JM, As a Sim

Let's be juvenile today.

@MayorEmanuel Lets go out drinking and setting fire to shit. I know some whores.
I'm just old, rich and tasteless.
@MayorEmanuel When he did so, I hope Carl was listening to 'Long Cool Woman' by the Hollies.

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen. http://www.behance.net/gallery/Your-beautiful-eyes/428809
Specifically this one, it's like there's a lake in the center of a brown sandy beach. http://twurl.nl/goggzj
sugarflowersltd asked: I think I found the real John Mayer. Am I correct? http://tumblr.com/xsr1bzhke7
Bend over girl, I'll be there in 3 days. Get Ready. RT @_drina: @SallyBlock I always knew you were The Real John Mayer.
Well then be ready to go again. RT @_drina: @JohnMayerAsASim I'll be long done in three days time.
Just like Jesus RT @_drina: @johnmayerasasim People really believe?
http://johnmayerasasim.tumblr.com - more to come.

@caitinlv Go for Blistex intensive care in the pink case.
Why would I start? It's painful. RT @caitinlv: @SafetyScissor @JohnMayerAsASim Stop bending the shafts.
John Belushi's Joe Cocker will always own. Learn it.
Ask not for whom the bone bones. It bones for thee.

@bob_reynolds YAY NEW YORK
Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey. See a doctor and get rid of it.
No I can't make out the license number but it'll be pulling a small church...
@caitinlv The NEW PHONE BOOK IS HERE!
@caitinlv My dear family. Today I found out what my special purpose was for.
@caitinlv Do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend you can think of me?
@Triceratops88 as well you should!
It's not gonna be easy shitheadRT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim *plays "You Belong To Me" on a trumpet*
Is this the clink-boom episode of General Hospital? Of course, I'm asking for a friend...

@Pixolita get your chocolate ass in zorap
How can a helicopter open a door? #fanfictionaboutmyyoungerself
I've been reading some of that fanfiction about myself and seriously, it's just...well only some of it turns me on.. The rest of it, never.
@Pixolita I dunno...I haven't read any of it yet.

Tell MPJ that my fave skits were the Redneck Brothers, the Elevator skit and Doug, to name a few @lisalocicerogh
MSM is like prison - make someone your bitch on the first night or you're gonna die.
@caitinlv get up in hurr
Dear uncle jewfro Bobby @bobmaron - come on down to zorap.com/mcsafetyscissor. We miss you.
We're having a reading - zorap.com/mcsafetyscissor
@caitinlv get in hurr
You have shown me your internet boobs. Thank you. RT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim ( o )( o )

Deal with it, crackahs! There's a new sheriff in town! - Raineesha, Reno 911!
@caitinlv do not make me come out there. cause i will
BING BONG, HELLO! RT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim I'm changing my name to La'Quinta.
http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/
I have a towel I can't throw out cause it may have feelings - Dedication (film)

Time to pay my esquire bill...
Maddy goes back to classes today. She's looking at colleges too. If she comes home pregnant...Someone will die and it'll probably be me.
Seems like just last year she was a baby...wait a minute. IS SOMEONE FUCKING WITH MY LIFE?!
THIS DOES NOT SOOTHE RT @caitinlv: @JohnMayerAsASim Don't panic. Odds are Maddy will just fall for someone like you when you were her age.
I've actually been to visit her and I motorboated her hello/good luck! RT @caitinlv: Say a little prayer for our @bearheadedgirl y'all, ok?
RT @mitchfatel: Don't want to tell you how to live your life ladies but If I had a vagina I would take very good care of it & wash it often.

Oh @sarahpalinusa. Saying 'It's his fault, not mine,' and using too many words to do it.
Why won't Sarah Palin go away and realize that nothing she does is right?

@adamlevine for which song?
Reason #1 I love coffee - freshly ground beans remind me of pussy. Now you all now.

@SafetyScissor like George Carlin said, if it's got a zip code, I'll fuckin be there.
@yearinla you mean the plane-arium

@Pixolita She's not dead, you'll see her become a young woman
Oh, @Pixolita. That skinny fuck eats all my cheerios.
And I know I SHOULD be grateful that he left me my Ensure but no. Unacceptable. I bought those with my own Social Security checks. Asshole.
Life like this is NOT what I banged Taylor Swift to write 'Half of My Heart' for.
Don't be silly, @Pixolita. Everyone was wondering.
Maddy! She's like 18 now! http://twitpic.com/3oe4s0
Almost naked and searching for deeper meaning. The deepest meaning. Help me... http://twitpic.com/3oe57d
@Pixolita NO CHOLA EYEBROWS FOR MY BABY
@meeshell78 anyone knocks her up and they're dead

I'm right behind you @pixolita
@Pixolita she went away for a little bit. I think she got a facelift. I'll post a pic when I figure out how to work my smart phone. gahhh!
Ooooh, cops is on.
This bitch is 17 weeks pregnant and just got arrested for crack possession and under the influence of said crack. WINNER.
She's like Terry from Reno 911!, she doesn't care about her life, she was going to kill herself anyway. Wow.
Give her a pair of lollerskates, it's ovah.
Ooooh, what a night for me. I'm watching 'Cops: Bad Girls 4'
How disappointed am I that I've missed the first 3 installments? Hopefully it's just a misnomer.
And now this one girl just 'came out da cluuub' and found her car smashed into the side of a building. My wrinkled sack does not believe it.
Turns out, she hit her boyfriend after an argument in their car.
Elderly John Mayer - Investigative Reporter and Reviewer of Cops Episodes. WHO SAYS I DON'T HAVE A JOB AT THIS AGE!?
I'm your senior correspondent

Watching a Reno 911! cause I'm fucking bored with my old ass life.
Ask me anything!:) — THIS IS NOT A FUCKING QUESTION. NO. http://4ms.me/e2uGEr

Feeling incredibly nervous suddenly. No reason for it, either. The fuck? I BLAME YOU, INTERNETS

In Las Vegas for NYE 2011, I kept slipping and calling Jay-Z Reuben after watching Ocean's Eleven on the way to the club...
@rinygrin nope because i'm afraid people could take me :)
You've been looking up too much pornography and you've forgotten how the regular sheriff's computer works - Reno 911!

Should be up and running again soon with new strips. Anything you'd like to see me do? I still have no studio!
@lisalocicerogh that was a fine example of a small world

@BrandonBarash I met your girl @lisalociceroGH at a GAP in Albany NY last week. Very sweet, super nice. You are lucky to work with her!
@lisalocicerogh That was a weird, weird day. I completely agree!
Well I respect your honesty but I detest what you're being honest about - Bill Cosby.
@cockswithp I wear the match sets for myself. If you see them then good for you.

Should hopefully be up and running soon
Dedicated to all my chocolate bunnies...RT @Helen_Keller: Chesp haft tornp. Stapp memst. Chipotle.
WHAT THE FUCK SIMS 3?! YOU WERE AT 90% DOWNLOADED BEFORE

@lisalocicerogh I hope you don't think you look that way bc of any clothes you may have bought at my GAP on Tues. Hi again, btw (it's Sally)