JM, As a Sim

Someone help this guy, fast:http://twurl.nl/5xvxsm
Tonight for halloween, I'm going out as my younger self. Took me 4 hours and 9 bottles of L'Oreal Feria to dye all the white out of my hair.
As for the wrinkles, fuck you all. You'd still jump on my sack regardless and I'd still let you :) #halloweencostumes
In my experiend with anal sex: digital is always preferred to analog. Happy Halloween.

@SafetyScissor I don't remember which daughter/grandaughter of mine you married and I don't care. You're a cool chap.
@voose_lagina don't worry, the real Mo'Nique appears and hugs you with her Oscar!
@SugarPlumKelly goodnight my darling...
Oh! I kicked your asses out and kept Maddy. Wonder where you guys went. RT @SafetyScissor: @JohnMayerAsASim the one with the dick lips.

Grampa Johnny is sick, kids. Send me your money and booze and bring your sexy asses to my manse.
How many of you could be here in three days or less? I'M LOOKING AT YOU.
RANDOM FOLLOWING SPREE COMMENCING NOW!
Hey @bobmaron! Where are you these days?
@_DonDraper A belated congrats on your engagement...?
Welcome to the new people I'm following. I'd give a shoutout but I'm tired and my old man balls itch from the sweat I worked up adding you.
GOODNIGHT EVERYBUDDDDDAY!
@voose_lagina That was Mo'Nique and she'll beat your ass down for confusing her with Latifah

@ApoloOhno Wait...Orlando and Saratoga Springs? Where are you?

Another day, another Baileys/Ensure cocktail

here at starbucks with maddy. she's turning 16 soon and wants a speedster
Maddy also wants to dye her hair blonde.
so is #kanye's video supposed to be a sampler of his new album? I don't care. I'm impressed.
@kweenie Who knows where your life will take you? You may end up there someday.
@kweenie then have a weekend with friends. who says your husband is the one you have to go with? His loss.
Goddamn Kanye. Why you gots to be so attention starved?
That angel chick looks like Tina Turner in Mad Max #runawayvideo

RT @NZAfro: "Hey! I really love those Crocs you're wearing, they go so well with your outfit!" - said no one ever.
You know I have a kid with you, right? #theoffice

Tend to the widow Pacman

@Vanny_Del I've been there for three days...
WORRY NOT, my chocolate maiden, @Vanny_Del. I carry Xanagra with me at all times: xanax and viagra, FDA backstock.
I love foursomes! #madmen
#FuckCosgrove1965
YOU BEST STOP TALKING NOW #madmengifsthatneedtobemadenow
@katerspie back the fuck off, Harry
HAY @VANNY_DEL @CAITINLV, ANSWER THIS! RT @katerspie: @JohnMayerAsASim ARE YOU DECENT.
sit and spin
OMFG, LIKE A VACATION? #MADMEN
@SugarPlumKelly yeees
I've always wanted Don to be with a brunette.
Oh #hotdads. I like.
Yeah, cause kids eat lemons for treats and shit #madmen.
Truth RT @KevinMarshall: Don Draper is quite possibly the most successful fuck-up in history. #MadMen
THAT'S BULLSHIT #MADMEN
Way to try and be a man, emphasis on "try," Don #madmen
This is the only time that I've actually liked Blondie. Call him out on his shit #madmen
I KNEW SHE WAS STILL PREGNANT #MADMEN
enjoy your spoilers, everybody else
How come nobody brought me those pot brownies I ordered? @vanny_del, I waited hours for you to put them out and nothing happened. I am sad.
@caitinlv Simple, your mom
@Vanny_Del that's where you've been

You are not a moderator. Quit suggesting shit.

Gotta love being at the Apple store when this is announced: iPad Coming to Verizon Wireless and AT&T Stores
Dear Apple store dude - it's Alzheimers not Alltimers.
You guys are walking in slow-mo? #reasonswhychevychaseismyhero
Why are you better looking in your memory? #30rock
THIS is what it took to get Rachel Dratch on 30 Rock?
Probably my favorite new episode this season. RT @Danny_DeVito: #sunnyfx white trash split
My birthday is in two days. GUESS HOW OLD I WILL BE?

How are we today, children? I am fine.
I should really post some photo updates of my life these days. Maybe tonight. Look forward to that.
Why do they ask for Area Code first at tech support? WHERE ELSE WOULD I PUT IT? AT THE END OF THE NUMBER?
Everyone STFD, MATTHEW MCCAUGHNAGHAHAHAHEGY WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND ON MYSPACE.

Someone on MSM just voluntarily explained who Houdini was. 1) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 2) ARE YOU THAT STUPID? 3) Do you think WE'RE that stupid?
Looks as though the new GAP logo didn't last for long.
@stefanodimera You're probably the father of half of them. That would make them respectable.
Raise your dick if you don't care about Brett Favre? Oh look at that...

