better simply by fucking and then tweet at them nonstop.
@johncmayer Just like the island of Lost, just because you're done with it, doesn't mean that Twitter is done with you.
@VannyDel @meeshell78 how bout you both do whatever I say?

See you in about a month, @Pixolita
I need to know @darthvader on a personal level...
RT @shitmydadsays: "Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."
These are equally important RT @kingsthings: ...We'll get an update on Bret Michaels and have a debate on the new immigration law in Arizona
Someone just walked past our house with a boombox playing unrecognizable music. I'm onto you. I no longer accept demos.
Hey @sallyblock! Get your ass in here and bring me my dinnah! @catdsilver is away for the week and you're my bottom bitch.
@ShenaniganJenn that man needs to read this
@Pixolita *old man hugs*
@drdrew Wouldn't it depend on where the bleed happened and what part of the brain it went on to effect?
@drdrew I have no medical background so I'm guessing.

One of my followers is dating someone named Kari. I met her tonight. You're a lucky man.
@VannyDel @caitinlv Schlorpy
@VannyDel oh darling.
Maddy is apparently getting older. I dunno how I feel about this.
@cwm76 and decent porn...
Oh nevermind, I found her. Everyone look, I've added @marilyth to my John Mayer Old Man Brand Harem. Treat her well.
@ninaisshort I wish...i'm going to ignore the fact that that girl is growing a chest for as long as possible
@BrandonBarash I've gotten 'you look so much better in person.' Upon hearing that, I killed them. They earned it.

@catdsilver NO MORE FUCKING BABIES
I would also watch 'Bitch Hunter' #30Rock

Hello there children
Why don't you all come over and we can eat these? http://is.gd/bA7pQ
Oh look whose wife is awake RT @catdsilver: @JohnMayerAsASim You can eat something better. OOOHH, yea I went there.
And now suddenly, it's daytime #LOST
Star Wars references #LOST wins points
Anyone else wonder how Kate is going to fuck this all up? #Lost
OH just fucking shoot Claire #LOST
And that's how she doomed them all #LOST
Jack looks ancient in the sideways flash #LOST
@bunnyears Don't know why I read that as penis...hmpmh
wtf was that supposed to be, #LOST? I am disappointed.

Not impressed.

Where is everyone this evening?
@caitinlv have i told you lately that i sex you up?
@caitinlv no? oh good, cause i'd get arrested and shit. sexxing people up is illegal in most state
@caitinlv love you, sexual chocolate. get some sleep.
They'd better not be crocs, @k8thompson! I've broken up with ex-wives over that!
@k8thompson Perfect. Crisis averted. Carry on!

@tonyheld Don't wanna sound full of myself or rude...

TIME TO GO OUT DRINKING WITH LARRY KING! SOMEONE LET ME KNOW WHEN/IF HE CHANGES HIS TWITTER NAME!
@ShenaniganJenn Hey sexy...
Fall asleep on top of you after premature ejacualation like a tropical depression #songsequelsthatnevermadeit
@ecctv I miss Ms. Jay. But I understand there's only so much room for Black Gay Men on that dais.
The author is from Canada - http://is.gd/btgZ4 There are no excuses for not using proper punctuation during dialog/the whole shitty thing.
@Jim_Wolf you come to Albany, young man. I have condoms and @sallyblock will make you omelets

Is that bitch speaking English yet? #LOST
GIVE ME A BUCKET - FAMILY SIZED. #LOST
Don't be a bitch to Desmond. He'll cut you. #LOST
@bearheadedgirl Oh girl, get over here with your jumbo yummies
This episode of LOST, brought to you by Blammo.
You destroyed RIchard's home...
Yeah, ticketmaster? you're not on sale yet!

