JM, As a Sim

Everybody here is equally kind, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine...

Maddy's giving me a manicure. I don't quite understand but damn if these nails don't look purty.
@_drina She's on her way and since she's younger, she'll be there in 24 hours. Given that she's now 13, she can babysit your daughter :)
@_drina I SHALL ALSO BE THERE IN 24 HOURS
@_drina i like the resistance
Rotten.com never updates anymore. This makes me a sad old man...
@uknowimadreamer Newer than my balls and a bigger waste of time.
@bearheadedgirl however difficult, I'm proud of you for even attempting to do so :)
@bobmaron WHERE YOU AT, SON?

RIP Gloria Stuart, elderly Rose from Titanic, I wish you love and peace in the ever after. #rip
kind of stoned, we should play Ask Elderly John and his Balls! Fun for all ages!
Him unhappy he had you in the first place...
Counting the stars in Orion's penis...#familyguyquotesoutofcontext
Really, nobody has questions for my stoned old man balls? FINE? I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND PLAY WITH THEM.

Working in Albany is kind of like SNL- it's got a lot of character, it's fun for 10 minutes and then you want it to be over - Gov. Patterson
I missed you, Amber! And how she didn't even try to cover her leg right there...
OOOH, LANE'S DATING A BLACK GIRL! LOVE IT!
baby would have been born a racist, yelling silver haired asshole #madmen

RT @michaelianblack: Pizza for dinner two nights in a row because I'm a motherfucking grown-up and I can do whatever I want. Suck it, kids.
WHY HAVEN'T THEY FIRED KRISTIN WIIG YET?! #SNL
I love this opening of SNL tonight oh so badly.
MAYA RUDOLPH! BRONX BEAT! SNL!

WTF Stephen Colbert on Law & Order, Criminal Intent?
That girl just bitchslapped Ice-T.

@JoeGause94 please stay away from me with that sort of propaganda spam. Thanks
Maddy got a 99 on her first Algebra test. Took her out for drinks tonight!
Happy LOST Anniversary - Sept 22 2004.
RIP Eddie Fisher. it was always nice partying with you.

Facebook is inviting me to join the JCPenney online baby registry. No. NO MORE BABIES. No vasectomies either but NO MORE BABIES.
Stewie Griffin: Uh, yeah, we couldn't run an ad that said no Portuguese but, um, no Portuguese.

Hey uhm...@vanny_del. schblortchchhha knorrrrbity
Dear Melatonin: my old man balls and I love you.

Sally Draper is going to become such a fucking hippie. I can't wait. #madmen

It's the Betty White episode: I always loved our special nights together, Ms. Betty

Let us repent for our sins, fellow jews.
Ever wanna ask me anything? My old man balls and I are awake and ready to pony on up. Bring it.

What up, narcolepsy? I nearly passed out behind the wheel on the way to pick up Maddy.
@chanosky Have you paged me at any airports lately? I've become an airport lounge singer.
Look at me. Look at me being incredibly bored tonight because the wife is away. I'll play with my balls until I fall asleep.
@solarpowerspork thank you, i'm trying

@Pixolita on mah way
@thomaslennon the GAP.
What is it about this place that makes people walk like fucking rhinos? Tread lightly.
Wow look at them taking shots at Tony Held on MSM too...bunch of dicks.
RT @SugarPlumKelly: @JohnMayerAsASim Jealousy is never pretty. SMH
@beyondthepiphan bitch, you know that theatre is too condemned to be given the national chain name of AMC
@beyondthepiphan I love you
@caitinlv For that I'll be there in 2 days
@beyondthepiphan sorry, don't do asians
@beyondthepiphan No, you always yell at me for getting samples from you in the foodcourt and never ordering. I feel uncomfortable.
@bearheadedgirl you don't put extra butter OR salt on kettle corn.
*thinks there are too many people doing *this* on his twitter feed* *doesn't know what to do with his elderly life anymore* shuffles around*
@caitinlv oh girl, the crank has not left my old man balls
I'll be waiting RT @beyondthepiphan: @JohnMayerAsASim Brace your sack.
Oh, these Law & Orders are ripped from the headlines.
@MCSafetyScissor what are you trying to define ficus as?