Ate chicken korma too late at night. It was lovely but still, terribly taxing on my stomach this late. Someone come over and massage me.
Mr. Cee-Lo Green and his fabulous new single,"F**k You" ♫ http://twt.fm/463243
When did they redo the family guy opening credits?
I like them, they make me hate Lois a little less #familyguy
@EX0TICM00NFLWER allo!
Books are jerks!
@EX0TICM00NFLWER I never did thank you for the rosh hashanah card. Thank you!
Fart jokes on Mad Men
Don looks SO out of place. #madmen
Well Betty, you are a goddamned child #madmen
FOR SOME REASON ALWAYS SHOUTING #familyguy

Look at me being a quiet old man for once...

This caught my eye - @thefinebros - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTzStqsHbOY
I'll just sit here and play with myself. This is a common thing as of late.
Yep, that's about what it sounds like when you play with them all fast like...RT @Vanny_Del: @JohnMayerAsASim *cough* Schtlork?

Why are you voting Republican? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExzINsaq4LI
Won't you sing along with these hot women? http://is.gd/fLjvi
Did I just solved the crime? #Lawandorder
I really effing hate Christine Lahti on Law & Order
I'd go into zorap but my connection is hella slow. Happy early birthday @caitinlv. You are one of my favorite people in this world!
Last chance - who wants to massage my balls? I shaved today. It's easier.

Just read @johncmayer's latest Tumblr. Sounds like he's recouped and ready for a fight. I'm impressed and will watch.
You'd better be concerned with identity theft. RT @caitinlv: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! His name is my name too.
Can you find me a girl to have sex with? #GH #OldManWithNoLife
Favorite guilty pleasure: the last line of every Law & Order episode. They're so cheesy.
'You've Got Mail' is on AMC.
Sometimes I wonder what cats are thinking when they stare at me. Then I change my mind because it's probably something to do with their ass.
Ding. Ding RT @MCSafetyScissor: @Pixolita *areola salute*
If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me #familyguy

@yearinla jealous...
Are you ready to choke a man over a vote? #SNL #themorningafter
If you cry, it's shawshank #snl #themorningafter
@Pixolita You are still my favorite drunk chocolate bunny
Jason Sudeikis' running man is my fave thing about the 'What's up with that?' skits
Woke up with a boner this morning. WHERE IS MY WIFE?!?!?!?!?!
@CogitatedMind I want to adopt that.
@notcatsilver why hello...
Mad Men time: let's reminisce about my youth
@solarpowerspork what was I doing? was it awesome?
That chick has a Marcy Darcy haircut #madmen
Oh, now Cosgrove is your best friend? Fuck off, Kenny #madmen
Oh Roger...you're a dick #madmen
I feel like Roger's a liar and so he deserves a surprise baby from Joan #madmen
STFU Roger, you're a goddamned manchild #madmen
HAHA Shorty doesn't know how to deal with sexuality #madmen
Don't bring me any of that Godfather bullshit #madmen
Well I didn't think about you because I was off fucking my secretary #madmen

I'm going to pick a random follower and start stalking their twitter for two days. This is like that bid for a celebrity thing ONLY free.
Naked and on the computer. Balls are in a Ball Snuggie (Patent Pending).
Is Montreal a safe city to go and walk around alone for the weekend? Thoughts?

@boomstyx I dunno but we should get that shit trending.
Can Nick Swardson just do an entire show where he's just Terry from Reno 911? A hand job is still a job...
RT @uknowimadreamer: Very funny: http://huff.to/cYYWvO Huffpost - 17 Things Every Women's Magazine Will Tell You (That You Should Ignore)
I wish I got pimped out by @iomnjm. I'm an emotional whore tonight and that site is awesome.
I always end up dropping the ball... http://twitpic.com/2trxzd
http://twitpic.com/2trxzd - Everybody cut footloose! Kick off your Sunday shoes!
I remember 1939: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q1yyoe377k
@ShenaniganJenn You do and you are close to becoming my best friend for doing so...
@MCSafetyScissor I love tracing shit back to the beginning.
Quahog Creek - I don't wanna wait for my lunch to get colder why can't I eat it now...the new toyota I want the car that's got a lot of gas
You saw me on that boat, I was wearing a blazah #familyguyrepeats
@ShenaniganJenn It makes sense.

Up early to mall walk and look at hot chicks who work in the food court. Wife's at work, Maddy's at school. Walls has a girlfriend?!?!?!
Drugs during childbirth? Isn't the whole point feeling God punish you? #30rock
How many guys out there have been to Canada twice? #30Rock
Con Artist Pam, you own my heart...#theoffice
YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID #OFFICESECRETARY
WHY ISN'T MY LIFETIME WORKING? i want to be making fun of designers...