@tonyheld @caitinlv schlort quleeeeeerp - Helen Keller, Twitter 2010
Oh I forgot we had popsicles
@VannyDel OH what sort of fuckery has started now?
@vannydel oh that's incredibly sexy...
@VannyDel Looks like a Housewife of Orange County, New York.
Thomas Lennon of Warwick NY died today. He was 53 and a member of the 'Pug Daddy Society.' I nearly feared for @thomaslennon's life.
Do you miss Maddy? I'm looking at you @pixolita
Hey! @k8thompson! Pick me up one of them classy airport hookers!
@k8thompson Let me ask @catdsilver, she's apparently itching for a three-er
HAY, @CATDSILVER! @K8THOMPSON IS GONNA PICK US UP ONE OF THEM CLASSY HOOKERS FROM THE AIRPORT. TELL HER WHICH FLAVOR YOU WANT. IT'S ON ME.
@k8thompson Naw, @catdsilver is a straight up platinum http://twitpic.com/nt8x5 I think we're okay with that
@caitinlv like you have to ask.
Best question ever asked on Twitter, ever. http://is.gd/bqkNw

When your body looks like a dirtbag's binder from 7th grade metal shop? It doesn't bode well for your character...*tinafey*
Where's my wife?
I'm quite happy with how this weekend went.
are you?
Old creepy ass home movies. RT @ebertchicago: Forbidden images cut by censors in the 1920s. http://j.mp/cqEjLX
@ecctv HOW DARE YOU HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE ONTD
Everyone listen up - SHALLOW HAL IS ON WE. WATCH IT NOW.
@_drina SHUT IT DOWN
RIP Dixie Carter. You were a sassy broad. I enjoyed drinking with you in Vegas that one time in between wives. Classy.
Taking Maddy to the mall. This is a mistake and I know it. Bye bye pension check.
@catdsilver OH yes, I thought I forgot something. It was me who roofied you and forgot to follow through...
It's just as well, @catdsilver...My left sciatic has been acting up and my John Mayer brand Old Man insurance doesn't cover chiropractic
Oh, @catdsilver you already did.
Gonna need pre-sale help wednesday night, children. I'm looking at all of you. You'll be written into the will!

Look at this GQ motherfucker being all right about Ke$sha. Listen to him. He's awesome. I want to adopt him:http://is.gd/bmBSm
She's on her way to irrelevant city with a one way ticket on the flop bus - http://is.gd/bmBSm
Whoever taught Jordan that reverse cowgirl position, it's long overdue but thank you, @danewhite007
Bum bum bwad dump. Quiet down now it is time to watch the show...
@voose_lagina I'm fucking jealous of you. And so is @sallyblock.

Time to talk about myself in the 3rd person
Trufax: @johnmayerasasim loved the Sex and the City series and will be going to see the sequel
That woman who played Ms. Gulch is in some movie on TMC. So turned on right now.
Hey kids! Grampa Johnny wants to hear about your sex injuries since he threw out his left sciatic giving it to @catdsilver.
Hey, @thefinebros if @mrbelding is going to be in your Streamy's video this year, will you ask him that what is going on here?

TERMINAL BONITIS DESERVES A TWIBBNON
AND A TWIBBON
I'm already there. RT @_drina: Aren't those free at the sperm bank? RT @brettyrocks @_drina *gets in line for a prostate massage*
Which one of you assholes wrote this and wtf is it supposed to be? http://is.gd/bkMr0
You know what that means, @Nick_Sydney. The author must be one of my followers.
It appears so, @VannyDel. But @MCSafetyScissor should be having Vietnam styled flashbacks over how bad it was.

