JM, As a Sim

Going to the Oscars solo tomorrow night!
I'M GLAD ROBERTO BENIGNI WENT AWAY LIKE I PRAYED FOR
Is Halle Berry even still relevant?
"So the naked girl from Love and Other Drugs and the guy from General Hospital..." Yeah that about sums it up.
Oh look, more movies I haven't seen.
I feel like James Franco hates Anne. He's trolling her. Trolling us. Troll trolly Trollington. #oscars #trolls
Why would a major soap star like James Franco be so nervous about winning an Oscar?
And maybe the first soap star? RT @ebertchicago: Is James Franco the first PhD candidate to host the Oscars?
You be careful about calling Marky Mark, Marky Mark. He's gonna fucking jump your ass in the parking lot. He's got backup from his MA boys.
YAAAAAAAAAAY TOM HANKS. Shut the fuck up, kids.
Josh Brolin, why did you copy Javier Bardem's outfit? You were in the movie in which he killed people with an air gun. You crazy. #oscars.
I played this 'best of John Williams' review in highschool band. Thanks for the memory.
yes, I know it wasn't ALL John Williams.
127 Hours is a good movie and you should all see it.
"Congratulations Nerds" James Franco, Way to be officially trolling the Oscars
BLAH BLAH BLAH PIANO MUSIC YOU ARE NOT AT A PIANO BAR. PLEASE LEAVE. #Oscars.
Sorry, Gwen but you're not singing 'Fuck You,' so get off stage.
I forgot about Jill Clayburgh.

DONDE ESTA @BOBMARON?! Happy bIrthday to you!

RT @PeterGriffinn: What pisses you off more, the fact that I said something insulting about you, or the fact that you know it's true?
There's s lot of Gaga hate from me lately & I should clarify: I'm a fan, got her last album, "Speechless" always kills it! Just want better.
So it's like a regular game? RT:@billmaher: NBA All Star game - its just watching hundred-millionaires fucking around

Is there a zorap going on?
Richard Pryor on the Sunset Strip on my netflix and then bed. YOU SHOULD DO IT TOO
Finally back home a week after the Grammys. Saved Maddy from becoming a Belieber. He wouldn't abort anyway. Fucking 13 year old.
TRUFAX: Lady Gaga's new song 'Born This way' also sounds a bit like TLC's Waterfalls. Think about it and then get angrier.
Maybe 'Respect'? RT @_drina: @JohnMayerAsASim Also Madonna's Express Yourself & and an Erasure song I can't quite figure out.
@_drina Either way, it's a bunch of gay anthems that were written before and written better.
SUICIDE WANK - GET YER SUICIDE WANK, HOT AND TOASTY - http://is.gd/yquJ0Q

Wearing a hat in your singles profile photo doesn't make you look 'Cool' or 'Trendy.' It makes you look like you're balding and hiding it.
Important - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7iQWqHEG6A

@caitinlv @vanny_del RT @Helen_Keller: Kelbogarpen.
I need your help. RT:@SallyBlock: Almost there - http://tumblr.com/xej1ima5lp
No I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense.

Today I dressed up in a red speedo and a pair of wings #Jewpid
Someone wake me when it's Steak and Blowjob day. I can't remember when it is.

30 Minutes left - WHO WANTS TO BE MY VALENTINE?!
Did that guy just tell Lady Gaga to grow up? - Pretty sure…yes. http://tumblr.com/xsr1icum62
blockparted: http://tumblr.com/xsr1icxpln
@malibujanna I will and I'll shave soon.
TRICK QUESTION. I've claimed you all. RT@JohnMayerAsASim: WHO WANTS TO BE MY VALENTINE?!
RT @meeshell78: Why did Lady Gaga change the words to Expess Yourself? Seriously?
@SafetyScissor it's a very short list. You're, surprisingly, not on it. Congrats, it means we've done it!
Gnite kids! What an exciting show. Gotta get Maddy back before the limo turns into a pumpkin and Bieber hits on her again. NO!

