JM, As a Sim

@stefanodimera You'd have to show that asshole Trump all your birth AND death certificates. I'll meet you at the printer.
@michaelianblack I thought all British weddings were Doctor Who themed.
Wait, all British weddings are NOT "Doctor Who" themed? Well fuck you, Royal Fam. I'll be watching the Golden Girls with @kevinmarshall!
Holy shit, Cartman's mom is acting like a mom. Damn.
@JstCallMeFrank thanks as always!

Hope nobody needs me. Just took the best shower ever and am gonna nap naked like I used to when I went on tour years ago. Like the view?

Dear girls on the Garage clothing website: eat some goddamn cheeseburgers. I'll meet you at McDonalds.
New phrase of the day: Crotch Dropping. Use it in a sentence.

I would've totally railed Donna #doctorwho #redheads
HAPPY SUNDAY! #Jewish :)
I fucking love Laura Linney. Always. It's a love that will never end.

RT @ebertchicago: "By the age of 50, every man has the face he deserves." (rt) http://bit.ly/e6I2jT
HIDE YO STASH, Antoine Dodson, hide yo stash.
@ninaisshort DO NOT MAKE ME COME OVER THERE! I have le sniffles.
Why does sudafed make me extra flirty? LADIES? Halp me!
@kisstheground but I still love you.
Fuck this, I'm gonna watch the David Tennant episodes of Doctor Who all day. I don't need your love...
Going to the mall with @ninaisshort to get Maddy some shoes. If that bitch thinks she's getting anything costing more than $25 a pair...
late night sudafed, baileys and ensure. Good times, ladies, good times.

Am I really this bored that I'm watching an episode of Ally McBeal?

What a great joke the mouse pad is on our laptops. The motions we make on it right above our laps - imagine if we were all women. #sadoldman
@kisstheground EXACTAMENTE!

RT @charliesheen: Epic Happy Birthday to @ginamaron, not only my friend... But, goddess to @bobmaron... My Tweetmaster and Confidante!! ...

@lisalocicerogh So Stevia is your new couple portmanteau? Unlike the fake sugar, you guys won't cause me to break out in a body rash. Sexy.

GOODNIGHT all my little children. I love you all and wish we were sleeping together in this large large bed tonight. Don't worry, sexting!

@TheSims3 are there plans to turn the Sims 3 into a wii game?
The mall is fucked up tonight. Where are all my pretty ladies? I am disappoint.

@_drina http://twitpic.com/4lcytu - I'm hiding in the bushes. Be scared. Or turned on.

RT @JstCallMeFrank: How old does a cat have to before it understands the words "Shut the fuck up"... or is this just pointless training?
I haven't left the toilet since I joined Twitter in 2009. My ass hurts. @JstCallMeFrank RT @smexygeek I'm a toilet Tweeter, how about you?
Hiring a housekeeper doesn't count RT @rainnwilson: Anyone who thinks that the rich 'create jobs' has never hung out with rich folk before.
RT @SallyBlock: Inappropriate stuff first and then a serious note. http://tumblr.com/xej242tnyh
@adamlevine No it's Constantinople!
Regarding the cancellation of One Life to Live and All My Children: You're an asshole, Brian Frons.

Oh God *jumps out to build an email. HE NEEDS TO LEARN I'M IMMORTAL AND SEXIER THAN I look forward to bed. http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet
This one actually makes sense! "Only if I say cockshot thursday?" — http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet
Important question: "How do I could just be last night. Thank you. Wink wink. I WON'T teabag you." — http://thatcan.be/my/next/tweet
RT @Boymeeetsworld: I just got banned from eBay tonight.,,. Apparently, a rat and a plastic tube does not constitute a DIY abortion kit.
@Boymeeetsworld Fuck them.
@EMILIOTHEWAY Four days late, I know, but if the internet's available, always choose it.
Grand Slam indeed. - WHEN I WROTE THAT SONG, THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND! However, excellent use of... http://tumblr.com/xsr2429x85