Harold Gould, Miles of the Golden Girls, is dead. It's down to you BETTY WHITE to live until the end of time!
@yearinla Naw, he and I were out drinking/partying at least four times last week. I love him and he will be missed
WTF at my internet connection being a piece of crap tonight. not happy.
This is why i cry...
I agree @yearinla, if your life is directly affected by @johncmayer leaving Twitter, your problem is bigger than John Mayer leaving Twitter.
ONTD article about John Mayer quitting Twitter. The comments are gold. http://is.gd/f9yUA
@yearinla And even if he doesn't will anyone's life really be worse off? No. Here's a tampon.

Sweetheart, why are we awake if we're not going to have relations? Don't confuse me.
@mertmij get a room...with a giant flatscreen. Yay, no Kristen Wiig!!!!
Fine!! I'm going back to sleep, where I can at least DREAM of a blowjob.
@notcatsilver girl you gon get it, tonight.
@SLSCJR14 uhm ok. I was at work all this time but if you wanna be pissy about it....
Then I guess there's a point to gussing up after all. @Chanosky: Right, @Pixolita, we expect to have our fun later : )
Ellen should have hosted. #VMA
Thank you RT @AfterElton: Are we calling Kim Kardashian a "Fashion Icon" now? Her most famous act wasn't wearing clothes. #AEVMA
Hitting mute doesn't stop me from being annoyed with you, Mr. Bieber #VMA Go through puberty and see if your fans stick around.
DROP HIM! ON HIS SOFT SPOT! #VMA
VMA cameramen know it's so bad that they pan out to the city instead of being up close. #VMA
STOMP STOMP STOMP JUMP. STOMP STOMP STOMP JUMP. I'm justin Bieber. Gonna do some lines of crack off of Kim Kardashian's ass now #VMA
There's still time. RT @AfterElton: I have trouble taking Usher seriously now that he doesn't perform shirtless. @AEVMA
I'm giving kudos to Usher for his performance tonight. He brought it and let us know he still had it #VMA
@ecctv wait, you mean there are people out there who don't understand you're just one human being?
Fear not @johncmayer followers: I assure you, I reestablish my twitter account in under a month.
In the meanwhile, I look forward to your continued patronage and mutual loyalty. I wonder why the tumblr account didn't diaf as well...
Switched to Mad Men where they're playing Rolling Stones' Satisfaction.
Don't call Peggy 'Mom.' She's gonna ask you to DIAF #madmen
Dinty Moore = Bachelor Chow #madmen #futurama
I LOVE episodes like this #madmen
Way to sweet talk, lady, it makes us older men really want to be with you when you pressure us into shit we don't want #madmen
Betty, you look like a goddamned child. Grow the fuck up #madmen
FIRE HIM AND GET YOURSELF JOAN POINTS. ELEVENTY BILLION AND ONE. #MADMEN
@SLSCJR14 I'm talking about Mad Men.
It's just a twitter account. You'll be okay without it. We'll all be okay without @johncmayer tweeting all the time.
@mamadeetz ha, no, i'm not him and i'm not as talented as him. but those 3 million followers gotta go somewhere
'let's have a toast for the douchebags, let's have a toast for the assholes.' oh kanye, you're a poet.he'
Oh a toast for the jerk-offs too...
@SLSCJR14 watching kanye west
@SLSCJR14 i don't like justin biebs
@mamadeetz So long as the tweets aren't harrassing or annoying, I'll respond. Or if I'm in a bad mood or busy, I'll respond.
Finally got that blowjob I'd been searching for. Thanks ladies. 12 hours later...
I have a lot of followers on my twitter feed losing their shit over JM deleting his twitter. Unless he constantly tweeted at you, chill out
Am I missing something? Is it a bigger deal that he left twitter and I just don't see it? Enlighten me.
Maybe I'll head over to MSM and see the wank that's most likely ensued over this.
The only thing I can say for sure is that times like this, it'd be great if TRYJM got off it's ass and out of maintenance mode. #unpopular
Got several on the nightstand by my bed. RT @Vanny_Del: *hands out boxes of kleenex*
@JM94x hahaha no. better give up on it and wait for something else better to come along :)