Oh wow, Russell Brand recycled part of his stand up. But I love that he used the word 'Tight.'
Show 'em how to do it, now! RT @matt_nathanson: Get your dick sucked, your dick sucked yeayeah!!!!!!
I'll personally be there. RT @SLSCJR14: @JohnMayerAsASim Is Mayer performing at #grammys?
Why not :) RT @SLSCJR14: @JohnMayerAsASim Yes but is the singer John Mayer performing?
I'm performing at the Grammys! RT @SLSCJR14: @JohnMayerAsASim Not sure, there were a couple of conflicting stories. I hope so! ; )
A tell-all song about my love affair with a squinty eyed songstress. IT'S MY TURN FOR THE TRUTH RT @malibujanna: @JohnMayerAsASim WHAT SONG?
@caitinlv I'LL BE THERE IN A DAY.
I'll give you a dirty ole man. RT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim I gave her the ole dirty old man?
Just realized how awkward it must be for Russell to host SNL with Chris Brown, knowing he beat up his wife's best friend.
BONEITIS!
Maddy wants to meet Lady Gaga. No. You need to sit down. It's the Grammys, not a slumber party.
LIVE TWEETING FROM THE GRAMMYS, children!
RT @SallyBlock: Last minute donation drive - need to make $300 by Thursday or massage school may be a no go. Please - http://is.gd/imPsDY
Lenny Kravitz just got here. He was wonderful to Precious and so, I trust him around my Maddy.
@caitinlv I'm. On. it.
Being at the Grammys is like the ultimate Prom.
There are lots of pretty women and always some underdressed douchebag wearing a cowboy hat. Oh look, there's Jewel.
Ooooh, Nicki Minaj just got here. I want to take a bite of that chocolate bunny.
Nicki Minaj looks nervous. I should hug her. But then I'd never let her go. Isn't that right, @pixolita, @caitinlv @vanny_del?
@Pixolita *done*
I don't know a whole lot of you but you should be bowing down to me.
Maddy's bored and taking a nap back in the limo. I'm hitting on girls who are 10 years older than she is. I'd feel bad but they're hot.
(BTW, Maddy is now 15 so it's okay)
WHITNEY IS HERE. I'll be back in an hour.
But truth be told, if I'm banging Whitney Houston tonight and she yells out 'Bobby B!' I won't be upset. I love her so much. Always fine.
That camera guy on the red carpet kept trying to take photos of Maddy and get her number. Back off, I'm not afraid to go back to jail.
Hey, @pixolita. Given my history with black chicks, can you help me get with Whitney? Am I good enough for her?
Yes, I'm still going on the assumption that all minorities know each other. ALL WHITE PEOPLE DO!
What's up L.L.? Let's do a remake of 'Hey Lover.' #grammys
It's okay, they should just redefine the word 'Man' and 'woman' since they're so keen on redefining things lately. @t_rim
@t_rim See? It's just another thing they can add to their list of re-writing the dictionary.
I just got Maddy from the limo because Drake just arrived and I wanted to prove to her that he's not in a wheelchair. #degrassi #fail
And before you even ask, I'm not letting her sit with or even talk to Jordin Sparks. She's a bad role model and I don't need that.
Also, I just ran into my younger self. Told him to shave or I'd disown him. Clearly, he's listening.
Also, Tia Carerre is here. I need to act on that.
One of the douchebags from the Black Eyed Peas just arrived carrying a book. Like I'd buy anything written by you (includes your music).
I'm going to have a talk with myself about that. RT @solarpowerspork: @JohnMayerAsASim, what's with the Johnny Depp look, dear?
Actually, it's because my girlfriend has a Pirates fetish RT @solarpowerspork: @JohnMayerAsASim, what's with the Johnny Depp look, dear?
I think that was John Mayer RT @AfterElton: Johnny Depp washed his hair. Someone alert the media! #GayGrammys
I am almost drunk enough to yell out 'Hey, BOB!' instead of 'B.O.B.' to see if he'll turn around.
Look Lady Gaga, I understand you're fucking tired but you're not a fucking queen. Wait til you go backstage and fucking sleep.
Barry Manilow is here now. I need to talk to him about his plastic surgery.
Someone yell out 'Jimmy!' #redcarpet #wishes
I think artists abuse the word 'organic.'
Do these CBS commentators know how to do their job? The guy is an asshole.
I've had a threesome with Heidi and Seal
Martina McBride looks like she sings country.
Same. She deserves better than this rip off of VH1's diva's. RT @yearinla: ALSO I AM SORRY YOU ARE APART OF THIS FUCKERY, FLORENCE
Martina McBride's trying to country-ize Aretha. No.
RT @mkdlisted You know Aretha is backstage with a biscuit in her hand and this thought in her head: "Nice try, bitches, but no...."
THIS IS NOT NECESSARY - GRAMMYS
What the hell happened to you, Aretha? Go sleep, you look sick.
Oh look it's Madonna...oh wait. #gaga #grammys
SHE'S EVEN DOING VOGUE HAND MOVEMENTS. #GRAMMYS I'm leaving
I can see it from here andd the answer is yes. RT @Vanny_Del: I wonder if Gaga waxed her asshole for the Grammy's.
Oh good, she's finally singing the version she sang on the stage at the VMA's. #gagafail
No, Madonna was born that way. You were born later and decided to copy her. #gagas
RT @MeganRabren: Aretha's tribute was great. Florence definitely held her own. I am SO OVER Lady Gaga. That song sucks.
Video: tumblrisforlulz: http://tumblr.com/xsr1iaz8ax
Maddy ran to the parking lot so she doesnt have to hear half this crap. RT @diediemydarlin: And then that guy starts rapping. #Grammys
Yes. Maddy's scurred RT @Vanny_Del: So.... is the live audience seeing this in black n white too? O_o
Couldn't please me without your hands RT @Vanny_Del: I'm sorry but I don't care how much I love you I'm not catching a grenade for your ass.
Wait...yes you could. RT @Vanny_Del: I'm sorry but I don't care how much I love you I'm not catching a grenade for your ass.
BING BONG, Hello! RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim I have a talented mouth.....
Can we give out a damn award already? I'm tired and need some damn Baileys in my Ensure.
Russell Brand hit on me. I'm excited.
When Gaga cries it means she's gonna sing. Stop it.
And you dreamed you would become Madonna. Dream come true. #gaga #grammys
Of course it doesn't. She's just hinting at her next target to rip off. RT @Vanny_Del: But that doesn't sound like a Whitney song.
I totally hit on Susan Boyle. She's a firework in bed. #grammys #truth
TRUTH RT @SLSCJR14: @JohnMayerAsASim You NASTY
I just came from the amount of banjos on stage.
Yes, during that song, I was thinking of when I tweeted - It's a quarter after one, I just huffed a can of ceiling paint and I need you now?
Wow, apparently you CAN out-Elton John, Elton John. #grammys
Truth - during the rehearsals it was Dr. Teeth and the Electric band.
But I thought it wasn't a performance RT @Tourloko: Anyone else super excited to buy Mayer/Keith Vegas tickets right after that little diddy
Here's that homework you requested @tourloko - http://twurl.nl/e6ajol
Be original and shut the fuck up, internet ads.
All I heard was 'polishes' and 'head.' Leaving the Grammys for you. RT @caitinlv: @SallyBlock *polishes halo* *puts it atop your head*
So what happened to Jennifer Aniston? #grammys #barbara
I mean, So that's what happened to Jennifer Aniston #barbara #grammys.
I've been meaning to look Jenn up and see how her 85 year old ass is doing RT @caitinlv: Jen WISHES.