HOLD THE FUCK ON - DEGRASSI is on Netflix? See you all when I'm dead.
Title of the Degrassi ep where we meet the later abusive, shooter Rick? 'Never Gonna Give You Up.' Oh Degrassi, Rick-Rolling us in 2003.
FACT @Pixolita: I was Manny's baby daddy, not Craig. #degrassi
Some of these examples are why my kids are so fucked in the head. http://t.co/dqqxJVD”
@Pixolita I'd like to say I'm Emma's father but who would take credit for someone that annoying? Am I right @KevinMarshall? #degrassi
@Pixolita FUCK EMMA
@Dave_Chappelle Oh please. A gay man wouldn't be caught dead wearing a fanny pack. It's not 1992. #ifwehadagaypresident
@bjnovak welcome to twitter!

I agree with (comedian) Michael McDonald - A great day for me is when I don't sit on my balls.
@MeganRabren You sexy girl. Wish I was there.
STOP! There has NEVER been such a thing as a working class Bach and there will be!
@JstCallMeFrank you set fire to those assholes and how.
WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MOON AND NEW YORK CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @SHENANIGANJENN
I REALLY wish http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/ still updated.
@ShenaniganJenn Drink and fuck. Lots.
Oh my tired ass.
Oh shit, now it's windy outside. SOMEBODY HOLD ME?!
@alabamaradio Class-ay

Hader as Carville means no @snlstefon. Sad
Like an Easter egg hunt for all you dumbass kids!
@Pixolita headache earlier today. haven't gotten laid in a few days
FACT: @ShenaniganJenn I did that last night & won a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award for it in the middle of the theatre. Ask @ninaisshort.
Good night ladies. I miss you and your goodies. I'll be watching.
@ShenaniganJenn @ninaisshort WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT BETWEEN THE MOON AND NEW YORK CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITY!
RT @katerspie: FYI Crisan fans: gelato started today! now made w/ milk from Meadowbrook Farms!
This week, the States get a little sexier as @KarenRowena and @Pixolita descend upon us from their respective countries for #Coachella.

@lisalocicerogh Wonderful. Tomorrow, I'll tell his sister he's stopped fucking around and has gotten a job. It's about time :)
@stefanodimera Always wicked Wednesday here, old chap. Let's fuck some shit up at the mall before it opens & then be surprised mall walkers!
LOVE IT - http://is.gd/YjBAEL

New strip featuring @charliesheen. I now hate throwing parties. However, I'm impressed. What did you bring? http://twitpic.com/4h4dsi
oh shit. new post. i still exist. maybe one day i'll feature both @bobmaron and @charliesheen in the same strip. OMFGWTFBBQSECKS.
http://twitpic.com/4h4dsi - Goodnight everybody. I leave you with this.
Want some laughs? Go to itunes and type 'Half of My Heart' into the search box and listen to the shitty remixes that show up as a result.

Time for sleep. Busy day of shopping for Maddy's last semester of middle school. Not a fan. NOT A FAN.
KY Jelly - when you're seeing sparks where your penis parks - thank you Tom Hanks. Truer words...
@ebertchicago Gonna call the movie's ending now: Jaden IS his own father or Will is Jaden from the past/future.
Hey @charliesheen! Do you work design for the Gap? http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=59594&vid=1&pid=807924

@Pixolita lick them.

RT @JstCallMeFrank: #FF @JohnMayerAsASim @NonnyBiscuits @UnicornSyrup @dannydogmouth> #Follow Our #TeamAwesome < 7% our #Followers ...
It's Ass-kicking Friday! Point me in the direction of your intended victim and I'll take care of them with my old man fists!
@Pixolita oh my beloved chocolate bunny, how I long to be near you.

Giving myself a ball massage. What's GOING ON HERE? HAS ANYONE FIGURED OUT YET?
Spoke to @SteveMartinToGo tonight. Lovely gentleman. Heavily respected. Very jealous of his musical talent o n the banjo.
Late night Baileys and Ensure for my nightcap. What are you drinking? Meet ya in bed. Don't make a noise or else I'm kicking your ass out!
I've reached 1,000 followers! What's up @babuu_458?
@RendezvousPheeb I know...I has a sad.