@t_rim familywatchdog.com
ANNIE HALL ON IFC!
Kudos and happiness to my beloved wife @notcatsilver for getting her seats upgraded at the FL show.
@dmactree why is that ROFL?
@dmactree no joke, she really did get upgraded

@johncmayer dirty pillows not withstanding, was that in that tumblr pic?
RT @Pixolita: .... because you're probably wondering..... it's 1:32AM and I'm not wearing a bra. Thanks for listening. #BrasAreForSuckers
Oh great let's just put your political beliefs into your fanfic. No, that's not obvious.
Wow, Law & Order repeat with the pregnancy pact.
Holy shit, pregnant chicks hanging themselves on #SVU? #USA
@SLSCJR14 I am funny and cute, this is why I don't fix your grammar for you :)

@MCSafetyScissor fuck, are you guys still in that zorap?
Could have used you during my 1st marriage...
You meant that for me and I accept RT @Vanny_Del: @johncmayer Take care of yourself, old man.
@Vanny_Del it's a replacement be careful
Older men are hotter anyway RT @bearheadedgirl: @Vanny_Del @johncmayer won't be old until NEXT month.
Steve Martin's Penis Creme RT @Vanny_Del: @johncmayer Keep it up and you're gonna need more than old man brand lube and roller skates.
Dear @johncmayer - we've hijacked your zorap and are going to decorate it with inflatable penises. Come join.

THEY TOOK OUR JOBS! Episode is on right now
@adamlevine SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!
"Well help yourself to a fuckin' science book, cause you're talking like a fuckin' retard." - South Park, Goobacks.
@Triceratops88 THEY TURK DE DRRRRPS
MANBEARPIG!
RIP Cousin Otho - http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100908/ap_en_ot/us_obit_glenn_shadix
@caitinlv He shoots porn up there. I have some old videos.
Quantum Leap reference on The Daily Show. My night is complete.
If you have to ask... RT @bob_reynolds: Are you in?

@johncmayer I'm going to school in the spring to be a massage therapist. Hire me to go on tour with you and this will never be a problem.
I am that old mall walker every morning. Say hi next time.

Dear @vanny_del you would be happy/turned on to know that my hair is super soft today...for an old man.
NEW STRIP COMING TO YOU
Sorry I pissed y'all off on MSM today. It's hard out there trying to get a life when unlike you, I don't have 500-2,000 posts. SORRAY.
Whoahoah here she comes, watch out boys @sallyblock will chew you up. Whoa-oh here she comes, she's a maneater.
I LOOK SO FUCKING SEXY AND YOUNG TODAY. Let me be your silver fox. Also, a life tip and a shoutout to the shorties http://twitpic.com/2lku61
http://twitpic.com/2lku61 - Watch out watch out watch out...it's better than @bobmaron's jewfro I tried out a few months ago. Happy Sunday.
@_Tomtlxk WTF?? SPAM? Not clicking that til I know what it is

People can't just get together and fuck anymore, they have to put it on their calendar and make sure it all works out. No.
Musical happiness at the GAP - The Bird and the Bee "Private Eyes" ♫ http://twt.fm/458828

@Pixolita don't think that exists. isn't it half of my heart which leads into it?

Happy 90210 day indeed: Luke Perry is on this episode of Law and Order SVU on USA right now.
Didn't see the @johncmayer show last night because I was busy getting laid. Thanks @catdsilver for your contributions :)
http://twitpic.com/g6fup - HAPPY 1ST TWITTERVERSARY TO ME! - HERE'S MY FIRST STRIP!
Hooray, a happy ending for the rich people! #zoidberg #futurama

I love fanfiction about myself. Good morning to me.
8am is too early for illegal uses of the ellipses.
Ooooh, my brother Carl's in this one...
Serious case of batwings going on right now. Y'all hear me? Yes. Good.
Been there, and someone always ends up dying a little inside. RT @sethmeyers21: So we're divorced but still living together? #Iraq
8 followers until 400. Twitterversary in two days...
Up early in the morning for renovations to the manse. I'm going to fall asleep in the backyard and wake up with red skin, I know it.