@karenrowena Hey sexy. I'll have the avocado and fish please.
Okay, things that are up the craw I don't have: people who can't spell 'situation.'
The fact that I can't remember why I'm so fucking irritated.
People who unfollow people who 'cuss' on their followers list. People who use the word 'cuss.' Also the fact that I used the word 'Cuss.'
That 'Clean House' team who try to force people to sell their one of a kind valuables for shitty IKEA mass made shit.
Nicholas Sparks - http://www.cracked.com/funny-4725-nicholas-sparks/
When you're being trained on something and they go over every effing example.
That stupid bird who sings 'toooot-toooooooooooot.' You know that fucker I'm talking about. Been following me for 70 years. I'm onto you.
The fact that Futurama isn't back on the air right now. What's the Got-derm hold up, homies?
The fact that they call it '16 and Pregnant' when YOU KNOW they should call it 'Multicultural Trash and Ruined Lives.'
@catdsilver you reap the rewards.
Why isn't @billcosby hosting a show where he runs around bitchslapping the girls from said MTV POS tv show?
my next few tweets will include a list of things that I hate
@LadyofShalott06 No, There was a precursor tweet that never went out. THANKS A LOT TWITTER, ASSHOLES.
I sometimes wonder why nobody's impregnated Miley Cyrus yet.
Brazil. Nuff said.
How come I never find the Droids I'm looking for?
@catdsilver ABORTODRAMALLAMA? C'EST SI BON.
I wish I had jedi mind powers so that I could get rid of the fucking traffic when I drive Maddy to school. @catdsilver wouldn't get mad.
Kristin Wiig and her face. WHY? Just why. She seems like she's 46 years old. How old is she really? 36. Hire a vet. Put her down.
I apologize to @mcsafetyscissor for that one because I know he likes her.
Everything I love gets discontinued. Steve Martin Penis Creme got discontinued after I bought one tube. Loved it. Should've voted GW Bush.
The fact that South Park only has 12 episodes per season...or half season. Make me fucking wait. I'm old. I don't remember shit.
The fact that I'm fucking old and my balls are wrinkly. That's my biggest pet peeve. Like elephant skin just like @Jessicasimpson said on tv
I'm done. Get out. Good night.
RT @conormichael: Boobs: They're the tits.

Brill-yant - http://is.gd/bgu4u
I lurve getting into Twitter fights with people who think cursing only exists on the internet.
@ecctv I won't even begin to apologize.
How do you live in the 20th/21st century and not know wtf a v-chip is? Especially if you're a blogger about 'social trends.'
You cannot live a censored life, people.

http://twitpic.com/1dbysb - The finished result. Thanks Maddy!
@BobMaron http://twitpic.com/1dbzoe - I LOVE the Dewey Cox in the backround. Happy Passover, btw!
@_drina Why thank you!
I AM NOT AMUSED, INTERNETS
@voose_lagina Well congratulations. Try harder
Oh, gee. You mean refurbbed macs are dropping in price since people are trading them in for Ipads? HURRRRRRRR DURRRRRRRRR
@meeshell78 BABY @JOHNCMAYER? WHERE DID THAT HAPPEN???????????
@VannyDel OH girl, schlorbitty spickfaclthy
Can't say all you want about crazy ass @johncmayer fans & how you look down at them when at the end of the day you're a mod on his fansite.

HAPPY ZOMBIE JESUS DAY!
It's Easter. Get with the Got-derm program - http://is.gd/beiHJ
Take your ass back to your tree and shut the fuck up.
Happy Zombie Jesus Day, everybody. Now shut the fuck up.
Maddy wants to paint my toenails. What color should she choose?
@VannyDel @SugarPlumKelly We tried both colors and agreed it washes me out.
@VannyDel Washes my ass out, lady. My feet are essentially gray.
@SugarPlumKelly THIS IS NOT 1986!
Maddy has decided on dark silver blue. It is pretty.

I'm done. Get out.
@yearinla you'd better link
@yearinla that shit about thrown into the wolves...let me read
@yearinla She's just really really really young.
@yearinla That...too
@yearinla cause she's ripped them off of tryjm and every other gossip site
@yearinla i used to be that girl...different band though
@yearinla Moxy Fruvous
@yearinla yeah, nobody knows about them anymore

I AM actually @johncmayer
Yeah not really folks
@VannyDel 1) Your tits look delish. 2) Raw meat = yum
Tonight I will be hanging out at the Monticello Raceway and Casino. Maddy will not be there but @catdsilver has given me free range.
Where the eff is the Monticello Raceway? Here, or the middle of nowhere. I'm in Jewville USA for Passover. L'chaim. http://is.gd/bbNQq
@k8thompson This is why I have always eloped.
@k8thompson And why @sallyblock will be eloping and then inviting everyone to a huge party a few weeks later.
@catdsilver no more babbies, yes to the rest

BRAZIL! NO! COMMAS! DAMMIT!
This speech is my recital, I think it's very vital @MCSafetyScissor
@VannyDel So is your face :0
@VannyDel schlorbity nutszy

Maddy wants to start acting. Here she is as Tony's wife: http://is.gd/b7G3d
@solarpowerspork I'm not quite sure, but they're adorable. Maddy has a crush on every one of the boys.