@HuffingtonPost I liked it back when it was called 'Express Yourself' and wasn't so boring.

http://www.youtube.com/aljazeeraenglish?feature=ticker - heavy shit.

You'll be fine. Shave and it'll stop. RT:@ConanOBrien: Just watched my show. Is it just me, or do I look like a women’s basketball coach?
RT @PeterGriffinn: Have you ever been so pissed at someone...jail almost seems worth it?

Hope someone lost their virginity. RT @adamlevine: BEST FLIGHT EVER. No contest. Bonds were formed. It was like summer camp in the sky.

Haha, Justin Bieber's going through a voice change. Welcome to endgame.

@Vanny_Del yeah I'm gonna have to see you in my office.
@stefanodimera why should you have time to read them? You're too busy planning world domination. I understand. It's why I like you.
IAWTC RT @drh3: OMG. NFL. BEP. FML

Greetings new followers - the check is in the mail!
Average day in my house. RT @Vanny_Del: Yep Kanye's mad cuz Drake stole his bucket of fried chicken.

Maddy woke me up to say school's closed for snow. Nice try kid, it never snows here. You can stay home cause you were creative & I love you.
Everyone should come live with me. It never snows/rains too much. No protests. Not because we're boring but that we know not to be assholes.

When Elliott Stabler says 'I've dealt with my fair share of kiddie diddlers' I pretty much lose it.
HOW IS EVERYBODAY?
This is good news. RT @Pixolita: @JohnMayerAsASim Hello old man! *flashes you*
Oooh, a tweet from a white chocolate bunny! RT @SugarPlumKelly: @JohnMayerAsASim Good! How are you? :)
Standing at attention for you RT @Pixolita: @JohnMayerAsASim I figure since I've never flashed you before, now is the RIGHT timeeee! Lol
I get no such things! RT @yearinla: @JohnMayerAsASim Hope you stocked up on the hemerrhoid cream before this winter storm hits.
Who amongst you followers is from the farthest away?
Dominican Republic, eh? Nice to hear from you! RT @dominicanjmfan: @JohnMayerAsASim Meee!
Yeah but he's never so far as hand's length away RT @bearheadedgirl: @JohnMayerAsASim *blink* You know... #SOKU is also Dominican... *cough*
@bearheadedgirl already done. how do you think i responded so quickly
@bearheadedgirl I DID IT IN THE SHOWER, HAHAHA
WHOA! And hello!RT @mandysdays: @JohnMayerAsASim Argentina, even farther :)
Putting a jungle gym outside. Maddy may be 17 but we can party like we're 12.